I cannot wait for baseball

Spring training is finally here, and I've neglected to say really anything about the Cubs since Carlos avoided arbitration. Last week. Well, that's over for now, as I'm dying for the season to begin.

First, there was an article on Jason Marquis on chicagosports.com. The article was pretty stupid, and it was mainly Marquis making excuses for his performance last year. He pretty much blames his poor numbers on the start against the White Sox where he was left in to get a pounding. And, supposedly, his ERA skyrocketed just because of that. Not true. His ERA is still terrible if you take that out. His PERA for last year, taking into account peripheral statistics I don't even understand (Baseball Prospectus is fucking loaded with stats. It is literally insane) was 5.71. The PERA is less subject to luck, and 4.5 is average. Obviously, Marquis was well below average. What about his other numbers though? Well, the other two that stick out to me on his PECOTA card are his "Stuff," which measures his dominance, WHICH WAS NEGATIVE, -14 to be exact. The other is his VORP, Value Over Replacement Player, WHICH WAS ALSO NEGATIVE, at -5.7.

So Marquis sucked last year. In 15 innings, J.K. Ryu, whom the Cubs traded over the offseason, performed pretty poorly, and his VORP was only -3.7. Les Fucking Walrond had a better VORP than Marquis. Ok, Angel Guzman had a worse one. Seriously, I was looking at Cubs pitchers who performed poorly last year (in short stints) and it took me three to find one with a worse VORP than Marquis.

But what about this article? First, Marquis is pretty much blaming La Russa for his poor numbers last year. Didn't La Russa realize it was his contract year? How dare he.

Then, Paul Sullivan goes on to say that the Cubs expect big things out of Marquis this year. Not true at all. Well, if it is true, then we're up shit creek. He was brought in to be a 4th starter out of spring training, only because we have so many question marks at the end of the rotation. But we are not lacking in depth. So, if we can find two pitchers to perform better, Marquis probably moves to the bullpen. But, given the shitty, shitty, shitty contract we gave him, money matters might make us keep him in the rotation over, say, Sean Marshall, who, surprise!, has better numbers than Marquis. Definitely by mid-season though, Marquis should be our fifth starter, and if he's not, he will still be our worst starter.

Then Sullivan talks to Lou Piniella, who I'm liking more and more all the time. I really hope I don't start to hate him, because I've said a couple times that I actually think he could be a good manager. I guess that's easy to say before the season starts. Anyways, Piniella says if you take three or four of Marquis's bad starts away, his ERA drops to about 4.5. This is actually probably pretty close to true. Well, it probably drops to 5. But the problem is that you can't take 3 or 4 of those starts away. Lou also uses the phrase "malt-liquor-bull type of approach." I don't know what that means, but I like it.

So let's get off of how depressing the Jason Marquis signing is and to SPECULATION!

Well, first, I saw this article about a week ago, talking about how Felix Pie and Alfonso Soriano have been hanging out together a lot at camp. This is awesome news, because Soriano can help Pie with what to expect, and Pie can help Soriano with defense. And obviously, having Pie around keeps a very expensive Soriano happy.

Now to the speculation. Jacque Jones may spend a lot of time in center field this year. Perhaps the Cubs are showing him off a lot right now so they can build up his value as a team player. But why would they want to ship him off when there's really no viable replacement?

Well, first, there sort of is. We've got Angel Pagan who started out last year awesome, and who knows?, maybe he can hit a curveball this eyar. Pagan can play for when Cliff Floyd gets hurt, while we've got Soriano in center.

Second, Soriano is happy when Pie is around. It makes no sense to have Pie up with the team unless he's playing every day though. Why not give Pie center? Well, don't give it to him, but if he earns it, why not let him have it? PECOTA (STATS!!!) projects Pie will bat .289 this year, in his first year in the majors. That would be stellar. Hell, all Pie really needs to do is hit somewhere around .270.

I think that the spring games will show what direction the Cubs will move in. If Pie is hitting, because we all know he can do EVERYTHING else, then I say the Cubs intensify the plan to move Jones. If Pie isn't hitting, then they'll probably keep Jones around, at least for a little while. I really can't see the Cubs moving Jones to bring in another CF though, when basically everyone on our roster can play the outfield.

So, in review:

Jason Marquis sucks, and he's kind of being a bitch about his terrible numbers last year. The Cubs are not looking for big things from him. Unless you consider not getting hurt "big things."

Jacque Jones probably won't end the season with the Cubs, but will he begin it with them? I hope not.

May I ask you and your mullet for a dance?

I didn't do anything on Friday night and the weekend craziness was all jammed into Saturday night. But it was very crazy.

Jim, Jake, and Dan (friends from ISU) all came up for the night after getting fitted for tuxes for Jim's wedding this summer. We watched the end of Florida/LSU and then we went to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner. We walk in, and the place is packed. We had already decided we were going to sit in the bar, so we walked right in. The bar however was packed. We stood around for a second, trying to decide what to do, and the people at the table in front of us said they were about to leave. Well, as we're waiting for them to leave, this girl comes up and asks their table who wants to play NCAA March Madness '07 on PS2. They were all like, oh, we're leaving, ask those dudes, pointing to us. Jake says he'll play, and the girl said they needed a second, so Dan said he'd do it. Well, on second thought, Dan changed his mind, so I decided to play. Well, I beat Jake's ass. It was embarassing. Then the dude by the PS2 tells us that it's like a tournament, and I should stick around because I'll be playing again soon. Long story short, I ended up winning the tournament, and I won some Miller Lite gear and the game for PS2. Not bad for the cost of a meal.

So then we went home and continued drinking. I had 3 captain and cokes, then 2 more beers, in addition to the 4 beers I had at dinner, and the 3 guys split 23 beers. Then we went out. At like 11, possibly earlier. We went to Sully's, but they said cover was $10. Fuck that. But the bouncer told us the Real World members were there. The place was empty. I hope it stayed empty all night. Uh, anyways, we went to 4play. We were in Tomkats for a while, then we went to Club Reign. We hung out a little bit, then we went across the street to the Adam's Apple. By this point I was incredibly drunk. I don't remember much about it, except that the bartenders there were very interesting looking. And one had a super mullet. Well, at some point, everyone decided it would be fun to try getting shot down by as many girls as possible. We were all really drunk. We each had a long island at that bar, and then we pretty much got out of there as fast as possible and went back to 4play. Back at Club Reign, the guys were again asking as many girls to dance as possible. At one point I went up to this chick and asked if she wanted to dance or something. Then she mentioned something about a husband, and I was like, wow, ok, a no would have been fine. Then she was like, no, it's ok, or something like that, I'm not really sure. But at some point I wandered away, back to the guys. Then they asked if these two black girls wanted to dance, and the girls pulled all 4 of us onto the floor, or so I'm told. Shortly after, everyone walks back, except for me. I was like, fuck, I'm gonna dance with this girl.

So we danced for hours. I remember at one point looking back and seeing Jake starting to pass out, and then he disappeared shortly after. At some point the girl I was dancing with had to leave, so Dan, Jim and I made our way to Big Al's. Dan pretty much left as soon as he walked in, leaving just Jim and I. All I had was like a 5 or something, so I traded Jim and got 5 singles. And I spent the entire time there by the stage. I made some friends, as did Jim. He was sitting at a table with two chicks, and it was one girl's birthday. When I gave my first dollar to a stripper, the girl next to me told me to tell the stripper to smile. So, the stripper came over, and I said: "2 things. First, you should smile more, you look like you're having a terrible time. Second, it's the girl's birthday behind me and she should have a good time." The stripper comes back with "And?" and I was like, "Uh, that's all I've got." Then I sat down feeling and probably looking like a jackass. I got back on the wagon though, and later, one dude came and sat on the other of me (after Jim got up) and I imparted some strip club wisdom to him. His life will be forever changed, I'm sure. Anyways, Jim told me he was going to the ATM to get money for a lapdance. So I was stuck by myself. Well, I think I went to the bathroom and waited for Jim to get done. Shortly there after, Jim comes back and says we should leave.

Apparently his lapdance didn't go to well. She started, and then he had to get up, walk outside, and throw up. So Jim and I got our coats and went across the street to Hoops for some kickass pizza. It was about this time (nearly 3:30), that I realized that neither Jake nor Dan, both of whom had been gone for nearly an hour, and Jake for about 3 hours, had my keys to get in. So, rather than call and ask if they were ok, or go home and let them in, I told Jim we should hurry. So we see the two girls who were at the strip club at Hoops and we sit down with them. They say they've ordered a pizza and we can have some, so we don't have to order our own. The pizza came pretty quickly, and Jim and I each had a piece or something. Then Jim was giving me a "let's not pay" look. He goes to the "bathroom." Like 2 minutes later, he calls me, and I look back and see him behind the corner, calling me. So I get up, tell the girls I also was going to the bathroom, and we took off. Suckers. Jim isn't feeling too hot again, so we walk home quickly (it was raining, which I don't remember) so he can get back. I have to unlock the outside door and I wonder how Jake and Dan got inside. The elevator pulls up to the 9th floor and Jim looks again like he's about to puke, so I hurry inside to unlock my door. But, when we got off at my floor, there were Dan and Jake, with Jake curled up on the floor sleeping. We get inside, Jim pukes for awhile, we call Poops.

I don't remember too much else of what happened. It was 5 when I passed out, and I woke up around 9, still drunk. The guys leave around 11:30 or so, no big deal. I was getting my stuff ready for work last night, and I realized I had no idea where my wallet was. Not on my desk, check the pants from the night before, no wallet. Oh no. So I'm thinking "Oh shit, oh shit oh shit, I have to call Big Al's, would they still have it, has anyone spent any of my money, oh shit, oh shit, what am I going to do, oh shit..." I started to check if anyone had spent any of my money online when I went back into my bedroom to make sure it wasn't in there. Sure enough, on the far side of my bed, was my wallet, with 5 singles strewn about. Then I remembered taking it out of my jeans last night and throwing it on the ground, then doing the same with the singles in my pocket. And I remember looking at them as I woke up Sunday, still drunk.

So that was the night, and the only night of note all weekend. It is also worth pointing out that it very well could happen again this weekend. It's going to be another awesome weekend.

So much to rant about

Like two weeks ago I was reading this AP article about people taking naps at work. Apparently, there was a study done with people who takes naps at work versus those who don't, and those who take naps were at a reduced risk of heart conditions.

Well, since returning from New Orleans, I've been extremely tired and just about every day at work I've been struggling to stay awake. But I can't take a nap. So I'm wondering: should I develop a heart condition, can I sue my employer because they're not allowing me to take a nap? Or should I just go ahead and take a nap, and then if they wake me, tell them what's up. I really think there's only one way to find out.

That's as good as I can do for an intro this week. Let's see who made the list:


New this week:

TECHNOLOGY. I was just working on this fucking thing for like half an hour, and I was almost done with it. I minimized the window so I could look back at what I had on the list last week and zap. Entire thing gone. Not saved at all. So, I don't know who's to blame for this? Is it my work computer for being a dumb outdated piece of shit? Is it Blogger for being a piece of shit? Is it Internet Explorer's fault for being a dumb bitch and outdated browser? I tend to think it's a little bit of all three. So, whoever's to blame for this shit, you're on notice!

Money. This week I found out that when my car goes in for "inspection" that it's going to cost out the ass. That sounds as painful as it is. I knew it wasn't going to be pleasant, but we're talking at least twice what I was expecting to pay. Guh. And I don't know if that takes into account any parts/labor that may be required. So, money, you're on notice because I don't have enough of you. Ever.

Weather. On Saturday when we left Chicago it was cold and snowing. When we got to New Orleans it was 62, but it there was a strong, cold wind blowing. Well, on Sunday it was only like 52, and the cold strong wind stuck around. Then on Monday we get back to Chicago and it's fucking 46 degrees and feels warmer than New Orleans. All of this changing climates is bullshit. It's going to make someone sick. Seriously weather, make up your mind. And you better fucking choose pleasantly warm. Or else...

America. America, you are one crazy bitch. Did anyone ever see any previews for Norbit? How could you not, it was a fucking sponsor of the Super Bowl. Well, I remember saying that if enough Americans were dumb enough to pay to see the movie that it would be the number one movie in its opening weekend, I would need to destroy America. Well, unfortunately, it happened. Seriously, how can this be allowed to happen?! Well, did anyone see previews for Ghost Rider? The first time I saw those previews, I said the exact same thing. Well, not the first time, but one of the first 8 times. So you can imagine my surprise when I came back home this weekend and saw that nearly 45 million people(!) paid to see that piece of predictable shit. So now I have to destroy America. Seriously, how to so many jackasses have enough money to pay to see these movies? And you're only making it worse by going to see them. I heard they just greenlighted Norbit 2: Eddie Murphy Dresses Like a Fat Woman Again and Norbit 3: Eddie Murphy Dresses Like 2 Fat Women, A Fat Man, and A Normal-Sized Woman. I also heard they're making Ghost Rider 2: The Exact Same Movie As the First with Slightly Different Characters. People who go see these movies should automatically not be allowed to vote. So, America, you're on notice, and unfortunately, I will have to destroy you.

Being sick. Hey, weather, remember when I said you'd make people sick? You fucking did it. You bitch. I feel like my sinuses are getting prepared for a flood, and that's not a pleasant thing. Luckily I'll try to drink all this shit away this weekend. But, you know, being sick is interrupting my plans of, you know, BREATHING REGULARLY.

"Popular" TV. I'm talking about Heroes, Studio 60, Lost and Grey's Anatomy. I don't like any of these shows, and on the first three NOTHING EVER HAPPENS. Also, Studio 60 is not funny in any way. It sounded like an interesting premise, but obviously there's not enough interesting shit happening behind the scenes of whatever that unfunny live show is. As far as Lost and Heroes, nothing ever happens. They'll promote something huge, and then you get there and you're like, oh, uh, that's the surprise. Huh. That's...uh...what the fuck?! It doesn't make it a great show when the writers can just throw in a curveball that will draw shit out for another 3 weeks, until there will be another promotion that leads to another let-down. It's a cycle of bullshit I'm against. As for the shitshow Grey's Anatomy, this week they tried promoting a cliffhanger: "Will Meredith die?" Yes, ABC, I'm that stupid that I think the STAR OF THE SHOW is going to die. I also need to be reminded to breathe, because if not I stop. I like fun things. Wheeeee. Uh, I got offtrack a little bit, but, uh, shit shows, you're on notice!

Off the list this week:

Jim Hendry. He managed to get Big Z to agree to a one-year deal for less than the middle-point in negotiations, and Z avoided arbitration. Although I'm pretty sure Z could have made more if he had gone to negotiations, but that's neither here nor there. Also, I feel good about our chances of tying up Zambrano long-term, so Hendry's off the radar for awhile.

Work. I still hate you, but when my I lost my blog, you got bumped. Expect to be back next week. Bitch.

Firewalls. Ditto. Minus the part about technology.

Kelvin Sampson. Ditto again fatty.

Cold. You better be on your way out. I wore sandals the other night, and that was fucking awesome. I like wearing sandals. So you best stay the fuck away. But, since you didn't piss me off as much as other things this week you're safe. For now...

Snow. You didn't keep me from anything this past weekend, and as far as I know, you'll never be back again. Ever. And I'm not naive in any way at all.

HOCKEY!

Back at the beginning of October, I went to a game to see the local minor league hockey team, the Peoria Rivermen. They are a minor league team for the St. Louis Blues, but that's not important.

I've never really been a big hockey fan or anything. I remember in high school (I think) I was watching a game (might have been a playoff game) that went three overtimes. That was cool. But the greatest thing about hockey games are the fights.

When I was at that Rivermen game, there were like 3 fights. And I think two of them were really good. But there's always that moment after the fight where one guy wins, and the other guy just has his ass beaten and he's bloody. There's almost a pang of sympathy for the beaten dude. Lousy conscience.

But I saw a link with this video today. This is bad ass.



Look at that. The goalie for the Senators looks like he's smiling the entire time, both while delivering a beating to the opposing goalie, then while getting beaten by the other team's enforcer.

That's a hockey fight. The rest of the NHL should take note and allow these things to happen all the time. It's not like people really get hurt in them; the referees prevent that. And it's fucking awesome.

It would have been awesome to see the coaches go at it too. Good work last night hockey.

More New Orleans

I remembered a couple other things about New Orleans that I left out before.

On Friday night, on Bourbon Street, there were a bunch of dudes handing out condoms. Each of us went up to the dudes to get a handful of condoms. There is a series of pictures taken of Bootz, first with her putting the comdom package in her mouth like she was biting it. Then she opened it. Then she put the actual condom in her mouth, like she was biting it. I'm pretty sure this happened before we got pizza.

Back at the hotel room that night, before people started passing out, for some reason the girls all started throwing the condoms at me. Bootz was really drunk, she was standing about 3 feet away from me, and she was still only hitting me with 1/3 of the condoms she threw. I was whipping the condoms back at the girls, but it was 3 against 1, so it wasn't very fair. When everyone had satisfactorily thrown all the condoms at me, Chips picked one up and began inflating it. There is also a series of pictures of this. I think we left a lot of the condoms strewn about the floor when the maid came in the next day. And speaking of the maid, the maid cart we saw had a flask on it. Apparently during Mardi Gras you can drink and do your job. Lucky bastards.

The next day, during the second parade (I think) of the day that we were watching, somebody threw an entire back of pirate beads to me. Everyone was jealous of the beads, and I kept them all to myself. I told the girls that they could have them, but they would have to earn them. Well, back at the hotel (bathroom break before dinner) the girls weren't too happy about having to earn them. So I got pinned down. One person was trying to grab each hand, and then the third was trying to get the beads off. I was valiantly defending my booty from the three of them, but then Muffy grabbed my arm and sat on it. With my arm at an extremely uncomfortable angle, I thought it might be best if I chose not to break my arm for the sake of a couple beads that we all know I deserved. So I gave up and let the girls divide the pirate beads evenly. It was a sorrowful moment.

Also, I've never heard "I'll kick you in the junk" so many times in less than 48 hours.

I'll impregnate you!: Mardi Gras recap

For all of the worrying about the weather this weekend, little did I know that the New Orleans weather would be so much less than desirable. Also, I tried to remember as much as possible, but if there are things I've left out, perhaps someone will fill me in as to what happened. Oh, one more thing: I don't remember the names of almost anything we went to.

We went to bed a little after 12 on Friday night, and we couldn't decide what time we wanted to leave. I'd already checked us in online, so we just had to wait to get through security. We didn't know how much snow would be on the roads, so we got picked up at 4:30 Saturday morning, and we all woke up at 4:10 (Chips, Bootz, me; Muffy was already in Louisiana). We were through security by, like 5:15 or something, probably sooner, and our flight didn't leave until 6:30. Also, it was very depressing to be at the airport while stores were opening up. We got on the plane, and Muffy called just before to see how the weather was and if we'd be delayed, and also to mention that she was just getting home. Well, the weather was pretty fine, we were delayed like 20 minutes, but it was no big deal. The flight to Charlotte was fine, and everyone slept except for me. Bootz and I contemplated drinking once in Charlotte, but we chose not to hang out in one of the smoky bars just for a beer. We landed in New Orleans around 12:30 or so and met up with Muffy. We took a shuttle to our hotel, and this shuttle smelled like chicken parts, and there was a can of green beans in the back. We chose not to ask questions.

We got to our hotel at like 1:30, but check in wasn't until 3, so we went to Mothers to eat after checking our luggage. We waited in line, finally got food around 2:15 or 2:30 and began the day's drinking. The food was awesome and I didn't get made fun of for getting a plain sandwich. Then we left and caught our first beads of the day on our way back to the hotel. We ended up sitting at the hotel for over 30 minutes waiting to get a room, and Bootz and Muffy went to get beer while we waited, and then we started drinking. Open alcohol laws are fucking awesome. Finally we got up to our room, I showered and we were ready to head back out. I think things pretty much turned into a crazy haze right around this time, because I really don't remember exactly what happened next. I think we headed down to Bourbon Street. And, I think it was on our first stroll down Bourbon Street where I saw the first flasher. What amazed me more was all of the dudes with video cameras though. And if a chick ever looked like she was going to lift up her shirt, there was a circle of dudes around her in 2 seconds. I got a beer somewhere I think, and then we went to get hurricanes from Pat O'Brien's. Then Chips went to get her Mardi Gras initiation, complete with the dude who kind of humped her leg while he played her washboard suit. While Chips and Muffy were inside, Bootz was outside finishing her hurricane, at which point she said "When I'm puking later, this will be why." Shortly before she finished I went to get a Huge Ass Beer for $4 (sweet deal). I drank that, then had another one, and this is definitely where the night becomes foggy for a while. At some point I was without a drink, and we were walking down Bourbon Street, and Bootz wanted some chick on the balcony to throw her beads. The chick points at me or something, so Bootz pulls me over and lifts up my shirt. The chick on the balcony says that's not good enough, then says "His balls, your tits." So I did it of course. Ok, I didn't do it, I got out of there, and Bootz was close behind. At this point I busted out the phone and made something like 4 phone calls in a row. Shortly after (maybe, maybe not) we went to get pizza, and it was awesome. But to use the bathroom at this Mango Mango Pizza, you needed a receipt, so you had to wait in line and order pizza first. So I was last to order, then I went to the bathroom and came out to eat my pizza. While we were eating, Bootz dropped her pizza on the ground. Then she picked it up, took a bite, blew dust off of the pizza, then continued eating. She got the award for most drunk that night.

At some point, we were waiting to meet Muffy's friends outside of New Orleans' gross version of White Castle. I hear it makes White Castle seem delicious, which can't be good. Well, while we were waiting, we went into the Hustler store which was across the street, I think so the girls could use the bathroom. Of course, the bathrooms there were closed off. I would like to point out that while you may think going to an adult store with a group of girls is awesome, at some point it's going to get very awkward. And that point was right around the toy area. Luckily I was very drunk at this point, and I managed to block out some of the memories of the store, and then finally, shortly after the toy section, we left.

Somehow we decided to go back to the hotel, and then we went back out to watch the last parade (Endymion). We'd missed the first 10 floats or so, and we hung out for a little while before going back to the hotel again (I think). Before heading back, I managed to catch some beads with my bare hands, and by this point it was probably below 30 degrees outside, with a freezing wind. I thought I'd broken my finger. Anyways, back at the hotel, Bootz was spectacularly drunk, and spectatularly entertaining, and Chips decided she was done for the night too (after she got back from Wendy's). Muffy and I headed back out, but it was so ridiculously cold and windy. We went to Sean Kelly's for a while, and then we were going to go somewhere to dance, but cover was $20! They don't even have that at most places in Chicago! Then we checked across the street, and that place was $15 cover. So needless to say we went home. I think we got back around 12:30, had one more beer and then passed out.

Since everyone went to bed so early, we were all up early. Bootz was up at 6, I woke up at 8, Muffy at 8:30 or so, and Chips maybe at 9 or so. We all got ready around 10 and went do Cafe Du Monde for beignets. They were fucking awesome. Nothing like sweet pastries for breakfast. Then we wandered around New Orleans streets for a while, and Muffy was showing us around. Probably around 12:30 or 1 or so we went back to the hotel to get the beer from the night before. There were 7 left, so we started drinking those and headed out to the street for the first parade of the day. I think we'd finished 5 before the parade made its way over by us, so we went to get another 12-pack (our third so far of the trip). We also had to buy coozies because it was so incredibly cold. Well, I think by the end of the 2nd parade (the first two started within half an hour) we were done with the second 12-pack (Chips was deciding to wait for a while, but she had 2 beers without much to eat). Then we went to eat at another cafe whose name escapes me.

We were waiting in line, and there was this group of three dudes in front of us. We started talking to them, and they were all friends from law school at Pitt. At one point, they started talking a little bit of shit about Rex Grossman, so I stood up for Rex, and I proved my point, and while they may not have necessarily agreed, they at least thought the points were valid. We all decided to just sit together and eat. One of the guys seemed to be a little outspoken about how cool he thought I was, and while we were looking at menus, Bootz pointed out to me that that dude was totally gay and was flirting with me, and apparently I was flirting back. This was definitely news to me, as I didn't think he seemed gay, so I went for a second opinion to Muffy, who agreed 100%. Well, the girls made fun of me for it, and I tried to back off on the apparent flirting that was going on. But it was news to me. Anyways, the food was awesome, and not only was it awesome, but they had PBR specials too. I had 2 with dinner, and then got a third as we left. After dinner we left our new friends to head back to the parades.

This is totally the point where the night gets really hazy. We saw Bacchus, which was the one James Gandolfini was in, as was Drew Brees. While waiting for the parade to start, we had to use the bathroom. The closest was Wendy's, so we went in there, but there was a sign that said bathrooms were out of order, so use the porta-potties in the alley. They were sespools of filth, and I've never been more glad to be a dude. At one point when I was in line, I was in line behind this mom and her two little girls. Why you would bring your kids to Mardi Gras, I'm not sure. Muffy pointed out that there was another mother in the alley with one little girl, and she was telling her other child to go to the bathroom between the dumpsters. We thought it would be a little boy, and then out walks another little girl. And that was actually cleaner than the porta-potties. After the parade we went walking to Muffy's favorite bar, which is all the way at the end of Bourbon Street. I think I was drinking at this point, but I have no idea what. I might have gotten another Huge Ass Beer though. While we were at that bar, I might have been drinking, I don't know. Basically all I remember is that we were there for a while, and I apparently was singing or something. Then we left, and Muffy went to meet up with her friends after we got pizza, and the rest of us went home. We passed out at like 2, and then we woke up at 4:45 to catch our shuttle back to the airport which came at 5 to the hotel, and our flight left at 7:40.

There were certain things that surprised me. I said before I was surprised about all of the dudes with video cameras. I saw a chick with a shirt painted on, and she was really proud about it, letting everyone take pictures. I was also surprised by how many strip clubs there were on Bourbon Street.

And let me just say again that open alcohol laws are awesome. Some bars will only let you in if you buy something, which is kind of lame, because if you have a drink they may not let you drink it inside. But it's awesome to be like, oh, I have this open beer, but I want to leave. Oh, hey, I'll take it outside! Oh, let's go into this place. I'll drink this beer. Wait, no, I'll take it inside! New Orleans is fucking awesome. If it hadn't been so cold it would have been even more fun (but slightly harder to remember probably).

So that was the trip. Just about a month and a half until we head out to Vegas.

It's Mardi Gras Bitches!

Oh man do I have a lot to complain about this week. Like, I finished my recap for TVGasm on Monday night. I had all Sunday to do it, I was just much too lazy.

Anyways, I finished the recap, and I sent an email saying that I was done and it was ready to be published. Well, the email didn't send correctly. I was expecting to see the recap posted Monday night, but it wasn't posted until Wednesday.

Well, I enjoy looking at the comments to see what people have to say. The first recap that I did didn't get such a warm reception, as I was slightly unclear on the rules of the show, and also one dude just thought I was not funny.

Regardless, I think I do a pretty decent job on the recaps. So I saw that my recap was finally posted on Wednesday night, so I was just giving it a glance through to make sure there weren't too many typos or anything, and to look for one of the jokes I put in. I saw that I had a comment, so I checked it, and sure enough, it was the hater hating on me again. He's such a hater.

I mentioned looking up the word loquacious, mainly making fun of myself for not knowing it, and the dude just thought I was stupid. Now, I'd like to make a bunch of snarky remarks back and be really immature about it. Becasuse I am. I'm immature. But, I feel like that would be too easy. And it would be like when Jerry went to heckle that lady who heckled him while she was at work.

So, I don't respond at all. I'd like to even respond in the next recap, because at least I know one person reads it. But, whatever.

Anyways, with all of that off my chest, let's get to what's on notice this week: New this week:

Jim Hendry. He's back on the list. This may be unnecessary, but I really need him to extend Carlos Zambrano's contract. I need him to do me a solid. Now, the reason this may be unnecessary is because Zambrano was backtracking on what he said, saying he'd still negotiate with the Cubs if he didn't get a contract done by Opening Day, and he also said they were close to a 5-year extension. Still, get the deal done Jim.

Work. Not new this week. Seriously though, you're cramping my style. It's Friday, I want to leave, and I could have left after lunch, but nooo, I have to finish an experiment and then stop another one. Bullshit. Cramping my style work. You're on notice.

Firewalls. I guess the firewall has recently become relaxed more because I can now to go With Leather. TVGasm is still blocked though, stupid work bastards. And the other day a link I got from Craigslist was blocked. Make up your mind idiots.

Kelvin Sampson. You and those unoriginal inbreds at IU screwed the Illini out of a win Saturday. Well, you really just coached poorly (surprise!) and your crowd was full of jackassed yokels. So, for you it was just another game. At least it was evidence of your sucking though. That's always fun to see. You're on notice turd.

Cold. Now, you may be thinking I'm complaining about the cold outside. In a way, I am, because holy shit it's fucking cold out. I hate it. But, I came into work on Wednesday and it was 51 degrees in here. Outstanding. Nothing like being afraid of getting sick and then being stuck in 51 degrees all fucking day. Also, I worked until 7 on Wednesday. Fucking awesome. Then I come in on Thursay and it's 50 degrees inside. Fanfuckingtastic. Then, around 11 yesterday, this maintenance dude says he got it fixed and it should be warming up in here. It did a little, then it STOPPED. I come back in this morning and it's 54 degrees. So I've got 2 space heaters today, probably trying to prevent me from suing. Well, I'm not satisfied. You're on notice cold. Seriously, get the fuck out of here.

Snow. Cold and snow each get their own complaint this week. First, snow came on Tuesday and was a pain in my ass. Only about half of the people made it into work, and pretty much everybody left early. On Wednesday it was much better, but not everyone made it in to work again. Now this weekend we're flying to New Orleans. Mother fucking snow is threatening our flight time, and we have a connecting flight that we can't miss. Snow is even threatening my drive up to Chicago, and it's making my parking situation much more difficult. Fucking snow. You're on notice!

Anti-Chief People. I've pretty much said all that I need to say about this today. Fuck you anti-Chief people. You're as hate-filled as you think the Chief is. Pricks. You're on notice.

What fell off this week:

"Super" "Bowls." It's in the past, so I don't care anything about you bastards. Until I fall for the same trick next year.

Megabus. Until you start coming to Peoria (or I move to Chicago, or God forbid, one of the other shitstains of their destinations) I will dislike you. However, because you're doing nothing to cause my hatred of you this week, I will allow you off this list.

So have a good weekend everybody. I'll be back on Tuesday to divulge information about all of the drunken happenings this weekend at Mardi Gras. I hope there aren't too many uggos there.

So long Chief; we hardly knew ye

I discovered this morning that today is the day that the University of Illinois beloved Chief Illiniwek will unfortunately be retired. We all knew it was going to happen sooner or later because of the jackasses at the NCAA, and we all knew it was going to happen this year, but no one was sure when the Chief would be put to rest.

Let me explain my relationship with the Chief. I didn't go to Illinois, but I'd been a fan of Illini sports since junior high, back when Kevin Hardy and Simeon Rice were terrorizing opposing Big Ten QB's, and back when Kiwane Garris was controlling the Illinois offense. Back when Jarrod Gee was Jerry. I really wanted to go to a basketball game, but I live a solid 2.5 hours from Champaign. Also, my parents weren't alumni, and they probably didn't think it was really worth it to drive 5 hours for 2 hours of entertainment. Well, college entertainment at least. And maybe they were trying to shelter me from the profane chants (not that they happen a lot at U of I games, but it's not like my parents would know anyways).

I ended up going to Illinois Wesleyan University, although one of my best friends went to the U of I. After I went on temporary hiatus from my girlfriend freshman year, my dad asked if I would be interested in going to an Illini game in Chicago. One of his friends had a son who went to U of I, and they were both avid Illini fans. So I went, and this was the first time I'd seen or even heard of the halftime performance. It was something to behold. Also, my best friend was in the Orange Krush, so he was in Chicago and I saw him at the game. He got to go out and stand around the court while the Chief performed. I was in awe. I got chills.

Cut to about a month later, and my friend invited me down for the weekend. He was in the Farm House, so I got to discover (sort of) frat life at U of I before even experiencing it at IWU (I was kind of a turd freshman year). He managed to get me a ticket to the Sunday game of Illinois vs. Michigan State, and I was going to be in the Orange Krush.

I had no idea what I was about to get into. Being such a huge Illini fan, living and dying with the team's performance, and, frankly, swearing way too much for a normal person at my TV while watching games, this was an amazing experience for me. The Illini ended up losing, and they blew their home winning streak that game, as Marcus Taylor lit up the Illini. No matter though, he left after his freshman year, and who knows what he's doing now. Maybe cleaning toilets. Or making millions overseas.


Regardless, at halftime, I actually GOT to run out onto the court and watch the Chief perform. It was amazing to see it so closely, and then to look up at the alumni in the upper decks and see them just as captivated. Again, I got chills. Well, to commemorate the trip, I bought myself a Chief shirt celebrating 75 years of the Chief (which a different girlfriend later bogarted and never gave back).

I ended up dating a girl at U of I for a while sophomore year, so I went to like 3 football games that fall, never leaving before the Chief performed.

And now they're taking the Chief away. I thought it was a ballsy move by the university to keep the Chief around all year after basically being told to get rid of him.

But who exactly is the Chief offending? There is no single tribe that he was based on, and the dance was researched and based on dances of various tribes. Because there is no one single tribe that the Chief can be attributed to, when Illinois was told they must get rid of the Chief, no one tribe could come forward in support, the way that the Seminole tribe did for Florida State.

And what's with uneducated people stepping forward, making Illinois out to be extremely prejudice, hostile and hatefilled? I'm looking at you Bill Plaschke. He wrote an article about how Illinois should get rid of the Chief. Yet he knows little to nothing aside from the name and possibly what the Chief looks like.

So what do the Illini do now that the Chief is gone? Well, they're being extremely classy in removing the dance, keeping the name and giving the symbol to not-for-profit organizations.

Do I agree with this? Under the circumstances, sure. I think it would be better if we could come up with a performance that was legitimately offensive though. I now live in Peoria, IL, hopefully not for much longer, but I'm close to the town of Pekin. The high school was the home of the Chinks. Yes, they were the Pekin Chinks. That is legitimately offensive.

Why not make Illinois the Drunken Irishmen, or the Women's Rights Activists, or the Mexican Laborers? Those are legitimately offensive. But would the NCAA step in and do anything about it?

What the fuck is hostile about the Chief, except for those people who want to get rid of him? Fuck this PC bullshit. I probably wouldn't even care that much, except it's those retarded, ACLU pricks who are probably driving this whole thing. Bring me a legitimate reason Illinois should get rid of the Chief. Is he doing harm to anyone? Washington has the name the Redskins for fucks sake. How is Chief Illiniwek less offensive.

Fuck the NCAA for bowing down to this bullshit, and fuck everyone else who thinks the Chief is offensive. I'll offend you, then we'll see how fucking offensive the Chief is.

Anyways, I can at least be glad that I got to see the Chief perform. So farewell Chief.

Oh, wait, you're right, this is terribly offensive. Look at him, all offensive and stuff. I'm so offended. Jackasses.

These aren't your grandfather's Cubs

And I kind of wish they still were. Remember back in the good old days of 2003? The Cubs had a pretty decent team and all of Chicago's North Side had high expections for the upcoming season. Unfortunately, 5 outs from greatness, the Cubs stumbled. It happens. It happens to some more than others, but it happens.

Then came 2004. Ok we all thought. The Cubs came really close last year, so with a full season of everyone healthy, the Cubs should be money. Of course, the Cubs made zero to few offseason moves, as is customary under Jim Hendry: follow up a winning season with multiple players having career years, then expect them to duplicate that.

2007 is a new year for the Cubs though. Penny-pincher MacPhail is out as CEO. He was holding us down. The Cubs re-signed Aramis Ramirez, signed the top free agent Alfonso Soriano, brought it at least one adequate pitcher, and an adequate 2nd baseman/RF that we may or may not have needed necessarily.

And now this. The pristine mecca of baseball, Wrigley Field, has been sullied. It is impure, unclean, bogged down by STD's. Wrigley Field is famous for drawing sell-out crowds, despite the on-field performance. The Cubs always make money for the Tribune Co. They're one of the few, if not the only, entities that actually turns a profit for them.

After MacPhail was shown the door, John McDonough was brought in as interim (is he still interim?) CEO. McDonough has no experience as CEO; he's a marketing guy. So, obviously he had to have some hand in this. All of this makes me wonder:

1.) Has this been in the works for a while? The Cubs make money, but have the fatcats in the Tribune Co. just been to greedy and they want more? Was one of the reasons MacPhail was fired because he didn't approve of this deal, and with him out of the way, they could make it? Also, is this the reason why Hendry was able to expand the spending money for Soriano, etc.?

or

2.) Was this just a McDonough as CEO type of deal, where he's more about making the biest profit possible. A winning team brings in more fans which brings more money, and sponsorships bring in more money.

or

3.) Did Hendry spend a lot of money that resulted in the Cubs needing to do this?

In the article the Cubs marketing director fills our heads with propaganda. "Waa waa, the Cubs cost money. Waa waa, Wrigley costs a lot in upkeep. Waa waa, you want top free agents, this is what it costs." I'm paraphrasing obviously.

It's impossible to buy into this type of bullshit. This is the first top free agent that the Cubs have brought in. They gave out their highest contract. They are one of the highest earning teams, and yet they only have a top-10 payroll (last season at least). Last year, following the Derrek Lee deal (in which he got a raise), the Cubs payroll was $99 million.

I can't imagine what this deal actually means for the team. How much moeny are they actually going to see as a result of allowing Under Armour to strip Wrigley Field of basically the purest thing it had (outfield walls)?

In addition, the Cubs are jacking up the prices. The Cubs are, like, the only team that is not privately owned. Therefore, they technically have unlimited spending money. So to argue that they need to do all of this bullshit to be able to maintain Wrigley Field at its current pristine status is useless. We know you've got money, and you finally spend it on fielding a good team. Then you lie about it, and say that signing big contracts means the Cubs need to make money elsewhere. Bullshit.

Remember how it seemed like the Cubs were posturing to be sold? Well, I think this may prove that they aren't. Or maybe they can void the contract if the team is sold. Bring in Mark Cuban and have him take all that shit down. Yeah, doubtful.

So, I don't know if I like where this is heading. On one hand, you've got trying to win, which hasn't really happened. Hopefully we actually will win. That will make the eyesores slightly easier to look at.

Also, just a note, but how shitty does that photoshop look? Real professional Tribune.

Happy Valentine's Day Bitches

Some things really make me want to go on a massacre. Like naming a holiday after a massacre, and then commercializing it into something that is supposedly about love and whatnot. Ok, maybe I won't go on a massacre, but it is pretty dumb.

Since today is Valentine's Day and I've been having a shitty day thanks to work, I thought I'd just take some of my free time to share with everyone what may have been the worst experience I've ever had on Valentine's Day. Also, I just want to let the record show that I am utterly, utterly alone on this day, and I will probably die alone, never to be loved by anyone. But I digress*. The name will be changed so as to protect the "valentine."

I'd been dating this girl, let's call her Carol (note: I've never dated any Carol and I don't even think I even know anyone with that name), for a couple of weeks. Mainly we would just meet up once out, and then hang out. There was never really anything serious, but Carol was pretty cool, and I thought I'd ask her to go out for Valentine's Day if she didn't have any other plans. I really didn't want to make a big deal of it, but I thought it would be a good way to get to know Carol in a more intimate setting, and maybe let her see a different, sober side of me. This can sometimes be a letdown, because I can be pretty charming when drunk, but again I digress.

So I picked up Carol and we went to eat at this nice Italian restaurant. I was dressed slightly nicer than usual, as this was a nicer place, which meant that I was wearing khakis. We get to the restaurant and there's a wait, so we head to the bar. I was thinking, what the hell, why not get a drink. So I set sail with a Captain and coke. Just one though. I was driving. Anyways, Carol decides to get a glass of red wine. We finish our drinks, and our table still isn't ready. So Carol gets another glass of wine, and I get a beer. Well, Carol doesn't have a super-high tolerance for alcohol. The hostess tells us that our table is ready, so we get up to go. I pick up my beer and go, and Carol goes to pick up her glass of wine, and she spills it all over the back of my leg. On my pants. Khaki pants. Guh. Strike 1.

So we sit down and we're eating or whatever. Obviously, I was paying, and Carol ordered this really expensive steak. On one hand, I'm thinking, awesome, she likes her meat (no double entendre intended. Ok, maybe a little) and on the other hand I'm thinking, wow, did she really have to order the most expensive thing on the menu? But, that's the risk you run when you take a girl you don't know too well out to eat and volunteer to pay. Besides, I already spent money on flowers, so I was just thinking, hell, get it out of your system now because if we start getting serious I PAY FOR NOTHING.

Anyways, we're waiting for our food, me with my stained pants, and Carol is finishing up her second drink. We're making conversation since we've never really been in anything more than just casual conversation. Well, Carol, despite being slightly drunk, is actually bringing up some really good topics for discussion. And I'm wanting to impress her, so I think of the best things to say. I open my mouth at the first break, but before I can even make a sound she starts talking again. We were seriously waiting for 30 minutes for food and I think I managed to squeeze out 3 sentences. Now, I'm all for keeping up conversation when I lag a little bit, but I like being allowed to talk. Strike 2.

Also, during that "conversation," only about 5 or maybe even 10 minutes were actually on topics that I had anything interesting to say. After I realized I wouldn't be able to say anything, I really started to judge her. And then my mind started to wander. Why does she talk so much? Is one of her eyes bigger than the other? Uhoh, she's going in for another drink. Wine isn't cheap. Is she an only child? Damn she talks a lot. Oh, she IS an only child. That makes sense. I wonder if you could quantify how much she loves the sound of her own voice. And when I actually did squeeze in a sentence, forget about getting another word in for the next 10 minutes.

So then the food came, and we ate and luckily there was no real adventure there. Aside from Carol not eating even half of the steak that she got. And she chose not to take it home. I mean, I'm not gonna re-heat steak, but she could have at least feigned that she would.

Anyways, after dinner we go back to my place so I can get a little more comfortable if you know what I mean. And by that I mean so I can change out of my wine-stained pants. So I change and then we're just sitting and watching tv for a while. I ask if she wants to watch a movie. She says she doesn't like scary movies, and she doesn't really like any of the movies I have. But she loved My Boss's Daughter! Do I have that?

Uh, how about we just watch TV instead? I'm flipping through the channels and I don't really see anything. As I'm flipping through I see a particularly funny episode of South Park about Scientology and I want to watch that. And she was like, oh, I hate South Park. I'm closed-minded and I don't really understand satire. Let's watch something that I can understand because I'm simple. What's on TLC?

Strike 3.

Well, I obliged, because I was hoping maybe we could talk more. You know, maybe I could actually tell a little bit about myself. Boy was I wrong. Carol talked about herself for about 2 more minutes, and she did the whole spiel. There was talking about ex-boyfriends. There was talk about baggage. Oh so much baggage. So, so, so much baggage. At this point I'm just thinking, ok, what is the best way that I can get her out of my apartment?

So I do what any self-respecting man would. I go to the bathroom for 25 minutes. I make a lot of loud heaving noises. I come back, looking disheveled, eyes bloodshot from heaving so much (you have to sell it if you're going to make it work), and I tell her that I'm suddenly not feeling so hot, and it has nothing to do with her at all. I ask her if I can just take her home. She's like, well, I could just stay and take care of you. I was like, no, really, I don't know if I'll sleep much tonight, so I'll take you home.

So I took her home, and I never called her back. She called me one other time, and I never returned the call. I think she may have gotten the message. She probably thought it was because I never talked, but maybe it was because SHE WOULDN'T LET ME.

I'm not bitter about it at all.

So that was the worst Valentine's Day I've ever had. Never have I felt more like I wasted an entire night. Well, that might not be true, but I've never felt like I've wasted a night with another person as much.

*Actually, I'm totally cool with being alone this year for V-Day, because I don't have to spend any money.

I hope we don't get a Hendry*

Yesterday Carlos Zambrano came out and stated that if he didn't get a new contract from the Cubs by the beginning of the season, he would refuse to negotiate his contract any more and he would leave the team at the end of the year, if not at the trading deadline. I absolutely believe he is not bluffing, and I am nervous about Jim Hendry giving the Cubs a Hendry.

A Hendry is a multi-functional verb. It actually has two meanings. The first is just when the Cubs GM fucks over the Cubs by letting a player go in free agency rather than getting something for that player when said player's value was high. See Pierre, Juan. The second meaning is new to this season, and it is when Hendry fucks over the team in the long run because he's about to lose his job and he doesn't care what it takes to win before he inevitably gets fired. So how are we about to get a Hendry now?

Most Cubs fans know about the situation with Carlos Zambrano, but let's just revisit it for a second. Carlos is in an arbitration year, and he's asking $15.5 million. The Cubs, however, are only offering $11.025 million for this upcoming season.

The problem with this is two-fold. First, Big Z doesn't want to get screwed over in what he's making, as he's been underpaid pretty much since he joined the rotation. He's still young and he still has such a huge upside. So, he wants to get paid as close to $15.5 million as he can, which is more than fair. However, I don't think Carlos cares what he gets out of arbitration because he wants a new contract before the beginning of the season, which would either replace the contract out of arbitration (if the two sides can't reach an agreement before February 20th, his arbitration date) or add on to that contract.

So, let's assume that the arbitration hearing is split down the middle, and Carlos earns $13.25 million for the 2007 season. A solid raise from last season. Zambrano's career numbers are 64-42 with a 3.29 ERA, and he's pitched over 200 innings in each of the past four seasons. And he's only going to be 26 this season (I'm no sabermetrician, and I don't really understand those stats, so we'll just keep this analysis simple). Now, the biggest free agent pitcher this past offseason was Barry Zito. Zito will turn 29 this season and is basically making $18 million a season for seven seasons. Zito is 102-63 with a 3.55 ERA. Zito has thrown over 200 innings in his past 6 seasons, and in his first season he didn't get nearly enough starts to come close to that. So durability has never been a problem for him. His ERA is not nearly as good in the past 3 years compared to his first 4 years.

So you could look at Zambrano at $15.5 million as a bargain. Which I believe it is. But the Cubs have also brought in two "starters" (I use the term loosely for Jason Marquis). Ted Lilly was brought in as a starter. Lilly will be 31 this season and was signed for $10 million a year for 4 years. Lilly is 59-58 in his career with a 4.60 ERA, and his highest inning total for his career is 197 (he's been over 170 IP 3 times in his career). Jason Marquis, the worst starting pitcher on the free agent market, and one of, if the THE worst starter in major league baseball last year, got a $21 million contract for 3 years. Marquis is 56-52 with a 4.55 ERA, and he's been near or over 200 innings in the past 3 years. And he's only going to be 29 this season. It would appear based on these statistics that Marquis is actually the wiser signing.

This is why numbers can lie. But, regardless, is Hendry saying that Zambrano is worth only slightly more than Ted Lilly? Not necessarily. Perhaps Hendry thought he had a lot of time left to get a deal done with Zambrano for a contract extension, so they made fiscally wise decision to pay him as little as possible, then reward him with the extension.

But now Zambrano has said he wants a new deal or he's leaving.

So what will Hendry do? Obviously it would be ridiculous to let Zambrano go, suggesting we can't pay him. We just threw $40 million at Ted Lilly, who is obviously a far superior pitcher. If Zambrano hits the free agent market, he will be the best free agent pitcher to have been on the market in years. And the Cubs don't need another Greg Maddux situation.

The question is, will he Hendry us? He's already done all he needs to (supposedly) to build a solid team for this season, and slightly into the future, as the core players are locked up for a while. But another member of that core is Big Z.

I really hope he doesn't Hendry us and he gives Zambrano a contract before Opening Day. I just can't be sure if he will or not. On one hand, Penny-pincher MacPhail is gone, but this is also the GM who passed on Jeff Suppan for Jason Marquis.

I think we can all assume that if Z walks though, Hendry will be out after this season, if he makes it that long.

*I hope getting a Hendry is a phrase that doesn't require catching on, but I proclaim myself the first to use such a phrase, and should it catch on, I own the rights to it. Also, I demand credit for verb "Hendry."

Elevator, elevator

Illinois got the shaft in the game against the Shiteating Hoosiers on Saturday. That's not to say they didn't partially deserve to lose the game, but all things considered, I really thought that they played hard enough to win the game. We finally saw an Illini team that played nearly all game, but they played their worst down the stretch. However, like Billy Packer (he was the announcer, right) mentioned, I, yet again, have optimism for the team this season. It seems like everything is meshing at the right time heading into the tournament. If we can take a team that is supposedly so dominant at home (and a top-25 team no less) to the wire, we can escape the first round of the NCAA tournament. Anyways, here's what I noticed from Saturday's game. Also, I should note, I really wanted to post a recap of the game directly after the game, but I was so fucking angry. I was a giant ball of rage.

Kelvin Sampson and his coaching staff love cancer. Saturday was the day when the head coaches across America ignored dress codes and wore tennis shoes in support of the Coaches vs. Cancer foundation. At least, that was what Billy Packer explained; I'm not sure if he's to be believed. Regardless, it was for a good cause. But where were Sampson's sneakers? In hindsight, he probably could have approached the situation differently. Why was it his job to wear the sneakers? Why couldn't the sneakers call him? Asshole. (Note: I also saw Thad Matta without sneakers, while I think all of his staff had them on. So, if it's any surprise, Thad Matta loves cancer also. And what kind of a name is Thad? If he name is Thaddeus, he should shorten it to something else. I'd go with Deuce.)

Rich McBride continues to show up, which is really a relief to see, because not many other players do. Warren Carter had a big day, but Chester did nothing offensively, except for miss 3 free throws and have a lot of rebounds and assists, Jamar did little more than make a shot, and Pruitt was ineffective. So, it's good to see someone stepping up consistently. If only Rich could have turned into the Kevin Turner of this team as opposed to just a 3-point shooting off-guard.

Who would have expected to see Marcus Worthless Piece of Shit Arnold actually perform at a Division 1 level? I didn't, that's for sure. I heard IU is offering him a scholarship if he'll take a 5th year of eligibility after that performance. It was good to see him come in and do anything, especially since Pruitt was so ineffective.

And let's get back to Pruitt being ineffective for a second. The reason he did nothing in the first half was because he didn't play. He was called for two touch-fouls, in which he did nothing wrong. He was the victim of a fuck-job by the referees. The referees held a press-conference after the game.

Reporter: So, were you watching a different game on a mini-tv, and then making the calls based on what you were seeing on that tv? Because the calls you made had no relevance to the game you were actually refereeing.

Referee: Nope, no, I'm pretty sure we were watching the game on the floor today and making calls we thought were pertinent.

Reporter: Ok, well, then exactly what kind of excriment is your head filled with where your brain should be? Is it all human excriment, or is there dog excriment, or is it just a mixture?

Referee: No, I'm pretty sure my head isn't full of excriment. Good question though.

I don't understand how you could call two touch fouls on Pruitt, and then Carter leaves with two fouls around 10 minutes in the first half, and then Randle goes out with two around 5 minutes. And Illinois had the lead after the first half! I expected big things in the second half, but luckily the referees put the kabosh on that. Randle picks up his third quickly, then picks up his fourth. Pruitt remained ineffective despite not really getting into foul trouble (I don't think). Meanwhile, calls were not going both ways. I saw Warren get pushed on one play two different times that would have been called on the Illini, yet they weren't called. The refs called it closer down the stretch at least. Randle really fucked up where he fouled out holding that dude's jersey, but what about the push in the back that the dude offered him before Randle held his jersey? Nothing on that? Also, there were two or three times that I noticed Warren, when on offense, going to rebound a ball and he jumped on one side of the basket, but was pushed and landed on the other side of it. Obviously, the referees thought he wasn't pushed, which makes sense, because everybody knows if you jump on the side the ball goes to, you want to end up on the side it doesn't go to. Seriously, the referees were retarded.

But, all that aside, Illinois still should have won this game. At the end, we got fucked over on fouls a little bit, but the main thing was that our offense turned to shit. The problem I see with Chester Frazier is that he can't get into the offense. He'll spend 12 seconds dribbling before he makes a pass. By that point, we've got about 4 seconds to get into the offense or he gets the ball back to isolate for a shot, which he usually misses.

I also have a problem with our inbounds plays. Indiana was running plays and getting shots, but when does Illinois ever score off an inbounds play. There was the play that Carter dunked on on Saturday. Rarely have I seen that against any other team though. And then to take two timeouts at the end of the game Saturday and on one possession you don't get a shot, and on the other the best shot you can get is Rich shooting kind of a pull-up three? In the final three minutes of the game, I think Illinois only attempted something like three or four shots. Actually, it was closer to three if it was that many. That's going to kill you. Especially on the road. The one game we get to the free throw line and actually make them, we end up making turnovers at the end.

One more thing. Pruitt needs to learn to pass out of a double-team. I know it was easier for him early in the season because double teams, when they would come, would come late. But now teams are planning for him. He gets the ball and he's immediately double-teamed. He needs to learn to recognize double teams and if he can't split them (and usually he can't) he needs to kick the ball back out.

So we lost the game, fuck the Hoosiers. But I think there's definitely reason for optimism. First, Jamar's shot finally seems to be coming back around. Second, Brian Randle played a lot of the game, and he played pretty well. He still makes dumb fouls, but his defense is so aggressive. Third, the team finally played an entire game. We know that our defense can carry us against lesser opponents. Now we just need to work on closing out close games, which is something we really haven't had to do. And, we're at 18 wins. We should close the season with at least 22 wins, and our RPI is good enough that it should put us in the tournament. We've defended the home floor, and if we can finish with a win at Iowa, I think that makes us a pretty solid bet for the NCAA tournament. Maybe we can even make a run at the Big Ten tournament.

Getting Pey'd bitches

Remember that dude who changed his name to Peyton Manning? That's probably the best thing to happen to him in a long time. He's managed to wring like 5 minutes (ok, maybe like 2 or 3) of fame out of that. And, aside from that, he actually had his trip paid for out of Decatur. I wish I got paid to leave Decatur when I lived there. Actually I did once. I had to go to this conference and I got paid for the mileage there and back. That was pretty sweet.

But, there are a number of reasons to get out of Decatur. First, there's the smell. Holy shit what a smell there is. I lived on the far side from ADM (the source of the smell) and there were days when it would start smelling by my apartment. I couldn't ever sleep with my windows open because I was worried about my place reeking of burning soybeans when I woke up. And then I'd never be able to get that damn smell out.

Then of course there's the crime. Oh, the crime. I would regularly turn on the news, of which there was no local station in Decatur (if I remember correctly), and see a story of a murder or something. I lived on a pretty safe end of Decatur. One day a state investigator asked me if I knew someone who used to live in my building (I did not know him).

These are just two of the reasons that getting out of Decatur, regardless of why, is awesome.

So, uh, with that, let's see who's made the list this week:

New to the list:

"Super" "Bowls." So this past week was the Super Bowl, right? Well, my dad told me that he got tickets to the Super Bowl and he asked me to go with him. So we're driving, and I'm thinking that we're headed to the airport. This was of course Sunday morning, but I decided to trust my dad anyways. So we're driving, and we pull into a parking lot in Peru, IL. The building says Super Bowl on it. It's a bowling alley. I doubt this is any sort of a chain of bowling alleys, but I'm sure a lot of clever assholes named their bowling alley this. Well, you bastards are on the list. Super Bowl my ass.

Snow. On Tuesday it snowed probably between 4-6 inches here. Peoria is grossly incapable of clearing snow away. It stopped snowing before 5 on Tuesday night, yet Wednesday when I drove to work, there was still like 2 inches of snow on the road. Just taking the night off people? Regardless, the snow should know to stay away. It was cute when you snowed 2 inches, but cut this bullshit out. You're on notice.

Megabus. I'm not exactly sure what this is, but Chicago is the hub and then it goes to a bunch of cities for relatively low prices or something. Now, it's bad enough that Amtrak doesn't go directly to Peoria, Megabus doesn't either. But, it does travel to a bunch of other major metropolises. Metropoli. Metropoles. Cities like Toledo. I can just imagine that bus being sold out day in, day out. So many people looking to leave the doldrums of Chicago to get back to that sweet center of the world, TOLEDO! Seriously? Toledo? Come on Megabus, you're better than that. You're on notice!

Falling off this week:

President Bush. Meh, out of sight out of mind. I seriously didn't ever hear anything about his visit to Peoria. I just hope at some point I can see it being mocked on national television in some manner.

Indianpolis Colts. We gave you a gift of a shitty football game. You didn't win it, the Bears lost it. And I blame conservative playcalling on all fronts.

This is our country commercial. I definitely still despise you, but since football season is over, I expect to see much, much less of you. Now I just have to deal with that fucking song for the rest of my life, including John Edwards's presidential campaign and the press tour for John Mellencamp. That bastard.

What do I do now?

Now that my wounds have healed from the Bears loss in the Super Bowl (I'm awfully fickle), it's time to look ahead in this sports year of 2007. The Super Bowl just ended, the Pro Bowl(!) is just a couple days away, pitchers and catchers report in just over a week. But how are you supposed to fill in the spaces? Nobody cares about the Pro Bowl, and just beause pitchers and catchers report doesn't really mean anything. But here's how I plan on filling in the gaps.

1. Major coke/alcohol binge - I have developed a new method of time-travel, patent pending, in which I drink a lot of alcohol and then I don't remember anything when I wake up. So the alcohol would be for time-travel. The coke however, is to make the time (that I won't remember) go faster. Also, I could really use that two week coke-binge to do something good, like clean my apartment 45 times.

2. Watch college basketball - As an Illini fan, it's my job to root for the Illini. It's not so much root for the Illini as dread any sort of loss that will completely destroy their season. Tonight they play at Northwestern. Northwestern is terrible, and yet I'm not confident that the Illini will blow them out, which is what they should do. Following that there are games at Indiana and Iowa. I'm almost positive we'll lose to Indiana but the Iowa game is the real terror. Iowa is a shitty team, and yet they beat Indiana. So I'll be spending this time basically waiting for the Illini to fall apart, while secretly hoping that they don't. Anyways, if you don't have any rooting interests in college basketball, the least you could do is watch every game Texas and Ohio State play, and then draw your own conclusions about the better player to draft would be or why. Or at least watch Kevin Durant's domination of the college game. Your call. Well, the least you could do would be nothing at all.

3. Watch hockey - Hey! They play hockey still. Good for the NHL. I really don't watch hockey, but if you do, then good for you. You can spend this break between popular sports by rooting for your favorite teams. If there's anything I remember from playing NHL 94, it's that the Hartford Whalers were a can't-lose team. I bet they're destined for great things this season as well.

4. Help fix your favorite baseball team - Maybe you're not entirely happy with your team's offseason moves. I've been very vocal on here about how much the Cubs signing Jason Marquis sucks. It sucks so bad. Well, why not help them modify their roster? How can you do this? You can put a hit out on Jason Marquis. If he "mysteriously" doesn't report to spring training, then he can't ruin the team, which he is almost certain to do. This can work for probably just about every team in baseball also. (Note: If you're worried about the ramifications of murder/collusion/attempted murder, you can probably just cut off their arms or something. Anything as long as they can never play again.)

5. The NBA is on! - We're actually just getting to the heart of the NBA season. Well, I actually consider the heart as the playoffs, because that's where everything is really interesting, but we're near the All-Star break, which is a little past the halfway point. There are a number of interesting story-lines to follow. Will Gilbert Arenas be the MVP? Is there any chance anyone can beat the Suns or the Mavericks? Who's the gay Net? Is it Vince Carter? Vince Carter? It's Vince Carter, isn't it? How good of a draft pick will the Knicks get hosed for this year?

6. Kill a hobo - It's not like you actually get charged with anything. Hobos are disappearing all the time. The police don't seem to care. It's a good way to practice your killing techniques too, just in case you ever get in a fight or something. And people say hobos are good for nothing.

So this is just a short list of things I will be doing to pass the time until March Madness, which is really the next great thing in sports that people actually care about.

Doing the Super Bowl the right way

This was a crazy weekend. I think I did something that I haven't done since I graduated college, and even then I'm not so sure I didn't clearly do it much better. I don't want to give away too much too soon though.

So I pick up Muffy in Bloomington around 5 on Friday afternoon, so I've got a little company for the drive to the city. This actually made the drive much more enjoyable, and we made really good time although it seemed to go pretty slowly. We completely avoided traffic which was awesome. While we were on our way to the city we realized we had no idea where we were staying. I thought we were staying one place, Muffy thought we were staying at another. I think everyone had a different idea of where we were staying. Anyways, we finally got it all figured out. We didn't do much on Friday night aside from not eat dinner, then I started drinking pretty heavily and we watched The Prestige. I give the movie a big MEH. I got drunk, we watched the movie, we went to get pizza, I was forced to watch Grey's Anatomy, I passed out. I also passed out for a while during the movie too. Excuse me for not sleeping well and not eating dinner and getting drunk. Anyways, sidenote: Grey's Anatomy is such a terrible show. And Ellen Pompeo looks like ass. And Sandra Oh! looks like some sort of a mix between a llama and a dog. She's a llama-dog. She walked into a bar and the bartender was like, "Hey, why the long face?"

So, I'm not entirely sure what time we woke up on Saturday. I think it was fairly early. 9:30 or so. That sounds about right. We laid around for most of the morning, and then we finally started getting around. We went to go see Smokin' Aces at 2, and we had yet to have lunch. So that means that Muffy and I didn't have dinner and we didn't have lunch. The movie got over around 4, and then we went to Target. We were there for a while, and we decided we'd make dinner and make tacos. Of course, there's shit for tacos at Target. Also, I fucking hate Target. So then we left and went to Jewel to get shit for tacos. Following that we finally got home and had lunch/dinner whatever you want to call it. One meal for the day. And drinking began during it. So there was much drinking before we headed out at 10 to Belly's. At Belly's we got the $25 special for free drinks from 10-1. I have absolutely no idea how much I'd drank before we went out, but there was quite a bit. So anyways, we got there and I just drank beer the whole night. Well, Brooke showed up around 10:30. We sat around and played asshole for a while, and red/black/high/low, because there wasn't much to do at the bar besides watch the Bulls win and drink. Around 12:45 or so, Brooke said she needed to leave and that she was too drunk to stay any more. She also said she thought she'd be sick if she stayed much longer and was worried about puking in the cab. That was the last I'd heard of her that night. Around 1:15 or 1:30, Muffy wanted to dance, so we all headed to some after-hours bar. That place was skeevy. Is that accurate enough to describe it? Well, we were there until about 3:30 or so, then went home and passed out a little after 4.

Now, I woke up at 10 on Sunday morning. I was still completely drunk. Apparently I opened up a beer when we got home on Saturday night, but I only drank about 2/5 of it. Anyways, I woke up at 10, found out how Brooke's night ended (pukily), showered, opened the first beer at 10:41 and finished it before 11. This is how my Super Bowl Sunday began. We went to Costco and Jewel, and then came back home and started making food. Well, the people who were cooking made it. I just sat around and drank. At 2 we started watching Puppy Bowl 3 and then we played Loaded Questions. I don't remember any specific questions that were mistakes to ask, but I'm sure there were some. Anyways, I bet that the kickoff would not happen before 5:29, and I ended up losing $10 on that. I was sure to go double or nothing during the remainder of the game, but that never happened. I came out even for the day, as I won $25 but lost a $10 bet and paid $15 on squares which allowed me to win $25. So anyways, following the game, most of us were disappointed, but that didn't stop me from drinking. We watched Idiocracy which didn't look very good, although I probably passed out for about 30 minutes of it or so, and then we followed that up with watching Old School. It was like 1:15 or so when we went to bed that night. I eventually stopped drinking when I passed out during Idiocracy, but in no way was I sober when I went to sleep. So I was effectively drunk all day Super Bowl Sunday.

Woke up Monday at 10 again. I was dying of thirst and sober, but I was not hungover in the least. Monday of course was the first time I'd been sober since Saturday. Awesome. At one point in the morning I went to the bathroom in Dumpy's room because someone was in the other bathroom. As I flushed the toilet, I noticed the water rising. Hmm, interesting. Why is it going up when it should be going down? Then it started nearing the edge, and I thought, oh shit. This is bad. You haven't lived unless you've plunged someone else's toilet after not leaving anything behind to clog it, and I was about to live for the first time.

I jammed the plunger in as the water started pouring out. One plunge, two plunges. Nothing. I think in all I plunged four or five times and then the water finally went down. Surprisingly, walking out of someone's bathroom and saying "I need towels; the toilet overflowed" is kind of embarassing. I managed to get the whole thing cleaned up, and because I was so quick on my feet, there wasn't that much to clean up. And then I washed the skin off my hands just to make sure I was clean.

So that's how you do a Super Bowl weekend. You wake up drunk on Sunday and drink all day, then take Monday off. Except, uh, try and make sure your team wins.

Trust me, I don't care what you think

First day back to work after the Super Bowl. You know what? I'm not happy about it. Probably not a surprise though. Anyways, I've been here less than an hour and I've heard two incorrect opinions about the game on Sunday. And I've read a couple more that, while probably not incorrect, I disagree with. So here's a final wrap-up of the Bears season. And then I'll probably get too depressed and start crying when I finish. Ok, that's gay, I won't.

I do not argue that Rex could have performed much, much better. But I also don't really think he was ever put in a position to succeed following that first TD he threw. How could we consistently end up in a 3rd and long situation every time? Following that first TD he threw, it seemed like the Bears weren't really interested in winning the game. Or scoring. Or staying competitive.

Losing Benson hurt us big time. He's a punishing runner, and he changes the pace from Thomas Jones, who, shouldn't be starting. Well, we saw how ineffective TJ can be when he's the sole feature back. And I thought it was a great coaching decision to stay with an ineffective Jones. I know running early can set up the run later, but it's also nice to run effectively every once in a while. At least Adrian Peterson stayed on the sideline though. I'd rather not have someone at least able to provide a spark.

And what was the deal with the fumbles? Lost snaps, dropped passes. You can't blame the fumbles, aside from the snaps, on Grossman. Basically everything I thought the Bears would excel in they didn't, and everything I expected from the Colts playing in the rain actually happened to the Bears. Not that I think the outcome would have been different without rain necessarily, but whatever.

I'm just really sick of everyone saying that Rex completely cost the Bears the game. We've had this discussion pretty much since the Arizona game. He was the only QB who could have won that game. Not fucking Brian Griese. Maybe Kyle Orton. But with that playcalling, there aren't too many QB's who can win the game. We've seen before that Rex struggles trying to do too much. So let's just let put him in situations where it's easy for him to do too much. That can't end badly at all. Nah.

Fuck that. I've complained about playcalling before, and I'll probably continue to do it. We know Rex can't do everything. But seriously, you think Brian Griese can? Rex was outplayed by Peyton, just like we expected he would be. But who would have thought that the Colts defense would have played so well? Or, perhaps not well, but at least adequately? Not me, that's for sure.

I'm in a hurry bitches

Not much time today. Let's get right to business.

New this week:

President Bush. I don't know if you know this or not, but Peoria is kind of a big deal. President Bush was here this week to promote economics or something. I heard absolutely nothing about his speech. However, twice I had to leave and come back. Well, once I had to. I was on my way back to work and there are 3 possible bridges I can cross. Well, all 3 bridges I could cross had been closed, even though only two of those bridges were especially close to where the King of the Free World was. So I had to go 20 minutes out of my way just so I could get back to fucking work. The President. Speaking about economy. Yet keeping me from work. You may be thinking, "20 minutes out of the way isn't that far. Quit bitching." Well you've got some nerve. And when it increased your trip by about 400%, that's a big deal. So fuck you Mr. President. Also, I should have written a post mocking him while he was a mere half mile away. That's probably as close as I ever get to him, unless he presides over my execution at some point in the future. But I digress. So for keeping me from work, the President makes the list this week.

Cold. Winter has been replaced just by frigid fucking cold. The high is about 7, the wind chill is about -10. Why the fuck did I choose to not just move to Florida or something? I absolutely despise cold. And it's at least going to last all fucking weekend. So fuck you cold. You think I can't handle this? I can. But just because I can doesn't mean I want to. So you suck cold. Get the fuck out of here. You're on notice!

In the interest of time, I'm going to skip what fell off the list. And more explanations. Just go back and read last week's if you care to. Next week I should remember and not be an idiot about doing this though.

What I would do for Super Bowl weekend

Obviously, I've never been to Miami, and I obviously don't have tickets to the Super Bowl because I don't have that kind of money. Instead I get to stay in lovely (read: miserable) central Illinois, soaking up all of the overcast, 6 degree days. I know, you're jealous.

But there are some lucky bastards out there who are going to the Super Bowl. They're going to be in Miami for the entire weekend, or possibly they've been there for the entire week. But they have absolutely no idea how to spend their time. So this is my gift to all of those ungrateful assholes lucky enough to be in Miami. Here is how you should spend your time there.

1. Hit the bars in all white. You never know when you're going to be at a bar and Diddy will walk in. He owns Miami. Now, say you're at some little podunk sports bar that's completely empty, and you're the only person there in all white. You'll feel like a jackass, right? And then who walks in? Diddy. And he'll see you and he'll immediately want to party. Trust me. If I know Diddy, which I don't, that is exactly what would happen.

2. Try the coke. I hear that there's cocaine all over Miami. If you don't try it, it's like you're missing out on a time-honored tradition. And, as I learned this morning while listening to Sports Bloggers Live from Tuesday, you want to make sure and get the shit that isn't cut with bleach. I would totally try the coke if I was there. I'm pretty sure I could do it and not even get addicted to it. And, hell, even if I did get addicted, I could use a little variation in my life, and I think a crippling addiction to cocaine could be just the thing I need. Unfortunately, I'm not in Miami, so I'll just have to live vicariously through everyone else.

3. Find a celebrity and harass the hell out of them. Everyone's in Miami for the Super Bowl. There are your biggest sports stars, celebrities who love to party, etc. I'm sure it wouldn't be hard to find one. Just wait outside of a popular bar, again, dressed in white (on the off chance that they don't let you in, but come on! You're dressed head to toe in white!) and when a celebrity/sports personality walks out, just follow them. Oh, sure, they may act like they're not interested in talking to you, but you know they totally are. They may even get 'restraining orders,' whatever those are, or call the police, or have their bodyguards/entourage beat you senseless, but trust me. They want you to fawn over them and they love the attention.

4. Befriend a celebrity. Of course not everyone in Miami is on top of the A-list. You're probably going to find a bunch of D-list celebrities, and lower, and they're going to be getting turned away from bars, and they're going to be buying their own drinks. Losers. This is where you come in. You tell them how much you respect their work, and how you think that they totally should have gotten that role that they read for in whatever piece of shit movie is popular and maybe they should fire their agent. You may have to listen to a bunch of bullshit, but it will be worth it. Why? Because chicks love celebrities. Any celebrities. If they even look like they might be semi-famous, or even look like they might be semi-famous, chicks, especially drunk, love celebrities. So maybe if you're lucky you'll your new celebrity friend will toss you some of his scraps. On second thought, maybe this isn't such a good idea. I mean, you've got your self-respect, right? Well, if you don't, then do this.

5. Hit up the Spring Hill Nursery. Why you ask? Well, if you are a loser and went to Miami for 'family fun' or to do something stupid like go look at flowers, then this is the best place you can go. Sure it's not technically in Miami, but it's probably close. Also, you should probably go here because if you end up in Miami, Ohio, and you're thinking you're going to see the Super Bowl, you're a retard and may want to consider killing yourself.

6. Hit up the Calder Race Horse Track. If you've been morning Barbaro, as I'm sure many, many people are, this is a great place to go and pay your last respects. Also, it's a good way to gamble on something. Since there's obviously nothing else going on in Miami this weekend that you could gamble on. Nope. Not a gambling hotspot this weekend. Not at all.

So I suggest you take my advice on how to spend your time wisely in Miami. Also, you may want to bring along a sober friend, because while you're drunk and/or coked out of your mind, you may not remember much except things that aren't happening, like being attacked by spiders. Be sure to take a lot of pictures, and get as many phone numbers as possible for "networking" as well. And never be afraid to look like a jackass, because, you know, you couldn't possibly look like a bigger jackass than most of a people who live there.