Remembering things is overrated

Well it's time for another installment of things that send me into a murderous rage for quite possibly no reason at all.

It's been a much better week for me this week. I feel like karma was less of a bitch to me. Actually, I take that back. I showed karma what's what, and now she knows not to mess with me again. And, I reiterate, she is a whore.

Anyways, like I said, much better week. Peoria, while being horrible, managed not to suck the life out of me. I also had motivation to take care of my business in a timely, efficient manner, meaning inspiration was plentiful enough. Man, why am I so cryptic at times?

Also great was tv this week. The deaf tranny won America's Next Top Model, some other stuff happened on other shows I didn't watch, the Bulls almost made a run and at least made things interesting until they forgot the point of basketball was to actually make shots, and the Office was great. All of these things combined with my ass-kicking of karma made this week semi-easy to handle. So where does the hate come from this week?

I'll tell you where.

New this week:

Technology. Well, you finally did it. Because my FM transmitter was being such a piece of shit and was actually ignoring the laws of gravity, thus falling over any time my car made a slight move to the right, I was forced to purchase a new one. Apparently bastards hadn't had the foresight to realize that manual transmissions may cause problems for stupid FM transmitters. So thanks for that technology. You continue to rape money out of my pockets. Don't even think about what that actually means, because I do not know either.

Jacque Jones. Guess who's back on the list. Your inability to perform on offense for the Cubs is horrendous. Plus, you have now been supplanted by Angel fucking Pagan. The walking contradiction. Pagan was hitting .250 in AAA, and he's hitting well above you now. So, don't let the door hit you on the way out. Also, walk out the door quickly please. You're holding up the line.

Work. Whoever came up with the idea of work on a Friday? It's complete bullshit. I tend to think of work as more of an option and not a requirement on Friday's though. Sure, I could do work. But what about free will man? I don't need your rules.

USPS. Hey, did you know the price of postage went up? Do you know why it did? Because the government likes fucking people. Do you know how much it costs to mail your typical letter? 3 cents. Where's the other 36, i mean 38 cents going? And why does it have to be an odd number? It's 40 too difficult? Fuck you post office. I just finished off my fucking 37 cent stamps, and now postage will go up right around the time I buy 41 cent stamps. I would like to tell this little anecdote. Last year, when postage went up, I fought the system by continuing to mail things with 37 cent stamps. I know, I'm a rebel. Well, the post office was my bitch, because they delivered that shit for a month. Suckers. Also, I'm glad there was a memo sent out about postage. I wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't told about it on Sunday night or saw it on cnn.com. If something was included in my mail about it, maybe they should have tried to not send it with the rest of the junkmail bullshit I get. Man, fuck the post office.

TV Networks. This week networks revealed new shows and shit for the fall. Or something, I don't know. My problem is with how retarded these networks are, specifically Fox. Fox has this grand idea that every piece of shit they touch is gold. And retards who watch Fox only solidify that fact. Fox has good shows, like Simpsons and Family Guy, and a shit-ton of people watch American Idol. So, Fox thinks they're untouchable, and they're pretty incapable of losing money. Oh, also they have that are you a redneck show with Jeff Foxworthy that people love for some reason. Anyways, because of this, and their inability to promote shows that are actually good, Fox has a lineup that is consistenly packed with shit that fails. The only shows Fox CAN promote are shitty shows. Case in point: 'Til Death. Somehow that shitcom got picked up for a second season, even though it's not funny and no one watches it. Yet, Arrested Development couldn't even squeeze out 3 full seasons. If you want to be successful at Fox, you either have to be mind-numbingly retarded or have a solid enough premise that can be picked up at any point by retards. Fuck TV networks, but specifically, fuck Fox.

Employers. Hi, I still need a job. Why are you not offering me one? Why are you an asshole? You can take your job and shove it, you're an asshole. But seriously, I'll take it.

Peoria. I said this week was better. You know how bored I was this weekend? I took like 4 naps and I worked out. On a weekend. I don't do that. I cannot come up with one benefit to living in Peoria. Wait, it's not Decatur. That's as positive as I can get.

Off this week:

Money. I will never have enough money. However, it varies from week to week how much of a problem that is. This week, maybe not so much. Next week, probably.

Karma. See above. Karma is still a bitch, but I made it my bitch. I don't want to get into the specifics of how this occurred though.

Best Buy. You are still a bitch, and I hate your policies. However, I cannot stay mad when you have so many reasonably priced HDTV's. Also, I have developed a plan for getting a new TV, which Best Buy is involved with, so in the interest of the partnership, I have chosen to remove Best Buy, at least temporarily.

Welcome Back. Bitches.

So it's been a little while since I've written anything. And you know what? I've barely had any inspiration for anything at all. I'll start hating something, and then I'll forget about it. Me and my lousy memory. If I could remember I'd write something about that too. But anyways, where was I?

So, what's new? Not a lot, thanks for asking. My life has no direction, but that's nothing new. Also, I have become increasing obsessed with Michael Cera for reasons beyond my own understanding. I think he may be the funniest person alive. And have you seen the preview for Superbad? That shit looks hilarious.

Man, what's my deal? Not even any hilarious anecdotes this week? You'd think after so long off I'd be saving shit up in my lockbox of hilarity. Well, I lost it. How does that sound? So without further ado, this week's list:

New this week:

Technology. Yep, you're still on my shit list. Nothing you do can go well for me. My tv continues to suck, and I think there my also be a spot of discoloration developing as well. That's just terrific, because often I wonder what my TV would look like if it were in variations of green and blue. Hopefully, soon enough, you can quell that thirst for knowledge. Also, my FM transmitter for my iPod now sucks. Apparently it wasn't designed with my car in mind, because whenever I reverse, I have to slip it on its side. Well, now it flips over almost every time I make a right turn. That's not annoying at all. Thanks for that technology. Except replace the word "that" with everything. Oh, and replace "thanks" for "fuck you."

Money. Man, so many fucking bills to pay this month. Also, I want to point out that when we had yearly reviews, in JANUARY, mine was stellar. But I couldn't get a raise because they're in NEGOTIATIONS. So, yeah, that will happen never. Perhaps this should be filed under work, but it's regarding money, and I still don't have enough. I may pick up another job on the side dealing drugs, because where's the downside in that? Nowhere is the correct answer.

Work. Man, remember how I complained about how cold it was in here, back in like February? Yeah, those were the good old days. It's 81 degrees outside, and yet it's a brisk 78 degrees in here. It's amazing I don't catch frostbite in these working conditions. 78 degrees. What do I look like. A penguin? (If I do look like a penguin, just don't tell me.)

Karma. So, I hate my job, and I'm still looking for a new one. Since I don't give a shit about it, I called in sick on Monday. Woohoo extended weekend. Well karma is kicking me in the ass for it, because among various other things, I'm getting sick. And/or I've gotten sick. But can karma give me a new job for working a shit job for this long? Of course not. Because karma is a cold-hearted bitch. And I heard she was a whore too.

Best Buy. I actually still hate you, and as proof, I actually bought something from Wal-Mart. God, I just shuddered as I typed out Wal-Mart.

Employers. Hey, employers, why don't you quit following karma's lead and get me a new fucking job! I'm a great employee, and as long as I'm interested in my work and feel like I'm being reimbursed for said work fairly, I'll not take too many sick days when I'm not sick. Hell, Monday was the first I'd ever taken here. So what's that bullshit about? Um, anyways, back on course, I would very nearly give my number out on here just to see if employers would call it, but I'd probably get a lot of fans calling, and I don't have the effort to screen calls this weekend. So, uh, where was I? Oh yeah, I need a new job.

Peoria. You know what there is in Peoria? Shit. None of my friends. A strip club that I refuse to go to by myself. A strange smell on various days. Boredom. Apathy. And my fucking job. It's like my apartment is an oasis in a giant desert of dullness and whatever the opposite of life is. I need to get out of here.

Penny Dreadful. I was in Best Buy like a month ago (before the iPod debacle) and I bought two movies from Horrorfest. You know how many of them were Penny Dreadful? Zero. In fact, I saw the pile of Penny Dreadful movies and I broke them all in half, while screaming incessantly, and then I puked on them. Yeah. Take that Penny Dreadful.

Off this week:

Jacque Jones. You know, he should probably still be on the list. How do you fucking leave 9 runners on base in one game? But, you know what, I just don't have the Jacque-hating in me right now.

Tires. Apparently I am fickle and cannot hold a grudge for very long. Who says I haven't learned anything from women?

So that's all I've got for this week. It's kicked my ass, and I'll be glad to say good-riddance to it. So I guess I'll see everyone in three weeks?

Happy Pot Day Bitches

I would say that my fondest memory of 420 would have to be from my senior year of high school. I went to a small high school, and it was located on the edge of a really rural town, so we were surrounded by a lot of cornfields and stuff.

For the last period of the day, I had Advanced Biology, and our teacher was pretty young, so she was pretty informal. She told us that we could either stay inside and take notes (it was a Friday, and that actually makes me feel pretty fucking old) or we could go outside and do roadside cleanup for the Adopt-A-Highway bullshit. We chose the latter since it was a nice day. Well, at one point while we were out there, our teacher told us to be on the lookout for an unmarked white van. Apparently, one had driven past the elementary school (very nearby) two or three times and had been reported to the police. So our teacher was apparently cool with us getting kidnapped and taken to be sodomized as long as she didn't have to put together some sort of after-school or weekend roadside cleanup activity. But, hell, we were outside, and it was a pretty nice day, so we complained, but we could have complained a lot more. We lost 2 kids out of our class that day, but I'll be damned if that road wasn't slightly cleaner by the time we finished.

So let's see who or what is on notice this week:

New this week:

Technology. FUUUUUUUUCK. I've tried typing this bitch out twice now, and it keeps fucking closing on me. Thanks for that technology. Add to the fact that my TV screen keeps resizing itself at the edges. It's difficult to explain, but basically I see it happen and I begin to think I'm having seizures. Then I realize that my TV is just shitting out on me. Seriously, technology has done nothing but tread on me for the past month at least. Fuck you technology.

Jacque Jones. Nothing too personal here Jacque, but we don't need you any more. We didn't really need you last season, since you really didn't do anything too spectacular, and you certainly didn't increase your trade value (somehow), but we definitely don't need you now. You're the odd man out in our crowded outfield, which could be a compliment, since it says we think too much of you to put you on the bench. Yeah, just consider it a compliment, and not the fact that you're not good enough. But you're on notice regardless. Get off the Cubs.

Work. I'm fucking working overtime on a Friday. I don't know what the deal is, but for the past three fucking weeks on Friday (Thursday during Vegas week) right around 1pm is when I get fucking swamped with shit to do. Thankfully I don't have shit going on till later tonight, otherwise I'd be hellapissed about it. Regardless, work, you're treading on me. Fuck you, you're on notice.

Tires. Tires, you're preventing Meg from coming to Peoria. Specifically, fuck you out of stock tires. You should remain in stock at all times, and you should come up with a system that will replenish yourself if you should be nearing the end of your in-stockedness. And what's with that blowing out shit? Bullshit I tell you.

Best Buy. Hey, still no word on my iPod. Well, I guess that's incorrect, since I STILL DON'T HAVE IT. I NEED MY IPOD. GIVE IT TO ME. Fuck you and your shitty-for-the-most-part warranty system Best Buy.

Employers. Still no job in Chicago. Fuck you, I need one. Peoria is killing my will to live, and specifically, my job is kiling my will to live. Hire me already. Please, seriously, I'm dying over here.

Peoria. IS KILLING MY WILL TO LIVE. It's fucking in the middle of nothing too. There's no direct way to get anywhere except Champaign or Indianapolis from Peoria. Oh, I can get to Galesburg??? OUTSTANDING. Why would I want to go to Chicago if I could go to GALESBURG?? And there's no Amtrak in Peoria either. What's that about. Oh, I could take a charter bus that will take me to either of two airports or the mall in Schaumburg. What a sweet deal. Seriously Peoria, get your shit in gear.

Dropping off:

Weather. It's about time you got your shitass in gear. I don't have time for this cold bullshit. It should be 72 and sunny from here on out. It can get slightly warmer, but no cooler. Otherwise...

Hangovers. I can't stay mad at you. I mean, I haven't felt like puking from alcohol since last Tuesday. Besides, you mean I probably had fun the night before, and I'm definitely going to feel better than you at some point in the future.

So that's all I've got for this week. I fucked Blogger over and still managed to post this despite them, so I feel that's definitely a personal victory. So who wants to get fucked up.

It's been awhile (not like that shitty song)

So I realize it's been a while since I've made this list. First, I'd like to say it's not my fault. First, the end of the day snuck up on me two weeks ago. And I really wanted to make a list, but I felt it would be inappropriate to work overtime because of that. Last week, it totally wasn't my fault. I got stuck at the other building for about 90 minutes longer than I thought I would, and I ended up working 45 minutes overtime as it was.

So, without further ado, here's who's on notice this week (this may look different to many of you):

Technology
Work
Technology
Weather
Employers
Best Buy
Hangovers
Penny Dreadful

Notice anything different about that list? Just imagine me holding up the board and pointing in your face. Me or Colbert, either works, and we're both angry.

So, who's up this week:

Technology. You bitch. Here I am, just trying to do my business, and I can't fucking generate an On Notice board. You know what website? You suck. Sure you've given me and thousands of others hours of entertainment. But quit sucking you bitch.

Work. Man, work is really cramping my style. I worked a fucking 3 day work week and I'm still hella burnt out. Yes, I said hella. Last week work even kept me from putting people on notice. And I NEED to put people on notice. It's one of the three or four things I live for. Drinking constitutes at least 2 other things I live for.

Technology again. Fuck you. Oh, we reach cruising altitude and my iPod fucks up? Hooray indeed. I didn't really WANT to use my iPod. It's not like I made a separate journey JUST to get my iPod. I really wanted to wait in security AGAIN. I love being around a lot of people. If I could live in a cattle pen with about 9000 other people, I would be in heaven. Fuck you technology.

Weather. What the fuck is up with this bullshit?? Last week it's 80 fucking degrees on Wednesday. Then on Thursday it's 40. Then we head to Las Vegas and it's a beautiful 85. Then we come home AND IT FUCKING SNOWS. And it's still fucking cold. You know what weather? It's April. Cut this shit out before you're dead to me. You and technology are on a thin leash.

Employers. I've been looking for a job seriously since October. You know how many job offers I've gotten since then? ZERO. Why doesn't anyone want to employ me? Because they're all a bunch of bastards. And maybe they have a link to my blog. And, my current employer sucks too. Because they actually make me work, and they don't pay me enough. And I don't get paid for work I don't do, like on weekends and stuff when I don't work. I should get paid for that shit.

Best Buy. Hey, I needed a new computer 2 weeks ago. Oh, you don't have any Macbooks in stock? Terrific, I'll take my business elsewhere, assholes. Hey, my warranty is about to be used on my BROKEN iPod. Oh, what's that, a cracked screen is only covered about HALF the time? Even though I've got the warranty on it? And I DIDN'T DROP IT!!!!! Terrific. Maybe I'll go buy a broken TV from you next. Or I could just pay you the $2000 and cut out the whole "goods and services" thing.

Hangovers. I seriously had at least a 48 hour hangover from Las Vegas. Not only that, but I could have easily puked just about anytime within that 48 hours with very little effort. I did not, but I could have. Of course, I could never stay mad at hangovers, because then I'd have to stop drinking in excess. Ha, like that'll ever happen.

Off this week:

Everything college basketball related. The season is over, and now I'm only interested in recruiting and returning players' progress. The rest of you suck.

My sister. She wants to be talked about more. By talking about her more, I'm only giving into her demands, and she'll never learn that way. Learn what? I'm not sure. But it won't happen regardless. Also, I'm a great person, and as such, I feel like I will give her the pleasure of not being on notice any more. I await my nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize.

So that's the week. Hopefully I'll gain more inspiration in the future so I can start updating this more, but lately I've just lost the energy. Hopefully I'll regain it soon enough.

My life is a joke

My life is a joke that I think I'm in on, but I'm not entirely sure after the past week's occurrences.

Anyways, I am still in the job market. I got a call about a job this week, and it seemed ideal, so there had to be a catch, right? Well, of course there was. I technically didn't have any of the experience that they were looking for. I mean, I have experience, but not in the main thing I would be doing. So I don't expect to hear anything back from that. Terrific.

Anyways, when I was drunk last night I started thinking about things I could do. I could be some sort of critic who gets paid to shit on a lot of things that people like. Like Grey's Anatomy. Man would I tear that show apart. Or perhaps I could be a consultant for Best Week Ever. Of course, I would probably have to not be too ugly to appear on television, I would probably need some sort of stand-up comedy background, and I would probably have to wait until the people who actually do the blogging at BestWeekEver.tv also appear on the show. But, whatever. I'll do that.

So I would like to announce my candidacy for any awesome job openings involving being a critic, or just commentaries on pop culture in general. And if I get to swear, that's even better. Anyways, let's get to the list for this week.

New this week:

Technology. Holy shit computer. What is your problem. So I'm working on my recap for the Real World on Wednesday night and I hear this clicking noise. In fact, this is a clicking noise I heard last week, except this time there was a 'whirr' added into the mix. Terrific. My computer shut down and I thought I'd lost all my shit, but luckily Firefox had my back. Three more times before the end of the night, and twice within an hour, my computer restarted itself. So I spent Thursday looking at deals for Macbooks. However, it was suggested that I perform an error check on the hard drive and maybe it could repair the problems. I did so, and there were 7 ERRORS that had been repaired. Seriously, what the fuck is up technology?

Work. Holy shit work. My working conditions are still terrible. It's been humid in the lousy place all week. Or I'll come in and it will be a perfect 68, and then by 12 it's 74. And it only gets hotter. Work is such a pain in my ass. I don't even know why I do it anymore. Well, to be honest, I don't do it very much anymore, I'm just here a lot.

Referees. I'm not sure if you know the job of a referee, but it's basically to enforce all of the rules their certain governing body has put into effect. Apparently the referees in the basketball games last night did not receive the memo. Let's see, SIU lost by three points, and the referees blew a shot-clock violation that was painfully obvious, and they also blew a goaltending call. That is a 4 point swing against SIU. I wonder if those four points (or even two points) would have made a difference in the outcome of the game. No, probably not. Jackasses. But at the end of the other early game, they took forever to make a ruling in how much time rolled off the clock in the inbounding play. They rules 1.1 seconds. Wait, what? 1.1? After the ball was touched, and the whistle was blown IMMEDIATELY after? We saw that the ball didn't touch out of bounds when you said it did. But that doesn't mean you can retroactively correct that call. The clock stops when you blow the whistle, and it was blown immediately. Way to fuck up THE ONLY THING YOU DO. Also, how do you call a foul with 3.1 seconds left anyways? And such a wiener foul at that? Way to impact the ENTIRE END OF THE GAME. You blow refs.

Kansas. Rock Chalk, You Sock. Except in place of sock, put 'are fucking pieces of shit.' We all know that you should have lost that game last night. People are praising Bill Self for such a wonderful job of coaching he did, when he didn't do shit. He nearly (and should have) lost to a team that they should have supposedly beaten easier, and he didn't call any plays, his players took the game over. Bah, fuck him. And fuck Kansas. Come on UCLA.

Seth Davis. At the end of the Texas A&M game, you tore into the referees for fucking up that call, which we all saw. And I was like, man, good work dude. Let them have it. Don't pussy-foot around it. And then we come back at halftime of the next games and you're saying the refs did a good job and you were wrong? Bullshit. BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT. You can't say the refs did a good job of retroactively correcting their own blown call. Because they can't do that. And it wasn't a good job. You're an idiot.

People. Like I need a reason for hating people. The harder thing would be coming up for reasons why NOT to hate people. And I can't do it. So there you go.

Off this week:

Gonzaga, Davidson, Old Dominion. You know what you get for sucking? Not a second thought. Well, kind of a second thought, since I put you on notice in the first place, but after that, not a second though. So, not a second second thought. But I still give you all a BAAAAAAH.

Taxes. I'm not really sure why I took you off the list. Probably because I hate you so much that thinking about you puts me into a murderous rage. So good job with that. I hope you get a boomerang.

Weather. While you should probably be on this list because you're still kind of retarded, since Sunday you've been fine. And fine is fine with me. Just don't get too hot too fast or I will stab you. And if anyone sees me running around stabbing at the air, you'll know what I'm doing.

That's all I've got for this week. In 2 weeks from now I'll be in Vegas, or Wetas as it's occasionally known, and that day cannot come soon enough.

I thought I had an STD but it just turned out to be March Madness

This has got to be the best time of the year. There are still a lot of teams playing men's college basketball, and Duke isn't one of them, upsets galore (hopefully at some point through the tournament), and my birthday. And let's not forget a new season of South Park and 300 last week, which was insanely awesome.

Another great thing (*shameless self-promotion alert*) is that I started recapping The Real World on TVgasm. Which, if you were wondering, is still blocked by my firewall. I work for Nazis though, so I guess we shouldn't be surprised. Anyways, the recap is a lot more fun to do than The Surreal Life Fame Games and people actually read it. I was afraid that I was going to be hung out to dry in the comments, but actually people were pretty perceptive to the jokes. Some people even loved it. Although I'm sure their IQ's are in question.

Anyways, I don't have a lot of time this week to try and be funny, so let's just get to the list.

New this week:

Technology. Just when I think everything is working right (aside from my iTunes, whatever that's all about), my computer starts making this clicking noise and goes all blue screen, then restarts itself. Fanfuckingtastic. Not only that, it's still making the clicking noise every once in a while, so I fully expect it to crash any day now. And I definitely cannot afford to replace it. But what are you gonna do? Technology is almost dead to me.

Old Dominion. What's up ODU. Couldn't pull off the upset against Butler? Even though you totally should have. Bastards. .

Weather. Seriously, I told you to cut this shit out. It's 80 here on Tuesday night, and then it's suddenly 38 today with a chance of snow? Fuck you. That's what I say to your snow.

Gonzaga. Ok, I know you lost Josh Heytvelt because he likes magical mushrooms, but is that any reason to play Indiana like a bunch of pansies? Illinois gave a perfect recipe for beating Indiana. TWICE. But you can't follow it? Pressure the shooters, specifically Rod Wilmont. Oh, you'll just go and let him go off for 16 (or whatever he had) in the first half? Suit yourself. Losers.

Taxes. I mailed my taxes in to be processed this week. And I didn't pay that state tax bullshit. And I told the government to keep that fucking $59 they owe me. I don't need their pity. Ok, that's a lie. I totally need their pity. But fuck them anyways.

My sister. Remember how my friends were on notice last week? Well, now my sister is. Because she thinks they're soo funny. And she was challenging me to put her on the list. I think we all know she learned her lesson. I expect her to apologize profusely any second now. Any second.

Davidson. Even though I technically picked you to lose in almost every bracket I did, I'm pissed off at you. You easily had the easiest chance for an upset early in the day, and then you blew it. Not only that, in one of the brackets I filled out, I picked you to go to the sweet 16? You know what that got me? Shit. So you're on notice now. Look what you've done.

Off this week:

Work. Work probably shouldn't be off. I work in terrible conditions. It's like The Jungle all over again. Verbatim. Plus, it interrupts my college basketball watching. You know what? Work is officially back on notice. Way to go work.

Firewalls. I hate you, you suck. You won't let me to TVgasm. I need TVgasm. Fuck you.

Kelvin Sampson. Is it his fault that Gonzaga came out with a terrible gameplan and poor guard defense? No, it's Gonzaga's fault. I should put Mark Few on notice. But I won't. Even though I would be totally justified if I did. Plus, a win for the Big Ten will shut up all those other bastards complaining about the Big Ten getting 6 bids. What about the Big East? Maybe they shouldn't have gotten all those bids. Or fucking Stanford. What's that shit about? (note: technically this rant should have come last week, but apparently I was short on time)

My friends. My friends made a big comeback this week. They're just lucky that it was my birthday that they would get ample opportunities to get back in my good graces.

Anti-Chief people. I'm done with you.

So that's all I've got for this week. Feel free to check out my shit at TVgasm, because I'm awesome. What other reason do you need?

Giddy like a school girl

What a great fucking week this was. I mean, sure, I had some really shitty days, like Tuesday and yesterday. And Wednesday wasn't that great either. But, this week is rounding out very nicely.

First, there was the premiere of South Park's new season on Wednesday night. I didn't really realize the true goodness of it until seeing it again. For a while I used to love South Park. It was still pretty early in the show, and I loved it more for it's outrageousness. I'm not really sure if all of the shows had some sort of current event relevance or whatnot. They were funny. But then I got tired of it. I didn't really watch it for like 2 years, and I actually kind of tried to avoid it. But then right around the fall season in 2003 was when I started watching again, and it was pretty fucking awesome. Since then I've watched every episode, and they're all great. And almost all are pretty poignant too. It's actually brilliant how they do it. So, yeah, fucking awesome. Of course I have to start watching Real World again, but that doesn't mean South Park won't be DVR'd.

But really, the thing that makes this entire week, regardless of what happened earlier in the week is 300 coming out today. There's not really much to say about it. It's going to be the fucking best movie of the year. I actually cannot imagine how much ass it is going to kick. It's well beyond my comprehension of ass kicking. And my comprehension of ass kicking is very, very extensive.

So, 300 pretty much sets the tone for the entire weekend. It will be a weekend for kicking ass. Obviously.

But on to this week's list:

Of note this week:

Technology. My AIM is still being pretty dumb. And now my iTunes is being stupid as well. Since I downloaded the update for iTunes, it won't ever minimize. Why not? Because it's stupid, that's why. So, technology, seriously, work this shit out. At this rate we don't have to worry about robots taking over the world for years because programmers can't figure out the "Minimize" command.

Work. Hey, work. Fuck you. I can't go see 300 until you're fucking over, so hurry the fuck up. Seriously.

Firewalls. I still can't go to TVgasm, which is complete bullshit. I could kill two birds with one stone if I could, because then I could edit my recaps and shit while at work with some downtime. But noooo. Fuck firewalls. And do they even know what TVgasm is? Bastards.

America. Seriously America. What is your fucking problem? Remember when I took you off the list last week because I didn't think any more people would go see the steaming piles of shit that you released to movie theaters last weekend (aside from, perhaps, Zodiac, which I would at least watch)? But you went and did it. You made Wild Hogs or whatever that movie was #1 in America. And I died inside. Seriously. I'm dying a little each week. Good thing I've got 300 to almost undoubtedly kick the shit out of the other movies.

Taxes. Guess what. I'm still not gonna pay you fuckers. State taxes are for bitches. I'm no bitch.

My friends. Now, you might be thinking to myself, why are my friends on notice? Well let me break it down for you. This past weekend, Streets and Bootz came down to see me. I welcomed them into my home on Saturday. While I was taking a shower, I heard rustling around in my room. I was thinking, hmm, they're probably going through my stuff. This can't be good. So I get out of the shower, and I see them with my clothes on. But, not just my clothes, but, like, layers of my clothes. They chose that opportunity to tread all over me. And they damn near made me lose my sexy. And they LIED about what they were going to do. But it's not just those two who are on notice. There are pictures, and everyone thinks they're HILARIOUS. But guess what. They're not. So, now I've got to return the favor to them. Which will be both creative and horrifying. And I'm excited about it. But, probably until then my friends will be on notice.

Anti-Chief people. You know what? I'm glad the whole thing has been resolved because now I don't have to listen to your un-informed babbling bullshit. Assholes.

Off this week:

Weater. You know what? It's changing, and it's not making me sick. And it's fucking 56 here today. 56 glorious degrees.

"Lost." Now that South Park is back on (and I'll be watching Real World) I don't have to watch this show and wonder at how nothing ever happens. The worst thing about it is that it has set the tone for shows like Heroes and shit. Just keep introducing new twists and turns, never resolving anything, never explaining anything. But, if you do explain something, make sure it's really bizarre. And hey, add new characters whenever. Whatever, I don't have to watch it.

I'll probably be back on Monday with a recap of 300, and probably some Illinois talk, and probably a lot on the brackets and whatnot. Oh God is this a fucking awesome time of the year.

Welcome to March bitches

It's finally March. As we all know, March is the most kickass bitchingest month you'll ever find. First, it's when the weather starts to warm up and unretard itself. Second, all of the greatest people in the history of forever have been born in March.

For example, Albert Einstein was born in March, as was Ghandi, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Martin Luther King, the guy who invented the Roomba, FDR, Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, that guy from that movie about the thing, and I'm pretty sure Jesus was too. You could get some great things accomplished with the people on that list. Especially the Roomba guy.

And a number of amazing things happened in March too. First there was the discovery of electricity by Thomas Edison, after it was first invented by Jesus, and then left for thousands of years, forgotten. Then you've got the development of the A-bomb, D-day, the first exploit to the moon, the signing of the Declaration of Independence.*

So, as you can see, March is The Shit. All the other months are little whiny bitches in comparison to March. And the fact that March follows the little wiener month February makes it all the better.

So don't fuck with March. Let's see the list for this week:

New this week:

Technology. Last night my AIM was all fucked up. I would send like 3 message, not even right in a row, and then I would get a message that I had been rate limited, so I would have to close AIM, then sign back on. It was a pain in my ass. I'm sick of technology treading all over me lately. So, once again, you're on notice!

Work. What's up 5-day work weeks? What, you think I don't have anything better to do than to work five whole days a week? Well you've got some nerve. And I do. I could be doing plenty. Like looking for a job I'd actually like. So, work, you're cramping my style. On notice!

Weather. Seriously weather, what the fuck is up. Middle of the week you're in the 50's, then on the weekends you go back to being shit. I'm sick of this shit. Warm the fuck up right now. Nobody cares about global warming when you're snowing and pissing everybody off, except they want it to hurry the fuck up and get here already. So, until you get your stupid fucking act together, you're on notice!

Taxes. Hey government. Fuck you! I got my taxes done the other day, and guess how much money I get back? 59 fucking dollars. Wow, I could go and buy a pair of shoes or something. Or pay a bill! I know, I know, I'm so lucky to get back so much fucking money. But guess how much it costs to have the state of Illinois fuck me over? $60! That's right. I fucking owe money on my taxes this year. What a giant load of bullshit is that. Am I in the tax bracket that means I get not only do I not get to keep any of the money I make, but the fucking government will take a little bit extra as well? I'm seriously considering not paying the state, because what's $60 to them. I already had to pay to register my fucking car for this year. That's more than $60. That shit should cancel out. So fuck you taxes. No, wait. Let me finish. Seriously, fuck you.

"Lost." Does anybody even like this show anymore? I mean, I can understand wanting to know how it's all going to work out, but the shit is so boring. You spend 50 minutes (or 44, whatever isn't commercials) of the episode being bored out of your mind, and then at the end something may or may not happen. It's a bunch of bullshit. Besides, there's no point in trying to guess at what's going on, because there's no fucking way you'll figure it out. Because the writers don't even know. I get the feeling that the show will end with someone waking up from a dream, or it will all be inside an autistic kid's imagination. That's the only way the fucking show makes sense.

Anti-Chief People. Fuck you. I'm over the Chief being retired. And if you're sick of the argument about the Chief, then that's fine, you unopinionated bitch. But, if you're against the Chief for what you feel is a valid reason, then you're absolutely fucking wrong.

What fell off:

Money. Oh, don't get me wrong. I absolutely don't have enough of this. I had to take my car in this week and I doubled over in pain when I saw the estimate. And that was just for a checkup! But I got to drive a BMW X3 for a day, so that was pretty sweet.

America. Again, don't get me wrong, I still have to destroy America. I expect people to be less stupid about movie choices in the future though. Well, I take that back, that Wild Hogs movie or whatever it is has got to be awful, and a lot of people might go and see it.

Being sick. I started feeling better on Saturday and my drinking for the evening wasn't impeded at all. So I only had to suffer through two days of work before feeling better. So being sick is off the radar for hopefully a long time.

"Popular TV." I absolutely can't stand Heroes. It's turning into Lost, and they're just going to keep adding and taking away characters, giving just enough backstory to confuse, then going back to the present, and I for one don't care. But Lost was more annoying this week.

So that's all I've got for this week. It's going to be another crazy weekend in central Illinois, and I'm probably not going to remember a lot of it. But I'll try. Kind of.

*Don't try to tell me I'm wrong by using "facts." You can use "facts" to prove anything.

So much to rant about

Like two weeks ago I was reading this AP article about people taking naps at work. Apparently, there was a study done with people who takes naps at work versus those who don't, and those who take naps were at a reduced risk of heart conditions.

Well, since returning from New Orleans, I've been extremely tired and just about every day at work I've been struggling to stay awake. But I can't take a nap. So I'm wondering: should I develop a heart condition, can I sue my employer because they're not allowing me to take a nap? Or should I just go ahead and take a nap, and then if they wake me, tell them what's up. I really think there's only one way to find out.

That's as good as I can do for an intro this week. Let's see who made the list:


New this week:

TECHNOLOGY. I was just working on this fucking thing for like half an hour, and I was almost done with it. I minimized the window so I could look back at what I had on the list last week and zap. Entire thing gone. Not saved at all. So, I don't know who's to blame for this? Is it my work computer for being a dumb outdated piece of shit? Is it Blogger for being a piece of shit? Is it Internet Explorer's fault for being a dumb bitch and outdated browser? I tend to think it's a little bit of all three. So, whoever's to blame for this shit, you're on notice!

Money. This week I found out that when my car goes in for "inspection" that it's going to cost out the ass. That sounds as painful as it is. I knew it wasn't going to be pleasant, but we're talking at least twice what I was expecting to pay. Guh. And I don't know if that takes into account any parts/labor that may be required. So, money, you're on notice because I don't have enough of you. Ever.

Weather. On Saturday when we left Chicago it was cold and snowing. When we got to New Orleans it was 62, but it there was a strong, cold wind blowing. Well, on Sunday it was only like 52, and the cold strong wind stuck around. Then on Monday we get back to Chicago and it's fucking 46 degrees and feels warmer than New Orleans. All of this changing climates is bullshit. It's going to make someone sick. Seriously weather, make up your mind. And you better fucking choose pleasantly warm. Or else...

America. America, you are one crazy bitch. Did anyone ever see any previews for Norbit? How could you not, it was a fucking sponsor of the Super Bowl. Well, I remember saying that if enough Americans were dumb enough to pay to see the movie that it would be the number one movie in its opening weekend, I would need to destroy America. Well, unfortunately, it happened. Seriously, how can this be allowed to happen?! Well, did anyone see previews for Ghost Rider? The first time I saw those previews, I said the exact same thing. Well, not the first time, but one of the first 8 times. So you can imagine my surprise when I came back home this weekend and saw that nearly 45 million people(!) paid to see that piece of predictable shit. So now I have to destroy America. Seriously, how to so many jackasses have enough money to pay to see these movies? And you're only making it worse by going to see them. I heard they just greenlighted Norbit 2: Eddie Murphy Dresses Like a Fat Woman Again and Norbit 3: Eddie Murphy Dresses Like 2 Fat Women, A Fat Man, and A Normal-Sized Woman. I also heard they're making Ghost Rider 2: The Exact Same Movie As the First with Slightly Different Characters. People who go see these movies should automatically not be allowed to vote. So, America, you're on notice, and unfortunately, I will have to destroy you.

Being sick. Hey, weather, remember when I said you'd make people sick? You fucking did it. You bitch. I feel like my sinuses are getting prepared for a flood, and that's not a pleasant thing. Luckily I'll try to drink all this shit away this weekend. But, you know, being sick is interrupting my plans of, you know, BREATHING REGULARLY.

"Popular" TV. I'm talking about Heroes, Studio 60, Lost and Grey's Anatomy. I don't like any of these shows, and on the first three NOTHING EVER HAPPENS. Also, Studio 60 is not funny in any way. It sounded like an interesting premise, but obviously there's not enough interesting shit happening behind the scenes of whatever that unfunny live show is. As far as Lost and Heroes, nothing ever happens. They'll promote something huge, and then you get there and you're like, oh, uh, that's the surprise. Huh. That's...uh...what the fuck?! It doesn't make it a great show when the writers can just throw in a curveball that will draw shit out for another 3 weeks, until there will be another promotion that leads to another let-down. It's a cycle of bullshit I'm against. As for the shitshow Grey's Anatomy, this week they tried promoting a cliffhanger: "Will Meredith die?" Yes, ABC, I'm that stupid that I think the STAR OF THE SHOW is going to die. I also need to be reminded to breathe, because if not I stop. I like fun things. Wheeeee. Uh, I got offtrack a little bit, but, uh, shit shows, you're on notice!

Off the list this week:

Jim Hendry. He managed to get Big Z to agree to a one-year deal for less than the middle-point in negotiations, and Z avoided arbitration. Although I'm pretty sure Z could have made more if he had gone to negotiations, but that's neither here nor there. Also, I feel good about our chances of tying up Zambrano long-term, so Hendry's off the radar for awhile.

Work. I still hate you, but when my I lost my blog, you got bumped. Expect to be back next week. Bitch.

Firewalls. Ditto. Minus the part about technology.

Kelvin Sampson. Ditto again fatty.

Cold. You better be on your way out. I wore sandals the other night, and that was fucking awesome. I like wearing sandals. So you best stay the fuck away. But, since you didn't piss me off as much as other things this week you're safe. For now...

Snow. You didn't keep me from anything this past weekend, and as far as I know, you'll never be back again. Ever. And I'm not naive in any way at all.

It's Mardi Gras Bitches!

Oh man do I have a lot to complain about this week. Like, I finished my recap for TVGasm on Monday night. I had all Sunday to do it, I was just much too lazy.

Anyways, I finished the recap, and I sent an email saying that I was done and it was ready to be published. Well, the email didn't send correctly. I was expecting to see the recap posted Monday night, but it wasn't posted until Wednesday.

Well, I enjoy looking at the comments to see what people have to say. The first recap that I did didn't get such a warm reception, as I was slightly unclear on the rules of the show, and also one dude just thought I was not funny.

Regardless, I think I do a pretty decent job on the recaps. So I saw that my recap was finally posted on Wednesday night, so I was just giving it a glance through to make sure there weren't too many typos or anything, and to look for one of the jokes I put in. I saw that I had a comment, so I checked it, and sure enough, it was the hater hating on me again. He's such a hater.

I mentioned looking up the word loquacious, mainly making fun of myself for not knowing it, and the dude just thought I was stupid. Now, I'd like to make a bunch of snarky remarks back and be really immature about it. Becasuse I am. I'm immature. But, I feel like that would be too easy. And it would be like when Jerry went to heckle that lady who heckled him while she was at work.

So, I don't respond at all. I'd like to even respond in the next recap, because at least I know one person reads it. But, whatever.

Anyways, with all of that off my chest, let's get to what's on notice this week: New this week:

Jim Hendry. He's back on the list. This may be unnecessary, but I really need him to extend Carlos Zambrano's contract. I need him to do me a solid. Now, the reason this may be unnecessary is because Zambrano was backtracking on what he said, saying he'd still negotiate with the Cubs if he didn't get a contract done by Opening Day, and he also said they were close to a 5-year extension. Still, get the deal done Jim.

Work. Not new this week. Seriously though, you're cramping my style. It's Friday, I want to leave, and I could have left after lunch, but nooo, I have to finish an experiment and then stop another one. Bullshit. Cramping my style work. You're on notice.

Firewalls. I guess the firewall has recently become relaxed more because I can now to go With Leather. TVGasm is still blocked though, stupid work bastards. And the other day a link I got from Craigslist was blocked. Make up your mind idiots.

Kelvin Sampson. You and those unoriginal inbreds at IU screwed the Illini out of a win Saturday. Well, you really just coached poorly (surprise!) and your crowd was full of jackassed yokels. So, for you it was just another game. At least it was evidence of your sucking though. That's always fun to see. You're on notice turd.

Cold. Now, you may be thinking I'm complaining about the cold outside. In a way, I am, because holy shit it's fucking cold out. I hate it. But, I came into work on Wednesday and it was 51 degrees in here. Outstanding. Nothing like being afraid of getting sick and then being stuck in 51 degrees all fucking day. Also, I worked until 7 on Wednesday. Fucking awesome. Then I come in on Thursay and it's 50 degrees inside. Fanfuckingtastic. Then, around 11 yesterday, this maintenance dude says he got it fixed and it should be warming up in here. It did a little, then it STOPPED. I come back in this morning and it's 54 degrees. So I've got 2 space heaters today, probably trying to prevent me from suing. Well, I'm not satisfied. You're on notice cold. Seriously, get the fuck out of here.

Snow. Cold and snow each get their own complaint this week. First, snow came on Tuesday and was a pain in my ass. Only about half of the people made it into work, and pretty much everybody left early. On Wednesday it was much better, but not everyone made it in to work again. Now this weekend we're flying to New Orleans. Mother fucking snow is threatening our flight time, and we have a connecting flight that we can't miss. Snow is even threatening my drive up to Chicago, and it's making my parking situation much more difficult. Fucking snow. You're on notice!

Anti-Chief People. I've pretty much said all that I need to say about this today. Fuck you anti-Chief people. You're as hate-filled as you think the Chief is. Pricks. You're on notice.

What fell off this week:

"Super" "Bowls." It's in the past, so I don't care anything about you bastards. Until I fall for the same trick next year.

Megabus. Until you start coming to Peoria (or I move to Chicago, or God forbid, one of the other shitstains of their destinations) I will dislike you. However, because you're doing nothing to cause my hatred of you this week, I will allow you off this list.

So have a good weekend everybody. I'll be back on Tuesday to divulge information about all of the drunken happenings this weekend at Mardi Gras. I hope there aren't too many uggos there.

Getting Pey'd bitches

Remember that dude who changed his name to Peyton Manning? That's probably the best thing to happen to him in a long time. He's managed to wring like 5 minutes (ok, maybe like 2 or 3) of fame out of that. And, aside from that, he actually had his trip paid for out of Decatur. I wish I got paid to leave Decatur when I lived there. Actually I did once. I had to go to this conference and I got paid for the mileage there and back. That was pretty sweet.

But, there are a number of reasons to get out of Decatur. First, there's the smell. Holy shit what a smell there is. I lived on the far side from ADM (the source of the smell) and there were days when it would start smelling by my apartment. I couldn't ever sleep with my windows open because I was worried about my place reeking of burning soybeans when I woke up. And then I'd never be able to get that damn smell out.

Then of course there's the crime. Oh, the crime. I would regularly turn on the news, of which there was no local station in Decatur (if I remember correctly), and see a story of a murder or something. I lived on a pretty safe end of Decatur. One day a state investigator asked me if I knew someone who used to live in my building (I did not know him).

These are just two of the reasons that getting out of Decatur, regardless of why, is awesome.

So, uh, with that, let's see who's made the list this week:

New to the list:

"Super" "Bowls." So this past week was the Super Bowl, right? Well, my dad told me that he got tickets to the Super Bowl and he asked me to go with him. So we're driving, and I'm thinking that we're headed to the airport. This was of course Sunday morning, but I decided to trust my dad anyways. So we're driving, and we pull into a parking lot in Peru, IL. The building says Super Bowl on it. It's a bowling alley. I doubt this is any sort of a chain of bowling alleys, but I'm sure a lot of clever assholes named their bowling alley this. Well, you bastards are on the list. Super Bowl my ass.

Snow. On Tuesday it snowed probably between 4-6 inches here. Peoria is grossly incapable of clearing snow away. It stopped snowing before 5 on Tuesday night, yet Wednesday when I drove to work, there was still like 2 inches of snow on the road. Just taking the night off people? Regardless, the snow should know to stay away. It was cute when you snowed 2 inches, but cut this bullshit out. You're on notice.

Megabus. I'm not exactly sure what this is, but Chicago is the hub and then it goes to a bunch of cities for relatively low prices or something. Now, it's bad enough that Amtrak doesn't go directly to Peoria, Megabus doesn't either. But, it does travel to a bunch of other major metropolises. Metropoli. Metropoles. Cities like Toledo. I can just imagine that bus being sold out day in, day out. So many people looking to leave the doldrums of Chicago to get back to that sweet center of the world, TOLEDO! Seriously? Toledo? Come on Megabus, you're better than that. You're on notice!

Falling off this week:

President Bush. Meh, out of sight out of mind. I seriously didn't ever hear anything about his visit to Peoria. I just hope at some point I can see it being mocked on national television in some manner.

Indianpolis Colts. We gave you a gift of a shitty football game. You didn't win it, the Bears lost it. And I blame conservative playcalling on all fronts.

This is our country commercial. I definitely still despise you, but since football season is over, I expect to see much, much less of you. Now I just have to deal with that fucking song for the rest of my life, including John Edwards's presidential campaign and the press tour for John Mellencamp. That bastard.

I'm in a hurry bitches

Not much time today. Let's get right to business.

New this week:

President Bush. I don't know if you know this or not, but Peoria is kind of a big deal. President Bush was here this week to promote economics or something. I heard absolutely nothing about his speech. However, twice I had to leave and come back. Well, once I had to. I was on my way back to work and there are 3 possible bridges I can cross. Well, all 3 bridges I could cross had been closed, even though only two of those bridges were especially close to where the King of the Free World was. So I had to go 20 minutes out of my way just so I could get back to fucking work. The President. Speaking about economy. Yet keeping me from work. You may be thinking, "20 minutes out of the way isn't that far. Quit bitching." Well you've got some nerve. And when it increased your trip by about 400%, that's a big deal. So fuck you Mr. President. Also, I should have written a post mocking him while he was a mere half mile away. That's probably as close as I ever get to him, unless he presides over my execution at some point in the future. But I digress. So for keeping me from work, the President makes the list this week.

Cold. Winter has been replaced just by frigid fucking cold. The high is about 7, the wind chill is about -10. Why the fuck did I choose to not just move to Florida or something? I absolutely despise cold. And it's at least going to last all fucking weekend. So fuck you cold. You think I can't handle this? I can. But just because I can doesn't mean I want to. So you suck cold. Get the fuck out of here. You're on notice!

In the interest of time, I'm going to skip what fell off the list. And more explanations. Just go back and read last week's if you care to. Next week I should remember and not be an idiot about doing this though.

You're on notice bitches (if you're on this list)

I used to be really busy. Seriously. I had no time whatsoever to do a lot of the things I used to enjoy, like watching TV. I wouldn't know what I was doing any given weekend until Thursday or possibly even Friday. That pretty much changed when I became single living in Peoria. I had all kinds of free time. Especially over the summer, my life began revolving around TV. It happened gradually, so I didn't really notice it. It started with Thursday nights too. Watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia was the most important thing of the the week. More important than work.

Well, anyways, as I was sitting on Monday night, working on my recap for a show that's on on Sunday nights, I was realizing: I don't have as much free time any more. It's amazing how one or two responsibilities took so much of my time away.

So from here on out, I'm shirking all responsibilities. My baby mamas are not going to like that.

Speaking of not liking that, let's find out who's on notice this week:

Additions to the list this week:

Yahoo Mail. For some reason Yahoo, excuse me, Yahoo! Mail has been acting completely stupid since Wednesday. Since I do most of my work through Yahoo Mail, you can imagine how difficult it makes my job. Ok, so maybe I don't use it for work email, but I am on it a lot throughout the day, and it basically makes web navigation impossible. 'Why, I have new mail? Why let's check out the inbox and see who it's from. Uh, come on you slow piece of shit. Ok, cancel that. Let me go to another page. Oh, that's not gonna work either? Outstanding.' Fuck you Yahoo Mail. Get that shit worked out. Until then, you're on notice!

Kelvin Sampson. No, this isn't an addition. But we beat his brains out. While that's also not entirely accurate, he did lose, and the Orange Krush got a bunch of quality chants in. Fuck you Sampson. Go back to your underachieving Oklahoma program and your NCAA recruiting sanctions.

Firewalls! So I was doing my normal web-surfing during some downtime on Wednesday morning (I think) and I made my way to TVGasm. Then I went back, closer to 11 or so, and sure enough, it's now blocked. This is great, because now that I, you know, write something for the site I can't even get to it while I'm at work. Not only that, I can't go to a number of other sites. For a while, it was impossible to check Myspace profiles, but I could go to my homepage. That has since been unblocked. I can't to go With Leather any more either. WHICH IS A SPORTS BLOG. So, thanks to people using clever domain names, I get screwed out of going to them because the company I work for is run by a bunch of Ebays, Intertube hating jackasses. So firewalls, Fuck. You. You're on notice.

Indianapolis Colts. So now you're taking on the Bears in the Super Bowl. Apparently your quarterback isn't the choke artist that he's been in the past, which is good for him. Also, you're 7-point favorites, which I'm totally cool with. You're more than welcome to be the favorite because the Bears do much better when they're not expected to win. Just as the Saints. You think you're going to be able to play that well when you're not in the RCA Dome and your fans aren't going to be able to control the noise level? Fat. Chance. Also, I don't care what you think, but our coach was the first African-American coach in the Super Bowl. Who cares if Tony Dungy is a copycat?

Off the list:

Money. I still don't have enough of it, but Yahoo Mail was making me way more angry this week.

Winter. It was only supposed to be like 29 here today and it was 44 when I came back from lunch. So you get a temporary reprieve winter. I'm still keeping an eye on you though.

Bill O'Reilly. Apparently he had a body language expert on his show to discuss his appearance on the Colbert Report. I guess I don't really have a joke or anything for this. But anybody who buys into body language experts is not worthy of being on notice. They're too simple.

Should I be alarmed that I have no semblance of a life?

On Saturday while in Chicago I decided to check my e-mail. I actually received some awesome news. I guess, I'll backtrack a little bit. I'm an avid reader of TVgasm.com, and I've always thought that it would be something awesome to do if given the chance. Well, they've had some people move on and they're recapping a lot more shows now, so they have been looking for new writers. I recapped an episode of Top Chef 2, but apparently I sounded pretty angry. And for good reason, that Marisa was a bitch.

But anyways, I wrote a submission for I love New York, since I didn't know if they would have anyone recapping it, and, hell, I've got some free time. So I submitted it, and unfortunately they already had a writer for it. One of the moderators must have liked it enough though, because they asked if i watched Surreal Life Fame Games. I said I'd caught part of the first episode, but I wasn't watching it very closely. However, if they wanted me to recap it, I said I'd give it a shot. And they posted it on the site. So now I'm a part-time guest-blogger for something that actually receives a lot of hits. But it's for a show that not many people watch. Not bad beginning though.


So, I'm not really sure how to tie this together. But, uh, let's go to the board!





What's new this week:

Money. I want it, I need it, I never have enough of it. You're on notice because I now worship you more than I worship the image of myself in the mirror. Or perhaps pictures of myself on other people's camera. But that's what you get for giving me your camera. What was I saying? Oh yeah, money! Stop ruling my life! Oh, who am I kidding, I could never be mad at you. But you're on notice!

People. I despise people. Everyone really. From your douchey toolbag to your vapid girl to pretty much everyone else you can think of. Drivers, people in grocery stores, all of them. This explanation doesn't do anywhere near enough justice for the loathing of people that I feel. Just know that it's a lot, and hope that it isn't you. But it most likely is*. So people, you're on notice!

Bill O'Reilly. This dude is fucking brilliant. And I say that in an truly objective way. He's obviously not very smart, as he's a conservative Republican. But he has his own show on Fox News. And HE IS NEVER WRONG. If you didn't know, and how could you not, O'Reilly appeared on Colbert's show and vice versa. And last night was the first time I'd ever seen O'Reilly's show. I couldn't believe it. He seriously is never wrong. He presents his opinion in such an unobjective way. It's his way or nothing. But then he has the ability, if someone calls him out on it, to complete alter his meanings. You can never catch him off-guard because he is fully prepared to reneg on what he meant to say. It was literally sheer brilliance watching his show. I mean, he's a pompous dick who is a know-it-all conservative, but I'll be damned if it wasn't something unbelievable to watch. That being said, he continued to take a couple of shots at Jon Stewart, and he pointed out, twice I believe, that he gets better ratings than both Daily Show and Colbert Report. What he didn't point out, however, is that he's also on THREE HOURS EARLIER in primetime. He is a master of his never-wrong craft, and for that, he's on notice. But he's also on notice for being such an arrogant prick in general.

Who fell off:

David Beckham. Take your money and your amazing good looks that are constantly forcing me to fantasize about you and get out of my sight already. You're old news. And I love you. And if it's wrong for a straight man to love you then I don't want to be right.

Poodle Lady. That shit just isn't right, but it's been out of my sight all week. She's still on the monitor though.

Bruce Weber Haters. You're also still on the monitor, but losing that game that should have been won at MSU doesn't help my case at all. Until the team plays 2 full halves, I've really got nothing.

*isn't

It's the weekends Bitches; you know what that means

Today I got a free lunch thanks to a salesman. We went out to Buffalo Wild Wings and I ate so much Hot BBQ sauce. I don't even really like BBQ sauce. I just love hot. It was totally worth it too. I used to go out for lunch every Friday at my old job, and this is only the second free lunch I've had in over a year at this job. I made sure to get all I could out of it. By the end of the meal I couldn't even feel my tongue and I loved every second of it.

Free lunch is the shit.

That being said, it's time to see who's on notice this week:

Changes to the list this week:

David Beckham. Screw you. If I could make $50 million in one year, there is no way I'd want to turn it down. And come on, Europe? I mean, yeah, it's awesome to have a house over there and whatnot, but everybody knows America's where it's at. So first, you're on notice for not being here sooner. And then you're on notice for making so much money. I wish I got paid that much to LEAVE the U.S. Of course I'd do it. And then they'd obviously pay to bring me back as well. In addition, fuck you for being so damn attractive. Does that make me gay? If being in love with a man and wanting him to hold me while I look into his gorgeous eyes, then go a head Mr./Ms. Judgmental and call me gay. Posh Spice is f'ing hot too. Why does he rub his perfect life (minus the World Cup failures) in my face. Yeah, HA! I've never failed in the World Cup. Now whose life is better? (Still his) You're on notice Beckham!

Winter. I was totally planning on going to Chicago this weekend, for the three day weekend. First I found out that the weather might be bad, so I decided to take the train. Now I'm worried that the weather may be so bad that the train schedules could be fucked up (or dare I say cancelled again). So fuck you winter. You should be above 32 at all times, and if you aren't, you definitely shouldn't be spitting shit from the sky. You're on notice.

Bruce Weber Haters. Uh, thanks to Deadspin, I more than doubled the amount of visitors to this site in the previous, oh, 4 months or so, in ONE DAY. So I feel like this week's list should include some sort of reference to that post. And that's fucking awesome. But, aside from that, I really am sick of all the naysayers that are naysaying Bruce Weber. Obviously. So you're all on notice.

Poodle Lady. While I don't really have any reason to put her on here because she's not necessarily doing any sort of harm to anything I believe in, I feel like she absolutely deserves to be on notice. I mean, come on. No normal person does that. And I will be diligent in my suspicion of her, so Crazy Psycho Lady Who Loves Poodle Exercise, you're on notice!

Finally, one note. Fuck you Penny Dreadful. You will be on this list possibly for eternity because you sucked so incredibly badly. Deal with it.