Notes from a meeting

In high school I would occasionally pass the time writing myself little "Note to self's" a la Norm MacDonald. Because I was falling asleep in my meeting today, I decided to pass the time doing so. It was a great flash from the past:

Note to self - No lunch and 5 hours of sleep and 2 hour meetings make me very tired. Only 30 minutes in, out of ideas (almost) for staying awake.

Note to self - Time seems to be mocking me. It's making glaciers look like cheetahs. I'll get the last laugh time. I've developed a method of time travel. And it's so easy. All you need are copious amounts of alcohol. Patent Pending.

Note to self - How many times can I hear the word robust this week? Apparently never enough. (note: I heard it like 14 more times from that point on)

Note to self - We need to get through 200 slides in 2 hours. 40 miutes in and we're throughn 32. Looks like we'll be having another meeting next week. (I didn't try to make them all funny)

Note to self - Watch was a wise investment. However, trying to stay awake by seeing if you can count to 60 seconds in exactly a minute may not be so smart. You may start to nod off around 40, thus losing count.

Note to self - Stomach is eating itself. I wish I'd had time for lunch before this meeting. I bet a beer would help. I'll shotgun one over lunch.

Note to self - Just remembered in high school my chemistry teacher said I looked like a drowned rat. I guess sshe would have rather had me not shower after P.E. Go back and punch her in the back of the head for making me hate showering.

Note to self - Bathroom smelled like burnt hair and dirty diapers. I noticed those sanitary seat cover despensers over the toilet and realized I was in the WOMEN'S BATHROOM. Not really, but wouldn't that have been crazy? (It really smelled that horrible though.)

Note to self - Picture of robot in presentation was very Asian looking, and when I say very I mean the stereotypical Asian man with glasses and buckteeth. I'm offended. Actually, I'm not. I love stereotypes. Such a time-saver.

You know the bane

Ok, an abbreviated part 3:

People who take themselves way too seriously. Come on, seriously chill out people. There is absolutely no reason to take yourself seriously, especially all the time. I mean, if your job requires it that's one thing. But give everybody a break once in a while and chill out. I don't take myself seriously; in fact, I have a hard time doing it at all.

People who accuse me of being an alcoholic. Ok, just because I enjoy a drink every now and then doesn't make me an alcoholic. And just because whenever I do enjoy a drink (usually at least 4 nights a week) I usually lose track of how many/what I drink and definitely things I say and do doesn't make me an alcohoic. It makes me a better person. In fact, you should emulate me. In addition, I have a ton of fun when I drink. And occasionally I'm entertaining, so I'm doing everyone a favor. Very similar to Mother Teresa, yet w/ alcohol.

People who judge me. Listen up: I do the judging around here. That being said, feel free to judge me. Because I don't take myself seriously I'm ok with it. Hell, I encourage it. Just don't tread on me.

I think that's about all I've got. There may be one or two more, but I'll probably just leave those out and add them to some other rant I make.

Bane of my existence...

Ok, I've decided to write a part 2. I finally read part one last night, probably a good 6 hours after writing it (and slightly drunk) so I'll try to make it a little more coherent. But I lost a lot of sleep thinking of people I hate, and I'm going to try to not get so angry as I'm writing it.

I forgot what number we left off on.

Vapid people. There is probably nothing worse than talking to someone, and as soon as you realize it was a mistake, you sort of go into a little coma. You look like you're paying attention, but you're unconscious. And then when you come to, you realize that you're about 40% dumber after that conversation. It's like they feed off of any sort of intelligence and suck it out of you, then regurgitate it back in some sort of senseless, pointless assault on the English language. For examples of these, look at most people on any sort of girly MTV show. Which brings me to the next group:

People on MTV. Anyone. From the hosts, to anyone on any of the shows, to the 'news crew', even to the celebrities. It's like MTV is one big vapid girl.

First, the hosts. Carson Daly was a massive tool, and basically anyone who hosts anything on the show is just a product of MTV. And it's a shitty product. They just repeat what they're told to, but I'll be damned if it isn't intensely boring and somehow makes me hate them even more.

People on the shows. As I said before, Laguna Beach is one of the worst creations in the history of humanity. Mainly because everyone on the shows is so out of touch with reality is why I hate the people. Also, look at the people on the Real World. I hate them. And not just because I wasn't ever asked to be on the show (so what if I didn't actually send in a tape? We do it on my terms MTV, or not at all. I guess they chose not at all) and now I'm nearly too old to be on (which I just realized last night, and it's devastating). They're just so so stupid.

The people who do MTV news. Uh, excuse me Kurt Loder, I wouldn't call this news. I would call it shit that only idiots want to hear about. Great hard-hitting interviews. And I don't mean to signle out Kurt Loder, but his is the only name I remember and can spell (looking at you Suchin).

The celebrities. Oh, the celebrities. I remember watching the New Year's Eve special going into 2002, and it was possibly the most annoying thing I've ever seen. Jamie Pressley was hosting along with the massive toolbag Daly and I hope she was wasted. Basically, all she did was repeat what Massive Toolbag said, then screamed. Also, can we please overexpose these celebrities? I don't just want to know what their houses look like, or what their cars look like, but I want to know where they go to eat, and where they do their grocery shopping. I want to be a celebrity. Or I at least want to convince myself I can live like one, and maybe watch one at some point.

I hate MTV.

Tools. You know the tools I'm talking about. They may also be called douchebags, or turds, or jackasses. It's the dudes who wear pink shirts, visors, or buy into the trends. I was eating lunch with my parents one day in June I think, and in walked a group of high school dudes, and I swear all 5 of them were wearing some form of pink shirt. I'm so nervous for the future of this country if dudes are voluntarily wearing pink shirts. You may be saying, high school dudes don't know any better. Well, that's no excuse. But it's even worse when college dudes do it. And anyone who pops their collar, regardless of the color of their shirt, should be dragged behind a bus while driving through a patch of rosebushes. You put your collar down jackass.

Immature people. I'm not talking poop jokes immature, I'm talking immature about dealing with people. Uh, if you're a grown person, the best way to win a fight (that you should have avoided anyway you immature piece of shit) is probably not to walk away andpout. You'll see a lot of these people on MTV too.

Another thing I hate is when people say they're going to hold a grudge and they never do. It's like, come on, stick to your guns. Either don't overreact, or actually do it, because the whole temper tantrum thing is played out.

I'm sort of done with this list, although I'm pretty positive there are many more that I'll be able to think of. I just need to make notes! Stay tuned in case there's a part 3.

The bane of my existence

People. I hate people so much. Now I'm not one of those shut-in, hates to be social kind of people who hates everyone who doesn't have the exactly same interests in bug histology and dungeons and dragons. No, I'm one of those people who's really easy-going, loves sports, funny and smart stuff (including people getting hit in the groin), and of course I love drinking. So I would assume it's fairly easy for me to get along with people. But there are so many people I hate. Mainly, people in general. So here is some poorly organized list of why.

1.) Impatient people. I used to be a cashier at Target. And you cannot imagine how much I hated it. Dealing with people just makes me shudder. I just did it senior year of college so I could afford to go out and get shitcanned on weekends though. And, as luck would have it, I had Fridays and Saturday nights off. Of course I went to work very hungover many Saturday mornings, but this has been a giant digression.

I was very quick about doing my job. I know how much people hate waiting in line and whatnot, so I was fast. However, there was very little small talk. I would say hi, fake a smile occasionally, then go about my business. I really enjoyed when people would complain about how long I was taking, and then I would have to wait for THEM to write a check, sign their name, whatever. And they never noticed that they needed to do something. And if I interrupted their conversation I was rude. Also, rather than argue with them over prices, I just changed the price to whatever they said they 'saw'. "Oh, you found these sheets in the dollar section with no other sheets? Well hell, they're a dollar then. LEAVE!" My favorite thing about these fuckers was when they would check the receipt. Now, occasionally I scanned something twice, but I noticed immediately and took it off (I was fucking good). Still, they would look at the price. Apparently people don't understand sales tax. This also falls into the stupid people I hate. You're in a hurry, but you still want to make sure to not pay an extra 43 cents. Get out of my face.

a.) Subgroup: Because I hated everything about that job except getting paid for basically nothing, I pretty much remember everything I hated about it vividly. So allow me to bitch for a second. I promise this won't all be about Target customers. One person told me I need to go back to bagging school. I very nearly stabbed her in the jaw. "Oh, you're right. Why don't you get back here and bag your own shit bitch. While you're at it, just stay for the rest of the day and bag the rest of my shit while I get paid for it." Did I say I hated that job?

2.) Stupid people. There's not a whole lot I can say here. Pretty much everyone is stupid. I'll try to elaborate a little though. I love the people who will continuously harass someone for being, say, selfish or inconsiderate, and then they turn around and do THE EXACT SAME THING. Then, when confronted about it, they get all defensive because of how immature it is that you're pointing that out. I hate stupid people so much I'm about to rip out my hair just thinking about it, and I'm by myself at work!

3.) Drivers. Why is it that no one can drive? Last week I was cut off by this dude trying to make a left turn from the lane next to me, where I was in the left turn lane. His lane was not a left turn lane. But there he went, turning left. Ok, I guess I can see it if it was a mistake or he had no idea where he was going or whatever. Then we get to the next stoplight, where there are 2 left turn lanes. Well, he refused to get in either one, and instead created his own left turn lane! Are you kidding me?? I thought about following him and bashing his head into the curb, but I had to get back to work.

I also love when people cut me off to drive 10 mph slower than the speed limit. And then I check my rearview mirror to see no one behind me. You know what? Thanks for cutting me off. I'm sure all of the invisible drivers behind me are glad that you didn't get into an invisible accident by waiting for an opening to pull into traffic.

This may have been a terrible idea. My eyes are about to explode out of my head.

4.) People who demand respect. Let me clarify this a little bit, it's one thing to deserve respect based on your actions. It's another thing to continually demand respect from other people you continue to belittle for absolutely no reason. Oh, you're right, please, walk all over me, I'll respect you for it. How dare I stand up to you? I'm way out of line. I respect you for being a giant hate-filled bitch and I do not want to make a necklace out of your teeth.

I've gotta take a break or I literally will have a heart attack. I may or may not add to this list at a later point. But it won't be good for my blood pressure if I do, so I hope everyone appreciates the risk I'm putting myself at.

Getting a head start on next season

The 2006 Cubs season hasn't officially come to a close yet, even though the Cubs are most likely to forfeit the three games they have left this season. Actually, I take that back, Zambrano pitches Friday, so they'll most likely win that one. But anyways, It's just good to see that they're already getting a head start on next season.

On chicagosports.com today, in the notes section is says that the Cubs may bring in Tony Graffanino for next season as a utilityman. I've got to say, I could not be more excited. If there's anything that history has shown us, it's that winning baseball teams are built around light hitting utility players, so you might as well make them your top priority. Take, Neifi Perez. Please (rimshot). He was solely responsible for getting the Cubs into the playoffs the last two seasons and helping them to win the team with the most average utility players award for 2 consecutive seasons, in addition to winning this World Series. What's that? They haven't been in the playoffs, there's no such reward as having most utility players, and they didn't win the World Series?

Well, I think it's obvious what this means. History is a lying bitch. Jim Hendry couldn't possibly wrong. In fact, he's so not wrong, he's going to continue bringing in as many utility players as possible to prove it.

In all seriousness, who do we have for the team next year? Izturis, Cedeno, Freddie Bynum, Ryan Theriot. Four f'ing players under contract for next season, and three of them can play 3rd, SS and 2nd (I've yet to see Bynum play anything defensively, as he's terrible). Why would you need to bring in Graffanino? Just so you can bring in some light hitting dude to replace another dude who's younger, quicker and possibly just as light hitting?

Also, I'm not so convinced that Hendry will be back next year. He probably shouldn't be pondering moves he'll make as soon as contracts are up until he gets a guarantee he'll be around. So he really shouldn't be pondering moves he'll make.

On another, more Dusty hating note, I caught part of the game last night. Of course, a young pitcher, average at best, was shutting the Cubs down. Well, I saw Matt Murton hit a leadoff triple in the 6th. Then I saw John Mabry come up.

You know Dusty Baker tries to not look at stats, so his mind doesn't get clouded with his gut feelings about who he should play. So, he must not have any idea how John Mabry is hitting. Mabry only plays against right handed pitchers, since he's a lefty. And he's still only hitting .206. For shit's sake, let somebody young play who at least has a chance to improve themself, rather than some old dude who's well past his prime. And when I say well past, I mean he's about 6 years past his prime and probably shouldn't be in baseball any more.

Well, needless to say, the Cubs didn't score a run. Of course, out of rage, I stopped watching the game as soon as Mabry came up to bat. I went into a seizure when I realized how self-contradictory and all around stupid Dusty Baker is, and when I came to I'd changed the channel. I accidentally switched back to see no run scored, and managed to avoid a second seizure. But then I saw that Blanco missed a suicide squeeze sign, thus causing the runner to be out.

How could he miss the sign? My guess is because he's never seen it before in his life, he was so confused he didn't think it was a real sign. Dusty never does anything like that. Also, all you need iss a fucking fly ball, why would you suicide squeeze with a fucking catcher up?

3 more games, 3 more games, 3 more games...

How to make a scary movie

So there's this genre of movie out there that a lot of people don't like. It's not like people have seen one and then decided it wasn't to their liking. A lot of people have never seen one. Or, they've seen a movie that has made a mockery of the entire genre, and made their decision based on that. I'm talking of course about scary movies. And not piddly little 'supposed to be scary' movies like Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which wasn't really scary but was at least fairly gorey. Anyways, I've decided to make a list of things necessary for a really scary movie. And when I mean a really scary movie, I don't mean The Ring. I mean scary. Possible slight spoilers ahead.

1.) Lots of darkness. Probably the two scariest movies I've seen are The Grudge and The Descent. And no, a scary movie doesn't need to have 'The' in the title. Anyways, there is a lot of darkness in these movies. The Descent takes place in a freaking cave. However, if a movie is just dark, that's not enough. Take Dark Water, a movie I hoped would be scary. It was just stupid. And there was a lot of darkness in it. Also, personally, I think a movie is even scarier if you can make it scary while it's still light out. Like in the Grudge when SMG sees the reflection of the creepy ghost lady in the bus window. It's great because you feel less safe even though it's light.

2.) Some semblance of a plot. This is where Dark Water missed the mark. The story just blew. But in the Descent, they were in a cave, trying to get out. Really this one is pretty general. It's not too hard to have any semblance of a plot in a scary movie. And the plot could be the dumbest thing you've ever heard and you could still have a pretty scary movie. If it's scary enough, it doesn't matter what the plot is. But if it's not scary enough, the plot can make you hate it.

3.) Someone dies at the beginning. You absolutely need a death in the first scene of the movie. That usually sets the tone for the rest of the movie, either learning about that death, dealing with that death, whatever.

4.) More than one scary thing. Now, I'll say at this point, The Ring was a fairly scary movie. I'll get to why I didn't think it was scary in a second. But when I say more than one scary thing, I mean you need to have things jumping out so you jump when you see it, you need to be creeped out of your pants at other parts, and you need to be grossed out. If you aren't creeped out of your pants then it's just not as fun. It should be psychologically scary as much as it is physically scary. If craziness enters into the mix, it's even better.

5.) A reasonably scary monster/thing to kill. Sweet crap this is where the Descent excelled. You need to have something that's gross, but not so gross that it just looks stupid. It has to gross the hell out of you so much that you are uncomfortable about the prospect of seeing it again. But if it looks too gross, then you'll just be like 'well that's dumb' or you'll laugh. I would say Pizza the Hut was gross, but laughably so. Also, Spaceballs wasn't scary, so maybe that's a good gauge for how gross to make a monster. In addition, this thing isn't quite human. Maybe it can talk like a human, or if it resembles a human, it's even better. But it's just not entirely human.

6.) The monster/thing to kill doesn't just look gross, but it does gross/scary things. This is where I thought The Ring really turned from a scary movie into a 'why did I think that was scary?' movie. In the end, you can't be questioning the outcome of your encounters with the monster thing. In The Ring the girl comes out of the TV, not really scary. In The Grudge, the girl coming down the stairs looks so freaking creepy, the way she's moving awkwardly, her eyes, that noise. Speaking of the noise, in The Descent the albino human monster things made kind of a similar noise. Such a creepy noise. But I digress. Anyways, in The Grudge, she makes that noise, but then she crawls up, looks in your eyes, and then you never see what happens. That's another part where the Ring missed the mark. It would have been scarier if they'd left whatever happened up to interpretation instead of trying to tie all the loose ends up.

7.) Have scary things happen in places that would normally be considered safe. For instance, daylight. Or, another example, also in the Grudge, in bed. You're not supposed to die in your own bed. It's best to never feel safe.

8.) No fucking happy endings. At first, I didn't like the ending in The Grudge because it didn't tie everything together. Then I liked it the more I thought about it, because it was so creepy. Then I saw the Descent and I loved how it ended. And really, happy endings are for chick flicks or comedies. Another movie I wouldn't really consider scary, but was fairly disturbing was Silent Hill. If you can leave me feeling unsure about myself and pretty disturbed about what I just witnessed, you've got a winner.

It should be pointed out that this is just for the Horror (I guess) type of movies, not slasher or thriller or any of those 'scary' movies. Also, The Descent was a fucking awesome movie. I can't wait for Grudge 2 or Grudge 3 (there better be a Grudge 3, they're making Ju-On 3). And dare I wish for a The Descent 2?

Do I look retarded?

I'll admit it, I try not to be too serious about anything. But I really have a real problem with the way Republicans are doing things right now. Which leads me to ask, do I look like I'm retarded? Also, does the rest of America look retarded? (Sidenote: I may look retarded, and I also may be retarded, but I still get what's going on, kind of.)

I love how they're trying to spin the Iraq war. First, all of this posturing bullshit with mid-term elections coming up is really annoying. Personally I think the Bill Clinton tirade was part of that, and if not that was the most well-timed rant I've ever heard.

1.) Is it a fluke gas prices are dropping? I don't see why oil prices couldn't have dropped months ago. Also, why are oil prices dropping when it was announced a few months ago that one of the Alaskan pipelines (or the pipeline, I can't remember how it was described and I have no knowledge of the Alaskan oil system) had to be shut down due to corrosion in the lines. Prices didn't really change after that was announced, aside from maybe a slight increase. So, with Iran still threatening, how is it possible that gas just drops $.80? Also I heard a report that gas could be up to $4 in the spring. Somehow it doesn't surprise me, especially if this is all posturing.

2.) I hate Fox News so fucking much. Clinton goes on this rant about wanting to go after Al Qaeda (I'm pretty sure that's the first time I've ever typed that in my life, just to show you how seriously I take myself) but the CIA and FBI wouldn't let him (I'm so getting my phone tapped after this). First, I'm surprised Fox News even aired it, because it talked about Bush so poorly. But, seeing them tear Clinton apart because of how he looked crazy or something made me realize why they did it. So, as pointed out on Daily Show, rather than do any sort of investigative reporting, or looking at "facts" whatever those are, they just mocked Clinton's rant. Great work Fox news.

3.) Leeza Rice (that's how I apparently choose to refer to her, as I know how to spell that) comes out today and says that what the Bush administration did between his inauguration and 9/11 was just as aggressive as Clinton, if not more. Of course, that's not a lie at all. We were just as aggressive, but we chose to ignore all documented warnings. I'm sure the bi-partisan 9/11 commission report was a lie. We should just trust what goes on behind closed right wing doors, because they know what's best for us. And by us, I mean ridiculously rich people.

I'm not saying I loved Clinton or whatever, because I didn't. But, between he, who only lied about his private encounters with interns, or Bush, who lies about basically everything, I think I know who I'd choose.

4.) More posturing bullshit: Bush apparently now is sick of the 'speculation' about the war in Iraq actually helping in the war on terror, so he's declassifying information to end speculation. Let's see, what year did the war start? 2003? So, assuming these documents actually do exist and will clear things up, why are we supposed to believe these were kept classified? Well, I take that back. I remember when the bank account monitoring came out, which was supposedly classified, and that only came out because it worked, and the Bush regime was angry. Maybe they wanted to keep it classified until mid-term elections.

I find it very hard to believe that it took over 3 years for Bush to want to quell speculation about this war really helping the fight against terrorism. And it's really stupid to expect people to believe that there are no ulterior motives behind it.

Rumsfeld: Hey, Mr., uh, President, mid-terms are coming up, think we should do anything about it?

Bush: Talk to Cheney

Cheney: Let's scare the shit out of those stupid bastards. It worked in 2004!

Rumsfeld: Good talk.

Eh. I've grown tired of ranting about this. I at least hope I've made some sort of point though. And if not, I blame you for not getting it.

Recipes for a good TV comedy

Now that the new season of TV has started and/or is starting this week, I thought I'd go through a little rundown of what I consider the top requirements for a show to be funny. This is mainly for the sitcom variety, because they're supposed to be funny, yet they rarely are. So let's get started.

1.) This is absolutely the most important. No fucking live audience. And no laugh tracks either. Sure it works occasionally (like Seinfeld), but lately it seems like laugh tracks are just added, as no one can tell me they watch 2 1/2 men on CBS and laugh. And if you can tell me that, you are either mentally handicapable or you're a dirty dirty liar. And possibly both.

Arrested Development, Scrubs, The Office, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Of these four shows, they all have many things in common. Three of them are great (with Scrubs being on the verge of great in my opinion), and none of them uses a stupid laugh track or live audience. People aren't stupid. If you write the show well, they'll laugh regardless of you letting them know if it's ok to laugh or not. Even that one show on Fox that I thought got picked up for another season, The Loop (I think that's its name) didn't have a laugh track and I respected it.

That's really all I have. No fucking stupid laugh tracks.

Ok, I'm lying.

2.) Swearing. I don't care if it's bleeped out or not, but I enjoy the use of curse words in my sitcoms. It gives it more of a real feel. Like writers didn't spend 3 hours coming up for a way to express anger in the most censor-friendly way possible.

In Always Sunny they say shit, which I think is awesome. But in shows like The Office or Arrested Development, they bleep out the explitives, which I'm fine with, because they do it intentionally. I'm especially reminded of a certain scene in Arrested Development where Gob goes on a tangent about what is and is not allowed at the Bluth Christmas Party and what he will do if someone flirts with Lindsay. If you haven't seen it, I suggest you get a life. Loser.

Let's see, what else.

3.) Shows that seem to work well are those that have a semi-sort of documentary feel about them. Obviously The Office uses this, and Arrested Development. But if you do it in sort of the mockumentary format, you really can't go wrong. Of course, this isn't really a requirement and I'm starting to run out of things to add.

4.) Other things that help are having the right cast and very smart writers. Steve Carrell is a genius, as was Ricky Gervais. And Will Arnett was the perfect person to play Gob, and David Cross was the perfect Tobias. Even Dr. Kelso on Scrubs is great.

5.) Realistic characters are great also. This is more just for The Office and Always Sunny. But everybody knows people like Michael Scott who think they're really smart and really they're just ignorant. Just like everybody knows a Charlie who is illiterate and pretty dumb and treaded all over by everyone.

So in conclusion, it's possible to have a funny sitcom without these requirements, but it's most likely impossible.

Another coach I hate

Great night in baseball last night. I actually had no idea the Cubs played because they haven't been on Comcast or WGN during the week since the beginning of last week. Or maybe they have and I just don't care. But they're not on again tonight, I know this. Anyways, as this abomination of a season comes to a close, it's time for me to get in my last shots (during the season) about why I hate so much about what Jim Hendry and Co. chose the Cubs to be this year.

Larry fucking Rothschild. When he first came to Chicago, I was like, you know, he was pitching coach of a team that won the World Series. I thought he'd be good. Damn I was wrong. The first year (2002 I think), he was horrible. Then came 2003. We were ridiculously good, mainly because of all of the talent that we had. And he had nothing to do with that talent, aside from having dudes practice pithcing towels.

This team has been great with getting strikeouts. You know what else can happen when you get a lot of strikeouts? You give up a lot of walks. The Cubs are close to setting the team record for walks given up in a season. Also you get high pitch counts. You know what doesn't go along with high pitch counts? Arm problems. Nope. No way. You think repeated stress on a young guy's arm hurts, and you know nothing of baseball. And the 6 (at least) pitchers who have been or are on the D.L. this year due to arm problems are proof of nothing.

So Rothschild was asked yesterday about whether he'd be back next year. He said that was to be determined after the season, he was just concerned about the next 6 games, getting the young guys better. This came as a shock to me. Rothschild hasn't been concerned all year about getting the young guys better.

Consider Rich Hill. He got better thanks to nothing from Rothschild. Rothschild said he couldn't help Hill. Yet Hill is the ONLY young pitcher on the staff who has shown that he deserves to be in the rotation next year. Most of the guys look like they should still be in AAA. Probably mostly due to the fact that none of them have pitched above AA (except Hill).

A 5.75 ERA. There's only so much you can attribute to youth. And if they're that resistant to coaching (which I doubt they are) they shouldn't be in the system. Also, J.K. Ryu threw a baseball and killed a bird. You can't tell me he doesn't know how to throw strikes. What sort of coaching does he actually do? The only thing I've seen is that he's fine with his pitchers getting hurt, he is ineffective when he goes out to the mound (I guess most guys are for the most part though) and all he does is have guys throw a towel.

On a much more pleasant note, congratulations to the White Sox. You have now joined the Cubs in finishing the 2006 season on Sunday, October 1. Think about it. Which would you rather have? Your team blows all year, you're way out by the end of June. Despite the N.L. being possibly the worst it's been in a long time, you still have no chance. In fact, you are the worst team in the N.L.

Or would you rather play all season in second place. Then September comes, and you fall into third. Not only do you fall into third, you totally collapse when it counts. Hurts more that way doesn't it?

So congratulations White Sox. And don't mind me laughing in your face.

What I remember about this weekend:

Nothing.

Ok, that's a lie. But with as much as I drank it might as well be nothing. Basically every night past 11 was a haze, and actually, Saturday it was a haze well before it.

Got to Chicago on Friday night around 7:30 I think. Went to eat, had a beer at dinner and delicious tacos. Sidenote: I'm addicted to hot sauce. Can't get enough. Anyways, we leave, I shower, we eat cake, I have a beer or two, we go out. More beer, I lose track, we leave and go to a different bar. Much more beer, then the night gets very hazy. We leave and go to a third bar (I had forgotten about this, I must have been chugging my beer), and have to wait forever to get served a beer. Then there was singing into my phone by Sarah and myself, because I think we kept getting hung up on, but we kept calling back anyways. Then we went to sweet sweet El Burrito. I don't really remember walking home I don't think. But I do remember enjoying the hell out of those tacos once we got back. Nope, I take that back. I don't remember walking/getting back at all on Friday night. Then Sarah and I started watching the Grudge until I passed out. Sitting up.

Woke up Saturday at 7:30, still sitting up. Slept for about an hour more (lying down this time). Finished the Grudge, then watched a little Always Sunny in Philadelphia, then the Illini came on. I opened my first beer at 11:45 a.m. We watched part of Royal Tenenbaums, then we sat and watched Doom.

Just a note, Doom blew. Hard. It was terrible. You know the video game was like constant killing. I was confident that of the 105 minute runtime of the movie that hopefully 90 would be killing shit. But no. There was only like maybe 7 minutes of killing total. Total letdown. On top of that, the storyline was terrible (which you'd expect, which is why killing would make up for it). I'm not sure how we passed the rest of the day, but I remember going to dinner sometime between 7 and 8. And just to point out, I had the best ketchup I had in my entire life at dinner. I know you're jealous.

So at 9:40 we head out to Belly's. For $25 at the door we had free drinks from 10-1. So we'd been drinking for 10 hours when we got there. And I already had no idea how much beer I'd had all day. I was fairly uncomfortable at the bar, so I was drinking faster. Also, just to note, apparently on the elevator down to get a cab to go to the bar I said that I didn't feel very drunk, but I knew I was, and there was a chance I'd remember very little from that point on. I remember saying it, but I didn't think I was in the elevator when I said it.

Anyways, I don't remember a whole lot about the 3 free hours of drinking. We watched the end of the MSU/ND game, I had to prevent a fight, and I occasionally had to keep certain people off of certain other people. Which was harder than you'd think if certain people would take the opportunity when given.

So at 12:55 someone tells me that they're about to stop serving, so I should go get another beer. So I got one. Then they told me to get another one. I also had half a beer in my hand. I think I ended up with the half beer I had, then either 3 or 4 full ones. And I refused to set them on the table, so I was holding all of them in my hands. I remember when I got down to two beers left I would occasionally drink from both at the same time. I'm 23. This is my life. Feel free to model yours after it.

Things I don't remember from the night are dancing, chhhting, at some point I put Sarah in a headlock, and I don't remember leaving the bar. At all. I remember getting to El Burrito though. And it was glorious. Except they put cheese on two of my tacos. I was very angry at that. Apparently I was pretty surly in general. I picked the cheese off one of the tacos, but there was too much on the other to eat it. Apparently when we left, I refused to pick up my garbage. I think someone picked it up for me, although I can't confirm it.

We were locked out when we got back home, and we had to knock on the door for about 2 minutes until we were let in. I guess I ate a little cake, and I don't remember passing out. Woke up still drunk I think the next day. I sobered up around 12 and started feeling very sick. Managed to keep everything down though.

It's great that even for Latoya's birthday I still celebrate like it was mine. Of course, that's how I celebrate most weekends, but at least we had a reason to this time. And it was awesome.

Dusty Baker: Idiot, probably other stuff too

Gone over the weekend of course, and I've had virtually no contact with the Cubs at all. And by that I mean I haven't read anything about them since Friday, and I have absolutely no idea when the last time I saw part of a game was. Of course, I may have drank away the memories of watching the Cubs, but that's besides the point. Anyways, I was reading a Tribune article this morning and thought I'd make some comments on it.

The article was about how Ol' Double Switch seems resigned to just pack it in. Of course, even the title presupposes that Dusty hasn't yet packed it in, which I'm pretty sure he did in May. And, to be fair, he probably started packing it in in June of 2005.

First, Dusty said if he was going to be let go, he'd rather know sooner than later. Well, his contract is up after the game Sunday (only 6 games/losses left in this season!). I'd say if he was going to get an extension, there would have been some sort of discussion about it. Anyways, Jim Hendry, commenting about how it's presumed that Dusty is out, said "Not necessarily."

Jim Hendry, ladies and gentleman, announcing his candidacy for Idiot of the Millenium. How is it not necessarily true?? Do you think everyone has learning disabilities?? And how do you intend to keep your job if you bring back a manager who has only made this team do worse each successive year and you've depleted the farm system? Why can't I stop asking questions? Do you not watch baseball? Have you seen the Cubs play this year? They SUCK. They suck hard. Like a fan in the top of RFK stadium for a Nationals game hard. Also, Hendry is doing Baker no favors by not firing him. Baker has been dragged through shit basically all season due to speculation and whatnot. It's obvious he doesn't want to come back to this. Hopefully it's all sucked a little bit of his will to live, because his managing has sucked a little bit of my will to leave.

Large digression, back to topic though. There were some truly stupid questions asked during this press conference also. But asked if Dusty has a gut feeling he'll be brought back, he said he doesn't allow his gut to feel right now.

That's great. Poor poor Dusty. I'm hoping that Dusty is only talking about his managing status when he says he doesn't let his gut feel. Because every decision I have ever seen him make while 'managing' a game has been inexplicable unless he's having a 'gut feeling.'

Dusty has 'zero' regrets about coming to Chicago. Here's where I beg to differ. I mean, sure he made about $15 million or so for 4 years of 'working.' He basically did nothing for 4 consecutive years while collecting much larger paychecks than I get for actually doing work. But I would think that he would have one regret, and that regret is that now everyone knows that he's such a shitty manager that he most likely won't make that much money again. At least not for a while. Until he can manage a team of only veterans and have them win despite his best efforts to make them suck (like a fan in the top of RFK stadium at a Nationals game).

The article goes on to question how Hendry will evaluate Baker. Apparently Hendry would give no definite answer. I had to stop reading because my eyes actually melted out of my face due to the rage and complete bewilderment of what I was reading. First, what kind of fucking stupid question is that? Second, the fact that I can understand why you would ask the question has me pondering exactly who the bigger idiot is, Hendry or Baker.

Why would you ask that question? Well, obviously Hendry has given Dusty every chance to prove he can do something. Maybe Hendry was just hoping that Dusty would win even a little bit to prove that bringing him in for 4 years wasn't a giant mistake. But apparently Hendry doesn't watch the games. He must not have any idea what baseball is, how the Cubs are doing, any of it. Because there is no other reason that Dusty Baker would have a job right now.

I'm just trying to figure out what Hendry does when it looks like he's watching the games. My guess is that he reads the comics in newspapers (Cathy is his favorite) and then sleeps for about 90 minutes, normally dreaming about unicorns, rainbows, Neifi Perez, Dusty Baker, what it would be like if the Earth was made of marshmallows, then he wakes up, walks outside, tries to eat dirt, realizes it's not made of marshmallows (yet). Then he cries for about 3 minutes, then he straps on his bib and eats some chocolate cake, getting it all over his face in the process. Then he usually leaves the games early, so someone can give him a bath and read him a story so he can take another nap. Also, he gets angry if someone suggest he actually do the job he gets paid for.

I don't even care how the article ended. I refuse to know how it ended because the entire situation is just so needlessly stupid. I'm imploring the Tribune Co. board of directors to fire everyone they possibly can. That's right, imploring. In the meantime I'm just going to gouge out my eyes so I don't have to read about/see any more Cubs games this year.

Notes from a night of TV

I absolutely love watching TV. In case you couldn't tell, I don't really have a life. So, TV gives me something to do in Peoria, since there's nothing. And, last night was of course the season premiere of The Office, the brainchild of Stephen Merchant and Ricky Gervais, suprisingly made well by American producers. But anyways, here are some observations from a Thursday night of television.

First, what's the deal with My Name Is Earl. I don't like the show. I mean, I guess people love it, even some people whose opinions I value. But I just don't like it. I used to like Jason Lee because of the Kevin Smith movies, even though he was also in the abomination Vanilla Sky. But when I tuned in to the show, I was just confused and disappointed. I just don't think it's funny.

Anyways, after The Office on NBC was Deal or No Deal. I hate this show so much. I also hate how easy it is to get addicted to it. It's so easy to make fun of the people, to second guess them, to laugh in their face if they don't win enough money. But I'm also so jealous of them because virtually everyone of the show wins what I would consider an assload of money. I'd like an assload of money. Also, Howie Mandel. I used to like him. Of course, that was when I was 5 and I found out he was the creator of Bobby's World (Under water the fish don't stink...). That show was awesome. And as soon as I got old enough to stop liking Bobby's World, I got more and more tired of Howie Mandel. Also, we get the whole shtick. Ooh, the banker is making an offer. Howie can't believe it! Amazing! Commercial?!

Also I saw this commercial for this little girl singing Twinkle Twinkle. I don't know how many people have seen it, but this cute little girl is singing the song in a tutu or something (I think I've only seen the commercial drunk). At the end, a voice comes on and says something to the effect of 1 out of every 100 (guessing) children makes it to Broadway, but 1 out of every 5 children in America is autistic. Such an uplifting commercial. Oh, you think your little girl is adorable? She may have a learning disability! Sleep tight parents of America.

Another show on last night was Grey's Anatomy. Now, I pretty much hate everything ABC puts on television. I never got behind Lost out of principle, and pretty much every other popular show is aimed at women. So I guess I can't really argue with them if that's their demographic. Whatever. But why does ABC always feel the need to give hour-long previews of upcoming seasons, or hour-long recaps of what has happened up to now. "Hey, want to suck in viewers? Let's tell them a new episode is coming, but it's just a recap of shit they've seen. They'll eat it up too! Suckers!"

On a rather sad note, my Thursday nights used to be full of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, which of course is probably the funniest show on TV right now. But, of course, since the second season is over and there are maybe 25 or so episodes, they only show episodes on Sunday nights. Of course, I have all of the episodes on my DVR, but it's just not the same. I think it would be brilliant if FX paid to have a lot more of these episodes made.

Luckily, FX didn't let me down last night. They showed Kill Bill, which I haven't seen in a while and I forgot how bitching it is. It was really a great alternative to watching girly shows like Grey's Anatomy and listening to the girly emotions about being girly and stuff. Well done FX. While many of your movie choices still suck, I sense with Rescue Me and Always Sunny, and possibly Nip/Tuck (I've not really been a fan but I'm giving it a shot this season, thanks to the "Nipped in the butt: Is Christian gay? drinking game), perhaps you'll gain my respect yet.

WWID?

As this may be one of my last Cubs posts (probably thankfully for everyone) I thought I'd put in my two cents as to how I would fix the Cubs right now.

First, here are the players back next year: Derrek Lee, Michael Barrett, Ryan Theriot, Matt Murton, Ronny Cedeno, Cesar Izturis, Zambrano, Rich Hill, Eyre, Howry, Dempster. Most of the bullpen, if not all of them, are under contract. Which I'm fine with.

Here are some of the things I would do.

1. Make sure Aramis doesn't leave Chicago. I don't care how slow he started off the season, he tore shit up in spring training, and he's tearing shit up now. He's probably one of the top 5 third basemen in baseball, and you know at the end of the season he's going to be around .290 with 30 hr's and around 100 rbi's.

2. Let Juan Pierre go. He's fast, yes, and he has stolen a lot of bases, which the Cubs haven't had in a long time. But they're still not scoring any more runs. I know part of that is due to Dusty Baker having no concept of how to play the game of baseball, but Juan doesn't get on base all that often. And when he does, it's pretty much only with a hit. It's nice to see his average approaching .300, but that just means he'll want even more of a raise. Let him go.

Bring in Gary Matthews, Jr. I was disappointed we had to let him go in his first tour with the Cubs, but we had Corey Patterson waiting in the wings and Sarge Jr. was only hitting about .215. Damn could he field though. Well, now he's hitting above .300. While I don't expect him to replicate this next year (although it would be great if he did), he's still a better fielding outfielder than Pierre, and after a quick check, his OBP is nearly 50 points higher. .377. I'd much rather have that than Pierre. Matthews is all-around better this year, and it sounds like he'd be welcome to returning to the Cubs, and I'd love to have him, regardless of his performance next year because he seems to get it now.

3. Get rid of Jacque Jones. Some people think that his hitting has made up for his poor fielding and baserunning. But I disagree. I think if you need an excuse to make it ok for a player to miss the cut off man every single time he throws the ball and to make the final out of an inning while on the bases, the player should be gone. Sosa couldn't hit the cut off man, but luckily he hit 60 home runs and had 130+ rbi's. I don't see Jacque being as productive. Also, he's a terrible hitter early in the count, he doesn't look at pitches, and he doesn't hit lefties. So we're paying $4.5 million to a dude who is basically in a platoon in right field.

Get Carlos Lee or Alfonso Soriano. Hell, get both, package Jones and Cedeno somewhere for a 3rd pitcher. We've got Z, we've got Rich Hill, we've probably got someone like Sean May or Juan Mateo or Angel Guzman should he ever find the strike zone as 4's and 5's, so let's get a solid third pitcher. Give Soriano the option to play second or outfield, move Murton to right. Murton seems to have the desire to get better, and I can see him trying to improve his fielding/throwing. So let him play out there. Remember Brant Brown? He was notorious for having a lead glove, and then one season he improved enough to play center. And he was great until he separated his shoulder and was never the same.

4. This is obvious, fire the coaching staff. I don't care who we bring in, as long as they have a reputation for coaching players (especially younger players) while not upsetting the veterans. There can be nothing worse than this group of coaches. But make sure they can improve talent so we can bring up Felix Pie (if we only get one outfielder and it's not Matthews) to play center and understand taking pitches. Also, make sure the pitching coach emphasizes throwing strikes.

5. Bring in Barry Zito. I don't really need to explain it, but if we can have 2, maybe 3 lefties in the rotation, and a 1,2 of the big Z's (like how I already nicknamed them?) then I would almost say that we'd have a team that could (gasp) contend.

I don't expect most of this stuff to happen. In fact, the only thing that seems fairly certain now is that Baker is gone after this season. I'm just happy that he's stayed around long enough to make a mockery out of this team for 2 straight seasons, while Hendry does little to improve the team. Oh, also, keep Henry Blanco. The man is a machine, and he's by far the best backup catcher in the league. And he knows how to control Carlos, which is amazing.

Here's to next year.

Stupid Close

Now I realize that I'm way behind schedule on this, but I feel like I should make a few comments about it. The Bears kick ass. Everyone knows it, and if you don't know it, then you're either in a coma or you've got a mad case of denial or dimensia.

Perhaps Roy Williams is suffering from dimensia as well. Now, I can understand making a comment trying to get your team psyched up for your next game against the defending NFC North champs after losing a fairly close game to the defending NFC champs. However, maybe he should have written out what he was planning to say before actually saying it, so he could realize how embarassingly sad and stupid he sounded.

We're going to go into Chicago and leave with a win. A lot of the football announcers talk during games about how one player will say something about the other team, and the other team will put that quote on a board and use it as motivation to deliver a beatdown. Not only did the Bears not use it as motivation, they barely even noticed it. Vasher, former teammate of Roy Williams, understood that he was probably just trying to help his team get psyched, but wondered if Williams was quoted wrong. The best responses were from the team though. Urlacher was asked about it and didn't even comment. No one on the team cared. They just went out and took care of business. And it was embarassing that they did it so well.

The second, more shocking quote was that it was stupid how close Detroit came to scoring 40 points against Seattle. Now, in case any of you has terrible short term memory, or for some reason block out shitty games that sucked, the Lions scored 6. 6 points. That's like me saying that it's stupid how close I am to making a million dollars. Or new parents saying that it's stupid close how close they came to having 8 babies. Or it's stupid how close to a genius Roy Williams is. Or Dusty Baker saying that it's stupid how close the Cubs came to making the playoffs this year. Actually, that is kind of stupid, since the NL is so terrible this year. But I digress.

I would hope that someone on the Lions told Williams to shut his stupid fat mouth, especially after the beatdown they received at the hands of the Bears. But he'll probably guarantee a win against the Bears the next time they play, and then he'll say how stupid close they were to winning the Super Bowl or something.

What are you gonna do (shrugs)?

Last night was a great game for the Cubs. I turned on the game in the bottom of the third inning to see no score and Les Walrond pitching. He struck out 5 of his first 6 batters. I thought to myself, damn Les Walrond, when did you get surprisingly good? But then I heard Len and Bob talking about the first inning when Walrond had 2 on and managed to get a strike out to get out of the inning. Walrond actually mowed down the Phillies in the third, so I was like, wow, where did this come from? Then I turned the game off. I caught Dan Plesac being an idiot on the post-game show luckily. I hate him.

Anyways, I saw Walrond made it through the night with 3+ innings. He struggled without me watching apparently. He struck out 6, but walked 5. So, luckily for the Cubs pitching staff, they're going to finish at the top of the league in both. But there's obviously no relation between walking 8 guys/game and losing nearly 100 games, right Double Switch McGoo? It's only a coincidence that we're 16 walks away from the record set in 2000, when the team lost 97 games, obviously.

When asked if the organization needed to change it's philosophy regarding giving up so many walks, Dusty laughed in everyone's face, shrugged, said you need to tip your cap to the other team, and then said why change what's working for you? Actually he said 'you need to get strike 1 first and keep the leadoff man off base'.

I'm glad that Dusty understands one of the cardinal rules of baseball. Of course, how is he supposed to instill that in players? They didn't play with Hank Aaron. He's trying his best, telling them all stories about Hank Aaron, but they need to make the connection. There's only so much he can do for them as a 'coach' that truly involves as little 'coaching' as possible. However, what he's not short on are excuses, and I would assume that he really loves the sound of his voice. I would also assume that most of what comes out of his mouth is contradictory bullshit.

Also, what's the deal with the bullpen usage? I remember hearing one of the things that Baker excelled at when he came from the Giants was his bullpen usage. Well, tell me why you'd take someone out in the fourth inning, then put in a short relief guy? Especially if you're already having trouble with your bullpen being overused. Not only does he bring in a short relief guy, but as soon as he comes up in the order, better pinch hit for him. Why would you want a pitcher in the game to make an out when you could have, oh, i don't know, John Mabry come in and make an out so you can't use that pitcher any more?

I can't wait until this season is over. I will feel like a kid on Christmas morning who finds out that in addition to Santa, the Easter Bunny decided to stop by, as did the Tooth Fairy, and everyone decided to give plenty when the season ends and I see that the Cubs won't renew Baker's contract. Of course, should they make the inexplicable decision to bring him back, I will feel like a kid who just woke up and found out he was in hell and they're conducting a NAMBLA meeting.

I suck at giving titles to anything except people I dislike

Because baseball season is thankfully drawing to a close, and the Bears are kicking ass and taking the names of the opposing teams' wives/girlfriends for ultimate humiliation, I thought I'd delve into why the Bears are so good and the Cubs are so utterly, utterly pitiful.

Reading chicagosports.com this morning, I noticed this article about the Bears having improvements to make. I'm thinking, well, this is news to me, I thought the Bears sufficiently desetroyed their competition in the first two weeks.

The article stated that the Bears defense was really disappointed that they gave up 7 points. I was disappointed, mainly because everyone thinks the Ravens are the best team in the NFL (which they obviously are not, they've played one shitty team (the Bucs) and one team who I can only assume is worse than about 100 college football teams (the Raiders). But I was grateful for a dominating win, and at least it was just 7 points and not, dare I say, 10.

This team is a team of perfectionists. They are striving for the Super Bowl, they demand respect, and they're out to prove they're the best every single game. Winning isn't enough. How fucking great is that attitude?

In case you don't know how much I love the Cubs and currently hate them, I love the Cubs, yet I currently hate them. Why can't a shitty coach on the North side of Chicago adopt this kind of philosphy, the type of killer instinct into a baseball team? I know it's kind of hard to translate the football mentality into baseball terms since you're not beating someone's ass on every play, but the attitude is basically the same. We're the best, and if we don't play like it, we're fucking pissed.

Instead, Ol' Double Switch would rather just shrug his shoulders, tip his hat to the other team, and wait for the impending contract expiration while he robs every player of all confidence and physical ability they had before he arrived.

Please, please fire everyone

It gets harder and harder to write about how terrible the Cubs are daily without making the same points. I mean, you would think that someone would learn from their mistakes. But you would also think that a 'coach' would be required to do a little 'coaching' (double switches still don't count) and help players improve. Not the case on the North Side. Also, why aren't the Phillies games on TV? I mean, sure I wouldn't watch it because it's so disgusting to watch, but come on, I'm missing out on the moments I would switch over to the game, see Freddy Bynum make an error or some other play typical of the 2006 Cubs, and then have material to write about.

But I digress. So how difficult is it to be a manager? Well, if you're Dusty Baker, it's easy. Just lose a lot, and just kind of shrug when asked how you lost. Anyways, last night was a typical Cubs game. A soft-tossing lefty dominates the Cubs for 7 innings. Oh, I forgot to point out, the soft-tossing lefty IS OVER 40!

Anyways, Matt Murton homered in the 6th to get a run off of the Phillies pitcher. Good to see he's still hitting well. I don't know why people want to get rid of Murton when he's obviously the better player between him and Jacque Jones. Sidenote: I talked to a Twins fan this weekend and he actually liked Jacque. Probably likes him more now since he's not holding the Twins back though. If anyone needs to be switched out of the outfield, it's Jacque Jones, who is roughly average offensively (except unable to hit lefties or in the clutch), and terrible defensively (although he does make some great catches).

But to Dusty Baker. Hank White leads off the 7th with a single (we need him back next year by the way). In a move of pure brilliance, Dusty takes the bat out of Ronny Cedeno's hands. Now, I know in a 3-1 game, it makes perfect sense to try for 1 RUN since that obviously means YOU'RE STILL LOSING, not to mention the catcher is running. So Cedeno, who had a 12 game hit streak coming into the game (he's obviously not hitting well now) bunts Blanco over and the Cubs get nothing out of it, mainly due to a AAA catcher (who's not known for hitting) coming up next, followed by, you guessed it, Freddy Bynum.

I'm glad Bynum got the pinch hit instead of Scott Moore, who supposedly is getting a chance to play so we can see if he can replace Aramis, should he leave after this season. I'd rather know how Bynum can hit in the pinch, since, you know, he's at best a third option at second next year.

Also, I saw a report that Rich Hill got better this season despite the help of pitching coach Larry Rothschild. Rothschild said he didn't know how to help Hill. Yes, a coach just scratching his head. And now Hill is pitching awesome. I know, it takes a genius to realize this, but maybe Rothschild isn't a good pitching coach for us.

One other note of suspicion: Izturis (I mean Neifi Pt. 2) didn't go to Phila because of a sore hamstring and he stayed in Chicago for testing. Hendry said that he didn't want Izturis back playing unless it's perfect, and there was no real rush to come back for this season if he's not perfectly fine. However, Hendry has never been one to not rush back a player who's not perfectly healthy, so I just find this confusing.

So in conclusion, the entire front office, and probably 1/3 of the current players should not be back next year. And I get the feeling that the only change will be a new coaching staff. At least it's a start.

Random Stuff

Just a couple quick notes today. I know the Cubs won last night, thus virtually killing all hope I had that the team would finish with utter humiliation losing 100 games. Also, we're not the second worse team in baseball, as (I believe) it is now the Devil Rays. Who saw that coming? They suddenly started sucking shit even worse than before.

How about the White Sox? Can't seem to win at all. And I love it. The Wild Card is slipping through their hands. And to think, they were virtually tied with the Tigers for most of the first half. (Note: if the Sox come back and make the playoffs, I will delete this post as it never happened.)

Second, this thing in Thailand is crazy. I've been trying to keep track of it when I've had the chance all day. So far from what I can tell, the tanks rolled in, the prime minister (who's in New York) was all 'Things are great, this will pass,' and now the army general is calling everyone to duty and has declared martial law. Remember that movie Martial Law? Damn, that blew. I mean, I'm guessing, I didn't see it, because of the commercials blowing so much. But I digress. This whole thing just reminds me of that amazing song, "One Night in Bangkok" by only the greatest artist of the 80's, Murray Head. If you've not heard the song, I suggest you check it out. If you have heard the song, then I hope it's stuck in your head, because it will be for the rest of the day for me.

The Best Wedding Ever

This past weekend I had the honor of attending the best weekend ever. For those of you who read this (if anyone does) and don't know some of my friends, here is the cast of characters for the story about to take place:

Brooke: my date, friend from IWU
Meg: maid of honor, friend from IWU
Reed: Meg's boyfriend
Anne: bridesmaid, friend from IWU
Bride: friend from h.s. and IWU
Brandon: Anne's date
Ashley: bridesmaid, friend from h.s.

Ok, with that out of the way, I think I can get to the story. Well, first, I thought about going to this wedding alone, sans date, until I talked to Bride and she told me that the only people I'd know would be on the wedding party. So I decided it would be even too awkward for me to go stag, but I'll get to that a little later.

So we show up at the wedding, and it's a virtual who's who of people I somewhat recognize, as I used to date the sister of the groom (there's where the awkwardness comes in). It was a nice wedding, and it was a Catholic (read: LONG) service, so we left at about 2:45 I think. Reception started at 5 about 40 minutes from the church, and me, being the only one from the area of our little cast not in the wedding party, was going to lead the pack of cars. We all had rooms at the same hotel, so we drove there first. However, how could we pass up beer and football on a beautiful Saturday afternoon? We couldn't, so on the way we stopped at a bar to watch Michigan-Notre Dame. After the first quarter we left, and got to the hotel about 4:15. Hung out for about half an hour, then were ready to leave for the reception.

Note: Reception was about 15 minutes from hotel. There were four of us at the hotel, and 3 cars. We decided to pass on taking all 3 cars to the reception. I asked if anyone would be staying sober enough to drive back to decide if we should take one or two cars. Brandon said he could, since he had to leave early the next day, so we took his car. He is a saint.

Get to reception, walk inside, immediately see groom's sister I used to date. Very awkward exchange, then we walk in. Most tables are full, we see that only a few are reserved for family, so we find a table (close to the bar) and sit. Now, to explain the alcohol situation, they had gotten 2 pony kegs of Miller Lite (which i dislike) which were free, and they gave it out in 8 oz. cups. They also had full bars, but everything but the pony keg beer cost money.

Most people at this reception were older. As in above 26. The average age was probably closer to mid-30's. Of course, I can't really remember everyone I saw, as I was mostly focused on the beer in front of me and finishing it as soon as possible. But I digress. So our table was the four of us (all 23), and about 3 empty chairs.

Before the toast the bridesmaids of our cast came over and hung out for a while, drinking of course. They were upset that everyone was older also. I lost track of how many beers I had before dinner. After dinner things start getting very hazy. Also, I'm not sure of the timeline of some of the events.

I saw my h.s. Spanish teacher, and went up and had a conversation with her. I was also wasted. We were having a long conversation, during which we were interrupted, and I was dragged out onto the dancefloor to dance. This was later in the night, as most people had gone home. Pretty much the only people on the dancefloor was our cast, little kids, and the newly married couple.

Later I was talking to the groom's mom. Again, our conversation was interrupted and I was dragged away to dance. They had disposable cameras on each table for the bride and groom. By the end of the night, the only people using the cameras were the little kids and the drunkies (us). Also, as is the case whenever I get a camera, I kept taking pictures of myself. I hope they enjoy those pictures. Also, I posed with Reed and the wait staff for a picture. This was his idea, I merely obliged.

During the dollar dance, I felt it was necessary to take my beer with me. I mean, I had to wait in line, and I couldn't not drink while standing in one place. I think I was one of maybe two people to do so. I don't think the bride cared though.

I wanted to dance with the flower girl, but she unfortunately refused. I knew she would though, she was out of my league. Also, I'd just like to point out that she was the cutest little girl I've ever seen in my life and she is the standard for adorable children. And all other children are hideously grotesque monsters in comparison.

I think that's about all for the memories at the reception. It was supposed to get over at 10, but I think they let us stand and drink/dance for about another 1.5 hours or so. So we all pile into the car, drive back, and immediately after we park, Anne gets out and goes to throw up in the grass next to the parking lot.

I've spent Sunday morning until now trying to piece back together the night's events.

Best wedding ever.

Things I Hate

I don't intend to make this post a list of things I hate, but there's a good chance that I will just start writing blogs about things that really piss me off or annoy the hell out of me and whatnot.

So I realize I'm a couple days late with this, but everyone remembers that idiot James Frey who wrote whatever book he wrote, then Oprah picked it up as her book of the month or whatever her and her bookclub claim books to be, then she brought him on the show to rip him apart because I guess his book was marketed as a completely true story, and people were pissed off, and she basically trapped him to tear into him.

This brings me to my first point: So fucking what if it wasn't entirely true? I find it hard to believe that anything that is marketed as non-fiction (I'm not even sure what category it would be filed under for people to be pissed off unless it's non-fiction), unless it's a statistical book or something, is entirely true. People embellish stories. Big fucking deal. And then to call him onto the show just so you can yell at him for falsely promoting his book or whatever is just ridiculous. But whatever, Oprah is dumb and this was months ago.

So then I hear the other night (on Colbert Report I believe) that he and/or his publishing company lost a class-action suit and all of the people named in the case won back the money they paid for the book, and if they bought it at a discount, they still received the refund for the full price of the book.

Good job America. So because the Oprah was offended by what this guy did, and gave this guy so much free publicity (which is probably why he was ok with going back on the show), everyone gets pissed off and wants their money back. And there's never been an attorney who'd pass up, oh, I don't know, maybe $1 commission from probably at least 100,000 people. So everyone bitches and gets their money back.

WHO CARES IF HE LIED? Big fucking deal. I lie all the time. I do it like if i keep doing it, I might win something. And what do the people get out of it? $20? Maybe they should use that money to buy some dignity after pissing and moaning to get back that lousy $20.

And who says the book had to be straight truth? People lie all the time. They do it to make stories more interesting. People fucking loved the book until they found out he made parts of it up. So in the very least they were entertained.

This is just another sign of how stupid people in America are and their stupid feelings of entitlement. You read an entertaining book. Get the fuck over it. I just hope that now people will let this thing go, because apparently they hadn't (as I found out from the Colbert Report). Man do I hate stupid people.

End rant.

17 days

Have you ever seen that movie 28 days? It's got Cillian Murphy (is that his name?) in this hospital bed, and he wakes up and there's no one around, then he finally sees some flesh eating zombie-like characters, and he's saved by 2 people who have yet to enjoy the delicacies of flesh (i.e. they're not zombies). Well, I guess something like 28 days passes before they finally come up with a cure or something. I kind of stopped paying attention to the movie after the first, I don't know, minute, after the phrase "These monkeys are infected...", wait for it, this is gold, "...with rage!" The whole thing was so melodramatic and ridiculous I had decided the movie was going to be shit. Which I guess it wasn't entirely, based on some of the shitty movies I've seen since then (Flight Plan? I thought that would be a good idea?).

But anyways, imagine you're like 11 days into the 28 days of zombies everywhere. You don't understand why everyone loves flesh so much, but you're not going to try it. You just know that everyone around you is crazy. But unlike, in the movie, there is an end in sight. And instead of everyone around you being crazy, it's just Cubs management and coaches.

Yes, 17 days until the sweet release of freedom from the tyrannical rule of Dusty Baker over the Cubs. Actually it's closer to 16 (there's a counter on desipio.com) but who am I to get into the details.

Yesterday was the first time the Cubs have won a series since the road sweep at Houston in the middle of August. I'd have to do more research to find the last series win at home, but I'm sure it was at least 4 days before the Houston series started. Ok, I looked, and it was completed on 8/6/2006, against the formerly last place Pirates.

Luckily for the Cubs, the past three days they've been playing a Dodgers team who has been trying to give away the NL West. They're struggling mightily. And if you know anything about the Cubs and a Dusty Baker coached team, it's that when they smell blood, they attack. Unless the blood is of a lesser team, like, say, the Pirates, then it's actually quite difficult to beat them at all.

But, anyways, yesterday Bob Howry closed the game for the Cubs. Does anyone know why he changed from Bobby Howry to Bob Howry? Did he suddenly grow up in the offseason? Who cares what they call you as long as it isn't Sucks McGee? Well, anyways, Dusty was more than glad to field questions about the sheer domination the Cubs just completed. And, by the stupid sports media of course, Dusty was asked if there was a closer controversy. Yes, idiots, with only 15 games left, you should be very worried about who the closer is, especially when we're trying not to lose 100 games. It's seriously such a stupid question, and it is the only reason I'm not a sports reporter. Not that I have no experience. Or no background in journalism. Or no talent.

But I digress. Well, Baker, in true Baker form, responded with "Right now Bobby is throwing better." What?? You mean he hasn't blown 8 consecutive saves? You're a brilliant man, and I wish you would write a book with some of your brilliant ideas in it so I could mimic them and try to live my life to the fullest as a shitty baseball coach.

Now, I know it was a stupid question, and I would rather have heard Dusty just call that guy an idiot and say that there are 15 games left, he's getting 'let go' of at the end of the season, and ask if they've seen Dempster blow any of his past 8 saves. Anyways, the Cubs are 2 games up on the worst team in baseball (perhaps in record only), the Royals. With 15 games left, I feel confident that he Royals (and Devil Rays, who were's suddenly up 1.5 games on) will win at least 6 games, and the Cubs will lose all but 3, thus solidifying their status as worst team in baseball, getting 100 losses, and giving Dusty Baker a first class ticket to Leave-Chicagosville, population: You

A Curveball

Obviously I hate Dusty Baker. I'm terribly proud of it. I think his roster moves are stupid, and his in-game 'managing' is confusing at best. But something happened in the game last night that made me redirect my anger.

In the game last night, there was a grounder to Mabry playing first. He didn't field it cleanly, and fell on his wrist, still managing to flip the ball to first, but too late. I can't remember if it was an error or not. But Mabry was grabbing his wrist, in obvious pain, and he still waved away the trainer. This made me realize: It's not Mabry's fault I hate him. Mabry doesn't put himself in the lineup, even though he's obviously overmatched in almost every facet of the game. It's the baseball-challenged manager's fault I hate most of the players on the team.

Obviously, I should rescind my hatred of Mabry. He played so much for Lee when he was on the DL, and I hated it, wanting Phil Nevin in, but it's not Mabry's fault. Really it only takes one look at his .207 average to realize he shouldn't be in the game. Or, granted, he was hitting .220 for a while in the middle of the season, but still. However, you look at his OBP of .288, which is only slightly worse than Neifi 2, I mean Cesar Izturis, and you can't be too angry about it, in comparison. Hell, Pierre's OBP is only .330.

Next up is Freddy Bynum. Now, Freddy is terrible in the field, and not much better at the plate, hitting .261 with an OBP of .318. However, I'd like to point out Baker's comments after the 6-error game Tuesday night: "It's tough, but what are you going to do." Of course Dusty, why practice fielding all season, it's tough!! Jackass. Baker then told third base coach/DUI enthusiast Chris Speier to talk to Bynum about whether his glove is proper for getting the ball out quickly. What better time than after a 3-error inning to do that? Surely not, I don't know, before a player starts every day! So it's really not Bynum's fault, he's just not that good, and Baker has no idea. But why would he, it's not like he's in a position to know what players can and can't do and play them accordingly.

Now, there are players on the team I do hate. Mainly just Jacque Jones. His fielding, while sometimes stellar, is sometimes ridiculously bad. He can't throw, he can't hit lefties, and he doesn't take pitches. Also, I don't like Neifi 2. While he fields much better with better range, and he's faster, at the plate he's exactly the same. I expect nothing out of him. At least Cedeno has shown he can hit for average if coached a little bit (like in AAA where he tore shit up last year).

Finally, Buck Coats. This kid was called up to be another middle infielder when Izturis went on the DL. Well, luckily for Coats, he's managed to get into 10 games. In those 10 games, he has 8 f'ing at bats. Nothing like letting a kid waste away on the bench in favor of some player (Bynum) who shouldn't be around next year. It's good for his psyche, right Dusty, you close-minded stubborn can't-manage asshole?

I Hate Dusty Baker

Today I will be talking only about the game last night. Well, there may be a few references to the game in addition to the past, but mainly the game last night. So let's get right into it.

The Cubs won last night in 11 innings. Now, you're probably thinking, wow, the Cubs actually won two games in a row? Has hell frozen over yet? Well, I was not happy with the win last night. In fact, I was disgusted with it. No team should ever win that way. So why does Dusty deserve to lose his job after actually winning a game?

6 errors in the game last night. 6! I'll even give them the benefit of the doubt and say they only made 4 errors, because the two in the 9th were from players who have spent a fair amount of time on the DL and not playing regularly. So, surprise!, a Dusty Baker 'coached' team made 4 errors in one game. I guess it's just one of those things you just shrug your shoulders at. Surely it had nothing to do with Freddy Bynum playing over, say, Ryan "the Riot" Theriot. It was probably just a fluke that Bynum made 3 fucking errors! Does Baker even watch the games? Does he understand the point of baseball?

Ryan Dempster pitched in the 9th. I guess I can't really blame him for blowing the save, since two errors were made. The second of which possibly could have ended the game. But regardless, why can't you just let Bob Howry or, *gasp* Aardsma, a rookie who threw 2 hitless innings last night, close out a game? Just try it out. Dempster has blown 8 saves (I think), and of those 8, if I'm not mistaken, it was his third consecutive blown save. No, there's no reason to think that maybe he should be given a save night off. He's doing great. You're right Dusty.

I'll gladly admit that I didn't watch most of the game last night. So I'm not exactly sure as to the order in which batters were used. Here's what I noticed though. Matt Murton went 3-4, and was on base the final 5 plate appearances he had (3 hits, 2 walks, in that order). Obviously he'll not be in the lineup today. I saw Henry Blanco hitting behind Derrek Lee, Jacque Jones hitting cleanup, and Aramis I guess didn't get the start. I'm sure there was a double switch somewhere in there.

But somehow the Cubs managed to win despite Baker. Bottom of the 11th, Murton gets a leadoff walk. Baker pinch hits for Aardsma with Geovanny Soto (backup catcher), and has him sacrifice Murton over. But he can't get the bunt down. So I've got 2 problems with this. It's an extra inning game!! Why would you use an extra hitter just to bunt someone over??!! He didn't even get the bunt down, so it turned out to be pointless anyways. Luckily he managed to hit into a fielders choice (as opposed to a double play). So, then the next batter (Aramis?) gets on base, and Izturis is up, with Soto at second. So Baker then pinch runs for Soto. So this I can kind of see since he's obviously not going to remain in the game anyways. And who does Baker put in to run for him? You betcha, Juan Mateo, the rookie starting pitcher. Who has very little experience on the bases.

Izturis, after having a very Neifi-like at-bat in his previous plate appearance (weak fly ball out), hits a slow-roller up the middle. Mateo doesn't have a big enough lead, so even while he could be very fast, it's going to be close at home. The throw goes home, and had the catcher been able to handle it, Mateo would have been out, since he didn't slide at all.

So my guess is that Dusty is trying to throw games now. He is doing everything he possibly can to make the Cubs the worst team in baseball, and to strip everyone of any confidence they might have. I have nothing but contempt for him. Also, I love that Greg Maddux is passive-aggressively taking shots at Baker for being a shitty manager.

We've Had Enough

I think this is going to be one of the last posts in regards to firing Dusty Baker's no-managing ass. You would literally have the mental capacity of a newborn child to not be able to see that he's a terrible manager. Also, I would like to take this opportunity to take a jab at Jim Hendry. You see, back at the All-Star break, Hendry said he was going to evaluate the Cubs' situation and decide whether or not to have Baker manage out the season. He wanted to wait until all the players came off the DL to judge Baker's managerial abilities. And I use the term abilities loosely. But, now that virtually all of the players (read: Derrek Lee) are off the DL, this team is performing, and Dusty is showing how great he is.

Case in point: Since sweeping the Astros on the road in the middle of August, the Cubs are 4-19. Of those 4 wins, not one has been on the road. Hence, tonight, the Cubs are in danger of being swept for the 3rd time in their past 5 series. I guess this just goes to show that not only can the Cubs not win at home, they just can't win in general.

There are 19 games left. The Cubs are the worst team in the NL. As of today, the Cubs are the worst team by 1.5 games. Last year it was embarrassing to finish behind the Brewers. But now it's looking like we'll be no worse than the worst team in baseball.

The Kansas City Royals are a mere 2.5 games behind the Cubs. The Royals, the team who is (or at least was) hands down the worst team in baseball and is normally considered a AAA team, are 2.5 games behind the Cubs. The Cubs are getting beat up on by some of the worst teams in baseball. The Braves, who are extremely far from the class of the NL, but are not in the bottom of their division, are on the verge of sweeping us for the season. The Pirates, who were in the basement of the NL Central until the Cubs claimed their rightful spot, have taken 5 of the last 6 from us.

Jim Hendry is a genius. It takes someone with a lot of foresight to allow your manager to finish out the year, knowing that you may finish as the worst team in baseball. It also helps if you're blind and have no knowledge of the game of baseball. I don't have the energy for this any more. Please fire everyone. I'm praying to the gods of baseball.

Final weekend memories

Ok, I think I finally have a grasp on some of the other things that happened this past weekend now that I've seen some pictures. Of course, a number of the pictures of me I either don't remember and I have no idea what I'm doing, or I don't remember them being taken and I'm glad I don't remember them being taken because it's pretty embarrassing. But anyways, to the memories!

Sarah reminded me, and how could I not mention this, but the two of us had a dance party on the entire trip home from whereever it was we ate breakfast in New Buffalo, Michigan, to her house in Homewood. It was a solid 55 minutes of dancing in my car. There was also a lot of singing. Just another instance of having our own little dance party this weekend.

Second, we had a puker. I won't say who it was, except to say that it wasn't me. Because we all know who it was. And by we all, I'm not even sure if everyone at the cabin knew someone puked. Anyways, I have absolutely no recollection of this at all, but I remember seeing this person the next day as I was doing my picture taking of everyone sleeping, and there was a garbage can next to the bed. I made sure to get a picture of the two together. I can't believe I don't remember anything like that. I just remember seeing the puker in bed Friday night and someone else telling me that the puker had puked and needed to go to bed. And I think I laughed. Why am I being so cryptic?

Everyone had set their cameras on the counter in the kitchen, which was one of the places where people would gather. Well, this was a terrible idea for other people. I would basically pick up a camera (I think there were four, but I could only figure out two) and take pictures of myself, or take pictures of really random stuff. I remember taking a picture of a conversation we were having. I would take a picture of myself talking, then take a picture of someone else talking, then take a picture of myself listening. I'm really good at entertaining myself when I'm drunk.

Whenever people would take pictures of me, I would either look away, or I would look right at the camera and do somethign stupid like give a thumbs up or point directly at the camera. I'm really an idiot.

Finally, I think we did a lot of sitting around and talking about random subjects. However, in just about every situation I remember sitting and talking, I don't remember any of the topics. Best Labor Day weekend ever.

Update: 2 more memories.

1. At some point this weekend I was imitating Sean Paul. But, if you know me, you know I spit hot fire and that's not really a stretch.

2. While walking home from the beach Sunday carrying my guitar, this car of 5 dudes in a 60's convertible pulls up and say "Now this is what we're missing. Play us a song. Do you know any Elvis?" I had just sobered up from the afternoon at the beach, and I was so caught off guard, I was absolutely terrified. I just stood there in silence and trembled for 2 minutes until they finally drove away. I showed them.

Back to the basics

So, once again, the Cubs are the worst team in the NL. Not only that, they're behind teams like the Pirates, who actually have about the same problems as the Cubs, except they have a lot of good young players. They're also way behind the Marlins, who started the season with only 3 players on their 25-man roster who weren't in AAA or lower at some point last season. Those same Marlins are now making a push for the wildcard. While I don't blame this entirely on Baker, I blame it on Hendry because the Marlins managed to trade away basically their entire team and build prospects, while Hendry would rather hang on to worthless losers (or at least underachievers ahem Jones, Pierre) than get young talent.

But anyways, here, again, is yet another reason why Dusty Baker should be fired. Not allowed to finish out the season. Fired. We're tied with the fucking Devil Rays. The Devil Rays have no coach that I know of (especially not one who is as 'big of a name' and 'good' as Dusty Baker. Of course, we all know he's not good. He's not even the absence of good. He's like a black hole, where baseball goes to die. But I digress.

Let's look at the game yesterday. On chicagosports.com they have two articles about yesterday. One is about how low the Cubs feel.

Oh, poor Cubs. They're making millions of dollars to go out and do shit. Literally, if they were taking a shit on the field, I bet they could win more games. They should feel bad about how terrible they're playing. If only they could do something about it. But how would they do that? I sure as hell don't know. And I'd rather not. Oh wait, maybe they should just not feel terrible about playing like dogshit. Maybe that will work.

The second article is where Dusty Baker comes in. Now, I'm not going to lie, he manages a bullpen like a magician. Pure success whenever he goes to the bullpen. He brings out a winner. Ok, enough sarcasm and anger. The article says 3 Cubs are waiting in line to take blame for the loss yesterday. Now, for some reason, it says nothing about Baker taking blame for the loss. I mean, why would he? It's only his call who pitches, his call who is in the lineup, and it's only his call who he puts in when he pulls one of his many double switches. The most like problem no doubt was that Scott Moore played because he's just not experienced. And either one of his RBI's, or 2 hits prove it. How dare he hit a double or a homer? Inexperience. He won't be in the lineup today (just a guess, but I don't see how he could be in Dusty Baker's eyes).

That was a huge tangent. I need to focus here. Okay, anyways, three players accepting blame for yesterday's loss. First was Scott Eyre. He said he lost focus in the dugout between the 8th and 9th innings. Hmm, I'm glad Baker has rules that might keep his players focused. Also, Eyre chose to ignore the scouting report on Chris Duffy, who homered off of him. Great choice Baker. Glad you decided to keep Eyre in, because I'm sure only 3 other pitchers (one named Ryan Dempster) in our bullpen could have given up a homerun in that situation. I applaud your work.

Second, Freddy Bynum made an error. HE DID??? I thought he was a gold-glove caliber utility man. I guess he did have a hit and a run yesterday, but still, did he need to stay in the game to make an error? Yes. The obvious answer is yes. Another great choice.

Third, Sean Marshall didn't cover first on a grounder to end an inning. This was earlier in the game, so it's more forgiveable than the other two. But I sure am glad the Cubs don't practice. Covering first on grounders isn't something you can practice. It's like an X-factor, you either have it or you don't. Practicing covering first doesn't make you able to cover first on a grounder. Henry Aaron never practiced covering first on grounders, and look how great he was.

I could do this on a game-by-game basis. Even in wins that I don't watch, I can usually find something in an article that makes me livid and requires that I give Dusty Baker a verbal beating. But I suggest we don't follow the Marlins recipe for success. They've won 2 World Series with something like 6 years in between, and they entirely built their system up from the bottom twice, and they're doing it again now. Jim Hendry, I'm glad you're holding on to old dudes past their prime, because obviously our lack of winning shows how great of a team you're able to build. I hate these Cubs so much. No one should have a job at the end of the season.

Tying up loose ends

I think it's time for my first random blog on this page. And I have something in mind, but I'm going to wait till I get to the end to write about it. So if some of the early stuff doesn't make sense, that's why.

Why do people refuse to drive the speed limit? I don't get it. The sign says 40, everyone clearly is going 50, and yet there's someone right in front of me topping out at 38. Come on grandma, you cut me off, the least you could do is make it to the speed on the sign.

There are some crazy fucking pedestrians in Peoria. I mean, sure they're everywhere. But I notice it a lot more here because it fills me with so much rage. Today I'm driving home for lunch, and this dude is meandering across my lane. "Oh, don't mind me sir, I'm just sane and trying to drive so people behind me don't get pissed off. I have nowhere to be. It's not like I have to be back at my job any time soon. Oh, I'm sorry, a job is what you have when you get paid to do work. Sorry for using such big words. Really, just take your time. Hey, would you like to look at a butterfly in the middle of the road? Feel free." And I, like a sucker, slow down so he can finish his jaunt across my fucking lane. But if I hit him, it's "manslaughter." Whatever, man. Whatever.

Why is it that the littlest inconveniences fill me with the most rage? Like, if I turn my tv off and the cable doesn't go off. Grrr, I have to push the button again. How dare you?! Or if I drop a spoon into the dishwasher and it bounces out. How dare you make me bend over to pick you up and put you in?! You bastard! Really I'm a very calm person.

So I was reading on cnn.com today, and one of the headlines said '2 beat 1-armed teen with his prosthetic leg.' Also, there's a video accompanying it. Now, if this was done in a movie or something, I could see it possibly being funny if it were in the right context. Like in Monty Python's Holy Grail when the Black Knight refuses to stop fighting. But this isn't a movie. How fucked up do you have to be to team up to beat a one-armed, one-legged teen? I would assume very. Even if this kid was the biggest asshole you've ever seen in your entire life, he only has half of his limbs! Give him a break. And really there's only one punishment for this:

Have you seen that SNL skit where they attract a roach into this little trap, then just burn off it's reproductive organs, then beat it senseless with it's own legs, then dangles food just out of its reach? I would say that's a start. But first, let the one-armed one-legged kid use his leg to beat the hell out of them, and then maybe let him use a bat or something. Then have somebody big use a bunch of prosthetics to beat the shit out of them. I think that would be funny, and also I think it would be fair come-uppance. I know that's something really weird to go on a rant on, but god do I hate stupid people so much.

Reason for Optimism?

Probably not. However, as the Cubs are doing so horribly miserable, and judging from basically all rumors I hear, not even Jim Hendry is dumb enough to bring Dusty Baker back and the end of the season. Although he is dumb enough to think that waiting until the end of the season to "evaluate" Baker's performance is really dumb and worthless, I just can't see Hendry having a job if Baker returns. Also I would likely kill myself if that happened. But I digress.

So I'm going to resign to the fact that Dusty won't be back. And I'm pretty sure it is in no way due to his terrible 'performance' as a manager for the Cubs, and entirely due to me writing about it for about 8 days. You're welcome Cubs fans. So I'd like to take today to list reasons for optimism for next season, which may cause the Cubs to turn it around.

Dusty Baker won't be back next year. In fact, his entire coaching staff, including Rothschild, should be nowhere near the Cubs bench unless they're all managing for some other poor suckers in the visiting dugout. This way we can bring in a competent coach with a competent staff who can help develop players, instill rules and motivate players. Also, hopefully they won't waste any time talking about 'clogging the bases' and Hank Aaron, even though Aaron had a great OBP, which isn't important to Dusty. I hate him so much.

Reason number 2: Rich Hill. He pitched a gem last night. I can't say that enough. It's too bad he didn't get the win, because he really should have. I think he got his 10th strikeout in the 5th inning. He had everything working. He's realizing his potential, and I'm realizing that I love it. (Ok, technically I realized that a while ago).

Reason number 3: The rookies in general. Murton is hitting very well. He has a professional approach at the plate (most days) and I only see him getting better as he gets more experience and doesn't sit the day after going 3-4. Cedeno tore up AAA last year, then came up and performed well in September, and he started this season out well also. I see no reason to completely write him off because the coaching staff is incapable of actually coaching someone to wait on an off-speed pitch. Ryan Theriot has been overachieving basically everytime he starts, so he could be a useful utility player or possible trade-bait.

Reason number 4: The drop in attendance. Hopefully this will open somebody's damn eyes that despite the great environment of Wrigley Field, the fans don't want to see a shitty product on the field. Of course, this may be the biggest stretch of all my reasons for optimism, because losers have been on the field most of the time and we still love to go. But the team right now is disgusting. I've seen dirty diapers that have looked like daisies compared to this. Of course that's a lie, I've never changed a diaper and the fact that I brought it up is making even myself uncomfortable, the comparison still fits.

I can see the attendance working one of three ways. First, management says, uh-oh, the fans aren't going, we better cut the payroll and raise ticket prices to make up for it. That doesn't seem entirely unreasonable to me. The second situation is that nothing changes. Also not entirely unreasonable. The third scenario has management being saying, 'fuck this, we need to make some changes to get this dirty diaper-like into something similar to daisies,' and they fire everyone. MacPhail, Hendry, everyone.

Of course, the most likely thing to occur is that very little or nothing will happen, and then I'll be forced to watch a shitty product on the field that makes me gag at the very sight.

Last Place

I'm kind of in a tough position here. I took yesterday off from writing about why Dusty Baker should lose his job because I was still reeling from this weekend. And since I hadn't watched baseball since Wednesday, I really had absolutely no idea what the Cubs had done. I didn't even care enough to look. I was prepared to write something about how the Cubs were even closer to last place. But I would have jumped the gun. You see, yesterday the Cubs lost, again, to the Pittsburgh Pirates. I believe that is 5 consecutive losses to the team that is no longer worst in the NL. Actually, it's really only fitting that the Cubs lose to the second worse team in the NL because if you need to prove you're the worst team in baseball, you lose to the team right above you. Obviously, an optimistic person would think that this would open everyone's eyes in the organization up to how terrible these coaches and this GM are. But I'm not optimistic. I'm a Cubs fan. And they're now in last place.

So obviously I hate Dusty Baker. I hate his managerial 'skills' or 'ability', both of which are non-existent. I hate his batting order, which is entirely incompetent. Now he's the reason Carlos Zambrano is hurt. Well, part of the reason, the other part is that Larry Rothschild doesn't know how to tell people that strikes are important when pitching. He is the same pitching coach who was in Florida when A.J. Burnett threw a no-hitter while walking 9.

But I think I need to make my scope bigger and more complicated. The reason the Cubs blow more than a bubble factory (does that make any sense?) is Jim Hendry. It's simple. Now, I doubt I can come up with reasons why Jim Hendry should not have a job on a daily basis, because really you can only say the reasons once. So I'll just sort of make a list.

Dusty Baker still has a job. He's obviously incompetent. I think he's losing on purpose. Even he knows he can't manage, I don't think he wants to be around this team at all, yet Hendry keeps him around.

Larry Rothschild just got an extension this past offseason. The pitching, while having high strike outs (most years, the rookies weren't too great at those this year), has been absolutely incapable of not walking people.

Neifi Perez's two-year deal. Ok, maybe you're saying that Neifi is gone now and Hendry traded him for something we could use. Well, I'm not entirely sure Neifi didn't help Hendry in negotiations with other teams, which brings me to my next point.

HE DOESN"T MAKE TRADES. There were numerous reports about teams wanting Phil Nevin, John Mabry, and Greg Maddux at the trade deadline. Maddux was the only one who was traded, even though obviously none of them will be around for next year. Then the news comes out that Nevin was the one who orchestrated his trade, and Maddux and his agent were the ones who basically orchestrated his trade. Hmm, I thought GM's were supposed to make trades. Not just sit around.

His inability to put together a solid team. The team this year has just plain sucked. Sure, a lot of it has to do with this coaching staff's inability to coach a player to anything other than sucking more. But you trade 3 promising young pitchers for Juan Pierre, who sucks until June, and while racking up a lot of steals, his style of play doesn't fit this team if he doesn't score runs. I wonder if we could have used 3 promising young pitchers this year. Nah, probably not. Good trade Hendry. But I have no reason to believe the team won't look almost exactly the same next year. But hopefully we can bring in a couple more people who are on their decline and expect them to perform.

I may be wrong in suggesting this, but why not bring in someone like Steve Stone for GM? Ok, that I wasn't wrong in suggesting, that would be amazing. But what about former Royals GM Allan Baird? For years he was working with a payroll about a third of that of the Cubs, he built their system up pretty well. They were able to develop players (Johnny Damon, Mike Sweeney, Carlos Beltran). I think he could do well working with a bigger payroll, mainly because the sheer fact that he was able to convince anyone to play in KC is a miracle. And if not, I don't even care, as long as Jim Hendry can't drag this team down any farther.