What do I do now?

Now that my wounds have healed from the Bears loss in the Super Bowl (I'm awfully fickle), it's time to look ahead in this sports year of 2007. The Super Bowl just ended, the Pro Bowl(!) is just a couple days away, pitchers and catchers report in just over a week. But how are you supposed to fill in the spaces? Nobody cares about the Pro Bowl, and just beause pitchers and catchers report doesn't really mean anything. But here's how I plan on filling in the gaps.

1. Major coke/alcohol binge - I have developed a new method of time-travel, patent pending, in which I drink a lot of alcohol and then I don't remember anything when I wake up. So the alcohol would be for time-travel. The coke however, is to make the time (that I won't remember) go faster. Also, I could really use that two week coke-binge to do something good, like clean my apartment 45 times.

2. Watch college basketball - As an Illini fan, it's my job to root for the Illini. It's not so much root for the Illini as dread any sort of loss that will completely destroy their season. Tonight they play at Northwestern. Northwestern is terrible, and yet I'm not confident that the Illini will blow them out, which is what they should do. Following that there are games at Indiana and Iowa. I'm almost positive we'll lose to Indiana but the Iowa game is the real terror. Iowa is a shitty team, and yet they beat Indiana. So I'll be spending this time basically waiting for the Illini to fall apart, while secretly hoping that they don't. Anyways, if you don't have any rooting interests in college basketball, the least you could do is watch every game Texas and Ohio State play, and then draw your own conclusions about the better player to draft would be or why. Or at least watch Kevin Durant's domination of the college game. Your call. Well, the least you could do would be nothing at all.

3. Watch hockey - Hey! They play hockey still. Good for the NHL. I really don't watch hockey, but if you do, then good for you. You can spend this break between popular sports by rooting for your favorite teams. If there's anything I remember from playing NHL 94, it's that the Hartford Whalers were a can't-lose team. I bet they're destined for great things this season as well.

4. Help fix your favorite baseball team - Maybe you're not entirely happy with your team's offseason moves. I've been very vocal on here about how much the Cubs signing Jason Marquis sucks. It sucks so bad. Well, why not help them modify their roster? How can you do this? You can put a hit out on Jason Marquis. If he "mysteriously" doesn't report to spring training, then he can't ruin the team, which he is almost certain to do. This can work for probably just about every team in baseball also. (Note: If you're worried about the ramifications of murder/collusion/attempted murder, you can probably just cut off their arms or something. Anything as long as they can never play again.)

5. The NBA is on! - We're actually just getting to the heart of the NBA season. Well, I actually consider the heart as the playoffs, because that's where everything is really interesting, but we're near the All-Star break, which is a little past the halfway point. There are a number of interesting story-lines to follow. Will Gilbert Arenas be the MVP? Is there any chance anyone can beat the Suns or the Mavericks? Who's the gay Net? Is it Vince Carter? Vince Carter? It's Vince Carter, isn't it? How good of a draft pick will the Knicks get hosed for this year?

6. Kill a hobo - It's not like you actually get charged with anything. Hobos are disappearing all the time. The police don't seem to care. It's a good way to practice your killing techniques too, just in case you ever get in a fight or something. And people say hobos are good for nothing.

So this is just a short list of things I will be doing to pass the time until March Madness, which is really the next great thing in sports that people actually care about.