What I would do for Super Bowl weekend

Obviously, I've never been to Miami, and I obviously don't have tickets to the Super Bowl because I don't have that kind of money. Instead I get to stay in lovely (read: miserable) central Illinois, soaking up all of the overcast, 6 degree days. I know, you're jealous.

But there are some lucky bastards out there who are going to the Super Bowl. They're going to be in Miami for the entire weekend, or possibly they've been there for the entire week. But they have absolutely no idea how to spend their time. So this is my gift to all of those ungrateful assholes lucky enough to be in Miami. Here is how you should spend your time there.

1. Hit the bars in all white. You never know when you're going to be at a bar and Diddy will walk in. He owns Miami. Now, say you're at some little podunk sports bar that's completely empty, and you're the only person there in all white. You'll feel like a jackass, right? And then who walks in? Diddy. And he'll see you and he'll immediately want to party. Trust me. If I know Diddy, which I don't, that is exactly what would happen.

2. Try the coke. I hear that there's cocaine all over Miami. If you don't try it, it's like you're missing out on a time-honored tradition. And, as I learned this morning while listening to Sports Bloggers Live from Tuesday, you want to make sure and get the shit that isn't cut with bleach. I would totally try the coke if I was there. I'm pretty sure I could do it and not even get addicted to it. And, hell, even if I did get addicted, I could use a little variation in my life, and I think a crippling addiction to cocaine could be just the thing I need. Unfortunately, I'm not in Miami, so I'll just have to live vicariously through everyone else.

3. Find a celebrity and harass the hell out of them. Everyone's in Miami for the Super Bowl. There are your biggest sports stars, celebrities who love to party, etc. I'm sure it wouldn't be hard to find one. Just wait outside of a popular bar, again, dressed in white (on the off chance that they don't let you in, but come on! You're dressed head to toe in white!) and when a celebrity/sports personality walks out, just follow them. Oh, sure, they may act like they're not interested in talking to you, but you know they totally are. They may even get 'restraining orders,' whatever those are, or call the police, or have their bodyguards/entourage beat you senseless, but trust me. They want you to fawn over them and they love the attention.

4. Befriend a celebrity. Of course not everyone in Miami is on top of the A-list. You're probably going to find a bunch of D-list celebrities, and lower, and they're going to be getting turned away from bars, and they're going to be buying their own drinks. Losers. This is where you come in. You tell them how much you respect their work, and how you think that they totally should have gotten that role that they read for in whatever piece of shit movie is popular and maybe they should fire their agent. You may have to listen to a bunch of bullshit, but it will be worth it. Why? Because chicks love celebrities. Any celebrities. If they even look like they might be semi-famous, or even look like they might be semi-famous, chicks, especially drunk, love celebrities. So maybe if you're lucky you'll your new celebrity friend will toss you some of his scraps. On second thought, maybe this isn't such a good idea. I mean, you've got your self-respect, right? Well, if you don't, then do this.

5. Hit up the Spring Hill Nursery. Why you ask? Well, if you are a loser and went to Miami for 'family fun' or to do something stupid like go look at flowers, then this is the best place you can go. Sure it's not technically in Miami, but it's probably close. Also, you should probably go here because if you end up in Miami, Ohio, and you're thinking you're going to see the Super Bowl, you're a retard and may want to consider killing yourself.

6. Hit up the Calder Race Horse Track. If you've been morning Barbaro, as I'm sure many, many people are, this is a great place to go and pay your last respects. Also, it's a good way to gamble on something. Since there's obviously nothing else going on in Miami this weekend that you could gamble on. Nope. Not a gambling hotspot this weekend. Not at all.

So I suggest you take my advice on how to spend your time wisely in Miami. Also, you may want to bring along a sober friend, because while you're drunk and/or coked out of your mind, you may not remember much except things that aren't happening, like being attacked by spiders. Be sure to take a lot of pictures, and get as many phone numbers as possible for "networking" as well. And never be afraid to look like a jackass, because, you know, you couldn't possibly look like a bigger jackass than most of a people who live there.

How to get Bears Super Bowl tickets

Some people may be getting tired of the fuss that fans in Chicago are making about the Bears going to the Super Bowl. Well, I'm not, but I could understand if those non-Bears fans outside of Chicago were getting tired of it. During baseball season, Chicago is divided up into Cubs fans and people who for some reason like the team on the south side of Chicago. So the Bears allow all of Chicago's fans to come together. And Chicago has been desperate for a championship since the great Bulls dynasty of the mid-90's. And you know that White Sox fans are especially desperate since the World Series was cancelled in 2005, resulting in both the Astros and the Sox becoming losers.

But the Bears are back. And with the possibility that this could be the last Bears team to make it to the Super Bowl for a while, fans are trying to do whatever they can to get tickets. People like this dude, a car salesman who will give away any vehicle up to $15,000 for 4 tickets. Or there's this contractor who will install hardwood floors for free.

I don't think these people are going far enough. I don't even think this person is going far enough, but they have the right idea. So it is with that in mind that I would like to list my suggestions for how you should go about getting Super Bowl tickets.

Body Parts - As I said, the person who would give away their kidney for a ticket had the right idea, but I still don't think it's going far enough. What about both kidneys? A kidney and a liver? Appendages? I think at least there should be a two organ minimum if you're going to trade something for a ticket to the Super Bowl. If not, you're just not desperate enough. Or you could just let them harvest your organs when you die. Some people may be too shortsighted for this though.

"I should be a bargaining chip"

Sell your child into slavery - Now I don't have a kid, but I think if I did, and I was that desperate for tickets, I would sell my child into slavery. I think that they would do the same thing to me if our roles were reversed. Of course, some people may not be satisfied with the amount of work a child would do. So you can also sell yourself into slavery. But, be sure to remind them, that a child will get bigger, and will probably be a much better slave than you would ever be.

Sell your body for sex - This one would be an easy one for me. Although you would have to come to an agreement about for how long you would be whoring yourself out. Also, you may want to decide how ugly you're willing to allow yourself to be sold to. The more desperate you are, the uglier you'll go. You also need to decide if you're going to allow yourself to be sold to a member of the same sex. Once you make the decision though, there's no going back. Also, ladies, you may want to bring in one of your friends for help. Not that I condone that sort of thing though. (Note: I totally condone it.) And please ladies: no uglies.

Sell your soul - Now with this one you have a couple of different options. You could write that you sold your soul through a binding contract, and just do it that way. Then, whoever holds the contract holds your soul. Of course, if you do that, you may be holding out hope that your soul really isn't in the contract, and that you still have it. Well, I've got some bad news for you. Or you could just sell your soul. I think I know someone who would be interested.

Commit a crime - You know that everyone thinks about committing crimes, but they're too scared to do it. That's where you come in. Say someone's been conspiring to kill their boss or their co-worker or something. And they just happen to have tickets to the Super Bowl. You take the tickets off their hands, kill the person and destroy the evidence, piece of cake. If, of course, you should happen to be caught, it is up to your discretion whether or not you give their name up to the police for making you kill someone.

So it should really be easy to get tickets to the Super Bowl if you want them. You just have to want them bad enough.

Super Bear down

What an amazing game for the Bears yesterday. At the beginning of this season, I actually never thought that the Bears would seriously make the Super Bowl, although, of course, it was something I was hoping for. It's just that since I've been alive and able to understand the concept of sports (and stop using diapers, which, surprisingly, only recently occurred) the only team that I've ever expected to win a championship has been the Bulls. Sure in 2003 I hoped the Cubs would make the World Series in 2003, and once the Illini started kicking ass 2004-2005 they were the best team in the nation and I knew they'd make the championship game. But, hands down, beginning to end of the season World Champion expectations only come from the Bulls. Hell, the Bears have barely been able to scrap their way to a playoff win that I can remember.

But yesterday was such an awesome game on so many levels.

First, special teams was much improved. To get a turnover (Adrian Peterson is terribly underutilized on offense, but he has almost as much impact on special teams) was absolutely huge. Not only that, the coverage (on kickoffs especially) was much improved, Hester failed to fumble any kicks, and even Brad Maynard had a pretty awesome day. He did have some terrible kicks, but, as opposed to last week where he really only had 2 good kicks, he had AT LEAST 3 absolutely stellar kicks. And Robbie Gould was automatic all day.

Second, blitz protection was much better. Rex on the whole had more time to throw than he did against the Seahawks, and I think that is both a credit to the offensive line and to Cedric Benson's improvement and increase playing time.

I think playcalling was weak in the first half, especially in the first quarter. It was pretty weak all the way up until Rex overthrew Desmond Clark in the endzone. That play was perfect, and Rex just missed it. From that point on though, aside from the final two plays on that drive, the playcalling was much improved. There was, of course, the mix up at the end of the first half, and game management continues to be a weak point for either Rex, Lovie, or both, not to mention lining up with three seconds left in the first quarter, but those ultimately didn't screw us over. I guess, let me make an addendum to the playcalling. We absolutely blew in the third quarter. We get the safety, then go three and out. Our defense was the game saver in the third quarter, because offensively we played like we weren't interested in scoring any more. So, I guess if you take into account the second and fourth quarters, and parts of the first, playcalling was much improved. Or, maybe it wasn't really that improved.

But the use of both Jones and Cedric Benson was amazing. Jones was obviously ineffective on the first drive. Benson, however, was not. It seems as if the coaching staff finally realized that mixing the two up made them that much more dangerous. I think it's rare to see a player with the power of Benson who also has breakaway speed combined with a player who has the elusiveness of TJ. I still don't like him, but shit he ran well yesterday. I love mixing the two backs up.

The defensive line was just a beast yesterday. Mark Anderson continues to make Jerry Angelo look like a fucking genius, and he is just all over the place. Getting to Brees so early in the game I think was a huge factor. It was a huge momentum swing. But it wasn't just that. The line stepped up time and time again, getting TWO intentional grounding calls and overall just giving Brees more pressure than he'd seen in a while.

I think it speaks volumes about this team's versatility in that either the offense or the defense can provide a lift when the other needs it. Towards the end of the season the defense started to struggle, yet the Bears managed to win. Yesterday, the third quarter was basically non-existent for the Bears offense, and yet after that safety everything turned completely around. Well, a couple of drives after that for the offense. But with the defensive momentum came the offensive.

I for one am totally cool with being underdogs to the Colts. We were underdogs to the Saints; look how that turned out. Here's what we know about the Colts: their run defense has been pretty weak, although very solid in the playoffs. Can that continue? Also, we know that their ends are strong, but their tackles can be pretty weak. We also know that they have amazing receivers, which could play to our weakness. But, at least in my opinion, the Colts are really soft, as were the Saints receivers. If they come out and get lit up once or twice, that could impact the game in a huge way.

I'm not going to speculate much on the Super Bowl because there's tons of time for that. I was just so impressed with the way the Bears came out and took the lead early yesterday, and then, while initially letting the Saints back in, the closed the door big time. It probably helped that we could run all over them, but I'm not so sure we can't do the same thing to the Colts.

Holy shit, the Bears are in the Super Bowl.