What do I do now?

Now that my wounds have healed from the Bears loss in the Super Bowl (I'm awfully fickle), it's time to look ahead in this sports year of 2007. The Super Bowl just ended, the Pro Bowl(!) is just a couple days away, pitchers and catchers report in just over a week. But how are you supposed to fill in the spaces? Nobody cares about the Pro Bowl, and just beause pitchers and catchers report doesn't really mean anything. But here's how I plan on filling in the gaps.

1. Major coke/alcohol binge - I have developed a new method of time-travel, patent pending, in which I drink a lot of alcohol and then I don't remember anything when I wake up. So the alcohol would be for time-travel. The coke however, is to make the time (that I won't remember) go faster. Also, I could really use that two week coke-binge to do something good, like clean my apartment 45 times.

2. Watch college basketball - As an Illini fan, it's my job to root for the Illini. It's not so much root for the Illini as dread any sort of loss that will completely destroy their season. Tonight they play at Northwestern. Northwestern is terrible, and yet I'm not confident that the Illini will blow them out, which is what they should do. Following that there are games at Indiana and Iowa. I'm almost positive we'll lose to Indiana but the Iowa game is the real terror. Iowa is a shitty team, and yet they beat Indiana. So I'll be spending this time basically waiting for the Illini to fall apart, while secretly hoping that they don't. Anyways, if you don't have any rooting interests in college basketball, the least you could do is watch every game Texas and Ohio State play, and then draw your own conclusions about the better player to draft would be or why. Or at least watch Kevin Durant's domination of the college game. Your call. Well, the least you could do would be nothing at all.

3. Watch hockey - Hey! They play hockey still. Good for the NHL. I really don't watch hockey, but if you do, then good for you. You can spend this break between popular sports by rooting for your favorite teams. If there's anything I remember from playing NHL 94, it's that the Hartford Whalers were a can't-lose team. I bet they're destined for great things this season as well.

4. Help fix your favorite baseball team - Maybe you're not entirely happy with your team's offseason moves. I've been very vocal on here about how much the Cubs signing Jason Marquis sucks. It sucks so bad. Well, why not help them modify their roster? How can you do this? You can put a hit out on Jason Marquis. If he "mysteriously" doesn't report to spring training, then he can't ruin the team, which he is almost certain to do. This can work for probably just about every team in baseball also. (Note: If you're worried about the ramifications of murder/collusion/attempted murder, you can probably just cut off their arms or something. Anything as long as they can never play again.)

5. The NBA is on! - We're actually just getting to the heart of the NBA season. Well, I actually consider the heart as the playoffs, because that's where everything is really interesting, but we're near the All-Star break, which is a little past the halfway point. There are a number of interesting story-lines to follow. Will Gilbert Arenas be the MVP? Is there any chance anyone can beat the Suns or the Mavericks? Who's the gay Net? Is it Vince Carter? Vince Carter? It's Vince Carter, isn't it? How good of a draft pick will the Knicks get hosed for this year?

6. Kill a hobo - It's not like you actually get charged with anything. Hobos are disappearing all the time. The police don't seem to care. It's a good way to practice your killing techniques too, just in case you ever get in a fight or something. And people say hobos are good for nothing.

So this is just a short list of things I will be doing to pass the time until March Madness, which is really the next great thing in sports that people actually care about.

Doing the Super Bowl the right way

This was a crazy weekend. I think I did something that I haven't done since I graduated college, and even then I'm not so sure I didn't clearly do it much better. I don't want to give away too much too soon though.

So I pick up Muffy in Bloomington around 5 on Friday afternoon, so I've got a little company for the drive to the city. This actually made the drive much more enjoyable, and we made really good time although it seemed to go pretty slowly. We completely avoided traffic which was awesome. While we were on our way to the city we realized we had no idea where we were staying. I thought we were staying one place, Muffy thought we were staying at another. I think everyone had a different idea of where we were staying. Anyways, we finally got it all figured out. We didn't do much on Friday night aside from not eat dinner, then I started drinking pretty heavily and we watched The Prestige. I give the movie a big MEH. I got drunk, we watched the movie, we went to get pizza, I was forced to watch Grey's Anatomy, I passed out. I also passed out for a while during the movie too. Excuse me for not sleeping well and not eating dinner and getting drunk. Anyways, sidenote: Grey's Anatomy is such a terrible show. And Ellen Pompeo looks like ass. And Sandra Oh! looks like some sort of a mix between a llama and a dog. She's a llama-dog. She walked into a bar and the bartender was like, "Hey, why the long face?"

So, I'm not entirely sure what time we woke up on Saturday. I think it was fairly early. 9:30 or so. That sounds about right. We laid around for most of the morning, and then we finally started getting around. We went to go see Smokin' Aces at 2, and we had yet to have lunch. So that means that Muffy and I didn't have dinner and we didn't have lunch. The movie got over around 4, and then we went to Target. We were there for a while, and we decided we'd make dinner and make tacos. Of course, there's shit for tacos at Target. Also, I fucking hate Target. So then we left and went to Jewel to get shit for tacos. Following that we finally got home and had lunch/dinner whatever you want to call it. One meal for the day. And drinking began during it. So there was much drinking before we headed out at 10 to Belly's. At Belly's we got the $25 special for free drinks from 10-1. I have absolutely no idea how much I'd drank before we went out, but there was quite a bit. So anyways, we got there and I just drank beer the whole night. Well, Brooke showed up around 10:30. We sat around and played asshole for a while, and red/black/high/low, because there wasn't much to do at the bar besides watch the Bulls win and drink. Around 12:45 or so, Brooke said she needed to leave and that she was too drunk to stay any more. She also said she thought she'd be sick if she stayed much longer and was worried about puking in the cab. That was the last I'd heard of her that night. Around 1:15 or 1:30, Muffy wanted to dance, so we all headed to some after-hours bar. That place was skeevy. Is that accurate enough to describe it? Well, we were there until about 3:30 or so, then went home and passed out a little after 4.

Now, I woke up at 10 on Sunday morning. I was still completely drunk. Apparently I opened up a beer when we got home on Saturday night, but I only drank about 2/5 of it. Anyways, I woke up at 10, found out how Brooke's night ended (pukily), showered, opened the first beer at 10:41 and finished it before 11. This is how my Super Bowl Sunday began. We went to Costco and Jewel, and then came back home and started making food. Well, the people who were cooking made it. I just sat around and drank. At 2 we started watching Puppy Bowl 3 and then we played Loaded Questions. I don't remember any specific questions that were mistakes to ask, but I'm sure there were some. Anyways, I bet that the kickoff would not happen before 5:29, and I ended up losing $10 on that. I was sure to go double or nothing during the remainder of the game, but that never happened. I came out even for the day, as I won $25 but lost a $10 bet and paid $15 on squares which allowed me to win $25. So anyways, following the game, most of us were disappointed, but that didn't stop me from drinking. We watched Idiocracy which didn't look very good, although I probably passed out for about 30 minutes of it or so, and then we followed that up with watching Old School. It was like 1:15 or so when we went to bed that night. I eventually stopped drinking when I passed out during Idiocracy, but in no way was I sober when I went to sleep. So I was effectively drunk all day Super Bowl Sunday.

Woke up Monday at 10 again. I was dying of thirst and sober, but I was not hungover in the least. Monday of course was the first time I'd been sober since Saturday. Awesome. At one point in the morning I went to the bathroom in Dumpy's room because someone was in the other bathroom. As I flushed the toilet, I noticed the water rising. Hmm, interesting. Why is it going up when it should be going down? Then it started nearing the edge, and I thought, oh shit. This is bad. You haven't lived unless you've plunged someone else's toilet after not leaving anything behind to clog it, and I was about to live for the first time.

I jammed the plunger in as the water started pouring out. One plunge, two plunges. Nothing. I think in all I plunged four or five times and then the water finally went down. Surprisingly, walking out of someone's bathroom and saying "I need towels; the toilet overflowed" is kind of embarassing. I managed to get the whole thing cleaned up, and because I was so quick on my feet, there wasn't that much to clean up. And then I washed the skin off my hands just to make sure I was clean.

So that's how you do a Super Bowl weekend. You wake up drunk on Sunday and drink all day, then take Monday off. Except, uh, try and make sure your team wins.