Happy New Year Bitches

I had to come into work this week. But it was far from a typical week. Basically no one has been around, and there hasn't been a whole lot to do. I was told that I could come in if I needed to get things done. Well, basically I only had work to fill all of two days. And I use the term 'fill all of' loosely.

Also, I took off early last Friday, as there was, again, very little to do and basically no one around. So I didn't have time to get up my weekly list of who has been put on notice. So, I think that means I successfully made one week of my On Notice list in a row before the streak ended.

Anyways, I'm taking off tomorrow also, since I don't have anything to do. But, don't you dare think I'm forgetting to do the On Notice list this week. If you think that, you're a bastard.

So without any further ado, here it is:

New to the list:

RERUNS. Fuck I hate reruns. My life is boring and TV makes it less boring and gives me something to fill my time. I don't need to see things I've already seen before. If I wanted to see them, I'd watch them on my DVR. So thanks for nothing all of you episodes of reruns for the past 2 weeks. You're on notice.

'This is our country' I hate that fucking commercial. The song is absolutely terrible. It's almost bad enough that John Coogar Mellencamp deserves his own spot on notice. He's close, trust me. But I love how Chevy is just trying to capitalize and profit on everything American in the past, including terrible things. I love it in the way that I absolutely loathe it. There's nothing that makes me want to buy a truck more than 9/11 footage. Fuck you Chevy. I'd rather have my eyes stabbed out repeatedly for thirty seconds that see/hear that commercial. Wait. I'd rather have my eyes stabbed out and placed in my ears. At least I wouldn't be able to see or hear the commercial. So, Chevy/John Mellencamp/'This is our country', you're on notice.

Cubs for the week

I used to love the week after Christmas. I got to play with all the new toys I got, and I didn't have anything to do. At all. I wasn't worried about New Year's because one of my friends or I would have people over that night. And there would be much youthful shenanigans. Even as I grew up, I still loved having absolutely nothing to do for a week. What's that? Sure, I'd love 2 weeks of no classes. Thanks.

And now today. I'm stuck at work with very little to do, and I'm positive it's nothing that couldn't wait an extra couple of days. And a ton of people are actually not at work at all. So when I'm reading online blogs, it's much harder to find entertainment with no new material.

Speaking of no new material, I present to you the Cubs. Still have Jason Marquis on the roster, eating up $21 million over the next three years. I consider him like a black hole. He eats that $21 million, and he also sucks all talent from the pitching staff. He is worthless and I will probably never be happy with him on the team.

Hendry has done a pretty good job of improving the offense. I have no problem with the Soriano deal. None. Hell, if the Cubs are shitty for a year or two his name may come up in trade rumors and I doubt we'd need to eat much of the salary. So I'm not worried about length. And we obviously have the money for it.

DeRosa could be an awesome signing too. Here we get a dude for roughly what we paid Mike Remlinger who's younger, plays everyday and is much more versatile. I think when we evaluate what he can do for us, we should always keep in mind Mike Remlinger. And if he doesn't play like he should, Theriot will be waiting.

My problem with Hendry is that he seems to get so caught up in being in love with a player that all logic and sensibility goes out the window. And when I say 'being in love with a player,' I mean that he is truly in love with the player. You know. In the gay way. Players like this include Neifi Perez, um, possibly Glendon Rusch. Basically everyone whose contract he extended way before necessary.

There is absolutely no reason to spend so much money on Shitty Marquis. We totally outbid ourselves, and all we needed to do was give him 1 year, $3 million. If he doesn't take it, fuck him. (This of course obviously pre-supposes that we were destined to sign Marquis, which sucks for us anyways, because Hendry was absolutely head over heels in love. I would have never offered him a contract in the first place, but then again, I try to follow baseball and understand it, so that's probably where Hendry and I differ.)

Then you've got Cliff Floyd. Since he was with the Marlins there were rumors he would be a Cub. At least going back to the 2000 season, there were rumors the Cubs wanted him in left field, or that he would be involved in a deal to get Sosa out of Chicago.

Cliff Floyd was a solid player back in 2000. I would have been glad to have him. Even when Sosa was dealt, I think I would have been fine with getting back Cliff Floyd in the deal (he would have been much better than Hairston). But it's not 2004. It's not 2000. It's going to be the 2007 season.

Cliff Floyd hit around .266 last year (I checked the actual stat a while ago and can't remember the actual number, but I was incorrect when I first implied he hit in the .240s). He was also hurt for a large portion of the year.

We all know what Matt Murton did last year, as I can't stop talking about it in this argument. So why do we need Cliff Floyd to platoon with Murton? Please, please can't someone clear up this egregious mistake of an idea?

Here's what we need to do. I will be fine if we bring in Cliff Floyd, assuming we trade Jacque Jones. Trade Jacque to anyone who will take him, try to bring back a starter. Then look for a center fielder. Soriano can probably play it, but if we can find better, then why wouldn't we? Oh, yeah, we're the Cubs.

I'm getting nervous now that Hendry has gotten complacent with this team. Much like how he was most of last season. 'Oh, Derrek Lee will be out for months with an injury? Well, we'll see how we perform before I do anything about it.' He's complained before about how hard it is to get a deal done early in the season, but if we're without a center fielder, what is he going to do?

So. Let's trade Marquis to the Nationals for Ryan Church, and we'll pay $3 million/year of Marquis's contract. Hell, we'll pay $4 million/year. It's still less than what we'd pay if we actually had him. Church becomes our starting center fielder, Soriano in right, Murton in left.

Let's trade Neifi 2 and Jacque Jones to the Indians for Jake Westbrook. Or the Orioles for, say, Erik Bedard, or one of their dude's who still seemingly has potential. Wait, scratch that Orioles suggestion. Trade those two for whoever will take them and give us back a pitcher with low walk totals. That's all I need.

Then our infield has Ramirez, DeRosa/Theriot/Cedeno in some combination up the middle and DLee. Our rotation is Zambrano, Lilly, Hill, Miller/Prior/Marshall/Cotts/Marmol/Guzman/Ryu/Mateo battle it out for the final two spots. And, please put the young guys on a pitch count! I'm normally against pitch counts, but the fewer times they throw 120 pitches the better.

So there. It's simple.

Night out at home

I'm am not a cold, heartless robot, made of steel and devoid of all emotion. That is the reason I was home for Christmas. At my parents' house. Well, that and the emotionally stressful situation of dealing with relatives I hadn't seen in years. And trust me, it was emotionally terrible.

So, following the emotionally terrible afternoon, my sister said she had made plans with her friend, Devin (that is most definitely not his name, but he was trashed and said he wanted to be referred to as such, so I'm just fulfilling his wishes). Devin was home for the holidays as well, and he's from Kewanee. Those of you not familiar with Kewanee would be interested to know that it is both the home of Good's Furniture, the only furniture store to use an extremely bland adjective in its title, and it is the hog capital of the word. Other than that, there is not too much of note.

We got over to Devin's place around 7:30 and my sister and I needed some dinner, so we got some. When we got back was when the drinking started. Shortly after my second beer, Steve Smith showed up (he wanted to be referred to as such also).

So we finished most of the beer that we had, and then decided it was time to head out and brave being around the locals of Kewanee. The first bar we went to was absolutely packed and there was a shitty band playing. While we were waiting, someone (I think my sister) noted that most of the people there looked like college kids. Not being too far removed from college I was slightly offended, but it passed when I couldn't get a beer fast enough. So we moved on from that bar to the next.

Now, to revisit a story from this summer. The last (and only other) time I was out in Kewanee with my sister and Devin a couple of their other friends had also shown up. One friend in particular got very drunk, and he was also trying to network for his up-and-coming button monopoly. At one point someone made him drop his drink, and a fight nearly ensued. I tried to help the situation, and was insulted, so then I started talking to the redneck inbred local who apparently wanted to fight me as well. Luckily I didn't have to get my ass beat. Also, luckily, the friend who nearly got in a fight was not present this time, thus almost definitely insuring a more low-key night.

Back to the story. Kewanee is not that big, so there aren't that many young people around. The first bar we went to had a surprising number of people around my age there. However, the second bar did not. However, at one point Steve Smith met a girl whom he had decided would be his wife. (Sidenote: not a whole lot happened at the bar, except for my sister spilling her drink for absolutely no reason (she was also driving home).)

Steve Smith was not happy when his future wife decided to leave with her friends (just to clear up, Steve Smith is not from Kewanee) and go to the first bar we were at and subsequently left. We stayed at our bar for a while, until he could take it no more and needed to go in search of his future wife. So we headed back to the first bar.

Oddly, we saw 4 cops in the alley between bars, but none of them stopped us for ID's or public drunkenness or anything. We walked back into the first bar, Steve Smith made a pass to look for his wife, I tried to get a beer, Devin and my sister just stood and waited I guess.

Unfortunately, Steve Smith didn't see his future wife. So then we headed back to the second bar. It should be pointed out that Steve Smith had about half of a red bull and vodka (red bull and something at least) left when we went back to search for his wife. We got back and his drink was still there on the bar, so he picked it back up and kept drinking.

We finally decided to end the night and go in search of pancakes. We didn't have to look far, because I believe there was only one place open in Kewanee after midnight. And let's just say this place isn't the cleanest place you've ever been to. I'm pretty sure it switched management a few years ago (at least once) when it was deemed unsanitary by the Health Department. Well, anyways, the breakfast was awesome, our waittress was creepy, but I didn't get my bacon.

We all finished (my sister didn't eat) and who should walk in, but the future Mrs. Steve Smith. He mentioned something to her about going to the bar she was at but he didn't see her. Then she went to sit down with the people she came with, and we walked outside.

Steve Smith got in the car and decided he should get his wife's number. So he walked back inside to get it from her. We could see through the window as he looked for her table, appeared to find it, turned around, got out his cell phone, and then came back to the car. Apparently he saw the two dudes she was with and decided that he couldn't forgive her for that, and therefore she is no longer the future Mrs. Steve Smith.

So it was a pretty fun, surprisingly pancake-filled night, and fortunately (for everyone probably) there were no fights. I don't plan on making a habit of going back though.

Who buys these things?

I was in Barnes & Noble last night buying some books for myself (I'm always in the spirit for giving to myself) and I was waiting in line to pay. As I'm waiting, I noticed the table full of daily calendars next to me. Just from the covers of two of these calendars, a part of me died inside. So, I thought that I would share some of these calendars, and then rip off Christian Finnegan (sort of) and describe who would buy these calendars.

Cat Naps. Oh boy. This wasn't even the first insane one I saw. Anyways, the people who buy these (or the Pooped Puppy alternative) are lonely. And sleeping animals makes them happy. For some reason. Also, I think if someone buys the Cat Naps one, they are just one step removed from being a crazy cat lady. Puppies on the other hand are awesome. I have no desire to see them sleeping, as I'd rather have one, but, puppies are awesome.

Daily Planetary Guide. NERD.

Your Best Life Now. You're not a necessarily happy person, but you may be. However, you are completely gullible. You buy into all of the self-help, life coach bullshit. I guarantee all of the things that are in this calendar are things you've heard before, but because they come from some jackass trying to profit off of them, you're going to take them to heart? Doubt it. How about instead of buying into this shit, you actually go read something that can help make you more intelligent? Or go sky-diving.

Light Houses. You are sooo boring. Looking at pictures of light houses for some reason inspires you. The only reason you should own this is in case you actually want to travel to see these in real life. Or you have a light house fetish, and I don't even want to start to think about what that means.

Common Errors in English Usage. Haha, you probably received this as a gift. If not, congratulations for trying to better yourself. But back to my initial point, if you received this gift, you are either two types of person. 1.) You are a self-confident jackass who tries to use big words to sound smart, but really you just say things like 'irregardless' which isn't a word at all, or 2.) your friends have trouble understanding what you talk about. If you're number 2, then your friends care about you, but it will result much less laughter at your expense in the future. If you're number 1, you're probably not going to get it anyways.

Stuff on My Cat. CRAZY CAT LADY!!!!!

Bad Girls. You are a pervert. You bought this thinking you were going to get something very sexy, and you saw the title. I've got some bad news for you guy...

Beading. You are either a hippie, an African tribesman, druggie, or crazy 12 year old girl who thinks beads are cool. I don't think this would even be an acceptable gift for an African tribesman judging from the cover, so I have a hard time believing there's a market for this kind of thing.

West Highland White Terriers. Ok, I like dogs. However, this is just too specific. These dogs are probably all dressed up, and they're probably all dressed up by their owners who have no kids. So, if you like dogs dressed up, you probably also have no kids of your own. And you never will if you own this.

George W. Bushisms. You may actually be able to think for yourself. Congratulations, I'm impressed.

Napoleon Dynamite. You are well, well behind the times. This movie came out, what, 2 years ago? Watch out, soon you'll hear about this thing called a video iPod. It's real!

Cartoons from The New Yorker. Ok, in all honesty, I get the New Yorker. And I never understand the cartoons. In one issue they explained some cartoons, and I didn't think they were that funny and/or a that biting of a commentary on society. If you get this, you are smarter than me, but probably not as funny. But much, much smarter. And probably much more successful. Or you at least want to appear as such.

Hatbox Mini. No no no no no. No. Only crazy old hat ladies would get this. And crazy old hat ladies need to be stopped.

Horoscope - Libra. If you get this, you are a loser. You take way too much stock in what the 'stars' say is going to happen to you, and then you read way too much into little things just so you believe your horoscope is coming true. I suggest you get a life. Dave Barry has a daily calendar. Buy it instead. Please.

Shoes Gallery. Just what I always wanted! Pictures of shoes I don't and can't have! It's perfect!

Nascar Facts. Simple redneck. Seriously, when do you ever get to see cars driving?? It's not like it happens everyday or anything.

Anne Geddes Inspirational. Do you watch The Office? Do you know the character Angela? This is probably something she would love. I picture women like her buying this. Single, they love babies because they want one, but they will never have one. But for some reason or another looking at a baby in some sort of pea pod? makes them get through their day. That's it. There it is. I've just lost all hope for humanity.

The days are getting longer; your family still hates you

Yes, December 21 has passed, and so has the shortest day of the year. I actually despise December 21 for many reasons, but the most significant reason is because it is so short. I hate short things. Don't even get me started on little people*.

So with the holiday season approaching-actually you could probably say it's already here I guess-I thought I'd give everyone a little translator to what your family's reaction mean when you see those relatives you haven't seen in years because you were temporarily cut off from all contact once they saw you doing that thing with the thing.

They don't really respond to anything you say.

This probably means that they are having trouble thinking of anything polite to say. They are probably biting their tongue to rip into you for throwing away all of that money on that Viagra scam, but they won't do it at family time (that's some inner strength, by the way). Or, maybe they just don't like you enough to even make any sort of attempt at banter. Which is really their loss, because you're quite the clever banterist (it's a word). In particular, your ability to work the word 'shit' into every single conversation in a comical way is your most clever attribute, but for some reason they don't want to engage. Better leave them alone.

They will respond to you, but their voice sounds nasally.

This could mean one of two things. Either you've got some major halitosis or you've got a bad case of BO. You might want to put on some extra cologne this holiday season; you don't want your family to think you're smelly. Another obvious sign of stinking is that for Christmas they often give you soap and/or gum/mints/mouthwash, etc. They're trying to be polite in a not so subtle way. You stink. Take a shower. Smelly.

No one will make eye contact during conversation.

At least they're talking to you, right? I'm afraid this is another bad one. This means that either you have something hideously disgusting in your nose, teeth, on your face, or they just find you hideously disgusting in general. Make sure to check your teeth for huge chunks of cabbage, and use a napkin and such. And maybe a kleenex once or twice, ok? Also, maybe try actually using a fork when you're eating instead of just shoving your face directly into your food. That will prevent you from getting food all over your face in general. However, I've got some bad news for that too ugly to look at thing. Can't really cure that one. Maybe get a mask, or put on some sort of Santa Beard and sunglasses. That way they won't be able to see your lazy eye(s) or painfully large facial birthmark.

No one asks anything about what you did.

This means that your family is obviously very conceited. All they want to do is talk about themselves rather than listen to you drone on about what you've done the past year. However, I don't know if I can really blame them. You talk in such a monotone. And really, people don't want to hear about all the failed business ventures you've had in the past year. "Well, first I hung out at the dog tracks for about 4 weeks, but that wasn't really leading me anywhere, so I hit up casinos for about 2 months. Then one of my business partners mentioned something about selling bees. Surprisingly there's not much of a market for pet bees, so here I am." Maybe you should try making up some semi-successful lies about yourself. Say that you haven't been in jail 4 times in the past 8 months. Even though it's not true, they might believe it.

You didn't expect to see your family.

Uh oh. I've got some really bad news for you now. Well, both good and bad news. The first is that your family apparently cares for you. Which is surprising. The bad news is that they're all there for an intervention. They're worried about your addiction to alcohol/gambling/porn/underage girls/coke/gumballs/cherry flavored Pepsi/making your own ninja movies with poor plots and poor stunts and that it's ruining your life. If you see this, you better just turn and run the other way because they're not going to leave you alone until you check into rehab. And believe me, homemade ninja movie rehab is not a place you would even want your worst enemies to go to. So many throwing stars...

Everyone watches intently as you eat your food.

Well, they've poisoned you. If you're lucky, it will just knock you out and you'll wake up back at home. If you're not so lucky, they want you dead. The best thing to do would just be to try to get everyone to leave the table, and then switch around everyone's plates so they don't know whose food is poisoned. I guess you don't have to get them to leave, but it may look kind of strange when you switch 15 plates around. But hey, you're saving your own life. They won't kill you that easily.

The uncle you didn't think was crazy continues to make throat-slashing signals in your direction.

At first you thought it was funny, but he keeps doing it. This either means that he is crazy or that he wants you dead. Or maybe everyone wants you dead, but he's just giving you the heads up so you freak out about it. I would watch my step if I were you.

No one lets you anywhere near your young nieces/nephews/cousins.

Apparently they think you're going to do something 'inappropriate' in front of them. For some reason your family doesn't appreciate when you try wrestling moves on the little ones. Also, they say it's 'inappropriate' to sit around in a speedo while watching tv. Whatever, if they want to live like it's Communist China, that's their prerogative. Apparently that young girls addiction didn't make them more lenient for either, surprisingly. Also, I don't think they approve of you teaching the young ones the names of disgusting sexual acts and what they mean. What a bunch of dictators.

So this should serve as a heads up to know what to do when you see these reactions. Perhaps you can even prevent some of these problems from occurring. Except the speedo thing. That's just how you roll.

*I'm just kidding, I love little people. I think everyone should have one**
**That was totally out of line, but meh, I doubt anyone cares

This season could suck for the Illini

I missed the first 10 minutes or so of the Illini game last night, but I knew we were playing Idaho State, so I'm positive it's no big deal. And, of course, I was not happy with what I saw. So I'll just review some of my thoughts on the game.

Glad we sucked a lot. How anyone is down at any point in a game to Idaho State is beyond me, let alone a team like Illinois (who should definitely be ranked in my opinion). Seriously, on offense we were doing nothing but allowing Rich McBride to take shitty shots, and on defense we were letting this dude with a crazy shot make everyting. They're assists leader had 2 fucking assists with 5 minutes left in the game. That means at most every other person had one. So we were getting beat off the dribble. That's shitty on the ball defense.

Rich McBride can't make a shot. All he's good for is shooting. He'll make maybe his first two shots of the game, maybe three, then he'll miss for the rest of the game. It's like clockwork. 'Oh, second half? McBride shoots, and misses, there's a shock.' Also, he can't defend quicker guards. He can get taken off the dribble too easily. And then there's still the argument about his lack of motion IN THE MOTION OFFENSE. I don't see what his deal is, but I think he's just too stupid to understand. Maybe he just spends a lot of time in the game thinking about getting another DUI. (Ok, that was a low blow, but he needs to stop sucking ass.)

Brian Randle is good. However, he seems reluctant to take a shot. There were at least 3 or 4 times last night when the ball got reversed to him and he was wide open, but you could tell he wasn't even thinking about shooting the ball. I think I saw him take one shot from outside the paint, a three with the shot clock expiring, and he drained it. I don't like seeing him hit the ground hard every game and then come up limping. Another thing is that while his defense is stellar, every now and then he just gets slightly lazy and he'll slap a guy (or like last night, hold a guy who is trying to post up 18 feet from the basket). That is why he continues to get into foul trouble. If he could stop with the ticky tack fouls, he would be on the floor that much longer, and if he's on the floor we're better for it.

Fucking Marcus Arnold. Arnold is no better than our 4th post option. Seriously, it should go Pruitt, Carter, Carlwell. Then, if two of those three must be out of the game, Randle moves to a four. Then, if Randle also needs to leave, you put Calvin Brock at 4. Then if all of them are in foul trouble, you go with Marcus Arnold. He's a terrible defender, he's slow, he's worthless, he can't jump more than 3 inches off the ground, so he can't rebound, and he is too short to get shots off inside (because he can't jump either). Also, he's a shitty fifth-year senior. Who will not be going to the NBA. Don't really need to play him for any reason at all. Worthless.

Our offense against the zone looked shitty until Calvin Brock came in with about 10 minutes left in the game. Seriously, the way to beat a zone is dribble penetration and skip passes. It's not that hard. I'm not a coach, and I know that. I also haven't played since I was a sophomore in high school, and I still know that. All Illinois was doing last night was passing the ball around the perimeter slowly. Oh, another way to beat a zone is to overload one side of the floor. Then skip it to the other side. Or get the ball to the middle. The motion offense isn't designed for use against zone offenses. That's fine. But we need something that will work. Also, against a zone, you usually get a lot of threes. Well, Rich McBride sure can't make them if it's the second half, so exactly what is he in for?

Last year the first time I saw Chester Frazier I thought he looked like a Deron Williams type of player. He doesn't run the offense as well, and from what I've seen, he doesn't create his own shot the way Deron could. Then again, he's only a sophomore. And Deron turned his game around phenomenally. So I don't know if it's insane to think that Chet could be the top PG in the Big Ten his senior year. Also, I like the options that McCamey will give us next year, assuming Weber actually plays him, unlike he does with Carlwell. Sidenote: CARLWELL NEEDS TO PLAY. If he can't play against cupcakes, how is he supposed to get coomfortable enough to contribute against good teams? Seriously Weber, what is up with that.

A win is a win, regardless, and if anything this points out a lot of weak points that need to be addressed. We just have Xavier left, so definitely from here on out, every game is meaningful. Hopefully we won't have any of those slow starts like we had, we'll be able to pick up our defensive intensity (which is always a Bruce Weber staple) and we'll be able to blow out the teams we should definitely be blowing out. Also, we might as well just win out and run the table in the Big Ten tourney so we can get a Top 3 seed in the NCAA tournament.

Stranded in an airport?

There was this huge blizzard in the CO right? And people are stranded in the airport, and people are saying that they're basically going to be stuck there until TOMORROW at like 12:00pm.

Well, I've spent time stranded in an airport (not for days, but for hours) and I've also been stuck waiting around in an Amtrak station, so I feel like I may be able to give some solid pointers as to how to pass the time.

1. Find a friend. You need to have someone who you can make snide comments to, and someone you can make comments about other people to. This will help time go by quickly, as if you have a friend with you while you're making comments about how someone looks, you don't need to explain their ridiculous travelling attire.

2. Barter. Try to accumulate random shit from other people. Or possibly food, since you'll be stranded for a while. Say, I'll give you 3 of my buttons if you'll give me that little doll. Sidenote: this is especially useful at Christmas in case you haven't finished your Christmas shopping. But, if you have a little cousin/daughter/niece/young child/adult friend who acts way too much like a child for anyone to be entirely comfortable with, you can bring them something when you get off the plane.

3. Gamble. You can gamble on lots of things at the airport. Who is going to be the first person to cry after talking to the people at the ticket counter? How many times will that person cry throughout the time stranded? Which old lady is going to make a racist comment way too loudly? Which old lady is going to get on her cell phone that she's not entirely sure how to work and have an extremely loud conversation, and then look around awkwardly when that conversation is over? Which employee is going to flip out on a customer first? The possibilities are really endless.

4. Make up some sort of game or competition. The outcome of this game can also be gambled on. How many things can you hit that snoring dude with before he wakes up. Whoever gets more wins. Extra points for heavier things. Who can get a stranger to believe the more ludicrous story. For this one, I suggest that you come up with a basic storyline that is generally ridiculous, but then each player has to come up with the details on their own. "Oh, I'm headed home to celebrate Christmas with my Satanist parents. They don't actually live in Dallas, they live well outside of Dallas in a colony that has not yet been recognized by the state of Texas. But they will recognize it. Oh yes. They will, soon enough." See, the details of the story are about the parents, where they live, etc. Really I think that would be an awesome game and I may just start doing that with strangers in general.

5. Read. I'm not going to lie, I can't believe I just suggested people do that. But people are too stupid, and I think reading (and I'm not talking about People, although nothing against anyone I know who reads people (I don't think)) would help that problem. Speaking of, I really want to read the Odd Thomas books. Just saying.

6. Make friends with an employee. If something is going to happen, the employees are going to be just about the first people to know. And if they are attractive it's even better. Because then it's not painful to look at them. And we all know that you're shallow enough to like attractive people more than the uglies. But, uh, as I was saying, employees will be quick to know something. Then you can choose to either repeat that, or slightly exaggerate it, and then play a little game of telephone and see how distorted it is when it gets back to you. Also, the employees may have an inside scoop on someone to ridicule behind their backs.

Hey, it could be a long time before you're able to leave. Gotta do something to pass the time.

Questions to ask before marriage

I was reading one of the many blogs that I frequent daily at work, and I came across this interesting topic. Here is the link to the blog; I forget what the guy's name is. If only there was something to remind me...

Anyways, I thought it was really funny. So I'm going to copy his idea, except I'm just going to use my own answers, instead of the "right" and "honest" answers.

1. Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is to be the primary caregiver?

Uh, seriously, have we discussed it? I must have blocked it out. Or you were asking me when I was watching the Illini game and you didn't pause for my swearing outbursts. So what conclusion did we come to again? Right, you bear the kids, you take care of the kids, and we better have a hot nanny take care of them while you're at work. (I can take paternity leave, right?)

2. Do we have a clear idea of each other's financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending mesh?

If you spend any more of MY money on shoes for YOU or another damn purse, I'm buying a big screen TV with YOUR shopping fund. Case closed.

3. Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement over who will manage the chores?

Shit, have we discussed this one? Here's the deal. Roomba does the vacuuming, and I'll clean him when he needs it. You clean everything else. And cook for me most of the time. And do those dishes too. (Doing also includes loading the dishwasher)

4. Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

I may or may not have a problem with alcohol. I also may or may not have a problem with rage. Oh, and that rash is probably something you're not going to like the answer to if you ask about it, so you might just want to stay away from it. YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO DOGS???

5. Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

We're discussing marriage right? Then I will concede a no to the question. And I will not be happy with the concession.

6. Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

I'm afraid that my needs to match your preferences, so you better do something about that.

7. Will there be a TV in the bedroom?

You're damn right there is. And I will have the remote. And if I want to fall asleep watching Kill Bill then you're going to have to deal with it.

8. Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another's ideas and complaints?

No I don't want to talk about how I'm feeling. I'm watching the Illini. Don't you dare touch that remote. Don't do it! DON'T!! NO!!!!!

9. Have we reached a clear understanding of each other's spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discusses when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

Damnit, I knew this was coming up. Ok, our kids will worship Ra, and they will be exposed to this at a very young age so they can get used to how much they'll be made fun of. But they'll have their revenge, oh yes, when Ra erases the world of those bastards.

10. Do we like and respect each other's friends?

I really like that one chick, what's her name, Kelly? Yeah, she's hot. But don't bring around the uggos. And, uh, when I say uggos, I mean ugly on the inside? (And outside.)

11. Do we value and respect each other's parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

Well, your dad terrifies me. Seriously, I can see him thinking of ways to torture me whenever we talk. I'm worried he's building his own rack.

On the other hand, you probably better accept that my mom will never like you, but she will at least make an effort to be nice to your face. And I won't tell you the things she says behind your back. (But trust me, they're bad.)

12. What does my family do that annoys you?

Besides watching how much I drink and judging me? Well, I'd say that's pretty much it. You think my family hates you?? Come on, that's ridiculous. It's just my mom. And my dad. And Uncle Tom and Aunt Sally. And their kids. Really that's it though. About.

13. Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

There is no way I'm getting rid of my poster of Jessica Alba. Also, don't you dare think that Xbox 360 is going anywhere. Get rid of that fucking cat though. Shit.

14. If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other's family, are we prepared to move?

Am I still able to watch the Illini and the Cubs? If not, then I'm afraid you'll just have to pass on that job. I of course know that you'll move. Your job is easy!

15. Do each of us feel fully confident in the other's commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Hmm, that's a tough one. I still can't really trust you, and I'm pretty positive you don't trust me, so, we'll agree to both be miserable? Deal!

I tried to mix in both some semi-honest answers and answers that were just plain ridiculous. Try and see which is which!

I am absolutely in love with Miss USA

The love of my life:

It's absolutely no surprise to anyone (I wouldn't think) that Miss USA almost lost her crown. Let's review again, why I am in love with her:

Tested positive for cocaine. I'm not entirely in love with this, but it does mean that she's a party girl. And since she took the test, it's not like she can deny the facts or anything stupid like that, as opposed to those other vapid publicity whores. She accepts what she did, she knows it was wrong, and she's getting treated for it. As long as she doesn't let it get in the way of our relationship, I suppose I can handle her using a little nose candy.

Underage drinking. Again, she's obviously a party girl. And now she's of age, so we don't have to worry about this. I'm just so impressed that she didn't let a little thing like BEING MISS USA stop her from having some kickass fun. I'm actually proud of how she's acting for all the little girls of America.

Making out with Miss Teen USA. I don't really think I need to say anything about this. Except awesome.

So anyways, Miss USA is fucking amazing. But here's a list of things that she could do to make me love her more:

1. Love scary movies. Too many girls don't like scary movies. This is bad, because they should love them. Since I do.

2. Love Taking Back Sunday and similar bands. It would also be a plus if she loved amateur renditions of the songs on both electric and acoustic guitars. And if she fawned over the player of the guitar for the amateur renditions.

3. Be an amazing cook. For me. Really it wouldn't take much for her to be an amazing cook in my mind. As long as she just cooks for me in general, and enjoys it and doesn't resent me for it, then I would fall more deeply in love with her.

4. Appear on Project Runway, which may or may not be a good idea that I admit that I love it out loud. What's that? She did appear on Project Runway? Check.

Um, I'm actually having a really hard time finding things that would make me love Miss USA more than I do now. This just goes to show that she is in fact perfect. Also, should she be reading this, feel free to contact me. You know you want to.

Why does he lie?

So I saw this this morning and I immediately puked. Not just a little, oops I puked in my mouth but swallowed it back down. I mean I used like two or three garbage bags to contain the massive amounts and almost projectile vomit.

Perhaps it was metaphoric vomit, but nonetheless, Jim Hendry is disgusting me with his comments on the Marquis deal.

So Paul Sullivan, the Cubs beat writer for the Tribune, apparently was struggling to come up with something to write about. Jason Marquis finalized his contract yesterday, and he thought surely this warrants an article.

But, Jim Hendry is just blatantly lying about the Marquis deal. Well, not lying per se, but he's putting his own spin on the contract, and on Marquis's statistics.

So I'm just going to point out some of Hendry's lies here, since really no one should believe what he's saying on this matter.

"He was going to get $20 to $21 million from three or four different [teams]; that was a definite."

Wrong. There were no rumors that Marquis was getting any deals. The only team rumored to have any interest in Marquis was the Cubs. Also, Marquis had some of the worst numbers of absolutely all of the starters in the MLB, let alone free agent starters. Hendry's next lie was that this was deal at market value. Which is a lie! You can set the value of a shitty starter. Because no one wants him! Also, why would you give a shitty starter 3 years? It's entirely unnecessary. What a liar.

"Certainly over a three-year look back, Jason's statistics, and wins, certainly validate that kind of a salary."

You're fucking wrong again. Wins are the most misleading statistic when it comes to deciding the value of a pitcher. Sure, they're important, but if you judge just by wins alone, they're not important. Basically you could have shitty numbers, say, almost the worst in all of baseball in terms of ERA and still rack up, about, oh, 14 wins if you get enough run support. All you have to do is last 5 innings for a win as a starter. When evaluating a player's value, salary or otherwise, you have to look at all of his statistics: ERA, innings pitched, home runs given up, opponent batting average, run support. Also, when evaluating starters' records, it's important to look at how many leads were lost by their bullpen. Or runners stranded by the bullpen. Wins alone are almost meaningless, unless you are single-handedly going out, giving up 2 runs and pitching 8 innings everytime (props to Johan Santana, who I think is the most dominant starter in the game currently. I know, I'm going out on a limb).

"Over the last three years [Marquis] won more games than Zito and Schmidt."

Of course he did, he didn't play on underachieving teams. Maybe it should come as no surprise that he was able to win games for a team that has had one of the most potent offenses in the past three seasons, especially in a division that normally has at least 3 teams well below average every season. This technically isn't a lie, but it's misleading nevertheless.

I mean, I suppose if hell freezes over and Rothschild is actually able to help a pitcher improve, then there may be a chance that Marquis will perform well and be worth this kind of money. Will he be considered a bargain? Hell no. If he is ever considered a bargain at this price, I will shave all of the hair on my head.

STILL. There is no reason to give this kind of pitcher this kind of money when he's basically had one good season in the past 3. ESPECIALLY WHEN HE WAS ARGUABLY THE WORST STARTER ON THE MARKET. We fucked up the market value when we offered him that kind of money. So I refuse to buy any of Hendry's bullshit about this being the market rate. Give him a one year contract, perhaps laden with incentives should his ERA crack 5 (doubtful) or if he gets to 13 wins (questionable), and then we can re-evaluated him next season or extend him before the season's over.

Really this should not have been a complicated deal. It never should have happened at all, that money would be better spent on, say, Jeff Suppan. But, it's done (poorly). But luckily if we only look at, say, half the stats, it looks kind of ok, right?

I am not happy with the Illini

I was really excited for last night's game against Missouri in the annual Busch Braggin' Rights game. And on ESPN no less. I'm not sure the last time that game was on ESPN, but I was totally cool with it.

Until I started watching the game. We came out hot, but we couldn't really stop Mizzou. But we never let them pull away either. We had the lead for most of the first half. Anyways, here are some problems I had with the game last night, in no particular order.

Marcus Arnold. Or should I say shitty fucking Marcus Arnold. I absolutely despise him on the floor. He had, what, two points last night, on one layup? The rest of the time he was entirely out of position on both ends of the floor. He can't jump enough to rebound, he can't jump high enough to make a freaking layup, he's slow, he sucks. Seriously, I can't complain about him enough.

Brian Carlwell. Why the hell didn't he play? He better be sick and or hurt, because there is no excuse to give shitty Arnold so much playing time when he's obviously so incredibly overmatched by everyone.

The rotations. If there is one problem I had last night, it's with Bruce Weber's rotations. I assume this will get better throughout the year as he gets more accustomed to having everyone healthy. However, there's no reason Arnold plays over Carlwell unless there's an injury. And I question why Calvin Brock wasn't on the floor more than he was. Except...

Calvin Brock. Learn to fight through a fucking screen! Brock is easily one of our most athletic defenders on the team, but when you see him a lot of the time defend a shooter, it's like he's lethargic in getting through the screens. If a man is going to curl around a screen and go to the hoop, then let him, but don't get stuck behind a screen as he nails a three. That is probably why he spent some time on the pine last night, as he could have played better.

Rich McBride. Glad to see he's still sucking. A lot. Comes out, hits his first shot, then misses the rest of his shots on the night, save for two free throws. And then down the stretch he actually gets hesitant to pull the trigger. Listen Rich, you obviously aren't going to be making any two's for a while. If you take a shot, I want it to be a three. And if it's a wide-open three and you miss, then you shouldn't be in the game, but that's not your fault. Take a shot.

Mother F'ing Free Throws. Seriously, would it kill this team to practice some damn free throws? Almost all of the team is shooting roughly 60% from the line. That is going to kill us all year long unless we improve. And it's such an easy fix. Shoot 1000 free throws a day. That's overkill of course, but damn we'll suck if we can't make a free throw.

It was good to see Brian Randle playing, although he still has those lapses where he gets called for a touch foul 22 feet from the basket. He's so quick too, he doesn't need to grab guys. I think as the season progresses he'll get more active. It was also good to see him drive to the hoop.

The referees absolutely blew ass. There were at least two no-calls that I saw that were fouls called on the Illini. There were shitty calls both ways, although I think Illinois got just a few more. But it's bullshit that the refs will not let Illinois play Big Ten basketball. Everybody knows that play in the Big Ten is the most physical, and if we're going to get dicked over by the refs in every non-conference game (or in the tournament) then something needs to be done.

All that being said, it's nice to get a quality win. I definitely thought we'd win by more than we did, and the game should not have been so close, but Missouri was a surprisingly good team. That game will do nothing but help us in the long run. Also, I would like to predict Missouri beating Kansas at least once this year (I don't know how many times they play).

Venting my Cubs frustration

I realize that the offseason is a very long one. A lot of times deals don't get done until February, and then even in March, teams realize what they have or don't have and get a lot of deals done. The Cubs signed Greg Maddux in February 2003 (or 2004, I think). However, I'm just not satisfied in what is happening or not happening for the Cubs right now.

The Cubs are reportedly close to signing Cliff Floyd to a (probably) one-year deal. They're doing so to give Matt Murton a platoon partner out in left field. I've stated this before, but apparently a valid opinion is not something the Cubs would want to listen to (see: Jason Marquis).

Murton hit .298 last season. He is a right-handed bat who's capable of hitting roughly 20 HR's, while still maintaining his batting average, and he's a pretty good situational hitter, especially with two outs and runners in scoring position. Also, in the field he's (probably) the worst defensive outfielder we have (assuming he hasn't improved this offseason), but that's almost always the case for the left fielder. Murton's arm is also what I would consider above average. Oh, I should also mention that Murton absolutely murders left-handed pitching. But here's the thing: not all pitchers are lefties! So he obviously hit everyone really well last season.

So let's platoon him. I'd rather not see what he can do when he gets the chance to play, say, 162 games. Or even 158. Nope.

I think we should bring in someone who hit all of .244 last season. .244! That's higher than .298, right? And also someone who has leg problems, and is in the twilight of his career. Just because our GM has been having a love affair with the idea of bringing him in for the past 8 years. Now is as good a time as any, right?

So, let's face it, we're probably going to have Cliff Floyd. But what about Jacque fucking Jones? Why do we still have him? We could have moved him at the trade deadline and we would all be incredibly happy (of course, that's assuming Hendry wanted to do his job, which at that time, he did not). But now we'll have to trade Jacque Jones.

With this, I'm entirely happy. Except no one wants him. His contract is a bargain for the kind of production he showed last year. I would love to see the Cubs trade him for anyone. A prospect who looks average and is three years away, Jay Gibbons, Jake Westbrook (the Indians almost definitely don't want Jones).

I'm still under the assumption that Piniella will field his lineups much the same way that Dusty Baker made his. Ignoring stats, hitting streaks, and talent, and just picking the veterans to play over the young guys. This could be wrong I suppose, but I'm going to believe that when I see it.

This can't be good for anyone

I used to read Sports Illustrated a lot in high school, since I had a lot of time to do nothing. Man, those were the days. Well, Sports Illustrated use to have this little blurb about "This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse. And, I was truly worried when one week I saw that the sign was that a rugby player in Australia was fined or suspended or something for inserting his finger into the rectum (dang near killed 'em) of opposing players.

Well, here is this week's sign of the apocalypse in my opinion.

Apparently there is a rapist on the loose in the Houston area. However, it's not your typical racist. He's preying on men.

This is not good for anyone. Now dudes who are in their late teens have to wear metal protection over their ass for safety any time they go out of the house. Actually, pretty much at all times.

You know the rapist dude is serious too, because only part of the time is he taking their money. And he's stalking them?!

I kind of picture this guy like Red Dragon. He stalks you (except he probably doesn't sit in trees outside your window and sees you in films which he puts shitty effects on). And then instead of killing you he just has his way with your butt.

Remind me never to go to Houston.

I wish I had 3 weeks off

I've been out of school for a year and a half now, and I've gone through multiple phases. First, there was the "I'm so glad I have a job" phase, and then there was the "I'm so glad I'm getting paid and am not in school" phase. Then I switched jobs right around this time last year, and shortly after starting this job I have now, there was the "I should have taken some time off in between jobs" phase. The longest vacation I've had since I graduated was like 4 days off in a row. Well, I've been in the "I need a vacation" phase for a while (I'm also in the "looking for a new job" phase) and it has occurred to me how much I would enjoy to still be in school right now. And for the sole reason of having 3 weeks off to not do anything. So this is just sort of a list of things that I would do, if I had that time off.



Sleep. I would sleep all the time. Sleep in late, stay up late, take naps. When I woke up today I was reminded that I absolutely hate getting up early. So I would make it my goal to spend as little time conscious as possible over the break period. Part of this is probably related to the next point I am going to make, so I'll just get to it now:



Drink. I would need lots of sleep to sleep off the hangovers I would acquire from drinking so much. Of course, I can't drink all the time, since part of the time I'm home with family and everything. But, suffice to say, I would be drinking much more than I will be in with work for the next three(ish) weeks.



Write a screenplay/book. I'm loaded with ideas. If I wrote a screenplay, it would probably be a scary movie. Or a movie that is a really sharp, biting, hilarious commentary on society, or something. If I wrote a book it would probably be something about what it's like to be so incredibly lazy. Or the Great American Novel. I guess I haven't really decided yet.



Catch up with my old friend, Xbox 360. I have not spent anywhere near enough time with my old friend in recent weeks. I'm not really sure why; I think it's possibly because I can't keep my attention focused on anything for more than about 10 minutes unless it's sports related. I would surely make up for lost time though.




Perform volunteer work. Ha, yeah right.



Watch lots of TV. My DVR has tons of hilarious shows on it, and some of them haven't been watched in weeks, even months. This is an absolute travesty, because no episode of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" should go without being viewed for more than 3 weeks. It's really a shame that I can't just loop them and watch them all the time.



Win Nobel Peace Prize. Really all this would take would be me writing some sort of thesis or something of the like about how I can cure poverty, world hunger and provide world peace by clapping my hands twice every 15 minutes and then throwing glitter in the air followed by the words to "One Night in Bangkok". It basically writes itself.



So you can see, I'd have a pretty full schedule. Sleep till 12, eat a lot, watch TV, play Xbox 360, drink. If only I were still in school.

Uh, Bears, stop sucking

I didn't manage to watch the entire game yesterday, as I had to drive home to meet my parents for dinner. I watched the first half though, and then I listened to the rest in my car on the drive. So that was like 2 hours of football when I was expecting less than 90 minutes.

And I was not impressed. I mean, I started out impressed. And the game was 21-3 at halftime. I was fully prepared to enjoy listening to a rout in the second half until the game became so much of a blowout that I would just listen to my iPod.

Anyways, here are some problems that I have.

First, I have no idea what the situation will turn out to be with Tank Johnson. But we were already short with Tommie Harris out, so we'll be hurting for however long Tank is gone. And I appreciate Ian Scott and Alfonso Boone as much as any players who don't start at DT, but they didn't start for a reason. I'm assuming they're going to get less respect, which will lead to less of a pass rush as the guys on the outside get double teamed. So unless we come up with some creative blitzes, people are going to be able to take time and make passes.

Second, what is the deal with Ricky Manning? He got burnt twice. Of course, I didn't see the plays, so I don't know what the safety situation or anything like that was. But, come on. Burnt twice. That is unacceptable. We've got Vasher out, and Charles Tillman is playing pretty banged up. And Devin Hester is our 4th CB. If Manning can't cover, then we gave him all that money in the off-season for nothing.

Third, why is Thomas Jones still getting the bulk of the rushing? It has been statistically proven (I read somewhere that someone had crunched the numbers) and he is not, in fact, any better at picking up blitzes than Cedric Benson. Cedric Benson is a more aggressive runner, and he's a more punishing runner. Having him in early could help wear down a defense. And you never see Benson leaving his feet as he jumps backwards into a pile like you see from Thomas Jones. Keep that shit on the sideline. And, then yesterday we see Adrian Peterson perform. Maybe Thomas Jones isn't full-strength right now. But we have better options than a sore T.J.

Fourth, what's up Devin Hester? People are comparing you to the best returners in the history of the game, you need to hold on to the damn ball. Especially in crunch time. And crunch time is every single game we're not up by 40 points. I can see one fumble being an accident. Perhaps even two. But, come on, hold on to the damn ball. Look at what happened to Bobby Wade.

Along the same special teams lines, what about Brad Maynard? His best punts were early in the game, and the ones in crunch time sucked. I was not impressed.

Finally, I am extremely disappointed in the play-calling down the stretch. We get the ball with over a minute left and all of our time outs, and we just eat it? This after we have gone three and out twice due to conservative playcalling, meanwhile we can barely stop their offense. Their shitty shitty offense. So we eat it, and we get the ball in great position in OT. We run the ball twice, only to kick it on third down. True, the FG should have been made, but it wasn't. We could have, you know, tried to get a first down or something.

I think the defense will play much better, and there was absolutely no gameplan for Rattay coming in at QB. At least I wouldn't think so. And I assume that most of what happened yesterday can be corrected. And, I wouldn't think that the defense is something you need to worry about in the future. It was kind of a trap game yesterday.

Should it have even been close? No way in hell. But you know what? Nothing matters any more for a month. So let's get everybody healthy and then beat some ass in the playoffs. Besides, you know that the Bears should win that first game pretty easily, so the only real competition should be in the NFC Championship. Piece of cake.

A weekend

I went to Chicago this weekend since it would be the last chance I would have to go before Christmas when everyone would be around. And I had some awesome presents to give away, including one that spouts off knowledge like you wouldn't believe. And man, his jokes are hilarious too.

I got to the city on Friday night and started drinking. Luckily there was plenty of alcohol available. Also, I didn't eat dinner. It would have only slowed down my progress to Chicago. So anyways, at 9 we head over to friends' place, and continue the party. I busted out my rendition of "Free Love Freeway" and I'm pretty damn sure Ricky Gervais would have been proud. Except there was no singing. Regardless, we then headed out.

We went to scope out the place we'll be for New Year's, and if I remember correctly, which is very questionable, it seemed like a pretty nice place.

Now, I should point out that Poops got me an instructional krumping video made by Tight Eyes himself. We had started watching it before we left for the night, and throughout the night people were asking me to demonstrate. Well, unfortunately, the more I drank, the more likely I was to bust something out. But I kept it under wraps at least for a little while.

So, anyways, aside from my krumping I don't remember too much else of note. Except we had a terrible time getting a cab. That will suck when it's much colder at New Year's. Anyways, then we went to Nick's Uptown and that was really packed. All I wanted at that point was some El Burrito. Well, unfortunately, no one would let me go. Again, I want to point out that I had not had dinner. So we got home and watched a krump battle on my dvd, and then one by one people started passing out. And I may or may not have passed out sitting up. I think it was more of a slouch.

Woke up the next day and moved to the floor to sleep longer. After breakfast we went and looked at puppies for like 90 minutes. And not everything is good about a cramped puppy store. For example, the smell can be overwhelming at times. And when I say overwhelming, I mean gag-inducing.

So once we managed to leave there we went, got lunch, then went to that which I shall not name. Pretty much from the moment we got there I could sense the evil. And we were there for so long. And I didn't even get anything. And no one bought me anything either. It was such a rip off.

Anyways, we got home from that and I started drinking. This was probably 5:30ish? I'm not sure. Basically we all sat around drinking until about 10. Then we went to another friends' place for a wassail party. While we were there, I was involved in the most ridiculous game of foosball I've ever been a part of. I believe I lost 10-1, and I scored no fewer than 4 goals on myself. Seriously, the game would have lasted longer if I just stood there not doing anything.

So then we went to Red Ivy to get our dance on. Well, having watched much more of my krumping dvd, people were really requesting that I krump. So, being the drunk idiot that I am, I did it. And I can't believe how much of an idiot I looked like. But, regardless, I did it. And apparently there were some dudes watching me, looking at me like I was a jackass. They had no idea what I was doing, but I think they watched long enough to judge me and then move as far away as quickly as possible.

So, finally, at the end of the night I was ready for El Burrito. Again, I didn't have dinner, but we had lunch at 3, so that's closer to dinner? Well, we're about ready to leave and then Bootz said she wants to go get breakfast food. So we went to Clark's. And it was awesome. You cannot go wrong with drunk breakfast. Unless of course you're cooking it yourself and you let your roommate break the eggs and they manage to get large chunks of eggshell in with the eggs. That was pretty gross.

So following breakfast we went home and again, one by one all passed out. Woke up the next day feeling pretty good, and then it got even better when I had my Italian beef sandwich. Mmm, Italian beef.

So that was pretty much the weekend in Chicago. Nothing too crazy, but a lot of fun nonetheless.

You're on notice!

I'm going to try to make a list of people who I'm putting on notice every Friday. It will be interesting to see how long this lasts. It will also be interesting to see who I'm leaving out of my 'ring of hatred' from week to week, and to see how it changes.

Of course

Donald Rumsfeld was praised his final day at the Pentagon today, and all I can say is: Why not?

I mean, everything Rumsfeld has done has been successful. He's managed to capture Osama Bin Laden. The U.S. is now safe from all terrorist attacks in-state because of this, and the Taliban has virtually disbanded.

Iraq has been freed from the totalitarian rule of Saddam Hussein and is now it's own self-governing Democratic entity.

He managed to keep his job.

See? He did absolutely everything necessary to be a great Secretary of the Defense. He went above and beyond. I wish he would bear my children.

This is fucking retarded. What has Rumsfeld done? What is one fucking thing?

He removed Hussein from power. Ok. But, of course, we went to war under the premise of preventing contact between Hussein and Al Qaeda, and because Iraq had WMD's. Wrong. Wrong on both. Dead wrong. I guess I can't hold that over Rumsfeld's head.

I can accuse him of lying though. Or at least being wrong. Of course, he would disagree with me. Apparently a robot dressed and looking exactly like Rumsfeld was on Meet the Press and said they knew exactly where WMD's were.

Ok, so he was successful in removing Hussein, but what then? Absolute shit. An inferior campaign that is only getting shittier and there is absolutely no admission to mistakes or anything. Ah, but I'm getting side-tracked.

Bush said today that Rumsfeld knows how to lead, and America is better off for it. I disagree. Al Qaeda hasn't disbanded, and they're not as weak as they were a few years ago. We can't defend Iraqis from themselves, and Iran is threatening that they want a piece of us. And North Korea for that matter.

For some reason Bush didn't mention any of Rumsfeld's criticisms.

Why start now, right?! Am I right?! High five, yeah! Of course he didn't. Everyone in this entire fucking administration believes that if they ignore problems long enough, they'll fucking go away. Or they don't fucking exist. 'Rumsfeld is a condescending asshole? No way, he's very respectful. To me. His boss. Why wouldn't he be nice to you also, someone accusing him of assholery and lying and incompetence?'

From Bush: "Every decision [he] made over the last 6 years, he always put the troops first, and the troops knew it."

Absolutely. Just like when the troops were (and probably are) lacking equipment. And had to extend their tours. I'm sure the troops were excited because Ol' Rummy was putting them first, not his stubbornness or his own bullshit reputation. I'm sure they enjoyed not having enough equipment. Because it shows how much he cares!

Dick Cheney said Rumsfeld had 'near perfect recall.' That's accurate. I don't even know what that means, but I hate it. Dick. Also, this is coming from a man who shot a 'friend' in the face. I refuse to take anything seriously from him, and I'm glad he's second in command.

In fact, I love this entire incompetent administration.

Rumsfeld is a fucking condescending prick. Fuck him. Good riddance.

To end the week of little Cubs action

Basically the Cubs are done doing anything this offseason. This may or may not be actually true, but judging from the lack of any rumors flying about, I would assume that the Cubs are fine with the line-up they have (I assume Jacque Jones rumors will still persist, just no one will care until something happens) and they're also fine with having a shitty shitty starting rotation. Shitty.

So, let's just tie up most of the rumors. Jason Jennings was traded to the Astros, so write him off. I would assume if the Cubs were really that close to a deal with the Nationals for Ryan Church, it would have been completed by now. So, we move Jones, we still have a whole in center field. Also, the Cubs apparently do not seem that inclined to rush into signing Cliff Floyd at all. Maybe they're just cooling off on Floyd since there aren't as many people interested in Jones.

So, assuming we can move Jones for a good pitcher, we need a center fielder. I don't care who JAKE WESTBROOK we get for Jones, I would just like a JAKE WESTBROOK pitcher who we can plug into the JAKE WESTBROOK rotation so Jason "I'm a worthless piece of shit for 3 years Cubs fans!" Marquis doesn't have to JAKE WESTBROOK pitch in the rotation. He will solely be used as a spot started when our bullpen has been overused and we need to give up 15 runs over 4 innings. I would rather have Les Walrond start. (That may or may not be true, and even I can't tell if I'm joking.)

So who should we put in center field? Well, you can bet that Felix Pie will get a shot in Spring Training. I doubt he wins the job though. There is still the possibility of trading for Ryan Church, but I think Pie would possibly be a better option.

Vernon Wells is close to extending his contract (read: get a monster raise) in Toronto, so write him off the list. It would be awesome to have him, and we could afford to pay 4 position players (unless we turn Zambrano into an outfielder when he doesn't start) and 1 pitcher $15 million or more, but then we turn into the Yankees. And it's not like we need Wells to win, he would just be super awesome in helping us get there.

Rocco Baldelli is a name that is constantly coming up in conversations. The D-Rays have a lot of good young players in their system, their infield is packed full and overflowing into the outfield, and the outfielder who could be moved to make room could very well be Rocco Baldelli. You know what a team who has a lot of position players could use? Young pitchers. You know what the Cubs have a lot of, based on the incorrect idea in the past (14?) years that you build a winning team with pitching prospects only and not focusing on position players? That's right, pitchers.

My only concern with a trade for Baldelli would be the Pie situation. When we still had Corey Patterson (and I was under the incorrect impression that he would be good) I was excited about having someone like Murton in left, Patterson in right and Pie in center. Then Corey could take advantage of being a 'power' hitter.

Well, I think Baldelli wants to be a center fielder. Carl Crawford! Trade for him from the D-Rays! He would be great, but he doesn't like playing center. If he did, we could have him play center for a year, then move him over when Pie got ready.

Meh, I think we could put together a deal of two young arms, then either Murton or Pie for probably either Baldelli or Crawford. It won't happen, but it's wishful thinking.

Seriously, we could be screwed in center field if we don't get Jones out and bring in someone good. Glad we're actually addressing it.

What to do when robots take over the world

Robots are coming to take over the world. I think this video pretty much clinches it. I mean, I really enjoyed playing baseball. But you add an emotionless robot into the mix, and it ultimately becomes the greatest baseball player of all time. And because it has no emotions, it's no fun for anyone else.

If that's not enough proof for you, then maybe this is.

Now tell me that roomba isn't trying to take over the world. It already clearly has taken that baby hostage. But, I ask you, what is it holding the baby hostage for? Is it just an emotionless killing machine, who knows how to toy with your emotions before ultimately crushing them?

I know I help perpetuate this by owning a roomba. But, mine has not tried to capture or kill me. Yet. Nor has it tried to kill any of my friends. I would think that they would be first on the list, since I try to be polite to it.

Anyways, since robots are going to take over the world, here are my plans for how to deal with the situation.

1.) Keep lots of oil. Oil is probably going to become some sort of currency. Robots need oil to keep their joints loose. But, even if it isn't currency, maybe I could become some sort of expert on robot oil, thus providing them with a reason for keeping me alive and not in slavery. I mean, I guess they could hold me hostage and torture me should I not give them oil, but I wouldn't withhold it.

2.) Be extremely nice to the robots. I know they're emotionless hunks of metal and/or plastic, but they can definitely sense hostility. I can at least be nice to their face, while I plot to destroy all of them. But it's not going to be as easy as in I Robot. There they just destroyed the main one, and then all of them were fixed or whatever. I envision a lot more robot killing.

3.) Make a metal suit. Not like an actual suit just out of metal (although that's not a terrible idea now that I think of it) but like a robot costume, so they would think I was one of their own. I would have a fun time torturing people who were enslaved to the robots. Or, maybe I could be a 'robot' who was friendly to humans. But, I would still do my fair share of torturing, just because I could see that being pretty fun.

4.) Do a lot of interpretive dancing. Everybody knows that robots lack the ability to interpret dance. That would ultimately lead to how I defeat the robots. That and all of the killing and destruction that I do.

I'm copyrighting the metal suit idea. And the interpretive dancing idea also. Those are robot-defeating gold. Also, I think I will be perfectly suited to defeat the robots because of my relationship with my roomba. There's something not quite robotic about him. But don't think that just anyone can defeat the robots. Because they can't. Just me. So I would just save your time.

Not such a heart-warming story

It was a dream run while it lasted, but unfortunately, it had to come to an end. Yes, in what could be the saddest day of everyone's life, the dude who does the Girls Gone Wild videos has been fined because two girls he used were not, in fact, 18.

I think the dumbest thing in the whole story is that Joe Francis, the dude who distrubutes the movies and whatnot, was forced to read a 'victim impact statement' aloud in court.

Now, I don't know how the whole system works, since I am neither a girl nor have I ever been in any Girls Gone Wild videos (that I know of, heh...) but I am fully in agreement that it is possible that these dudes either didn't check these girls' ID's, or they were bad fakes and the dude's just accepted it because they figured the girls were at least 18, since they were probably drunk in public anyways. But, rules are rules, so I don't believe he argued at all with being ordered to pay the fines are whatever. Which is kind of surprising, since he's such a creepy dude and all. But I digress.

But, what did this retard girl's 'impact statement' say? She was emotionally tormented by her appearance on the video, and the video damaged her relationship with her family.

So, because she was 17 and not 18 she can sue for that? Because I guarantee the same is true for just about every other girl who's done it. Oh man, think about the girls who are on the commercials! That's gotta suck for their parents.

But, I mean, she has a point. It's definitely this dude's fault that she, again probably, was drunk in public at age 17 and chose to bare all. I mean, how could he do that to her?

Fuck that, regardless of what age she was, she was old enough to know what happens when, you know, you take off your shirt in front of a camera.

I could care less about the whole stupid fine or for anything else in this story, but come on, the fact that this girl pawns off all responsibility for any of her actions is complete bullshit. I don't think I'm alone in saying I hope her life is ruined by it. And, also, I'm pretty damn sure this lawsuit, etc. is going to ruin her life more than just being in the damn video.

Well this is awesome

I just happened to glance at a couple of headlines on cnn.com today, and I saw a couple of headlines that just absolutely warmed my heart.

The first one I saw was that a a modern-day Jack the Ripper has appeared in London. Or Ipswich, which I will continue to reference as London because I am too lazy to type that out or find out where it is.

This is really cool because, I mean, come on, Jack the Ripper. We haven't had a good 'kill all the prostitutes' killer in such a long time. However, I'm guessing that he's not really paying homage to Jack the Ripper in that he just really likes killing hookers. Or maybe he has to pay for sex, but he never has the money on him, so rather than be indebted to pimps, he just kills the hookers.

But didn't Jack Ripper also remove organs or something? Or am I just confusing facts with a movie plot? Also, is there any proof that Jack the Ripper existed? I guess I've never really done the research on it, which is probably the biggest shame of all.

One downside to this is that the prostitutes (or prossies if you will, since we are talking about the British here) are being warned to stay off the streets. Where's the fun in that? I mean, if you're a British prostitute in London, you probably don't really like your job. Unless you're a classy one, but then you're probably safe from this killer anyways. But that's besides the point. So, wouldn't you kind of enjoy the thrill of possibly being killed? I mean, mix things up a little, you know? I know if I was in danger of being killed at my job, it sure would break up the monotony. Also, it would give me something to keep my mind occupied. For instance, if the killer was to come through this door, what would I do? Say he has a cattle prod that he intends to kill me with, how would I defend against that? (Rubber gloves, totally.) But, no, I have to be all safe at my job. Lucky whores.

On to the next story I saw. Good old Dr. Jack Kevorkian is about to be paroled! Let's get the parade routes closed off now! Finally, someone to assist all of those unassisted suicides. Wait, what? He vows no more suicides?

That's quitter talk. And Dr. Jack is no quitter. What's going on here?

There's an obvious loophole in his reasoning though. I don't think he ever called them suicides. So the good news here is that he can just keep on doing what he's been doing.

Now, I hate most people, and I could really care less if they lived or not. But if Dr. Jack wanted to help out the people I hate, then I'm not going to stop him. Maybe we can call it assisted murder.

Eh, I don't like the sound of where that might be headed. Anything that may tie me back to him I should probably try to avoid.

So, let's just say I encourage him to not look at the list of enemies I will send to him, and to not accept any payments I may or may not send along with that. If he does, then it is out of my hands, and I can claim complete ignorance.

Phew, that's a load off my mind.

In any case, I hope that these news stories fill everyone with hope this holiday season, because they definitely did for me.

I don't want to say I was right...

I was totally right. What was my suggestion about what to do with the whole Rex Grossman situation? I said to let him play. We were 10-2 with him at QB, and despite two terrible games by him (and a couple other bad ones) he's managed to still not make us lose.

So what does Grossman go out and do? 200 yards, 2 TD's, no picks. It was a clean performance, and he didn't make any stupid decisions. We all knew that if Rex had a terrible first half, he was going to be benched. So Rex came out and immediately did what he could. He didn't force the ball anywhere. He nearly fumbled twice, but he didn't, and I'm not positive but I don't think he even got sacked last night (and Joe Theismann could not have overused the word 'impetus' enough).

Some people will say that Grossman didn't really prove anything last night other than he can win games. This is pretty true. The Rams are a terrible defensive team. You could tell when Thomas Jones breaks a 30-yard run and he never appears to be doing anything more than jogging.

But last time I checked, the Bears didn't play in Philadelphia. They hate everyone there. And the second guess anything less than perfection. And they never get it.

All Grossman needs to do is manage the ball, make good reads and not turn it over. He did a great job of that last night. In the first half, he had that scramble to get the first down and then some. Sidenote, yesterday on The Score 670 there was a discussion about how Grossman may have never healed correctly after breaking his ankle so he's lost most of his mobility. I hope the scramble disproved that, and I'd like to see a little more movement.

In the second half, more management. He was taking the playclock down inside the 5 on virtually every play from the middle of the third quarter on because the Bears were up and all we had to do was run the ball.

So Grossman is fine. During the game I was feeling sorry for everyone who isn't a Bears fan because every single thing Grossman did was getting overanalyzed, and I'm sure it will continue to be so for the next 2-3 days.

We all know that Grossman is capable of playing like he did last night, it's just a matter of him fixing the things that cause him to play like Brett Favre and throw picks all the time. He responded nicely last night. And I think the Bears showed last night that we can allow a guy to pass 300+ yards and still get the win (I'm looking at you Drew Brees).

So Grossman will take us to the Super Bowl, and he'll do it in a fashion that won't remind anyone of Trent Dilfer or Brad Johnson. At least I hope so, because in my opinion, that's a pretty big slap in the face.

Thanks MNF

This was quoted on the Bears game last night: "One of the great Chicago sports fans, Jim Belushi..."

My question is, what makes him a great fan? That he's rich, and famous for some ungodly reason, so he can afford going to games?

Thanks to Jim Belushi's perpetual idiocy, people are thinking that everyone either from Chicago or a fan of any Chicago team is a hackey, unfunny, coat-tail riding jackass. And this is just not true. Many of us have college degrees, we've gotten jobs that we didn't get just because of our last name, and we're actually capable of making funny observations (myself excluded).

At one point the announcers, who may not have been as terrible as usual last night, asked Belushi if the Cubs have brought about sort of a losing tradition in Chicago.

Let's get this straight. I do not want Jim Belushi representing any sort of expert on Chicago sports. He's probably too busy making terribly unfunny sitcoms and telling people that his last name makes him famous to pay attention to any real intelligent conversations on sports. But at least he appears like he's a big fan, right? No.

I'm not even sure how Belushi responded to the question. It was probably something like, "Hey, my brother is the reason I'm here right now. Have you seen that show 'According to Jim'? I'm Jim! I'll never be nearly as funny as my brother was. Oh, you asked me a question? I'm Jim!"

I despise Jim Belushi. I can't believe there was no one they could get from St. Louis in the booth, since, you know, the game was in St. Louis. But then again, ABC couldn't have done any of their cross-promotional bullshit since his show is/was on ABC. Everything he has done has pretty much been a slap in the face to everything his brother did. If he's made a funny movie, I'm not aware of it. Sitcoms are hackey, and Belushi is definitely a hack. And has anyone caught Blues Brothers 2000? Or the 'new' Blues Brothers. At first I was like, well, that's cool, they're keeping it up like a tribute. But they're just making it look ridiculous now.

So, again, thanks Monday Night Football for bringing Jim Belushi into the foreground to make everyone who is a fan of any Chicago team look like a complete jackass who is great at recycling cliches. It's not like all of us are White Sox fans. Oh snap!

Cubs

I posted about the huge mistake that is the signing of Jason Marquis on Saturday, so I don't have a whole lot more to say about it. The deal is for $21 million over 3 years. The pitching market is so fucked up that even the terrible pitchers still on the market are going to be asking for that kind of money now. And most of them are not as terrible as Marquis. So I'm sure a lot of GM's are thanking Hendry for that one. The Cubs plan to release 'their own numbers' in regards to Marquis soon, hopefully to try to rationalize why they signed someone so bad to such a terrible deal. I'm not buying that though, if anything they will make up numbers. He's a 5th starter in our rotation! He shouldn't have gotten anything over $3 million! Ok, calm down, calm down.

In other news, because Kenny Lofton is close to signing with the Rangers, it appears as though the Cubs will look elsewhere to get their center fielder. Apparently they made a pretty strong push for Ryan Church but the Nationals must not have liked the offer. Hendry says he will not seek a long term player for center field, as it will be Felix Pie's in the future. This is a good idea, but there are going to be some dominant, proven players on the market next year. A player like Vernon Wells. I'm pretty sure we could put together a deal for Wells (including Pie) and about 10 pitchers, and Theriot and Izturis (Theriot being the only other of any value in that deal) for Wells.

This probably isn't too likely though. Some names being thrown around are Aaron Rowand, Steve Finley, Bernie Williams. I wouldn't mind Rowand, as he's a pretty solid defensive outfielder and we don't need a whole lot more than a .270 average out of him (and that's probably about all we'd get).

However, one intriguing name is Rocco Baldelli. The Devil Rays have been listening to offers for him all spring. He's had injuries previously, but he came back strong last year when he returned. He's solid both defensively and offensively, and he's fast. The problem comes in putting together a deal. He's only owed $900K next year, with options the following two seasons. Which makes him extremely attractive to bring in. But the Braves have reportedly offered three top prospects (the Cubs don't have 3 top prospects any more) and the Rays rejected the offer, so it doesn't seem too likely that he'll end up going anywhere, unless the exact deal they want is offered.

Piniella coached Baldelli in TB, so there's at least a history there. The DRays GM has a history of requesting way too much in return for his players, which is really a shame because with all the top prospects they've received, very few have turned into legitimate players. Their player development must really suck, and the Cubs development is only slightly worse.

So as of right now I don't think there's really a clear direction that the Cubs are leaning in for center field. There haven't really been any rumors about Jacque Jones, although on Friday I believe I read that the Orioles were now interested in him. They probably don't have much to trade, but if we could get a starter away from them, that would be pretty awesome. They've got some young starters who haven't proven much, but they now have a year with a good pitching coach, and hopefully Rothschild wouldn't destroy that foundation for a year or two.

Rumor is that if the Cubs get rid of Jacque Jones, they'll sign Cliff Floyd. Floyd is a left fielder, Soriano is in right, someone will go to center. But it won't be Murton. It looks as if the Cubs do not want Murton in the field every day. This is a great choice. I'd much rather have 2 left handed guys who don't field well and one of those (the one who would get the bulk of the playing time in left) is old, he's now injury prone, and he proved nothing last season. That's much better than a young guy who constantly works to improve and hit almost .300 last year.

Murton should not be platooned in left. This is a huge mistake, and I actually hope we trade him instead of platooning him because he deserves to play. And the Cubs are jackasses if they don't let him.

This is in no way good

Now, normally I don't post on weekends. Usually, it's because I'm gone and in some sort of drunken state, either drunk or recovering from being drunk. But this is a reason to express my extreme rage.

THE CUBS SIGNED JASON MARQUIS. Funny story, on one site I was reading the other day, they said if you take out to of Marquis's shitty starts (apparently there were two shittier than the rest of his shitty starts) his ERA drops a whole run. Well, I'll admit, that was sort of a relief. So I'm thinking we'll give him a one year deal.

Well, apparently the Cubs aren't satisfied with just signing a shitty pitcher. We need to give him all kinds of a shitty contract too. Reports are that he is getting a three year contract (3 FUCKING YEARS?!) at either $20 million, or $28 million.

Of course, the $28 million figure is coming from the St. Louis paper, which was in complete denial about Barry Bonds signing with the Giants, but why would it not surprise me if that was true?

So, mistakes with this contract.

1. 3 FUCKING YEARS! He's coming off a shitty year, he's already been on the decline in his career, and I would only say he's had 2 good seasons in his entire career, and one of those was definitely not last year.

2. We're paying him more than $0 to pitch. Ok, there have been absolutely no rumors of other teams interested in this useless piece of shit. That's right, I'm declaring right now that he's a worthless piece of shit. This is a problem for 2 reasons. First, we have 30 pitchers who make $375,000 that can easily manage a 6 ERA. Easily. Second, we're paying this jackass to pitch worse than those pitchers, and NO ONE WANTS HIM. The Cardinals obviously don't, and no one else does. So why did we need to blow him away with this giant contract? Holy shit Jim Hendry, you fucked this one up big time.

Regardless of what the contract figures actually are, Hendry completely fucked up the market for pitchers now. Lilly, an injury-prone pitcher who is probably extremely average gets $10 million for 4 years, and Marquis, a shitty pitcher who isn't even coming off anything close to resembling a good season is going to make anywhere between $6 and almost $10 million a year for 3 years. 3 shitty years. At that rate, Barry Zito could probably demand $20 million because his numbers are way way better than Marquis.

3. Because Hendry fucked up the market, we might as well not waste any time getting any more 'good' pitchers. Notice that in the 'good' category Marquis is far, far away from anything resembling close to being in it.

4. Two amazing pitching coaches have given up on Marquis because he blows. Our pitching coach blows. Two wrongs don't make a right. Larry Rothschild will lead Marquis to probably drop 2 more runs on his ERA. And, luckily, that's in his first year. WE STILL GET TWO MORE FUCKING YEARS OF THIS SHIT! Larry Rothschild can't even maintain a pitcher's current production, it's like pitcher's get worse just by being around him. Glad we signed this shitbag also.

So it's a guarantee that we lose at least every fifth day. This does absolutely nothing useful for our pitching staff. Except that the young guys probably get mad because they know they can pitch way better than piece of shit Marquis. It doesn't fill a spot on the rotation (we all know that Prior only going 4 innings and also throwing left handed because his right arm is hurt is better than Marquis) and he's useless out of the bullpen. So good move Hendry. Way to undo absolutely every fucking move you've made this offseason. Holy shit this is going to suck.

I don't want to be old

I would like to post a link to this story and recommend that everyone read it. Because it makes me sad. Not sad for the future of this country, like MTV (oh man, I caught about two minutes of that stupid show 24/7 (I refuse to spell that shit out) and I almost had a seizure at the rapid decrease of brain cells from me punching myself in the brain), or pretty much any other story involing young people or dudes in pink shirts.

But I am very worried about becoming old.

Also, I never want to hear a mechanic say this: "I use the Internet for things like buying car parts, reading celebrity gossip." That's great. Do you think he also uses it to buy dolls for he secret collection so he doesn't have to go do it at the stores? Come on, what kind of mechanic reads celebrity gossip? Is it really that important to know who Elisha Cuthbert is dating when you're changing the oil on a 72 Charger?

Or there is this nugget, from some older lady who uses instant messaging after seeing her kids do it: "'I do it more now," she said, boasting: "Sometimes I do two conversations at once.'" Wow, two at once. I would think it would be much harder for an old person to talk through instant messaging, because most of your peers are technology-retarded. But two whole conversations at once! Someone give her the Noble Prize for genius!

I really hope I am never that out of touch with technology. Which is why whenever someone asks me if I knew about a new invention that has come out, I make sure to say "Oh, I heard about that months ago, but I thought they had delayed release due to some manufacturing micalculations." See? I sound like I've got my finger on the pulse of technology.

I don't try to understand the series of tubes that connects one computer to another, allowing for the transfer of email that is hopefully delivered in the correct tube. Apparently, this 'interweb' is also used for email, whatever that means. I just know that if I at least sound like I know what I'm talking about, people won't think I'm senile. Until, of course, I become senile, which I foresee happening probably around 38.

Unhappy days return

Well, it appears my worries yesterday have been confirmed. Now that Gil Meche is no longer a free agent, Jim Hendry is still positive there are many options left to fill the Cubs rotation. Among those? You guessed it, Jason Marquis.

Holy shit this is an easy argument. Look at his numbers! They sucked. Sure we'll pay much less for him than we would for Meche, but that's because he sucks! He is a useless human being and he should not be pitching for anyteam whose scoring average is under 10 runs a game because that's about how much he'll give up. And this was the worst thing I've heard in a while. "The organization expressed disappointment that righty Gil Meche chose the Kansas City Royals over the Cubs, but they immediately turned their attention toward right-handed free agent Jason Marquis, whom they’ve been eyeing for a while..." That is just horrible, horrible news. 'Oh, Meche, arguably the top Tier 2 pitcher still remaining on the market is gone, let's just go get the shittiest shitbag of a shitty pitcher now. I'm dying for one of those.'

And let us not forget that the Cubs would also be interested perhaps in Jeff Weaver and Jeff Suppan, both also former Cardinals. Listen, the numbers these guys had last year (particularly Weaver) weren't great, but they did perform in the World Series. They also eat innings and stay pretty healthy. I wouldn't want to sign either to a long-term deal, and I question them if not even the Cardinals want them, but I would take one or the other. And I feel very sick to my stomach having said that.

Unbelievable. Anyways, there is perhaps a rumor that the Cubs would go after Brad Penny could they get him, but I doubt they're able to put together a deal that is as good as some other teams are able to offer the Dodgers.

In other, less enraging news, the Cubs have reportedly offered Sean Marshall to the Nats for Ryan Church. Now, if we get Church to be our cf, I'm hoping that he can perform. Giving up Sean Marshall isn't a whole lot to be getting back a starting cf. So this deal kind of worries me.

Also the Cubs signed Daryle Ward to bolster their bench. I'm fine with this signing, since we no longer have to rely on someone like John Mabry coming off the bench in the late innings. Or giving Derrek Lee a rest. And Ward is an ok candidate to give Murton a couple days off too (I would think).

A lot of the times when I hear a rumor I think, wow, that would be awesome. But most of the time the rumor isn't actually true, probably like the Cubs making an offer for Manny Ramirez. But signing Marquis is now the biggest fear of the offseason, and it seems all but definite that no one else has any interest in him besides the Cubs, so I'm dreading the announcement that we signed him to a 4 year deal. We had Jerome Williams last year, and he sucked, we don't need a white version of him who can hit.