What do I do now?

Now that my wounds have healed from the Bears loss in the Super Bowl (I'm awfully fickle), it's time to look ahead in this sports year of 2007. The Super Bowl just ended, the Pro Bowl(!) is just a couple days away, pitchers and catchers report in just over a week. But how are you supposed to fill in the spaces? Nobody cares about the Pro Bowl, and just beause pitchers and catchers report doesn't really mean anything. But here's how I plan on filling in the gaps.

1. Major coke/alcohol binge - I have developed a new method of time-travel, patent pending, in which I drink a lot of alcohol and then I don't remember anything when I wake up. So the alcohol would be for time-travel. The coke however, is to make the time (that I won't remember) go faster. Also, I could really use that two week coke-binge to do something good, like clean my apartment 45 times.

2. Watch college basketball - As an Illini fan, it's my job to root for the Illini. It's not so much root for the Illini as dread any sort of loss that will completely destroy their season. Tonight they play at Northwestern. Northwestern is terrible, and yet I'm not confident that the Illini will blow them out, which is what they should do. Following that there are games at Indiana and Iowa. I'm almost positive we'll lose to Indiana but the Iowa game is the real terror. Iowa is a shitty team, and yet they beat Indiana. So I'll be spending this time basically waiting for the Illini to fall apart, while secretly hoping that they don't. Anyways, if you don't have any rooting interests in college basketball, the least you could do is watch every game Texas and Ohio State play, and then draw your own conclusions about the better player to draft would be or why. Or at least watch Kevin Durant's domination of the college game. Your call. Well, the least you could do would be nothing at all.

3. Watch hockey - Hey! They play hockey still. Good for the NHL. I really don't watch hockey, but if you do, then good for you. You can spend this break between popular sports by rooting for your favorite teams. If there's anything I remember from playing NHL 94, it's that the Hartford Whalers were a can't-lose team. I bet they're destined for great things this season as well.

4. Help fix your favorite baseball team - Maybe you're not entirely happy with your team's offseason moves. I've been very vocal on here about how much the Cubs signing Jason Marquis sucks. It sucks so bad. Well, why not help them modify their roster? How can you do this? You can put a hit out on Jason Marquis. If he "mysteriously" doesn't report to spring training, then he can't ruin the team, which he is almost certain to do. This can work for probably just about every team in baseball also. (Note: If you're worried about the ramifications of murder/collusion/attempted murder, you can probably just cut off their arms or something. Anything as long as they can never play again.)

5. The NBA is on! - We're actually just getting to the heart of the NBA season. Well, I actually consider the heart as the playoffs, because that's where everything is really interesting, but we're near the All-Star break, which is a little past the halfway point. There are a number of interesting story-lines to follow. Will Gilbert Arenas be the MVP? Is there any chance anyone can beat the Suns or the Mavericks? Who's the gay Net? Is it Vince Carter? Vince Carter? It's Vince Carter, isn't it? How good of a draft pick will the Knicks get hosed for this year?

6. Kill a hobo - It's not like you actually get charged with anything. Hobos are disappearing all the time. The police don't seem to care. It's a good way to practice your killing techniques too, just in case you ever get in a fight or something. And people say hobos are good for nothing.

So this is just a short list of things I will be doing to pass the time until March Madness, which is really the next great thing in sports that people actually care about.

What I would do for Super Bowl weekend

Obviously, I've never been to Miami, and I obviously don't have tickets to the Super Bowl because I don't have that kind of money. Instead I get to stay in lovely (read: miserable) central Illinois, soaking up all of the overcast, 6 degree days. I know, you're jealous.

But there are some lucky bastards out there who are going to the Super Bowl. They're going to be in Miami for the entire weekend, or possibly they've been there for the entire week. But they have absolutely no idea how to spend their time. So this is my gift to all of those ungrateful assholes lucky enough to be in Miami. Here is how you should spend your time there.

1. Hit the bars in all white. You never know when you're going to be at a bar and Diddy will walk in. He owns Miami. Now, say you're at some little podunk sports bar that's completely empty, and you're the only person there in all white. You'll feel like a jackass, right? And then who walks in? Diddy. And he'll see you and he'll immediately want to party. Trust me. If I know Diddy, which I don't, that is exactly what would happen.

2. Try the coke. I hear that there's cocaine all over Miami. If you don't try it, it's like you're missing out on a time-honored tradition. And, as I learned this morning while listening to Sports Bloggers Live from Tuesday, you want to make sure and get the shit that isn't cut with bleach. I would totally try the coke if I was there. I'm pretty sure I could do it and not even get addicted to it. And, hell, even if I did get addicted, I could use a little variation in my life, and I think a crippling addiction to cocaine could be just the thing I need. Unfortunately, I'm not in Miami, so I'll just have to live vicariously through everyone else.

3. Find a celebrity and harass the hell out of them. Everyone's in Miami for the Super Bowl. There are your biggest sports stars, celebrities who love to party, etc. I'm sure it wouldn't be hard to find one. Just wait outside of a popular bar, again, dressed in white (on the off chance that they don't let you in, but come on! You're dressed head to toe in white!) and when a celebrity/sports personality walks out, just follow them. Oh, sure, they may act like they're not interested in talking to you, but you know they totally are. They may even get 'restraining orders,' whatever those are, or call the police, or have their bodyguards/entourage beat you senseless, but trust me. They want you to fawn over them and they love the attention.

4. Befriend a celebrity. Of course not everyone in Miami is on top of the A-list. You're probably going to find a bunch of D-list celebrities, and lower, and they're going to be getting turned away from bars, and they're going to be buying their own drinks. Losers. This is where you come in. You tell them how much you respect their work, and how you think that they totally should have gotten that role that they read for in whatever piece of shit movie is popular and maybe they should fire their agent. You may have to listen to a bunch of bullshit, but it will be worth it. Why? Because chicks love celebrities. Any celebrities. If they even look like they might be semi-famous, or even look like they might be semi-famous, chicks, especially drunk, love celebrities. So maybe if you're lucky you'll your new celebrity friend will toss you some of his scraps. On second thought, maybe this isn't such a good idea. I mean, you've got your self-respect, right? Well, if you don't, then do this.

5. Hit up the Spring Hill Nursery. Why you ask? Well, if you are a loser and went to Miami for 'family fun' or to do something stupid like go look at flowers, then this is the best place you can go. Sure it's not technically in Miami, but it's probably close. Also, you should probably go here because if you end up in Miami, Ohio, and you're thinking you're going to see the Super Bowl, you're a retard and may want to consider killing yourself.

6. Hit up the Calder Race Horse Track. If you've been morning Barbaro, as I'm sure many, many people are, this is a great place to go and pay your last respects. Also, it's a good way to gamble on something. Since there's obviously nothing else going on in Miami this weekend that you could gamble on. Nope. Not a gambling hotspot this weekend. Not at all.

So I suggest you take my advice on how to spend your time wisely in Miami. Also, you may want to bring along a sober friend, because while you're drunk and/or coked out of your mind, you may not remember much except things that aren't happening, like being attacked by spiders. Be sure to take a lot of pictures, and get as many phone numbers as possible for "networking" as well. And never be afraid to look like a jackass, because, you know, you couldn't possibly look like a bigger jackass than most of a people who live there.