What I would do for Super Bowl weekend

Obviously, I've never been to Miami, and I obviously don't have tickets to the Super Bowl because I don't have that kind of money. Instead I get to stay in lovely (read: miserable) central Illinois, soaking up all of the overcast, 6 degree days. I know, you're jealous.

But there are some lucky bastards out there who are going to the Super Bowl. They're going to be in Miami for the entire weekend, or possibly they've been there for the entire week. But they have absolutely no idea how to spend their time. So this is my gift to all of those ungrateful assholes lucky enough to be in Miami. Here is how you should spend your time there.

1. Hit the bars in all white. You never know when you're going to be at a bar and Diddy will walk in. He owns Miami. Now, say you're at some little podunk sports bar that's completely empty, and you're the only person there in all white. You'll feel like a jackass, right? And then who walks in? Diddy. And he'll see you and he'll immediately want to party. Trust me. If I know Diddy, which I don't, that is exactly what would happen.

2. Try the coke. I hear that there's cocaine all over Miami. If you don't try it, it's like you're missing out on a time-honored tradition. And, as I learned this morning while listening to Sports Bloggers Live from Tuesday, you want to make sure and get the shit that isn't cut with bleach. I would totally try the coke if I was there. I'm pretty sure I could do it and not even get addicted to it. And, hell, even if I did get addicted, I could use a little variation in my life, and I think a crippling addiction to cocaine could be just the thing I need. Unfortunately, I'm not in Miami, so I'll just have to live vicariously through everyone else.

3. Find a celebrity and harass the hell out of them. Everyone's in Miami for the Super Bowl. There are your biggest sports stars, celebrities who love to party, etc. I'm sure it wouldn't be hard to find one. Just wait outside of a popular bar, again, dressed in white (on the off chance that they don't let you in, but come on! You're dressed head to toe in white!) and when a celebrity/sports personality walks out, just follow them. Oh, sure, they may act like they're not interested in talking to you, but you know they totally are. They may even get 'restraining orders,' whatever those are, or call the police, or have their bodyguards/entourage beat you senseless, but trust me. They want you to fawn over them and they love the attention.

4. Befriend a celebrity. Of course not everyone in Miami is on top of the A-list. You're probably going to find a bunch of D-list celebrities, and lower, and they're going to be getting turned away from bars, and they're going to be buying their own drinks. Losers. This is where you come in. You tell them how much you respect their work, and how you think that they totally should have gotten that role that they read for in whatever piece of shit movie is popular and maybe they should fire their agent. You may have to listen to a bunch of bullshit, but it will be worth it. Why? Because chicks love celebrities. Any celebrities. If they even look like they might be semi-famous, or even look like they might be semi-famous, chicks, especially drunk, love celebrities. So maybe if you're lucky you'll your new celebrity friend will toss you some of his scraps. On second thought, maybe this isn't such a good idea. I mean, you've got your self-respect, right? Well, if you don't, then do this.

5. Hit up the Spring Hill Nursery. Why you ask? Well, if you are a loser and went to Miami for 'family fun' or to do something stupid like go look at flowers, then this is the best place you can go. Sure it's not technically in Miami, but it's probably close. Also, you should probably go here because if you end up in Miami, Ohio, and you're thinking you're going to see the Super Bowl, you're a retard and may want to consider killing yourself.

6. Hit up the Calder Race Horse Track. If you've been morning Barbaro, as I'm sure many, many people are, this is a great place to go and pay your last respects. Also, it's a good way to gamble on something. Since there's obviously nothing else going on in Miami this weekend that you could gamble on. Nope. Not a gambling hotspot this weekend. Not at all.

So I suggest you take my advice on how to spend your time wisely in Miami. Also, you may want to bring along a sober friend, because while you're drunk and/or coked out of your mind, you may not remember much except things that aren't happening, like being attacked by spiders. Be sure to take a lot of pictures, and get as many phone numbers as possible for "networking" as well. And never be afraid to look like a jackass, because, you know, you couldn't possibly look like a bigger jackass than most of a people who live there.