I thought I had an STD but it just turned out to be March Madness

This has got to be the best time of the year. There are still a lot of teams playing men's college basketball, and Duke isn't one of them, upsets galore (hopefully at some point through the tournament), and my birthday. And let's not forget a new season of South Park and 300 last week, which was insanely awesome.

Another great thing (*shameless self-promotion alert*) is that I started recapping The Real World on TVgasm. Which, if you were wondering, is still blocked by my firewall. I work for Nazis though, so I guess we shouldn't be surprised. Anyways, the recap is a lot more fun to do than The Surreal Life Fame Games and people actually read it. I was afraid that I was going to be hung out to dry in the comments, but actually people were pretty perceptive to the jokes. Some people even loved it. Although I'm sure their IQ's are in question.

Anyways, I don't have a lot of time this week to try and be funny, so let's just get to the list.

New this week:

Technology. Just when I think everything is working right (aside from my iTunes, whatever that's all about), my computer starts making this clicking noise and goes all blue screen, then restarts itself. Fanfuckingtastic. Not only that, it's still making the clicking noise every once in a while, so I fully expect it to crash any day now. And I definitely cannot afford to replace it. But what are you gonna do? Technology is almost dead to me.

Old Dominion. What's up ODU. Couldn't pull off the upset against Butler? Even though you totally should have. Bastards. .

Weather. Seriously, I told you to cut this shit out. It's 80 here on Tuesday night, and then it's suddenly 38 today with a chance of snow? Fuck you. That's what I say to your snow.

Gonzaga. Ok, I know you lost Josh Heytvelt because he likes magical mushrooms, but is that any reason to play Indiana like a bunch of pansies? Illinois gave a perfect recipe for beating Indiana. TWICE. But you can't follow it? Pressure the shooters, specifically Rod Wilmont. Oh, you'll just go and let him go off for 16 (or whatever he had) in the first half? Suit yourself. Losers.

Taxes. I mailed my taxes in to be processed this week. And I didn't pay that state tax bullshit. And I told the government to keep that fucking $59 they owe me. I don't need their pity. Ok, that's a lie. I totally need their pity. But fuck them anyways.

My sister. Remember how my friends were on notice last week? Well, now my sister is. Because she thinks they're soo funny. And she was challenging me to put her on the list. I think we all know she learned her lesson. I expect her to apologize profusely any second now. Any second.

Davidson. Even though I technically picked you to lose in almost every bracket I did, I'm pissed off at you. You easily had the easiest chance for an upset early in the day, and then you blew it. Not only that, in one of the brackets I filled out, I picked you to go to the sweet 16? You know what that got me? Shit. So you're on notice now. Look what you've done.

Off this week:

Work. Work probably shouldn't be off. I work in terrible conditions. It's like The Jungle all over again. Verbatim. Plus, it interrupts my college basketball watching. You know what? Work is officially back on notice. Way to go work.

Firewalls. I hate you, you suck. You won't let me to TVgasm. I need TVgasm. Fuck you.

Kelvin Sampson. Is it his fault that Gonzaga came out with a terrible gameplan and poor guard defense? No, it's Gonzaga's fault. I should put Mark Few on notice. But I won't. Even though I would be totally justified if I did. Plus, a win for the Big Ten will shut up all those other bastards complaining about the Big Ten getting 6 bids. What about the Big East? Maybe they shouldn't have gotten all those bids. Or fucking Stanford. What's that shit about? (note: technically this rant should have come last week, but apparently I was short on time)

My friends. My friends made a big comeback this week. They're just lucky that it was my birthday that they would get ample opportunities to get back in my good graces.

Anti-Chief people. I'm done with you.

So that's all I've got for this week. Feel free to check out my shit at TVgasm, because I'm awesome. What other reason do you need?

An Optimist's predictions for the Illini

The NCAA tournament starts today and I couldn't be happier. There is absolutely nothing better than this time of year. I mean, unless you hate college basketball, and you particularly hate close, exciting college basketball games. Then maybe it's not so great for you. But in that case, you're an idiot.

Looking at the Illini's matchups, I would say that there is an extremely, EXTREMELY outside chance that they could make the elite 8. And that's being incredibly optimistic. But, the Illini can totally advance past this weekend. A closer look at the matchups:

vs. Virginia Tech

VT is a quick, athletic team. Athletic teams can give slower teams a big headache if they control the pace. However, if there's one thing we've seen from the Illini this year, it's that they can slow down ANYBODY. They will make you play an ugly game. I don't necessarily see that as something Va Tech can handle. Also, I like the matchups that they present Illinois with defensively. Deron Washington is out-of-his-mind athletic, but I think Brian Randle can match his athleticism well. Leading scorer Zabian Dowdell will probably get matched up with Rich McBride, who is just about as good a defender as anybody on this team, which is actually a relief to most Illini fans, since he doesn't always bring his shot to the gym. After that, you've got a G/F who will either draw Warren Carter or Brian Randle in defense, or perhaps even Calvin Brock, the center who doesn't score a lot, and the other guard who will get matched up against Chester Frazier.

Defensively, I think we can interrupt this team's flow pretty easily, assuming the officials let us play. I also think that, since they don't really defend much in the ACC, the ACC may face some extremely tough challenges in the tournament. I like the Illini in this game, because they can out-ugly you with some of the best.

vs. SIU/Holy Cross

I'm just going to pretend that Illinois would play SIU in the second round, although Holy Cross isn't one to be taken lightly. SIU averages close to 66 ppg as a team. This could make things difficult for the Illini, because, as opposed to the ACC where they don't really defend, some of the MVC teams CAN defend. There are also some teams on the low end of the MVC (cough, Illinois State, cough) who you can go light up.

Regardless, the Salukis both defend and can score, and they bring a pretty even attack at you. Their leading scorer is Jamaal Tatum, who I assume will draw Rich McBride. After that you've got Randal Falker, whom I believe will be guarded by Brian Randle when he's on the floor. Again, I like these matchups. If there's one thing Illinois does pretty fucking well, it's disrupt the offense. Also, of the top 5 scorers on the team, the tallest guy for SIU is 6'7". I think that Pruitt's (and Carter's) size can disrupt the guys on the inside, and possibly can disrupt the Saluki's gameplan, should they need to bring in their center. (They have the size, I just don't know much about what type of offense they run or who's in their starting lineup.)

Also, I like the master coaching against his pupil. Lowery used to be an assistant of Bruce Weber's, and, whatever you feel about the Illini, you have to admit that with this team, and all the distractions, it's pretty much a miracle the Illini are in the tournament. I don't know if the Illini WILL win this game, but they definitely CAN.

vs. Kansas

I will say that I'm not even sure Kansas will make it this far. Remember last year? Everybody said they were playing the best basketball in the nation, and then they lost in the first round to Bradley.

Anyways, Kansas creates tough matchups because they bring a pretty balanced attack. Well, maybe you could call it balanced, maybe you could call the players inconsistent. I figure you match up Brandon Rush with either Rich or Randle. You don't have to worry about the PG much. You may match Julian Wright up with Randle or Carter, depending on who's on the floor for Kansas. I think, again, with the Illini's ability we can disrupt their offense. But, the problem is that Kansas can score bunches of points quickly.

One of the reason's I think the Illini can win this game is because Bill Self isn't a great coach. I think throughout the course of a season he can learn his team's abilities and whatnot. However, we've seen him fail TWICE in the tournament. With the gritty Illinois defense, we can give Kansas a game. However, if we play like we did in the Purdue game and give them a 13 minutes head start, we're definitely screwed.

Should the Illini actually advance past the first weekend, I'll update my predictions. I think Illinois might actually have a little bit of the upper hand against Virginia Tech. Gotta love the 5-12 matchup.

The easiest way to win games in March is to play perfect basketball (obviously). No turnovers, smart shots, good possessions, solid defense, make your free throws. If UNC doesn't shoot 100% from the free throw line, NC State could have taken the Illini's tournament spot away. Unfortunately, the Illini only have like one of the keys to win easy games in solid defense. If, IF we catch fire and get a lucky break or two, Illinois can find themselves in the Sweet 16. If not, we'll be looking forward to Demetri McCamey and Quincy Watkins next year.

I-L-L

The Illini are in

Well the Illini made it into the NCAA tournament. I was positive that the Illini would get in regardless of what happened in the conference tournament, but it's pretty apparent that had they not beaten Indiana, or had they gotten their shit handed to them by Wisconsin from the beginning, then Illinois would have been left out in the cold. But they're not.

Here's what I don't like though. Illinois was obviously one of the last 4 teams to get into the tournament. This is bullshit. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we're in. But why did we get the fuckjob?

You take a team like Purdue and put them at a 9-seed. What does Purdue have to show for themself? An inability to win any big games on the road, plus the ability to lose in Minnesota, zero quality wins, and a worse strength of schedule and RPI than the Illini. And yet, somehow, all of those things translate into a higher seed. Good work selection committee.

Then there's Michigan State. I understand that they helped themselves by beating Wisconsin at home and almost beating both Wisconsin and OSU on the road. But what about bad losses? The Illini beat the shit out of them when they played at Champaign.

Then you had people arguing for Drexel. I watched Bracketology on ESPN before the selection show, and the guys there said that Drexel would only be in if you put in Old Dominion. ODU just played better in conference. It says a lot for a Drexel team to play a strong out of conference schedule (and catch teams early in the season, hello Georgetown), but you've gotta back up that play in the weak conferences or you're screwed. I would have liked to see Drexel make it though, in favor of:

Stanford. Why the fuck does Stanford get in? Is it the terrible RPI? The 18-12 record? The 4-4 record vs. the 51-100 RPI teams? And they get a better seed than Illinois? I understand that Stanford did fairly well in the Pac-10, but they also got their asses kicked by an Air Force team that got left out of the field of 65. And everyone beat up on each other in the Pac-10. It's not like beating UCLA alone is enough to put you in the field either (right West Virginia?)

And Indiana gets a 7? They're RPI is one better than the Illini, and their Strength of Schedule is 52 compared to the Illini's 24. Illinois also won the series 2-1. And let's look at the quality wins that Indiana had: SIU, Wisconsin. Does beating the Illini count as a quality win also? Indiana was 5-8 vs. teams in the RPI top 50, Illinois was 4-9. Illinois beat Indiana twice. Shouldn't Illinois be closer than just one of the final four teams to be in the tournament if Indiana got in as a 7?

None of this is to say that any of these teams shouldn't have gotten in, except for Stanford. I was especially annoyed yesterday when Billy Packer was bitching about how this is the year when the fewest mid-major teams have gotten in in the past 6 years or something. You know what Packer? Just because you say things doesn't make them true. Maybe it's related to the level of play. When you've got mid-major conferences beating up on each other, the teams that stand out are the teams that are going to get at-large bids. But, maybe you're right. Maybe we should just pick the teams who haven't really played quality competition (or who have, but haven't been able to match the intensity within their own conference) as opposed to those who have. You jackass.

I'm just glad that Illinois didn't get the fuckjob I was so terrified they were going to get, even after beating Indiana. Some point before Thursday I'll go through and look at the matchups Illinois has, and I'll take a (most likely very, very optimistic) look at their chances for advancing. But until games start, I'll probably continue to bitch about the Illini not getting a better seed.