Who buys these things?
I was in Barnes & Noble last night buying some books for myself (I'm always in the spirit for giving to myself) and I was waiting in line to pay. As I'm waiting, I noticed the table full of daily calendars next to me. Just from the covers of two of these calendars, a part of me died inside. So, I thought that I would share some of these calendars, and then rip off Christian Finnegan (sort of) and describe who would buy these calendars.
Cat Naps. Oh boy. This wasn't even the first insane one I saw. Anyways, the people who buy these (or the Pooped Puppy alternative) are lonely. And sleeping animals makes them happy. For some reason. Also, I think if someone buys the Cat Naps one, they are just one step removed from being a crazy cat lady. Puppies on the other hand are awesome. I have no desire to see them sleeping, as I'd rather have one, but, puppies are awesome.
Daily Planetary Guide. NERD.
Your Best Life Now. You're not a necessarily happy person, but you may be. However, you are completely gullible. You buy into all of the self-help, life coach bullshit. I guarantee all of the things that are in this calendar are things you've heard before, but because they come from some jackass trying to profit off of them, you're going to take them to heart? Doubt it. How about instead of buying into this shit, you actually go read something that can help make you more intelligent? Or go sky-diving.
Light Houses. You are sooo boring. Looking at pictures of light houses for some reason inspires you. The only reason you should own this is in case you actually want to travel to see these in real life. Or you have a light house fetish, and I don't even want to start to think about what that means.
Common Errors in English Usage. Haha, you probably received this as a gift. If not, congratulations for trying to better yourself. But back to my initial point, if you received this gift, you are either two types of person. 1.) You are a self-confident jackass who tries to use big words to sound smart, but really you just say things like 'irregardless' which isn't a word at all, or 2.) your friends have trouble understanding what you talk about. If you're number 2, then your friends care about you, but it will result much less laughter at your expense in the future. If you're number 1, you're probably not going to get it anyways.
Stuff on My Cat. CRAZY CAT LADY!!!!!
Bad Girls. You are a pervert. You bought this thinking you were going to get something very sexy, and you saw the title. I've got some bad news for you guy...
Beading. You are either a hippie, an African tribesman, druggie, or crazy 12 year old girl who thinks beads are cool. I don't think this would even be an acceptable gift for an African tribesman judging from the cover, so I have a hard time believing there's a market for this kind of thing.
West Highland White Terriers. Ok, I like dogs. However, this is just too specific. These dogs are probably all dressed up, and they're probably all dressed up by their owners who have no kids. So, if you like dogs dressed up, you probably also have no kids of your own. And you never will if you own this.
George W. Bushisms. You may actually be able to think for yourself. Congratulations, I'm impressed.
Napoleon Dynamite. You are well, well behind the times. This movie came out, what, 2 years ago? Watch out, soon you'll hear about this thing called a video iPod. It's real!
Cartoons from The New Yorker. Ok, in all honesty, I get the New Yorker. And I never understand the cartoons. In one issue they explained some cartoons, and I didn't think they were that funny and/or a that biting of a commentary on society. If you get this, you are smarter than me, but probably not as funny. But much, much smarter. And probably much more successful. Or you at least want to appear as such.
Hatbox Mini. No no no no no. No. Only crazy old hat ladies would get this. And crazy old hat ladies need to be stopped.
Horoscope - Libra. If you get this, you are a loser. You take way too much stock in what the 'stars' say is going to happen to you, and then you read way too much into little things just so you believe your horoscope is coming true. I suggest you get a life. Dave Barry has a daily calendar. Buy it instead. Please.
Shoes Gallery. Just what I always wanted! Pictures of shoes I don't and can't have! It's perfect!
Nascar Facts. Simple redneck. Seriously, when do you ever get to see cars driving?? It's not like it happens everyday or anything.
Anne Geddes Inspirational. Do you watch The Office? Do you know the character Angela? This is probably something she would love. I picture women like her buying this. Single, they love babies because they want one, but they will never have one. But for some reason or another looking at a baby in some sort of pea pod? makes them get through their day. That's it. There it is. I've just lost all hope for humanity.
Cat Naps. Oh boy. This wasn't even the first insane one I saw. Anyways, the people who buy these (or the Pooped Puppy alternative) are lonely. And sleeping animals makes them happy. For some reason. Also, I think if someone buys the Cat Naps one, they are just one step removed from being a crazy cat lady. Puppies on the other hand are awesome. I have no desire to see them sleeping, as I'd rather have one, but, puppies are awesome.
Daily Planetary Guide. NERD.
Your Best Life Now. You're not a necessarily happy person, but you may be. However, you are completely gullible. You buy into all of the self-help, life coach bullshit. I guarantee all of the things that are in this calendar are things you've heard before, but because they come from some jackass trying to profit off of them, you're going to take them to heart? Doubt it. How about instead of buying into this shit, you actually go read something that can help make you more intelligent? Or go sky-diving.
Light Houses. You are sooo boring. Looking at pictures of light houses for some reason inspires you. The only reason you should own this is in case you actually want to travel to see these in real life. Or you have a light house fetish, and I don't even want to start to think about what that means.
Common Errors in English Usage. Haha, you probably received this as a gift. If not, congratulations for trying to better yourself. But back to my initial point, if you received this gift, you are either two types of person. 1.) You are a self-confident jackass who tries to use big words to sound smart, but really you just say things like 'irregardless' which isn't a word at all, or 2.) your friends have trouble understanding what you talk about. If you're number 2, then your friends care about you, but it will result much less laughter at your expense in the future. If you're number 1, you're probably not going to get it anyways.
Stuff on My Cat. CRAZY CAT LADY!!!!!
Bad Girls. You are a pervert. You bought this thinking you were going to get something very sexy, and you saw the title. I've got some bad news for you guy...
Beading. You are either a hippie, an African tribesman, druggie, or crazy 12 year old girl who thinks beads are cool. I don't think this would even be an acceptable gift for an African tribesman judging from the cover, so I have a hard time believing there's a market for this kind of thing.
West Highland White Terriers. Ok, I like dogs. However, this is just too specific. These dogs are probably all dressed up, and they're probably all dressed up by their owners who have no kids. So, if you like dogs dressed up, you probably also have no kids of your own. And you never will if you own this.
George W. Bushisms. You may actually be able to think for yourself. Congratulations, I'm impressed.
Napoleon Dynamite. You are well, well behind the times. This movie came out, what, 2 years ago? Watch out, soon you'll hear about this thing called a video iPod. It's real!
Cartoons from The New Yorker. Ok, in all honesty, I get the New Yorker. And I never understand the cartoons. In one issue they explained some cartoons, and I didn't think they were that funny and/or a that biting of a commentary on society. If you get this, you are smarter than me, but probably not as funny. But much, much smarter. And probably much more successful. Or you at least want to appear as such.
Hatbox Mini. No no no no no. No. Only crazy old hat ladies would get this. And crazy old hat ladies need to be stopped.
Horoscope - Libra. If you get this, you are a loser. You take way too much stock in what the 'stars' say is going to happen to you, and then you read way too much into little things just so you believe your horoscope is coming true. I suggest you get a life. Dave Barry has a daily calendar. Buy it instead. Please.
Shoes Gallery. Just what I always wanted! Pictures of shoes I don't and can't have! It's perfect!
Nascar Facts. Simple redneck. Seriously, when do you ever get to see cars driving?? It's not like it happens everyday or anything.
Anne Geddes Inspirational. Do you watch The Office? Do you know the character Angela? This is probably something she would love. I picture women like her buying this. Single, they love babies because they want one, but they will never have one. But for some reason or another looking at a baby in some sort of pea pod? makes them get through their day. That's it. There it is. I've just lost all hope for humanity.
posted by Jtrouble at 9:37 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home