The days are getting longer; your family still hates you
Yes, December 21 has passed, and so has the shortest day of the year. I actually despise December 21 for many reasons, but the most significant reason is because it is so short. I hate short things. Don't even get me started on little people*.
So with the holiday season approaching-actually you could probably say it's already here I guess-I thought I'd give everyone a little translator to what your family's reaction mean when you see those relatives you haven't seen in years because you were temporarily cut off from all contact once they saw you doing that thing with the thing.
They don't really respond to anything you say.
This probably means that they are having trouble thinking of anything polite to say. They are probably biting their tongue to rip into you for throwing away all of that money on that Viagra scam, but they won't do it at family time (that's some inner strength, by the way). Or, maybe they just don't like you enough to even make any sort of attempt at banter. Which is really their loss, because you're quite the clever banterist (it's a word). In particular, your ability to work the word 'shit' into every single conversation in a comical way is your most clever attribute, but for some reason they don't want to engage. Better leave them alone.
They will respond to you, but their voice sounds nasally.
This could mean one of two things. Either you've got some major halitosis or you've got a bad case of BO. You might want to put on some extra cologne this holiday season; you don't want your family to think you're smelly. Another obvious sign of stinking is that for Christmas they often give you soap and/or gum/mints/mouthwash, etc. They're trying to be polite in a not so subtle way. You stink. Take a shower. Smelly.
No one will make eye contact during conversation.
At least they're talking to you, right? I'm afraid this is another bad one. This means that either you have something hideously disgusting in your nose, teeth, on your face, or they just find you hideously disgusting in general. Make sure to check your teeth for huge chunks of cabbage, and use a napkin and such. And maybe a kleenex once or twice, ok? Also, maybe try actually using a fork when you're eating instead of just shoving your face directly into your food. That will prevent you from getting food all over your face in general. However, I've got some bad news for that too ugly to look at thing. Can't really cure that one. Maybe get a mask, or put on some sort of Santa Beard and sunglasses. That way they won't be able to see your lazy eye(s) or painfully large facial birthmark.
No one asks anything about what you did.
This means that your family is obviously very conceited. All they want to do is talk about themselves rather than listen to you drone on about what you've done the past year. However, I don't know if I can really blame them. You talk in such a monotone. And really, people don't want to hear about all the failed business ventures you've had in the past year. "Well, first I hung out at the dog tracks for about 4 weeks, but that wasn't really leading me anywhere, so I hit up casinos for about 2 months. Then one of my business partners mentioned something about selling bees. Surprisingly there's not much of a market for pet bees, so here I am." Maybe you should try making up some semi-successful lies about yourself. Say that you haven't been in jail 4 times in the past 8 months. Even though it's not true, they might believe it.
You didn't expect to see your family.
Uh oh. I've got some really bad news for you now. Well, both good and bad news. The first is that your family apparently cares for you. Which is surprising. The bad news is that they're all there for an intervention. They're worried about your addiction to alcohol/gambling/porn/underage girls/coke/gumballs/cherry flavored Pepsi/making your own ninja movies with poor plots and poor stunts and that it's ruining your life. If you see this, you better just turn and run the other way because they're not going to leave you alone until you check into rehab. And believe me, homemade ninja movie rehab is not a place you would even want your worst enemies to go to. So many throwing stars...
Everyone watches intently as you eat your food.
Well, they've poisoned you. If you're lucky, it will just knock you out and you'll wake up back at home. If you're not so lucky, they want you dead. The best thing to do would just be to try to get everyone to leave the table, and then switch around everyone's plates so they don't know whose food is poisoned. I guess you don't have to get them to leave, but it may look kind of strange when you switch 15 plates around. But hey, you're saving your own life. They won't kill you that easily.
The uncle you didn't think was crazy continues to make throat-slashing signals in your direction.
At first you thought it was funny, but he keeps doing it. This either means that he is crazy or that he wants you dead. Or maybe everyone wants you dead, but he's just giving you the heads up so you freak out about it. I would watch my step if I were you.
No one lets you anywhere near your young nieces/nephews/cousins.
Apparently they think you're going to do something 'inappropriate' in front of them. For some reason your family doesn't appreciate when you try wrestling moves on the little ones. Also, they say it's 'inappropriate' to sit around in a speedo while watching tv. Whatever, if they want to live like it's Communist China, that's their prerogative. Apparently that young girls addiction didn't make them more lenient for either, surprisingly. Also, I don't think they approve of you teaching the young ones the names of disgusting sexual acts and what they mean. What a bunch of dictators.
So this should serve as a heads up to know what to do when you see these reactions. Perhaps you can even prevent some of these problems from occurring. Except the speedo thing. That's just how you roll.
*I'm just kidding, I love little people. I think everyone should have one**
**That was totally out of line, but meh, I doubt anyone cares
So with the holiday season approaching-actually you could probably say it's already here I guess-I thought I'd give everyone a little translator to what your family's reaction mean when you see those relatives you haven't seen in years because you were temporarily cut off from all contact once they saw you doing that thing with the thing.
They don't really respond to anything you say.
This probably means that they are having trouble thinking of anything polite to say. They are probably biting their tongue to rip into you for throwing away all of that money on that Viagra scam, but they won't do it at family time (that's some inner strength, by the way). Or, maybe they just don't like you enough to even make any sort of attempt at banter. Which is really their loss, because you're quite the clever banterist (it's a word). In particular, your ability to work the word 'shit' into every single conversation in a comical way is your most clever attribute, but for some reason they don't want to engage. Better leave them alone.
They will respond to you, but their voice sounds nasally.
This could mean one of two things. Either you've got some major halitosis or you've got a bad case of BO. You might want to put on some extra cologne this holiday season; you don't want your family to think you're smelly. Another obvious sign of stinking is that for Christmas they often give you soap and/or gum/mints/mouthwash, etc. They're trying to be polite in a not so subtle way. You stink. Take a shower. Smelly.
No one will make eye contact during conversation.
At least they're talking to you, right? I'm afraid this is another bad one. This means that either you have something hideously disgusting in your nose, teeth, on your face, or they just find you hideously disgusting in general. Make sure to check your teeth for huge chunks of cabbage, and use a napkin and such. And maybe a kleenex once or twice, ok? Also, maybe try actually using a fork when you're eating instead of just shoving your face directly into your food. That will prevent you from getting food all over your face in general. However, I've got some bad news for that too ugly to look at thing. Can't really cure that one. Maybe get a mask, or put on some sort of Santa Beard and sunglasses. That way they won't be able to see your lazy eye(s) or painfully large facial birthmark.
No one asks anything about what you did.
This means that your family is obviously very conceited. All they want to do is talk about themselves rather than listen to you drone on about what you've done the past year. However, I don't know if I can really blame them. You talk in such a monotone. And really, people don't want to hear about all the failed business ventures you've had in the past year. "Well, first I hung out at the dog tracks for about 4 weeks, but that wasn't really leading me anywhere, so I hit up casinos for about 2 months. Then one of my business partners mentioned something about selling bees. Surprisingly there's not much of a market for pet bees, so here I am." Maybe you should try making up some semi-successful lies about yourself. Say that you haven't been in jail 4 times in the past 8 months. Even though it's not true, they might believe it.
You didn't expect to see your family.
Uh oh. I've got some really bad news for you now. Well, both good and bad news. The first is that your family apparently cares for you. Which is surprising. The bad news is that they're all there for an intervention. They're worried about your addiction to alcohol/gambling/porn/underage girls/coke/gumballs/cherry flavored Pepsi/making your own ninja movies with poor plots and poor stunts and that it's ruining your life. If you see this, you better just turn and run the other way because they're not going to leave you alone until you check into rehab. And believe me, homemade ninja movie rehab is not a place you would even want your worst enemies to go to. So many throwing stars...
Everyone watches intently as you eat your food.
Well, they've poisoned you. If you're lucky, it will just knock you out and you'll wake up back at home. If you're not so lucky, they want you dead. The best thing to do would just be to try to get everyone to leave the table, and then switch around everyone's plates so they don't know whose food is poisoned. I guess you don't have to get them to leave, but it may look kind of strange when you switch 15 plates around. But hey, you're saving your own life. They won't kill you that easily.
The uncle you didn't think was crazy continues to make throat-slashing signals in your direction.
At first you thought it was funny, but he keeps doing it. This either means that he is crazy or that he wants you dead. Or maybe everyone wants you dead, but he's just giving you the heads up so you freak out about it. I would watch my step if I were you.
No one lets you anywhere near your young nieces/nephews/cousins.
Apparently they think you're going to do something 'inappropriate' in front of them. For some reason your family doesn't appreciate when you try wrestling moves on the little ones. Also, they say it's 'inappropriate' to sit around in a speedo while watching tv. Whatever, if they want to live like it's Communist China, that's their prerogative. Apparently that young girls addiction didn't make them more lenient for either, surprisingly. Also, I don't think they approve of you teaching the young ones the names of disgusting sexual acts and what they mean. What a bunch of dictators.
So this should serve as a heads up to know what to do when you see these reactions. Perhaps you can even prevent some of these problems from occurring. Except the speedo thing. That's just how you roll.
*I'm just kidding, I love little people. I think everyone should have one**
**That was totally out of line, but meh, I doubt anyone cares
posted by Jtrouble at 8:47 AM
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