Current Events Roundup

Every morning when I get to work I try to read cnn.com. I enjoy knowing what's going on in the world, and I'm too lazy to actually read a newspaper. Mostly I just read through the headlines on the page, unless I see something about how five dogs robbed a bank and then got away. But I thought today, and possibly many times in the future, I'd just give everybody a little overview of what's going on in the world.

Edwards' wife battling cancer again. Is that the proper way to punctuate the possessive Edwards? I don't think so. But, then again, I don't have a grammar book right here. If only there was a world of information right at my fingertips. Hmm. Well, anyways, hey! Someone who's running for president 18 MONTHS FROM NOW is married, and his wife has cancer. If that's not free press, I don't know what is. Listen, I'm all for battling cancer and everything, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, except possibly the people who made Penny Dreadful. But all of this just seems like Edwards is exploiting the fact that his wife (whom I'd never heard of before this) has cancer so he can look like a supportive family man who is going through what all of us go through. Remember the John Edwards who announced his candidacy on the Daily Show? Where is that guy? Also, did America really need a press conference to find out that the cancer is treatable but not curable? Should I call a press conference after I complete my yearly physicals? No, and no.

Report: New Orleans levee planners ignored danger signs. Wow, really? Why, I had no idea. I'm so glad that this report was done. Because without it, America would have no idea. People really messed up and were completely unprepared for a hurricane of that size? I never would have guessed. Because I'm incapable of, you know, thought processes. You know what a report should be done on next? Video iPods. I wonder if they're a good invention. You know who should get credit for this report? 60 Minutes. Because I watched 60 Minutes 18 months ago and saw this report. Why is America so retarded?

Angelina Jolie's son's sad early life. You mean conditions AREN'T ideal in Vietnam? That is news to me. Here I was thinking that all of Vietnam was just like Hollywood. Big houses, expensive cars, overpriced, plentiful food. I'm glad that someone managed to report to me that Vietnam is not PERFECTLY ideal, although I'm sure it's still pretty close. I was thinking of vacationing there, so maybe I'll go to Chechnya instead. I hear it's beautiful and cheap. And no one knows of it!

Harvard group promotes abstinence on campus. I've not been to Harvard. I don't personally know anyone who's been to Harvard. I've not even actually seen the campus of Harvard. However, I assume that this is not going to go over to well, since Harvard is, in fact, a COLLEGE. And why is this a story? I assume there are groups all over colleges promoting abstinence. Did no one promote abstinence at Harvard until now? With all those people who are richer/smarter than me who go there, no one thought, "Hey, you know what's a great idea? Abstinence. Let's force our opinions on other people!" until now? I kind of find that hard to believe. The real story would have been if a group was promoting orgies or something. Would a group promoting the opposite of abstinence, whatever that is, get the same press? Or would that be offensive? I give this a Baaaaaaaaah.

Dina Lohan: I'm not a club-hopping 'party mom'. The entertainment headlines are such low fruit. It's like shooting fish in a barrel, but easier. Just because Dina Lohan may go club-hopping 5 nights a week, and just because she likes to party, that doesn't make her a club-hopping party mom. It makes her a responsible parents with who is still responsible for a minor (Little Lohan isn't 18 yet, is she?).

That's about all I've got for now. Check back this afternoon when I put everyone in the world on notice. Ok, that's not going to happen. Or is it? Would I really give it away. I bet the tension is mounting in your world now.

I will be an awesome parent

I saw this article on cnn.com yesterday and I really disagreed with it. I mean, how could you recommend parents to deal with some of those annoying things kids say like that? That's terrible advice. So I wanted to weigh in with my two cents on actual good parenting, not that razzmatazz parenting they recommend.

Here is how you should respond to the annoying phrases if you want to be a non-shitty parent:

"Mine!"

"Oh yeah you little punk? Well, you're mine, so I technically own you, so anything you own is technically owned by me. I don't want to get into semantics with you, because your brain is too small and simple to handle it, so you better trust me. Also, stop being so annoying." This response could be met by tears and/or confused looks, but trust me, it's all part of their plan. They love looking hurt and confused because then they get their way. Also, I recommend the use of violence to rip things out of their hands. To drive home the point, I think you should probably follow them around for 2 or 3 days, saying 'Mine!' and ripping everything they pick up out of their hands. Then they'll know who they're dealing with.

"It's not fair!"

"You know what else isn't fair? You were an accident. But nooo, because once your mother got pregnant she stayed pregnant. I've dated other girls like that, too. No I haven't. Why don't you remember that no matter how much I don't want you around, I can't throw you in the dumpster. And how is that fair to me??" Again, this might be met with tears. But in the end I think your kids will respect you more for it. Because honesty breeds respect. Also, it's better they learn early in life that things are never fair, so they don't go and develop things like 'high spirits' whatever those are. I would probably get rid of all your kids' toys if they ever say this too. But make sure to destroy them in a really horrific way. Because that's just funny.

The man I get my parenting advice from

"You're not the boss of me"

"You want to bet I'm not the boss of you? I own you. You're mine. I could sell you on the black market. I could harvest your organs. I am the boss of you. But who said anything about a boss anyways? Why don't I just let you be your own boss and fend for yourself. You can buy your own groceries, pay rent, bathe yourself. What are people going to say when they see a two-year-old walking down the aisles at the grocery store? That person should have listened to their boss." Tough love is the best way to respond to this. But, we all know that you hate your boss and secretly scheme ways to kill him/her. Maybe that's where this whole boss comment came from. I would watch out for any sort of signs that your child may be plotting to kill you. And remember to think outside of the box, because with their seemingly undeveloped mind, they could probably come up with a number of original ways to kill you that you wouldn't even think. Like bashing your face in with a building block. Wouldn't have expected that would you? You're welcome.

"I want it now!"

"You know what I want now you little bastard? I want you to shut the hell up. All you do all day is talk, talk, talk, complain, complain, complain, shit your pants, throw up, make a mess, stink. I want all of those things to end, but will they? Probably not, unless you mature about 5 years in the next 2 seconds. So why don't you just chill out. The more you scream about wanting it, the more I want it. Until, of course, you stop wanting it, and then I will just throw it away. I think I have a psychological problem with wanting things until I have them, then losing interest." I guarantee the only response you'll get from this is confusion. But that's perfect. Because by confusing them, they won't even know what the hell they were whining about wanting in the first place. Maybe just jingle your keys to bring them out of that confused stupor. Seriously though, you may want to think about seeing a therapist about dealing with that problem.

"You never let me do anything."

"Oh you think so, do you smart ass? Well, guess what. You're really going to see what it's like to not do anything. You will remain trapped in this house for as long as I want. You can't even go to school any more. And you get no toys. But you know what? I'm gonna do whatever I want all the time. No more staying home to take care of you. No more waking up in the middle of the night when you call my name, terrified of the boogeyman. I'm gonna let him get you! He and I had this understanding before that if you said my name, it was sort of a sanctuary and he wouldn't get you, but fuck that, I'm telling him and you're all his. What was I saying? Oh yeah! You were an accident!" In a situation like this, I think it's probably best to withhold food from the kids for a while. Just to show them you mean business. And when I say a while, I mean as long as it takes until they apologize for what they've done. A couple days after the apology.

"I don't like you."

"Big fucking deal. I don't like you either. In fact, I would rather spend as much time AWAY from you as possible. But the courts don't seem to think that that's responsible parenting. Well, the joke is on them, because the longer I spend with you, the more I don't like you. But what can you do about it. You're stuck with me. I, however, have the means to kill you. I could do it. I could kill you in your sleep and you'd have no idea. All I have to do is decide to do it. Sleep tight tonight junior. Also, don't be so annoying." Really this is the easiest one to deal with, because, really, who's going to care what a kid says. I know I wouldn't. They like eating boogers and stuff. And they're fickle.

Parenting is easy.

The serious turning point of the season

So I came out in huge defense of Bruce Weber, and some people agreed, some didn't, no big deal. I welcome all opinions. Yours just sucks. But, regardless, the team came out and let me down hugely, making me look kind of like a jackass. Which is nothing I'm not used to.

I didn't watch the game on Sunday. There were more important things at hand, such as the Bears game. I would pick a Cubs playoff game over the Bears regular season (luckily I don't ever have to make that decision) and I would pick a Bears playoff game over the Illini, and obviously, March Madness trumps everything.

But anyways, I can't accurately say how disgusted or enamored with some portions of the game. And I'm totally cool with that, because from the sounds of it, I should have been disgusted with all of it and enamored with less than none of it, even though that's not technically possible.

I mean, seriously, how is Rich McBride our leading scorer? Don't get me wrong, I think it's a pleasant surprise, since I pretty much hate everything about Rich McBride after I was such a huge fan of him during his freshman year. And then Brian Randle just disappears after beating ass in the Iowa game? So disappointing.

This team has been up and down all season. Initially we couldn't come out to a fast start and we would fall behind every competitor consistently. I think right around the Arizona game was where we turned that around. But, then we couldn't finish the game. Missing our two best players (arguably at that time at least), we thought we'd be in for great things when everyone got healthy.

But we still can't finish games. Up against Arizona, Xavier, Michigan, Michigan State, we just can't play in the second half. Hopefully this team will learn to play as well in the second half as it does in the first half, but so far this team has been a team that will only play one half well.

So tonight is a turning point for the season. If we lose tonight, at Minnesota, we can probably write off the NIT in addition to writing off the NCAA tournament. If we win tonight, we're home against Wisconsin and Indiana. Wisconsin is not an unstoppable team, and if Randle is able to lock up Alando Tucker (which is obviously no easy task) then we have a chance in that game. I don't expect us to win, but I hope it would be a closer game than against OSU.

Following that game is the home game vs. Indiana. The only other games we can lose this Big Ten season are to Wisconsin and atIndiana. If we lose anything else, I would write our chances of making the NCAA Tournament off.

It's not just the fact that we have to win those games though. The way this team is playing, they're making virtually every game look way more difficult than it should be. And they're also showing they can't win on the road.

So that's why tonight is a turning point. Come out strong, beat the shit out of Minnesota and prove that we can win big on the road. If we lose tonight, or if it's a close game, people will just be talking about how we barely squeaked by a shitty opponent and how we could lose to Penn State or Purdue or at Iowa.

And I probably won't have much of a rebuttal. I mean I will, because I'm a know-it-all jackass, but it will be even more far-fetched than usual.