I will be an awesome parent

I saw this article on cnn.com yesterday and I really disagreed with it. I mean, how could you recommend parents to deal with some of those annoying things kids say like that? That's terrible advice. So I wanted to weigh in with my two cents on actual good parenting, not that razzmatazz parenting they recommend.

Here is how you should respond to the annoying phrases if you want to be a non-shitty parent:

"Mine!"

"Oh yeah you little punk? Well, you're mine, so I technically own you, so anything you own is technically owned by me. I don't want to get into semantics with you, because your brain is too small and simple to handle it, so you better trust me. Also, stop being so annoying." This response could be met by tears and/or confused looks, but trust me, it's all part of their plan. They love looking hurt and confused because then they get their way. Also, I recommend the use of violence to rip things out of their hands. To drive home the point, I think you should probably follow them around for 2 or 3 days, saying 'Mine!' and ripping everything they pick up out of their hands. Then they'll know who they're dealing with.

"It's not fair!"

"You know what else isn't fair? You were an accident. But nooo, because once your mother got pregnant she stayed pregnant. I've dated other girls like that, too. No I haven't. Why don't you remember that no matter how much I don't want you around, I can't throw you in the dumpster. And how is that fair to me??" Again, this might be met with tears. But in the end I think your kids will respect you more for it. Because honesty breeds respect. Also, it's better they learn early in life that things are never fair, so they don't go and develop things like 'high spirits' whatever those are. I would probably get rid of all your kids' toys if they ever say this too. But make sure to destroy them in a really horrific way. Because that's just funny.

The man I get my parenting advice from

"You're not the boss of me"

"You want to bet I'm not the boss of you? I own you. You're mine. I could sell you on the black market. I could harvest your organs. I am the boss of you. But who said anything about a boss anyways? Why don't I just let you be your own boss and fend for yourself. You can buy your own groceries, pay rent, bathe yourself. What are people going to say when they see a two-year-old walking down the aisles at the grocery store? That person should have listened to their boss." Tough love is the best way to respond to this. But, we all know that you hate your boss and secretly scheme ways to kill him/her. Maybe that's where this whole boss comment came from. I would watch out for any sort of signs that your child may be plotting to kill you. And remember to think outside of the box, because with their seemingly undeveloped mind, they could probably come up with a number of original ways to kill you that you wouldn't even think. Like bashing your face in with a building block. Wouldn't have expected that would you? You're welcome.

"I want it now!"

"You know what I want now you little bastard? I want you to shut the hell up. All you do all day is talk, talk, talk, complain, complain, complain, shit your pants, throw up, make a mess, stink. I want all of those things to end, but will they? Probably not, unless you mature about 5 years in the next 2 seconds. So why don't you just chill out. The more you scream about wanting it, the more I want it. Until, of course, you stop wanting it, and then I will just throw it away. I think I have a psychological problem with wanting things until I have them, then losing interest." I guarantee the only response you'll get from this is confusion. But that's perfect. Because by confusing them, they won't even know what the hell they were whining about wanting in the first place. Maybe just jingle your keys to bring them out of that confused stupor. Seriously though, you may want to think about seeing a therapist about dealing with that problem.

"You never let me do anything."

"Oh you think so, do you smart ass? Well, guess what. You're really going to see what it's like to not do anything. You will remain trapped in this house for as long as I want. You can't even go to school any more. And you get no toys. But you know what? I'm gonna do whatever I want all the time. No more staying home to take care of you. No more waking up in the middle of the night when you call my name, terrified of the boogeyman. I'm gonna let him get you! He and I had this understanding before that if you said my name, it was sort of a sanctuary and he wouldn't get you, but fuck that, I'm telling him and you're all his. What was I saying? Oh yeah! You were an accident!" In a situation like this, I think it's probably best to withhold food from the kids for a while. Just to show them you mean business. And when I say a while, I mean as long as it takes until they apologize for what they've done. A couple days after the apology.

"I don't like you."

"Big fucking deal. I don't like you either. In fact, I would rather spend as much time AWAY from you as possible. But the courts don't seem to think that that's responsible parenting. Well, the joke is on them, because the longer I spend with you, the more I don't like you. But what can you do about it. You're stuck with me. I, however, have the means to kill you. I could do it. I could kill you in your sleep and you'd have no idea. All I have to do is decide to do it. Sleep tight tonight junior. Also, don't be so annoying." Really this is the easiest one to deal with, because, really, who's going to care what a kid says. I know I wouldn't. They like eating boogers and stuff. And they're fickle.

Parenting is easy.