Current Events Roundup
Every morning when I get to work I try to read cnn.com. I enjoy knowing what's going on in the world, and I'm too lazy to actually read a newspaper. Mostly I just read through the headlines on the page, unless I see something about how five dogs robbed a bank and then got away. But I thought today, and possibly many times in the future, I'd just give everybody a little overview of what's going on in the world.
Edwards' wife battling cancer again. Is that the proper way to punctuate the possessive Edwards? I don't think so. But, then again, I don't have a grammar book right here. If only there was a world of information right at my fingertips. Hmm. Well, anyways, hey! Someone who's running for president 18 MONTHS FROM NOW is married, and his wife has cancer. If that's not free press, I don't know what is. Listen, I'm all for battling cancer and everything, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, except possibly the people who made Penny Dreadful. But all of this just seems like Edwards is exploiting the fact that his wife (whom I'd never heard of before this) has cancer so he can look like a supportive family man who is going through what all of us go through. Remember the John Edwards who announced his candidacy on the Daily Show? Where is that guy? Also, did America really need a press conference to find out that the cancer is treatable but not curable? Should I call a press conference after I complete my yearly physicals? No, and no.
Report: New Orleans levee planners ignored danger signs. Wow, really? Why, I had no idea. I'm so glad that this report was done. Because without it, America would have no idea. People really messed up and were completely unprepared for a hurricane of that size? I never would have guessed. Because I'm incapable of, you know, thought processes. You know what a report should be done on next? Video iPods. I wonder if they're a good invention. You know who should get credit for this report? 60 Minutes. Because I watched 60 Minutes 18 months ago and saw this report. Why is America so retarded?
Angelina Jolie's son's sad early life. You mean conditions AREN'T ideal in Vietnam? That is news to me. Here I was thinking that all of Vietnam was just like Hollywood. Big houses, expensive cars, overpriced, plentiful food. I'm glad that someone managed to report to me that Vietnam is not PERFECTLY ideal, although I'm sure it's still pretty close. I was thinking of vacationing there, so maybe I'll go to Chechnya instead. I hear it's beautiful and cheap. And no one knows of it!
Harvard group promotes abstinence on campus. I've not been to Harvard. I don't personally know anyone who's been to Harvard. I've not even actually seen the campus of Harvard. However, I assume that this is not going to go over to well, since Harvard is, in fact, a COLLEGE. And why is this a story? I assume there are groups all over colleges promoting abstinence. Did no one promote abstinence at Harvard until now? With all those people who are richer/smarter than me who go there, no one thought, "Hey, you know what's a great idea? Abstinence. Let's force our opinions on other people!" until now? I kind of find that hard to believe. The real story would have been if a group was promoting orgies or something. Would a group promoting the opposite of abstinence, whatever that is, get the same press? Or would that be offensive? I give this a Baaaaaaaaah.
Dina Lohan: I'm not a club-hopping 'party mom'. The entertainment headlines are such low fruit. It's like shooting fish in a barrel, but easier. Just because Dina Lohan may go club-hopping 5 nights a week, and just because she likes to party, that doesn't make her a club-hopping party mom. It makes her a responsible parents with who is still responsible for a minor (Little Lohan isn't 18 yet, is she?).
That's about all I've got for now. Check back this afternoon when I put everyone in the world on notice. Ok, that's not going to happen. Or is it? Would I really give it away. I bet the tension is mounting in your world now.
Edwards' wife battling cancer again. Is that the proper way to punctuate the possessive Edwards? I don't think so. But, then again, I don't have a grammar book right here. If only there was a world of information right at my fingertips. Hmm. Well, anyways, hey! Someone who's running for president 18 MONTHS FROM NOW is married, and his wife has cancer. If that's not free press, I don't know what is. Listen, I'm all for battling cancer and everything, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, except possibly the people who made Penny Dreadful. But all of this just seems like Edwards is exploiting the fact that his wife (whom I'd never heard of before this) has cancer so he can look like a supportive family man who is going through what all of us go through. Remember the John Edwards who announced his candidacy on the Daily Show? Where is that guy? Also, did America really need a press conference to find out that the cancer is treatable but not curable? Should I call a press conference after I complete my yearly physicals? No, and no.
Report: New Orleans levee planners ignored danger signs. Wow, really? Why, I had no idea. I'm so glad that this report was done. Because without it, America would have no idea. People really messed up and were completely unprepared for a hurricane of that size? I never would have guessed. Because I'm incapable of, you know, thought processes. You know what a report should be done on next? Video iPods. I wonder if they're a good invention. You know who should get credit for this report? 60 Minutes. Because I watched 60 Minutes 18 months ago and saw this report. Why is America so retarded?
Angelina Jolie's son's sad early life. You mean conditions AREN'T ideal in Vietnam? That is news to me. Here I was thinking that all of Vietnam was just like Hollywood. Big houses, expensive cars, overpriced, plentiful food. I'm glad that someone managed to report to me that Vietnam is not PERFECTLY ideal, although I'm sure it's still pretty close. I was thinking of vacationing there, so maybe I'll go to Chechnya instead. I hear it's beautiful and cheap. And no one knows of it!
Harvard group promotes abstinence on campus. I've not been to Harvard. I don't personally know anyone who's been to Harvard. I've not even actually seen the campus of Harvard. However, I assume that this is not going to go over to well, since Harvard is, in fact, a COLLEGE. And why is this a story? I assume there are groups all over colleges promoting abstinence. Did no one promote abstinence at Harvard until now? With all those people who are richer/smarter than me who go there, no one thought, "Hey, you know what's a great idea? Abstinence. Let's force our opinions on other people!" until now? I kind of find that hard to believe. The real story would have been if a group was promoting orgies or something. Would a group promoting the opposite of abstinence, whatever that is, get the same press? Or would that be offensive? I give this a Baaaaaaaaah.
Dina Lohan: I'm not a club-hopping 'party mom'. The entertainment headlines are such low fruit. It's like shooting fish in a barrel, but easier. Just because Dina Lohan may go club-hopping 5 nights a week, and just because she likes to party, that doesn't make her a club-hopping party mom. It makes her a responsible parents with who is still responsible for a minor (Little Lohan isn't 18 yet, is she?).
That's about all I've got for now. Check back this afternoon when I put everyone in the world on notice. Ok, that's not going to happen. Or is it? Would I really give it away. I bet the tension is mounting in your world now.
Labels: I am a jackass, I understand current events, low-hanging fruit
posted by Jtrouble at 8:05 AM
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