What is wrong with TV today (a statement, not a question)

Behold at your own risk.



I did a search on Youtube for 'funniest Ugly Betty clip' and it obviously returned no hits. This video is the best of the first five episodes of the season. I tried to watch this shite but I could barely get 1/3 of the way through it before violently vomiting all over my computer screen and stabbing out my eyes. But apparently this is what the 'writers' feel is the best show on television today. Which somehow beats out The Office? That is absolutely ridiculous. But, regardless of whether or not it's better than The Office, which it obviously is not, tell me how it's funnier than this:



That's right, you can't tell me how it's funnier. You know why? BECAUSE IT'S NOT. Come on!

There's no way that shitty show Ugly Betty is funnier than most of the shit on TV. But, regardless, it won a Golden Globe (the Hollywood Foreign Press is made up of meth addicts and crack babies) as the best comedy something or other. And, somehow, it's one of the top rated shows on television. (I'll point out that not only do I not watch the show, the only reason I don't protest against it is because Salma Hayek is occasionally on it. That and the crippling laziness.)

I seem to remember the actual funniest show on TV also winning an assload of awards. For some reason though, it was marketed about as well as my ass. Actually slightly worse, as my ass hasn't won nearly as many awards but has not been cancelled yet. Let my good friend David Cross help me explain my point:



And THIS is what is wrong with TV today. Somehow Ugly Betty, while winning the Golden Globe, regardless of whether or not I agree with it, which I don't, is promoted incredibly well on ABC's estrogen programming network. Which basically includes everything except Lost.

But an amazing show like Arrested Development, which won every kind of award and was praised by absolutely every single person in American with an IQ of over 50, got promoted like shit. And what was FOX wasting their time promoting instead of AD? A complete pile of shit. And that's just one season. I could go into more detail about the massive fuck-ups that have been cancelled during the run of Arrested Development and since Arrested Development, but I won't. Because I'm lazy.

FOX completely fucked over everyone who appreciates intelligent, edgy, groundbreaking comedy in favor of the shitfest 'Til Death and other similar shows. By failing to promote or market the best show on TV (for all three seasons) and then cutting two of the seasons short, they basically admitted that they didn't know what to do with a show that was actually good.

But luckily for all of us they've been able to keep pieces of shit like The War at Home on the air. So out of protest I refuse to watch anything on Fox unless I have some reason to think I will like the show. And, 9 times out of 10 that never happens. So, good work original Fox programming. I hope everything you've had that's successful goes to a channel that isn't completely inept at marketing. (And just to point out how bad Fox is at it, even CBS keeps their show on the air!) I also hope aliens come down and eat all of your children.

Suzanne Somers' Malibu house burns: I question whether or not life is worth continuing

I am a heartless robot. There is very little that fazes me. But when I read on cnn.com that Suzanne Somers' Malibu home had burned down, I broke down in tears. Seriously. I contemplated for about 2 hours after that whether or not life was worth living while knowing that her Malibu house had burnt.

Sure, I could go into denial. "Her house is still there," I could say. "She still has all of those glorious possessions in there; all of her Nobel Prizes for awarded for genius and all of the Great Humanitarian awards, not to mention all of the other Purple Hearts and other military honors she's received." But, I think, deep down, I would know that it wasn't true. She's lost all of those things she's never won, and she'll never not win them again!!!

Ultimately I've decided to go on. Her house would have wanted it that way. I think all of the possessions she lost would have wanted it that way. So I'm going to go on, and spread the word about how terrible it is when celebrities lose their things. And how much better they are than you and me.

Seriously, it sucks that her house burnt down. But why does her house (which she wasn't even in by the way) get singled out as the biggest story from the Malibu wildfires? This is some kind of bullshit.

She probably has other houses. I'm sure that house was insured for a shitload of money. But some people only have one house. Where's their story on cnn.com?

Ok, so it's Malibu. Probably everybody there is loaded anyways. And you know what? I don't feel sorry for them. Because God forbid they have to go spend a couple nights in a 5-star hotel in Beverly Hills before purchasing another million dollar property. "But it's not on the beach in Malibu," they'll say. And I'll say 'Who fucking cares."

Serves you right. You know the risks that go along with living there. It's not like there are never fires in California.

The real story is the people who aren't multi-millionaires (if there are any there) who lost all of their shit. We've had a fire before. Two actually. Our house didn't burn, but my dad lost a ton of shit he needed. You know, for living. Or for providing a living for us. And it sucked. A lot. So if there is someone out there who lost all their shit and can't buy a new house until they get their insurance money, they have my sympathy.

See? Maybe I'm not a robot after all.

I just really want to say fuck the entire celebrity obsession. It's no more of a story if Suzanne Somers loses her house than someone I don't know loses their house. It sucks either way, but if it's Suzanne Somers, they'll report it. Fuck that.