If Satan had a channel on basic cable, it would be MTV

So I accidentally glanced at MTV during last night's Video Music Awards. I mean, it's my own fault, I hate pretty much everything about MTV, aside from some of the newer bands out there that finally get their big break, which then unfortunately leads to overexposure, which leads to me hating them. It really is a downward spiral once they get that break. Anyways, I was lucky enough to catch the Jackass guys (who I love because it's semi-original, and absolutely hilarious because everyone laughs at themselves) at least drunk, if not more, perhaps coked out of their minds, giving out the award for the viewer's choice. So Fall Out Boy wins the award, which I'm cool with, because I've been a fan of Fall Out Boy since Take This To Your Grave and then I found out that loho knows their tour manager. And I also kind of know him. And by 'know him', I mean 'the first time i got drunk was at his house'.

Anyways, Pete Wentz is overexposed, and that definitely has a double meaning if you know anything about the band. But whatever, they won, and then a little later Al Gore was introduced. First, he was introduced by Queen Latifah. Does anyone remember that she used to rap? Well, she opened with a frightening statistic. The world population is growing!! How terrible! So she tells us that we need to do our part. And by that I'm assuming she means we need to undergo an ethnic cleansing. First up are the Samoans (note: I'm kidding. we all know that the eskimos are the first to go). With that she brings out Al Gore. He goes into this lecture about global warming showing pictures and whatnot. And this pretty much makes me sick to my stomach.

Ok Al. Can I call you Al? How about Thumper? Great. Ok Thumper, I get it, you made a movie about global warming and now you're trying to recognize that our generation is in a position to possibly slow global warming and whatnot. But is MTV's VMA's really the best place for you to go about this? And while I know it's probably not your fault, I'm hoping the company that produced your movie made you do this, couldn't they at least lobby for something other than following the drunk/possibly coked up Jackass guys?

MTV needs to decide, are they self-righteous environmental pricks who are telling you daily that you can do your part to improve our world? Or are they just doing it so they look like they're semi-responsible after airing 23.5 hours of Laguna Beach and SuperSweet Sixteen episodes where people are so wasteful and have no idea what it's like to live on less than $250,000 a year? I absolutely hate pretty much everything that MTV stands for, whatever that may be. I'm just glad that they can have a clear conscious about showing celebrity homes and their 4 cars each worth $200,000, and then they judge me for running the water while I brush my teeth.

Which is why Meerkat Manor has replaced the hole left in my life where Laguna Beach once used to be.

What am I missing here?

Ok, so in addition to my usual daily rants about Dusty Baker's inability to manage a tee-ball team, let alone professionals, I will also be ranting today about Jim Hendry's inability to general manage a team. Or put together a team, since general manage makes no sense.

Obviously the reason Dusty Baker should lose his job today is a sweep at the hands of the Pirates. The Pirates, annually one of the worst teams in the NL, taught us a lesson these past 3 days. Honestly, there's not really anything else to say besides the fact that the Cubs got swept by the Pirates. I think saying anything else would take focus off of that fact.

So why does Dusty Baker still have a job? I don't know. But don't you dare hint that because Jim Hendry is in Pittsburgh that maybe Dusty will get the adze (I've been looking to use that word for weeks now). Hendry said he would wait until the end of the season to decide on the future of Dusty Baker with the Cubs. Well, I mean, if you're blind and don't really understand the concept of baseball, or the concept of any sport in general where the object is to win, then you probably wouldn't have already decided on the future of Dusty Baker, but only in that case. And if Dusty's future involves anything other than a swift kick in the pants, possibly dressing him up as a little girl in a dress and shoving him out the door, then you yourself should probably not be in a position of authority.

Maybe I'm way off with my hatred here. Maybe Dusty is trying to lose so he doesn't get rehired. He's hinted at the fact that he may not come back to manage before. Maybe he hates Jim Hendry with all of his being, so much that he's losing out of spite. Well, not really out of spite because he's a terrible manager as it is, but he's losing more out of spite. Maybe Dusty is sick of Hendry not bringing in old washed up players. Or even bringing in old good players.

My theory is that Hendry has too much respect for Baker to fire him. Where that respect comes from remains to be seen. Unless he really likes hearing stories about Hank Aaron. So Baker shouldn't be doing this 'woe is me' routine, because a GM who actually cared about winning would have fired him 18 months ago. At least 12. Or maybe Hendry has no respect for him, so he would like Baker to embarrass himself for the rest of the season, always dodging questions about if he'll get fired or not.

Another note from attending the Peoria Chiefs game last night. Those players will have some learning to do if they want to make it to the bigs and play for the Cubs. Stop taking walks, stop throwing the ball around before the game. Pretty much just stop practicing and doing anything to improve. They'll burn their way through the system that way.

This is getting ridiculous Cubs

Ok Jim Hendry. I see what you're trying to do. You want to keep all of the terrible players the Cubs have who won't/shouldn't be around next year to make Dusty look terrible. You're quite the fox. Although I hate you and you should have no job next year.

So today's reason Dusty shouldn't be around next year? Last night's game. I don't even know where to begin. Ok, first. 4 errors in one baseball game. That is a solid defensive effort. There's no reason to practice when you're fundamentally sound enough to make 4 errors in one game. The Pirates only made one error. It's obvious why they're in the bottom of the NL central.

Second: LOSING THE SERIES TO THE PIRATES. There are approximately 3 teams that have worse records than the Cubs right now. Notice how I didn't say there are three teams worse than the Cubs. The Royals are probably the only actual team worse than the Cubs. My proof? Well the Pirates are kicking our ass right now. And the D-Rays play in the AL. Hell, The Royals do too, and as good as the AL central is, the Royals, as terrible as they seem, may just be able to beat this 'team' called the Cubs.

Third: Pinch-hitting John Mabry for Carlos Zambrano. Z is a much more feared hitter than Mabry if for no other reason than he can actually turn around a fastball. But enough speculation about who's better, the result? Mabry struck out. I doubt Carlos could have done that, it takes a 'professional hitter' or, as I saw in one article today, a 'super sub'. At least Mabry didn't start.

Fourth: Bullpen management. We took the lead in the top of the 11th. On Monday night, Baker said he pitched Dempster just so he'd be ready in case we 'needed' him for Tuesday. I scoffed at the idea that the Cubs would be in an actual save situation against a team as great as the Pirates, but sure enough, on Tuesday night, there the opportunity for a save was. So, no big deal, the 4th error in the game by Freddy Bynum (he's not even as good defensively as Neifi) and the Cubs walk the bases loaded to try to save the game. Well, maybe when you walk the bases loaded, you should try to, you know, not walk the next guy to lose the game.

So Dusty can't use Dempster unless it's a save situation, or if he needs to get him out there once a week so he's 'fresh' for any saves we need blown, but Howry can pitch 5 of 6 days?

I have other reasons about the game last night, but I'll stop. I would, however, like to point out the huge mistake Len Kasper made in announcing the game last night. I think I was watching in the 7th, when the Cubs took the lead. Kasper said that the walks were really helping the Cubs because everyone who had walked had scored. How dare he say that? Doesn't he know walks are meaningless? He is ruining all of the work Dusty has spent years on trying to instill that walks don't help you win games. Unless of course you can take a walk with the bases loaded to end a game.

A Child Can Manage A Team Better

I'm not talking about those little freaky kids with giant heads who are smarter than I am either. I'm talking about just your regular, nose-picking, dirty hands, run of the mill child. Dusty Baker is worse than a 4 year old child when it comes to managing a baseball team.

Today's case in point: Freddy Bynum hit second in the order last night for the second time (at least, I didn't watch much baseball this weekend) in a row. Now, why do I think a child could manage more?

Well, a child doesn't have Hank Aaron stories to bore its players to sleep. Hank Aaron was great. I get it. Help me hit, don't tell me a story with some arbitrary statement about how one of the greatest baseball players was able to make adjustments.

That being said, Dusty doesn't help his players, so a child, knowing nothing of baseball, would be exactly the same. But I digress. So Freddy Bynum and his teeth are hitting a robust .263 this season. Now, I know that Dusty is so excited to have him off of the DL that he feels like a kid who forgot how great his favorite toy was and now that he's playing with it again, it feels brand new.

I think children have a concept of higher numbers being better. Granted, many would trade a dollar for 2 quarters. But whose to say Dusty Baker wouldn't either? Ryan Theriot, a player who has been much better than advertised up to this point for as much time as he spends on the bench, is hitting .286. Now, I haven't spent much time in kindergarten lately, but I believe that .286 is higher than .263. Theriot's OBP is 30 points higher than Juan Pierre, the person who is supposedly the best the Cubs have at getting on base.

I hate Dusty Baker. There is not much that makes me happier right now than the Cubs sucking, because it's only sealing his fate as being out at the end of the season. And I can't help but think that it is entirely due to me. That's realistic, right?

Also, on another Cubs note, a lot of people talk about the Cubs starting pitching being the problem this season. That is not entirely untrue, but it's not completely true. The Cubs as a team are hitting .265. Their opponents are hitting .259. Somehow, however, the Cubs have taken 231 less walks than their opponents. So, terrible pitching, and the inability to hit with anyone on base are why the Cubs blow. And Dusty 4 year old child Baker

What happened this weekend

The title is both a statement and a question. This past weekend I went up to Chicago to see my friends and to actually have fun with people, rather than drink by myself in Peoria. After a 4 hour drive up (actually it was longer than that, I sat in traffic for well over an hour, but normally it's about 3 hours), I finally arrived at my destination at like 8:15.

I think I had openend a beer within the first hour of being there. Needless to say, I was drunk by the time we went out. There was nothing really too crazy about Friday night, except that there was a lot of dancing in our group, and we were pretty much the only people dancing. I think. Anyways, upon leaving, it was time for my fix of Mexican food. And was it ever delicous. Following eating, I played guitar for what seemed like a long time, although it was really probably just me playing like 5 songs, then saying I couldn't remember how to play the rest of the requests.

Woke up the next day at 8:15 to loud noises. Also, earlier in the morning there was about 20 minutes of incessant beeping, as someone's alarm went off, and possibly phone, and wouldn't shut up. So the day began at 8:15. While watching 7 consecutive episodes of Scrubs season 2, I decided if we weren't going to do anything requiring me to be sober, then there was no reason for me to be sober, so I started drinking at 1:30. Lunch came after I started drinking. Then there was another alcohol run, and we started playing bags. It started raining for the third game of bags, so everyone stopped. Not too long after that, I think, I remember saying from here on out, my memory is going to be hit or miss. I believe it was possibly around 10 when we left to go out, and again, there was much dancing. At one point I told my friend to be quiet because she was saying something loudly that she shouldn't be saying. She chose to poke me, thinking that I was just telling her to be quiet for no reason. Later, amid the dancing, there was a bottle dropped. Right next to my feet. Luckily all shards managed to not stab me, however, I do remember feeling glass in my shoes (which were sandals). Also, the cause of the bottle falling was that my poking friend was taking a drink and was bumped. Another result of that bumping was her getting a bloody nose.

I have no idea what time we left, but I'll just assume it was around 1:30. Again, I needed Mexican food (I love you El Burrito). On the walk to El Burrito, I felt it was necessary to show my ability to be a pack leader. Sidenote: I may have an unhealthy obsession with the Dog Whisperer. So, to show my leadership, I was chhting and poking my friends in the knape. Which I found hilarious. We get home, and I make love to my delicious Mexican food. I guess, I don't really remember. I finish and decide that the floor looks like a great place to pass out, so that's what happened. Amazingly I was brought back to consciousness and told to go to bed. Then there was a guitar request, then I finally managed to pass out, not on the floor.

Woke up Sunday after sleeping in, terribly hungover of course, and began preparing for the horrible drive home. Hopefully this week will go quickly because this weekend is going to be awesome and I intend to spend most of it inebriated.

Dusty was a Busty

So I was sans computer this weekend, so of course I couldn't update reasons for hating Dusty Baker. I mean why he should lose his job, there are plenty of reasons to hate him.

Just glancing at headlines involving the Cubs today, I noticed a column by Jay Mariotti. Now, of course, all of Mariotti's opinions are worthless as probably the worst sportswriter in the history of Chicago. Also, he's on ESPN, so it's very possibly he is the most popular. But I digress. So I didn't read the article of course, but I did glance at the important part of the article. The title was "Baker's Copout Casts Unfair Cloak on Cubs". Mariotti was advising Baker to stop using copouts to hide the fact that he's just not been a very good manager since 2003. And he doesn't deserve to have his contract extended.

Now, I probably should give credit to Mariotti, for writing an article I actually approve of. But, I'd say when you have so many terrible opinions and write terrible articles, the odds of a good article being produced is fairly slim. So this was probably an accident that he wrote it. But, again, I digress.

So Dusty Baker refuses to take responsibility for this teams suckiness. Now, I've not read any quotes from the series this past weekend, so I don't know what original ways he came up for losing. But it all comes down to the fact that Dusty is never at fault. I would like to reference my last post about pitch counts. Someone is in charge of it. He refuses to take blame or admit when he was wrong. Like using Neifi Perez nearly everyday in the lineup.

I remember back in the fall of 2002, thinking that we were going to hire Dusty Baker as our new manager. Finally, someone who has been proven to win games. I was so excited about the upcoming year that I was probably glowing. Fast forward to probably about June or 2005, I realized how huge of a mistake that was. How could I have ever thought this guy could help our team? I'm actually beginning to question if 2003 was really the year that the Cubs won despite Dusty. But you know what? I'm willing to admit I was wrong in thinking Dusty could manage a team. There. That felt good. If Dusty could just admit to being wrong once or twice, I might almost gain some respect for him. And when I say 'gain some respect' I mean 'not hate him with every thread of my being, but still with most of them. '

Anyways, in the future I may sneak in why I think Joe Girardi should be the next manager of the Cubs. And if I am proven wrong and the Cubs are just as bad (because they cannot possibly be worse, unless they were the Royals or something) then I'll admit to being wrong again.

This is my life

So I realize that not everyone cares what I have to say about the Cubs and their shame-worthy manager. So I would like to give you a rundown of my night last night as a somewhat* typical Thursday night in Peoria, Illinois.

I got off work yesterday a little after 4:15 because I had prior engagements (read: I had to get to a bar by 5). So I go home, shower, begin the walk to the bar (which is probably about 15 minutes, but I somehow always underestimate it) which requires me walking past the adult store 2 blocks from my place. There was no ensuing hilarity relating to the adult store, I just wanted to point out that I live two blocks from an adult store. Jealous? Yeah, I wouldn't be either.

Now, we were having a gathering for the Central Illinois Region Illinois Wesleyan Alumni. I was the second person there. And I got there at like 5:15. A whopping 5 alums came out, including myself. Not only that, two of them HAD to be there because they were in charge of the whole thing. So we were going to a Peoria Chiefs game, which is always a good way to get cheap entertainment. And by cheap I mean cheap for a baseball game.

So anyways, 3 drinks later, we go to the game. I should point out here that I was the youngest person of the group. The oldest person was approximately 50, and the other person was 27. Yes, only 3 alums went to the game. But I digress. We go to the game, I eat something and get a beer.

From that point on the game gets a little hazy. I remember the Bradley basketball team was there, and I remember thinking that the Bradley coach (Jim Les) is loving all this attention he's getting now. Then the game started, and the only thing I remember about the game is that I saw a Chiefs player hit a home run. And it was the first time I'd seen a Chiefs player hit a home run (I think it was my seventh game). At one point I looked at the scoreboard and it was 2-0 Chiefs, then I remember looking again and it was 2-2 and I had no idea what had happened. I either had 3 or 4 20 oz. beers at the game.

So I leave after the 6th inning I think. Well my friend (the 27 year old) asked if I wanted a ride back to my place, and I was like, 'well, we'd have to walk to your car, then you'd have to drive me back. Or I could just walk the 4 blocks back to my place and be there by the time you get to your car.' He asked if I wanted to race, and never seeing a physical competition I didn't think I could win (while drunk) I said he was on. And with that I began running.

So at 9:30(ish, I have no concept of time really) I was sprinting back to my apartment. Drunk. On the streets of Peoria. I remember trying to look all casual about it, like I wasn't some crazy drunk dude, and I'm sure I failed. The friend called and said he'd made it to his car, but I didn't answer it until the third ring, and by that point I was back also. So I won.

Back at my place, I commenced talking online. I actually didn't drink for a while because I felt so drunk. Which even I'm amazed at (the not drinking, not the feeling so drunk part). Eventually I had two more beers. Then I decided it was time for bed (I guess. I have no idea what time this was). But before I could go to bed, I felt I should eat something. So I made myself toast. That may not seem funny to you. But I was drunk, talking online, drinking by myself, and in central Illinois, making myself toast. Ok, I guess that's just a funny image to me.

So I finished my toast, probably did a couple more dumb things that I can't remember, then went to bed. And today I had a pretty bad hangover. Just practicing for the weekend.

*a typical Thursday night involves all of the above, except for going to the bar, and the Chiefs game. Normally I just drink by myself as I talk online and watch tv. I also don't start drinking so early.

Campaigning for Dusty Baker to not get his contract extended: Day 2

This is going to be way too easy. I can easily come up with roughly 30 more reasons to not extend Dusty's contract. I could do it based only on information and quotes and his shear inability to manage a baseball team to this date, and the fact that everyday he gives me another reason is actually making this too easy. But anyways, here is today's reason: "Lack of HRs Bigger Issue Than OBP, Baker Says".

I didn't even have to read the article. I saw the title and promptly fell out of my chair. It wasn't even like I was sitting on the edge of my chair. It was basically like someone picked up my chair and dumped me out of it. So while I was writhing around on the floor, I was trying to gather some sort of semblance as to what just happened. Did I really read that? Did someone just smack me in the face with shear stupidity, causing me to fall out of my chair?

So Our Terrible Dusty has done it again. How can you possibly say that OBP isn't an issue? But then again, he must be right; he's coached all of his teams to some degree of mediocrity, save for 2 that actually went somewhere in the playoffs. Well, all of those 'winning' teams that 'win' the 'World Series' have good OBP's, for the most part. Well, getting on base isn't what the game is about. That's not how you score runs. Everyone who knows anything about baseball knows that the only way that runs actually count is if they are scored on a homerun. You can actually track this fact in stat books. They show team records, and then after that they show in parentheses the actual records based on the runs scored on homeruns in a game. They call the stat Actual Record based on Actual Runs Scored. Oh, also, that doesn't exist.

The only way to score runs is to get on base. I know if I was a fan of a team which had a lot of guys get on base (which I'm not sure the Cubs have been that team since I've been alive) I could care less if there were 4 homeruns in a game or zero. But then again, I've never been on the same team as Hank Aaron, so I apparently know nothing about baseball. Dusty Faker though, because he was on the same team as some great baseball players apparently knows something about winning. He just can't execute because he's not on the field not hitting homeruns.

Ok, I'm a little hungover, so I'm not entirely sure if most of this makes sense. But what also doesn't make sense is thinking that a low OBP isn't an issue. Seriously, how does this guy even have a job? He seems to be dumber than probably anyone I've ever met, and he doesn't even do his job well. Not even well, but not even adequately. I need that kind of job security.

First theme

So I had an idea last night (while drinking) for my first string of posts with a common theme. See, I'm an avid Cubs fan. But, I'm such a fan that it hurts and disgusts me while watching these teams coached by "I can't Coach but I do love wristbands" McGee. I sure hate him. Not in the sense that I'm racist about it or I wish to be hurtful. Well, I do intend to be hurtful, but only in regards to him being such a terrible coach. But anyways, as long as the Cubs are coached by Toothpick Jackass (I'm going to make up as many nicknames as possible), they're going to suck. And, I mean, he is a sucky coach, so they're entitled to suck I guess. So I will be posting daily rants about why Dirty Baker should lose his job and/or not get a contract extension. Because aside from having John Mabry on the roster next year, that is my greatest fear for the Cubs. Now I know that there are many sites dedicated to getting Our Poor Manager fired, but I just want to do my part and get that bastard out.

So here's today's entry: I was reading chicagosports.com as I often do to check on any Chicago sports news, and I saw a story about Carlos Marmol going on the D.L. The Dustman attributed Marmol's arm injury due to pitch counts being too high. Hmm, who keeps track of pitch counts? It certainly wouldn't be the manager's job. He's not in charge of the players on the field. It's the pitching coach's job isn't it? Well, despite all of my speculation, Dusty never chose to answer who's in charge of keeping track of pitch counts. He just said they were too high. It wasn't even like 'Hindsight is 20/20." Of course, that would mean he admitted a mistake, to which couldn't possibly have happened.

Dusty went on to say that Greg Maddux, early in his career, threw 160+ pitches in one game. Ok, I'm not going to the trouble of looking this up, so there may be a chance that I'm wrong. But Greg Maddux has pretty much always been a minimalist. Let alone the fact that if Maddux had thrown 160+ pitches, in, say, 8 innings, he's throwing 20 pitches per inning. Ok, let's say 9 innings. That's nearly 18 pitches per inning. Why would any coach leave a guy out there who is throwing 18 pitches an inning for a complete game? Unless of course he's an idiot and has no idea that too many pitches could hurt someone's arm. I hate Dusty Baker. But solely on personality and managerial abilities.

I used to think Jim Riggleman was an idiot for putting Kerry Wood on pitch counts of like 90 per game when Wood first came up. I thought he was an idiot. Then Wood blew out his arm anyway. Many times. But Riggleman never had 4 young pitchers go down with arm problems. Also, Riggleman took us to the playoffs, then sucked with a sucky team. Baker took us to the NLCS, then threw us down the drain. Fire that man. Or at the very least, don't extend that terrible contract

Don't take me seriously

So this is my blog. I've decided to start a blog because i have a lot of opinions that I think people should read. Also, I'm not serious about that. Basically I look at this as a good way to practice writing, and maybe entertain people throughout their day at jobs they hate. Like I hate mine. But I digress.

So I find it hard to take myself seriously. I actually do occasionally value other people's opinions. Because people who don't are idiots. And it's those idiots whose opinions i do not, in fact, value.

So here's my idea. This is going to be a blog about a lot of random stuff. Sports, funny things, perhaps recommendations to watch funny tv shows (like It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, etc.), perhaps even recaps of funny tv shows because I love tvgasm.com and I would love to do what they do. Oh, also, i live in central Illinois, so a lot of things about that make me sad.

Also I hate people. So expect a lot of rants about people too.