My resolutions
I never really make it a habit to make resolutions whenever the new year rolls around because I never have any intention of keeping them. It's usually some half-ass attempt where I try to keep it up for like two weeks, but then I end up forgetting after two days of working too late or something like that. Also, I don't really have many resolutions, so this will be like a resolutions/goals list that I have.
1.) Save money. I have been trying to do this since I graduated 18 months ago and I have failed miserably. I have made some nice purchases in that time, so I can't really complain about it. It's not like all of my money is going to strippers and a bad coke habit. It's more like a casual coke habit. Seriously though, I really need to save up money. In the past year I've bought a couch, iPod, Xbox 360, car insurance (which is totally overrated) twice, and probably some other shit. Also, all of the weekends of going insane drinking in Chicago take a toll. Also, you would be surprised how expensive it is to cover up all of the hobos/hookers/drifters I've killed in the past couple of weeks. It's probably not as much as you think it costs, but, it's at least more that $10. That's all I'll say.
2.) Move to Chicago. I am STILL working on finding a job in Chicago so I can move up to the city. I found this amazing place right across from Wrigley for not a lot of money, and of course, without a job, I can't afford it. I could use some of that saved money to either move to Chicago without a job (which is kind of risky) or just save it up so I have some extra scratch if I can't get a job paying as much as I want. But Chicago is where I need to be. And the sooner the better.
3.) Go back to The Leap. Only the happiest place on Earth, I wholly intend to go back. In fact, it's going to be just as awesome, with probaby less sleeping room and more people and just as much (if not more) booze. This is a cheap goal, because we're totally going back at least once this year, but just the same, I'm really excited about it and it is going to happen.
4.) Pick up an addiction. I'm not entirely sure, but I want to get addicted to something this year. Then I can kick it next year. So it's like two resolutions in one. I was kind of thinking about meth, since you can have your own meth labs pretty easily or whatever, and it probably wouldn't be too expensive, but then that kind of damages my credibility in the field of chemistry and could probably hurt my chances in getting a job. So I'm thinking maybe just something like sleeping pills. Or caffeine pills. No, probably sleeping pills, since I enjoy sleeping. That's probably going to be a tough habit to kick though. I guess I'll put some more thought into it, but I need to get started soon. It should also be noted that I don't count alcohol as an addiction because I don't have a problem with it. Really. I don't. Really.
5.) Write a horror screenplay. I was thinking about this movie on this haunted island. You've seen all those movies where there's a haunted house. Well, what about a house that isn't haunted but everything around it is. I think you could really put a lot of dry wit into it also, and be like "Honey I'm going to get groceries" and the person responds "Ok, watch out for ghosts and such." As you can see it practically writes itself. Patent pending.
6.) Make millions upon millions of dollars. I think 2007 might be the appropriate year to make my first million. You know what they say, the first million is always the hardest. Well, I've just been waiting for the appropriate time to make my first million. And don't think I don't have plans for it, because I most certainly do.
7.) Date a celebrity. You know all those useless bastards who get famous by marrying/dating someone and then they try to use that as a catapult to fame? I want that. I'm all about that. Except I'm not a useless bastard. I just want to ride on the coattails so I can stop working and then become famous for being a vapid waste of oxygen whom everyone hates so much but can't stop talking about. I don't need the fame though. I think there are many of celebrities who would date me. And some of them might even be women. Sure they're probably hideously grotesque women, famous only for their ability to play an inbred woman who also looks like a man in the movie Black Christmas, but they're women nonetheless. (Note: they may not actually be women.)
8.) Continue to kick ass. Not physically of course, because I'm not all about violence. Violence is what stupid people use to settle arguments that they're too stupid to win. I just mean in my everyday life, I will continue to kick as much ass as always, and possibly more, if it's physically possible. I guess this is kind of a cheap resolution/goal also, since it's really out of my hands (for the most part) how much I kick ass since I am so inherently awesome, but, regardless, I'm just throwing it out there.
9.) Trick people. For some reason I just can't be honest with people. Sometimes I do it on purpose entirely. Other times someone gives me an opening and then I run with it. For example, someone hears something I say incorrectly, resulting in them thinking I said something insane. I tell them they heard me right, and then elaborate on what I said making sense. Because that's funnier than just correcting them. Also, I think it would be really funny to make up words and/or use words incorrectly just to see how many people I can get to believe they're actual words and whatnot. So if I'm using words like irregardless and sheenham (coming from the words sheen and ham, meaning the shiny/glossy layer on bright and shiny, and that shine resembles the sheen of the glaze on a Christmas ham), then you know I'm probably talking shit. Also, surprise friends, you're the lucky recipients! Sometimes I wonder why I have friends at all, but I just assume it's pity.
So there you have it. My list of resolutions/goals for the 2007. As you can see, I have a lot of work cut out for me.
1.) Save money. I have been trying to do this since I graduated 18 months ago and I have failed miserably. I have made some nice purchases in that time, so I can't really complain about it. It's not like all of my money is going to strippers and a bad coke habit. It's more like a casual coke habit. Seriously though, I really need to save up money. In the past year I've bought a couch, iPod, Xbox 360, car insurance (which is totally overrated) twice, and probably some other shit. Also, all of the weekends of going insane drinking in Chicago take a toll. Also, you would be surprised how expensive it is to cover up all of the hobos/hookers/drifters I've killed in the past couple of weeks. It's probably not as much as you think it costs, but, it's at least more that $10. That's all I'll say.
2.) Move to Chicago. I am STILL working on finding a job in Chicago so I can move up to the city. I found this amazing place right across from Wrigley for not a lot of money, and of course, without a job, I can't afford it. I could use some of that saved money to either move to Chicago without a job (which is kind of risky) or just save it up so I have some extra scratch if I can't get a job paying as much as I want. But Chicago is where I need to be. And the sooner the better.
3.) Go back to The Leap. Only the happiest place on Earth, I wholly intend to go back. In fact, it's going to be just as awesome, with probaby less sleeping room and more people and just as much (if not more) booze. This is a cheap goal, because we're totally going back at least once this year, but just the same, I'm really excited about it and it is going to happen.
4.) Pick up an addiction. I'm not entirely sure, but I want to get addicted to something this year. Then I can kick it next year. So it's like two resolutions in one. I was kind of thinking about meth, since you can have your own meth labs pretty easily or whatever, and it probably wouldn't be too expensive, but then that kind of damages my credibility in the field of chemistry and could probably hurt my chances in getting a job. So I'm thinking maybe just something like sleeping pills. Or caffeine pills. No, probably sleeping pills, since I enjoy sleeping. That's probably going to be a tough habit to kick though. I guess I'll put some more thought into it, but I need to get started soon. It should also be noted that I don't count alcohol as an addiction because I don't have a problem with it. Really. I don't. Really.
5.) Write a horror screenplay. I was thinking about this movie on this haunted island. You've seen all those movies where there's a haunted house. Well, what about a house that isn't haunted but everything around it is. I think you could really put a lot of dry wit into it also, and be like "Honey I'm going to get groceries" and the person responds "Ok, watch out for ghosts and such." As you can see it practically writes itself. Patent pending.
6.) Make millions upon millions of dollars. I think 2007 might be the appropriate year to make my first million. You know what they say, the first million is always the hardest. Well, I've just been waiting for the appropriate time to make my first million. And don't think I don't have plans for it, because I most certainly do.
7.) Date a celebrity. You know all those useless bastards who get famous by marrying/dating someone and then they try to use that as a catapult to fame? I want that. I'm all about that. Except I'm not a useless bastard. I just want to ride on the coattails so I can stop working and then become famous for being a vapid waste of oxygen whom everyone hates so much but can't stop talking about. I don't need the fame though. I think there are many of celebrities who would date me. And some of them might even be women. Sure they're probably hideously grotesque women, famous only for their ability to play an inbred woman who also looks like a man in the movie Black Christmas, but they're women nonetheless. (Note: they may not actually be women.)
8.) Continue to kick ass. Not physically of course, because I'm not all about violence. Violence is what stupid people use to settle arguments that they're too stupid to win. I just mean in my everyday life, I will continue to kick as much ass as always, and possibly more, if it's physically possible. I guess this is kind of a cheap resolution/goal also, since it's really out of my hands (for the most part) how much I kick ass since I am so inherently awesome, but, regardless, I'm just throwing it out there.
9.) Trick people. For some reason I just can't be honest with people. Sometimes I do it on purpose entirely. Other times someone gives me an opening and then I run with it. For example, someone hears something I say incorrectly, resulting in them thinking I said something insane. I tell them they heard me right, and then elaborate on what I said making sense. Because that's funnier than just correcting them. Also, I think it would be really funny to make up words and/or use words incorrectly just to see how many people I can get to believe they're actual words and whatnot. So if I'm using words like irregardless and sheenham (coming from the words sheen and ham, meaning the shiny/glossy layer on bright and shiny, and that shine resembles the sheen of the glaze on a Christmas ham), then you know I'm probably talking shit. Also, surprise friends, you're the lucky recipients! Sometimes I wonder why I have friends at all, but I just assume it's pity.
So there you have it. My list of resolutions/goals for the 2007. As you can see, I have a lot of work cut out for me.
posted by Jtrouble at 10:46 AM
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