Ideal jobs
So I'm in the job market right now. As in I'm looking to get a job in Chicago, and I don't really care what it is as long as it pays well and I don't work shitty hours. But here are a couple ideas (not necessarily my own) for what an awesome job would be. And if anyone sees this and wants to hire me, then let me know.
1. Do you remember the XFL? How ridiculous of an investment was that? I can't even imagine how much money that lost. So here's my first job. You give me a potential investment, I tell you whether or not you're retarded. We both win here. If you're not retarded, then you can invest in some lucrative deal or business venture. If you are retarded, then I just take the money you would have invested and spend it on myself. Also, if I declare you not retarded and you lose your money, I still keep whatever you paid me for my services.
2. Professional Jerk. I hate people. And, honestly, it's way easier to be disagreeable with someone than it is to be agreeable. And the best part is, your argument doesn't even have to make sense? "Why? Spite, that's why!" See? That doesn't make sense, but if you use it in an argument, it's probably gonna be a winner, because how do you respond to that? "I'll spite you!" See? I'm so good at it. But seriously here, on more than one occasion I have been known to describe myself as an asshole, or a jerk. In fact, I was once quoted as saying "I'm an asshole. It's what I do." Now, if I could just collect a stipend for my work in the field of Jerkistry, my life would be great.
3. Critic. My opinions need to be heard. Your opinion sucks. You will listen to me and I will tell you what you like. And that is very little. See? How would this not be a perfect job for me? I'll criticize anything. Movies, TV, your opinions, food (I'm really a picky eater, so that would be so easy to hate everything). I'll even review weird things like haircuts, fashion (I have no idea what's fashionable, so somehow I think makes me suited perfectly for being a fashion critic), building designs, tractors, people. You name it, I'll review/criticize it. Preferably in print. That is read by many many people. Hell, pay me to blog about it.
4. Political spinster. I think this would be so much fun because I really want to lie my face off and take absolutely no responsibility for it. "I said what yesterday? I did not. You can't prove it. Oh, you've got a recording of my voice saying it? That could be anyone. Oh, there's film to prove it? Well you took it out of context." And I could pass the blame on to someone else. "Well, it's the medias fault for not having all the facts." "The Democrats made him gay." "The North Koreans had weapons of mass destruction, so we had to use the bomb." See? Who needs facts or reasonable arguments? I sure don't. Also, as a sidenote, I would revel in watching people justify my arguments, and then also watching the few sane people who realize I'm lying get ridiculed because they're not real news. I'm talking about Daily Show.
5. I volunteer for any position in the Cubs front office. I feel confident that I could be president, because I understand baseball. I know what I want, and I assume I could find people who were able to teach what I want, and I'm not retarded. Well, I may be. But I still feel like I would be great it. I could be GM for the same reasons. I also feel like I could be coach mainly because of my understanding of the game. And then when I get fired from whatever job I get offered, I will apologize to the fans, saying that I did my best and I was way over my head.
6. Drunk dude. Are you ever at a party that's really boring and you wished that there was some drunk dude making an ass of himself? I could be that dude. Or, maybe you really like drinking all day watching sports, but you don't want to do it yourself. Well call me up. If that doesn't get me a job, I would also take a job getting paid lots of money to just be drunk. I'm apparently really good at it. Well, at least I think I'm really good at it.
So, that's my list. I expect a massive amount of e-mails/calls requesting my employment.
1. Do you remember the XFL? How ridiculous of an investment was that? I can't even imagine how much money that lost. So here's my first job. You give me a potential investment, I tell you whether or not you're retarded. We both win here. If you're not retarded, then you can invest in some lucrative deal or business venture. If you are retarded, then I just take the money you would have invested and spend it on myself. Also, if I declare you not retarded and you lose your money, I still keep whatever you paid me for my services.
2. Professional Jerk. I hate people. And, honestly, it's way easier to be disagreeable with someone than it is to be agreeable. And the best part is, your argument doesn't even have to make sense? "Why? Spite, that's why!" See? That doesn't make sense, but if you use it in an argument, it's probably gonna be a winner, because how do you respond to that? "I'll spite you!" See? I'm so good at it. But seriously here, on more than one occasion I have been known to describe myself as an asshole, or a jerk. In fact, I was once quoted as saying "I'm an asshole. It's what I do." Now, if I could just collect a stipend for my work in the field of Jerkistry, my life would be great.
3. Critic. My opinions need to be heard. Your opinion sucks. You will listen to me and I will tell you what you like. And that is very little. See? How would this not be a perfect job for me? I'll criticize anything. Movies, TV, your opinions, food (I'm really a picky eater, so that would be so easy to hate everything). I'll even review weird things like haircuts, fashion (I have no idea what's fashionable, so somehow I think makes me suited perfectly for being a fashion critic), building designs, tractors, people. You name it, I'll review/criticize it. Preferably in print. That is read by many many people. Hell, pay me to blog about it.
4. Political spinster. I think this would be so much fun because I really want to lie my face off and take absolutely no responsibility for it. "I said what yesterday? I did not. You can't prove it. Oh, you've got a recording of my voice saying it? That could be anyone. Oh, there's film to prove it? Well you took it out of context." And I could pass the blame on to someone else. "Well, it's the medias fault for not having all the facts." "The Democrats made him gay." "The North Koreans had weapons of mass destruction, so we had to use the bomb." See? Who needs facts or reasonable arguments? I sure don't. Also, as a sidenote, I would revel in watching people justify my arguments, and then also watching the few sane people who realize I'm lying get ridiculed because they're not real news. I'm talking about Daily Show.
5. I volunteer for any position in the Cubs front office. I feel confident that I could be president, because I understand baseball. I know what I want, and I assume I could find people who were able to teach what I want, and I'm not retarded. Well, I may be. But I still feel like I would be great it. I could be GM for the same reasons. I also feel like I could be coach mainly because of my understanding of the game. And then when I get fired from whatever job I get offered, I will apologize to the fans, saying that I did my best and I was way over my head.
6. Drunk dude. Are you ever at a party that's really boring and you wished that there was some drunk dude making an ass of himself? I could be that dude. Or, maybe you really like drinking all day watching sports, but you don't want to do it yourself. Well call me up. If that doesn't get me a job, I would also take a job getting paid lots of money to just be drunk. I'm apparently really good at it. Well, at least I think I'm really good at it.
So, that's my list. I expect a massive amount of e-mails/calls requesting my employment.
posted by Jtrouble at 3:45 PM
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