New jobs for a dear old friend
As was pointed out last week, Donald Rumsfeld stepped down/resigned/got fired from being Secretary of Taking Over the World for the U.S. Well, it can be tough to be that old and looking for a new job. Hell, looking for a new job in general is pretty tough, let alone being canned from one of the top positions in the U.S. government because you suck so badly at it. I mean, this was publicized for weeks. How can you put that on a resume and make it look half-decent? But I thought I would list a couple of positions that I think Rummy would be highly classified to take over.
1.) Mob guy - I think he would be well-qualified to answer questions about mob activities and whatnot. He does a great job of denying the obvious. Also, he tends to have a really short fuse when he doesn't like a question or something. That kind of strong-arm intimidation could go really far in the mob. I don't really think the mob has a p.r. guy, but Rumsfeld could do that sort of thing if he needed to. Or just be a mob representative. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. Answer questions from the police and/or press. Also, he's good at giving people directions on whom to kill people, but he would need really people who could improvise well. Actually, he would probably suck at that too. But, for all I know, he's already in the mob, or he's working on his ties as we speak.
2.) Gitmo Interrogator - I think this one goes pretty much without much explanation. Again, he's solid with the strong-arm intimidation. I used to get the impression that he would love to kick the asses of the people in the press. This way, he gets an answer he doesn't like, he beats someone. And we all know that despite all kinds of laws, there's all sorts of torture going on during interrogation. And, really, when has Rumsfeld ever been one to follow the laws put in place by America's government?
3.) Movie star - Hear me out on this one. Rumsfeld stars as the straight main in a buddy picture about a comically mismatched former Secretary of Defense and an heiress to a hotel magnate's fortune. I guess I hadn't really thought that through enough to make up a plot line, but I'd imagine anything like that would suck terribly. And yet, I think people would still go see it. Other mismatches could be Rumsfeld starring as a body guard for a little white kid who is supposed to be the next great rapper, or Rumsfeld starring with a former U.S. president who everybody thinks is more than a little dumb. Projected release date fall 2009. Copyright pending.
Should the buddy picture fall through, you could also make one starring Rumsfeld as the Hulk, except when he gets mad he just yells a lot and then pouts after ending interviews. Probably not as much material in that one.
Oh, I just thought of this one: Rumsfeld stars with a recently divorced white rapper who now has no money because his wife was the one with all the money to begin with. He now has 4 kids and is married to the neither mother. I think the plot line should involve Rumsfeld being accused of crimes against man, and being forced to be cuffed to K-Fed, and be on stage for all of his performances. Most of them end in Rumsfeld angrily beating K-Fed, but in a heart-felt moment at the end, Rumsfeld finally realizes what K-Fed has been rapping about the whole time and the two become best friends. Then Rumsfeld is finally freed, and becomes a backup dancer. Now that's movie gold.
4.) Pitch man for Cialis - Yeah, it's gross. But he's got name recognition, and he's an old dude. And, I mean, Bob Dole did it for Viagra, so I doubt Rumsfeld would be above it. Although, something tells me that Rumsfeld doesn't have nearly as much of a sense of humor about himself that Bob Dole did.
5.) Analyst for Fox News/Bill O'Reilly's new best friend - Somehow I kind of see this being the obvious choice. Rummy seems extremely critical, and we all know how he's so conservative, so going to a Republican channel and complaining about everything being a Democrat conspiracy seems incredibly likely.
6.) Writer - Like most former Secretary's of anything, there's probably a book deal waiting for him. Of course, I doubt he admits any mistakes in it, and it will probably be something like a biography that no one will care about. Also, maybe he'll lay blame with the president, even though this is one thing I can almost fully not blame on the president. Almost.
7.) Hand shaker of evil dudes - We all know that Rummy was in Nixon's cabinet, and there's a photo of him shaking hands with Hussein back in 1983 or something, right around the time we trained Hussein to take control in Iraq. That worked out well. So we should just have Rummy take pictures with a bunch of evil dudes, and hope that someday the evil dudes will get their come-uppance much like Hussein and Nixon got (although it may be very delayed). Still, I'm all for putting him in harm's way if necessary.
See? Even for a dude who failed so miserably at his job, he still has a ton of job opportunities. And Mr. Former Secretary of Giving Stupid Names to Wars the U.S. Should Probably Not Be In At All, if you need any help I offer my assistance in your job search. For a nominal fee obviously.
1.) Mob guy - I think he would be well-qualified to answer questions about mob activities and whatnot. He does a great job of denying the obvious. Also, he tends to have a really short fuse when he doesn't like a question or something. That kind of strong-arm intimidation could go really far in the mob. I don't really think the mob has a p.r. guy, but Rumsfeld could do that sort of thing if he needed to. Or just be a mob representative. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. Answer questions from the police and/or press. Also, he's good at giving people directions on whom to kill people, but he would need really people who could improvise well. Actually, he would probably suck at that too. But, for all I know, he's already in the mob, or he's working on his ties as we speak.
2.) Gitmo Interrogator - I think this one goes pretty much without much explanation. Again, he's solid with the strong-arm intimidation. I used to get the impression that he would love to kick the asses of the people in the press. This way, he gets an answer he doesn't like, he beats someone. And we all know that despite all kinds of laws, there's all sorts of torture going on during interrogation. And, really, when has Rumsfeld ever been one to follow the laws put in place by America's government?
3.) Movie star - Hear me out on this one. Rumsfeld stars as the straight main in a buddy picture about a comically mismatched former Secretary of Defense and an heiress to a hotel magnate's fortune. I guess I hadn't really thought that through enough to make up a plot line, but I'd imagine anything like that would suck terribly. And yet, I think people would still go see it. Other mismatches could be Rumsfeld starring as a body guard for a little white kid who is supposed to be the next great rapper, or Rumsfeld starring with a former U.S. president who everybody thinks is more than a little dumb. Projected release date fall 2009. Copyright pending.
Should the buddy picture fall through, you could also make one starring Rumsfeld as the Hulk, except when he gets mad he just yells a lot and then pouts after ending interviews. Probably not as much material in that one.
Oh, I just thought of this one: Rumsfeld stars with a recently divorced white rapper who now has no money because his wife was the one with all the money to begin with. He now has 4 kids and is married to the neither mother. I think the plot line should involve Rumsfeld being accused of crimes against man, and being forced to be cuffed to K-Fed, and be on stage for all of his performances. Most of them end in Rumsfeld angrily beating K-Fed, but in a heart-felt moment at the end, Rumsfeld finally realizes what K-Fed has been rapping about the whole time and the two become best friends. Then Rumsfeld is finally freed, and becomes a backup dancer. Now that's movie gold.
4.) Pitch man for Cialis - Yeah, it's gross. But he's got name recognition, and he's an old dude. And, I mean, Bob Dole did it for Viagra, so I doubt Rumsfeld would be above it. Although, something tells me that Rumsfeld doesn't have nearly as much of a sense of humor about himself that Bob Dole did.
5.) Analyst for Fox News/Bill O'Reilly's new best friend - Somehow I kind of see this being the obvious choice. Rummy seems extremely critical, and we all know how he's so conservative, so going to a Republican channel and complaining about everything being a Democrat conspiracy seems incredibly likely.
6.) Writer - Like most former Secretary's of anything, there's probably a book deal waiting for him. Of course, I doubt he admits any mistakes in it, and it will probably be something like a biography that no one will care about. Also, maybe he'll lay blame with the president, even though this is one thing I can almost fully not blame on the president. Almost.
7.) Hand shaker of evil dudes - We all know that Rummy was in Nixon's cabinet, and there's a photo of him shaking hands with Hussein back in 1983 or something, right around the time we trained Hussein to take control in Iraq. That worked out well. So we should just have Rummy take pictures with a bunch of evil dudes, and hope that someday the evil dudes will get their come-uppance much like Hussein and Nixon got (although it may be very delayed). Still, I'm all for putting him in harm's way if necessary.
See? Even for a dude who failed so miserably at his job, he still has a ton of job opportunities. And Mr. Former Secretary of Giving Stupid Names to Wars the U.S. Should Probably Not Be In At All, if you need any help I offer my assistance in your job search. For a nominal fee obviously.
posted by Jtrouble at 2:32 PM
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