Guide to drinking alone

So maybe you live by yourself and you haven't had a chance to meet new friends. Maybe your friends are all busy. Maybe you're this dude:

Whatever the case, sometimes you feel like having a drink. What's that? 'I'm not an alcoholic,' you say. Hey, I'm not judging anybody. But here are some tips if you feel like having a glass of wine (or 10) by yourself.

1.) Find something good on TV. For dudes, anything with sports or chicks. If it's a sport, then you can get fired up and keep from passing out early. Or, maybe you can find a good dude movie, like Kill Bill or something. Speaking of dude movies, have you seen the previews for that movie 300 from Frank Miller? Damn that looks awesome. Um, I don't know what chicks should watch when drinking by themselves.

2.) Get on your computer. I find myself talking to my friends online a lot. It's the next best thing to having them there in person, and this way you can actually sit naked while you talk to them. Er, not that I do that. Um...Anyways, this is also good because you don't have to keep up conversation too much, and you can feel free to get up at any point. Also, you can feel free to talk to someone you haven't talked to in a long time.

"We haven't talked in so long!"

"Yeah, there's kind of a reason for that."

"What's that? HEY! I'm drunk!"

"Uh, I have to go."

As you can see, it can't go any way but well. Other benefits of talking online, you can multitask. Like watch that awesome dude movie at the same time as talking. Or, you can watch something on TV with your friends, and make smartass comments about it. I'm really good at that. Or so I think.

3.) Do not get on your phone. If you're talking to someone, and they ask if you're drunk, and you say yes, and then they ask if you went out, and you say no, and then they ask if you're drinking alone, and you say yes, that sounds kind of weird. It's ok to answer calls if you're decent at playing a sober drunk, but it may be better to screen your calls.

4.) You can eat whatever you want. One time after I'd finished drinking, I had a banana, and then I had a bunch of doritos. I felt like shit in the morning, because, come on, that's a disgusting mixture. But, nobody could judge me for it. Except, I'm saying it out loud now, so, uh, that kind of defeats the purpose. Damnit...

5.) If you have been talking online, make sure to keep open the windows so you have a record of what you said. I usually don't get too drunk during the week, but occasionally I'll surprise myself the next day with how much I've had. It's times like those that I wish I remembered what I said the night before, and what the situation was that required me to say it. (Note: also, if you're in a chatroom on AIM, if you don't close it, it will look like you're still in it. But nobody wants to be the last one in it. So you need to decide: record of what you said, or last one in chatroom? I guess you could always copy and paste, but that's probably sadder than drinking by yourself.)

So there you have it. A fairly basic guide to drinking by yourself. And if you're talking online, you're not technically by yourself. So what if people judge you. They most likely would anyways. Oh, I should probably have added, if you are an alcoholic, you probably shouldn't drink by yourself, as you're probably accustomed to it anyways.