How to be Speaker of the House
Dennis Hastert is a brilliant, classy, honest man. I can vouch for him since I'm from Illinois, so for some reason or another, fellow people from Illinois have voted him into the House. From there, he won the jousting session that allowed him to become Black Knight. I mean Speaker of the House. I'm guessing that's how it happened at least. They don't really teach anything about governmental proceeding in Illinois.*
So, because Hastert is such a great man, I would like to offer up suggestions in which you could follow in his footsteps to become the Next Great Speaker of the House.
1. Put on some weight. We've seen it before with Newt Gingrich, then there were probably some other dudes, and now we're seeing it with Hastert. Representatives don't trust anyone who isn't over 250 pounds. If I see someone working out on a regular basis, they should either be in the Senate or the President, not in the House. Seriously, the House is for tubby bitches.
2. Lie your big and/or tall pants off. When the Foley scandal first came to light, Hastert said he would fire anyone who did anything to cover up the incident. No one has been fired, at least that I know of.
3. This one is important. Lie under oath. Hastert says he just learned of Foley's Follies last month. One person testified to have talked to Hastert in the spring about it. Hastert says he didn't recall the conversation.
Didn't recall it! Brilliant. 'You'll have to excuse me sir, I don't recall having any DISCUSSIONS ABOUT A CONGRESSMAN ABUSING PAGES.' It's not something that would particularly stick out in my mind.
Also similar to this are accusing people of being wrong. Hastert accused House Majority Leader John Boehner (a Republican!) of being wrong about having a similar discussion in the spring with Hastert. Apparently Hastert does remember that, and it didn't happen.
HOW CAN HE LIE LIKE THIS?? Seriously, he's urging the ethics panel to work quickly on the Foley matter. Might as well do something he took at least 5 YEARS to do. But be quick about it. He's the SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!
Why aren't people pissed out of their minds about this?? The Speaker of the House, President if Bush and Cheney meet their maker, won't even fess up to anything regarding this. People are acting like it's such a surprise that Foley did this, yet supposedly it's been going on for 5 years at least. And it's not like they went to the Democrats. People first suspected it in 2000 or 2001, and they contacted the Speaker's office.
Now all of a sudden it's the Democrats fault because they knew about it (even though it's not their problem technically, although from a moral standpoint, it's everyone's) and may have waited until now to let this out so they could win the election. So what if they did??? The Republicans weren't going to bring it to light anyways.
So, if you want to be Speaker of the House, follow these steps. Seriously, do it. Apparently it's impossible to be fired, even though everything you say and do is contradictory to what EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS. So good luck.
*they do, I choose not to remember
So, because Hastert is such a great man, I would like to offer up suggestions in which you could follow in his footsteps to become the Next Great Speaker of the House.
1. Put on some weight. We've seen it before with Newt Gingrich, then there were probably some other dudes, and now we're seeing it with Hastert. Representatives don't trust anyone who isn't over 250 pounds. If I see someone working out on a regular basis, they should either be in the Senate or the President, not in the House. Seriously, the House is for tubby bitches.
2. Lie your big and/or tall pants off. When the Foley scandal first came to light, Hastert said he would fire anyone who did anything to cover up the incident. No one has been fired, at least that I know of.
3. This one is important. Lie under oath. Hastert says he just learned of Foley's Follies last month. One person testified to have talked to Hastert in the spring about it. Hastert says he didn't recall the conversation.
Didn't recall it! Brilliant. 'You'll have to excuse me sir, I don't recall having any DISCUSSIONS ABOUT A CONGRESSMAN ABUSING PAGES.' It's not something that would particularly stick out in my mind.
Also similar to this are accusing people of being wrong. Hastert accused House Majority Leader John Boehner (a Republican!) of being wrong about having a similar discussion in the spring with Hastert. Apparently Hastert does remember that, and it didn't happen.
HOW CAN HE LIE LIKE THIS?? Seriously, he's urging the ethics panel to work quickly on the Foley matter. Might as well do something he took at least 5 YEARS to do. But be quick about it. He's the SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!
Why aren't people pissed out of their minds about this?? The Speaker of the House, President if Bush and Cheney meet their maker, won't even fess up to anything regarding this. People are acting like it's such a surprise that Foley did this, yet supposedly it's been going on for 5 years at least. And it's not like they went to the Democrats. People first suspected it in 2000 or 2001, and they contacted the Speaker's office.
Now all of a sudden it's the Democrats fault because they knew about it (even though it's not their problem technically, although from a moral standpoint, it's everyone's) and may have waited until now to let this out so they could win the election. So what if they did??? The Republicans weren't going to bring it to light anyways.
So, if you want to be Speaker of the House, follow these steps. Seriously, do it. Apparently it's impossible to be fired, even though everything you say and do is contradictory to what EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS. So good luck.
*they do, I choose not to remember
posted by Jtrouble at 12:14 PM
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