I Don't Value Your Opinion

Changing my tune

2008-01-21T13:16:00.000-06:00

I have a history of being a Bruce Weber fan, and I could even be classified as an apologist, probably most evident here. But watching the Illini this season, I've decided that it's time to become realistic. Bruce Weber is not such a great coach.

I'll base this off of a few different things. First, recruiting. Facts is facts folks. This team sucks. And these are largely Bruce Weber's players. Aside from the Eric Gordon debacle, which I've also covered in depth, and largely inaccurately here, he has made a number of recruiting failures. Some of these can probably be due to being strung along by Gordon, or other players having tepid interest yet receiving the bulk of attention. I don't know, I don't know recruiting. What I do know is that this team is Bruce's team. And this team blows. I'll come back to this in a second. But, I refuse to give Tracy Webster a pass in this whole situation. As the lead recruiter, he did a shit job of getting any serious recruits. Derrick Rose was at least open to the idea of coming to Illinois, even attending Midnight Madness. Could we have gotten him? Perhaps, with someone who wasn't inept at recruiting as our lead recruiter.

Next: Bruce sucks at player rotations. Why is he so resistant to playing freshmen that HE recruited and that HE refused to red shirt. There are 15 active players on the roster, and only like 8 see regular court time. Of those, two are seniors, a couple are juniors, there is an occasional spotting of Alexander (though he's battling injuries I guess) and like 3 freshman get court time. This is just retarded. If the players can't play, then they should have been redshirted. If they can play, then why aren't they? Especially now that the season is a wash, it makes absolutely no sense for the Illini to not play the kids. Let Semrau in a game. Give Holdren some SHOTS. He lit us up, we can't get him an open fucking shot? Let's see what Bill Cole can do.

Now I have an entire point based around Chester Frazier. I have no ill wishes againts Chester outside the basketball world. I hope his education gets him a great job, or it's possible he'll be following in the Jerrance Howard footsteps. Whatever. But my god does he suck at basketball.

The thing we all learned with Dee, Deron and Luther was that with a lot of gym time, and a lot of effort, the sky was the limit. Potential was untapped, but Deron turned himself into a lottery pick. Just unheard of. Not even Frank Williams could do that (and I could have sworn Frank had more talent, probably just more unrealized potential. But damn was he smooth). But, now with Chester Frazier, we're seeing a limit reached. I love his defensive intensity. But it's not consistent, and I think his basketball IQ is terrible.

As a coach, you want to put your players into a position where they will succeed. Why would you put Chester, a player with limited ball-handling skills, as the primary dribbler, and the initiator of the offense? I would say the evidence during the Purdue game was rather damning. Demetri at the point has us up big. Chester relieves him, and we spent 25 seconds dribbling and passing the ball around 35 feet from the basket. It would have been nice to sniff the 3 pt. line before 10 seconds left in the shot clock. Also as a coach, you want to have a guy who wants the ball in his hands at the end of the game to ice it with free throws. Chester shoots, what, 60%? Pruitt shoots slightly less, and I have no idea why he's in at the end of games either (although lately he's shown that he can make a free throw or two in the clutch). And Chester can't dribble his way out of a wet paper bag that has giant holes for dribbling through in it.

Asking Chester to do too much is not helping anyone. The offense becomes stagnant, especially when he's at the point. He holds the ball too much, doesn't reverse it enough, his passing is average at best (and I'd say that's rather optimistic). His defense on the ball is pretty good, his intensity and desire are amazing. But too often he's out of position, or he'll have a lapse. And off the ball he's probably only average at help defense.

Also, Dee Brown's tenure saw the introduction of Hustle stats or something. I think these should be done away with, because I can see Chester having a high number of Hustle stats or points or whatever they're called (that's how withdrawn I am from Illini basketball right now; it's sickening). He's always chasing down loose balls, getting rebounds (which other Illini players are normally around him while doing so), and he's fairly solid, again, on the ball defending. But does this take into consideration turnovers? Lack of motion in the motion offense? Refusal to fast break??

And what of Demetri McCamey. The kid's got ball skills, he can drive to the basket, he can actually make a shot so you're not playing 4 against 5. He's in while the Illini rack up the score (his defense isn't that poor, regardless of what Weber may say), and then he's on the bench as they lose it. Yet Bruce rails into Demetri. While Chester gets a free pass. Consistently.

So now we come to the final point, in game coaching. Bruce has just been outcoached basically all season. How do you come into halftime with a lead, or open up a big lead, only to lose it? Failure to make adjustments. Refusal to make adjustments. All Bruce seems to do is stand on the sidelines and yell at the kids rather than actually do anything. I read recently on Blogabull that yelling doesn't make a good coach. It can be effective, but if it doesn't elicit a noticeable change, then you're just wasting your breath and voice, and we all know Bruce has no voice to spare. And that's all Bruce does. Hell, it was only like 3 or 4 games ago where I actually saw us run a play designed to get a shot on an inbounds play and it worked!

So it's a combination of adjustments, strategies, and players. If the players in aren't doing the job, why would yelling make them change it? And what the hell do they do when they're at practice exactly? Miss free throws? Son of a bitch this team is just awful to watch.

This team has no identity. Wait, I'll take that back. Lack of offense is this team's identity. That and going long stretches without getting field goals. At least if the kids were playing, there would be some experience for next year. Remember how awful this team was when Cory Bradford ran the point? He was the only offense the team had that year. But then, when those guys were seniors, the team produced. Who the hell would have thought that Damir Krupalija would do anything effective? Or Archibald for that matter?

This team is tanking, and in the worst way, because there's nothing to gain from any of the losses we've had except we know that we need to make free throws, which we've known for two years but still can't do. I know Bruce has some great recruits coming in in a few years, but I'm really starting to wonder if he'll be around when they matriculate.

You are a retard

2007-09-11T10:09:00.000-05:00

If you think the Bears got their ass kicked this weekend. You are also a retard if you think the Bears got their ass kicked in the Super Bowl by the Colts. In fact, you give me many reasons daily to think you are a retard. I give myself many reasons to think I am retarded also, so this isn't exclusive to just you. But you've forced me to get off-topic.

Listen, the Bears lost to the Chargers. But for anyone to say that Rex Grossman blows or that the Chargers absolutely manhandled the Bears this weekend is totally biased. Now, as a Bears fan, allow me to be unbiased as I break down the game.

Rex Grossman did not lose the game. Rex Grossman didn't even play a shitty game. He had some solid passes, and he had one mistake on a miscommunication play that lead to an interception. He was shaky early, but that definitely did not cost the Bears the game. What cost the Bears the game? Two things: turnovers and shitty play-calling. Again.

I'm not going to flip out about the Bears running backs not having a good game. The Chargers have a stout run defense. In fact, in the past, their pass defense has put up more average numbers than the run defense because they negate the run (and are winning a lot) forcing the other team to pass. And I'm not going to flip out about the fumbles because neither back is particularly fumble-prone. It's not like we have 4 Rashaan Salaam's on the depth chart. (Or three for that matter.)

But the play-calling was weak. Just like the Super Bowl. We couldn't run the ball, but we kept with it. Then when we would string together a couple plays, the momentum would be broken with a stop on a run play. Or, consider late in the game when Grossman completed passes (gasp! It happened!) and the Bears had 2nd and 2. Run, no gain. Run, no gain. 4th and 2. Run, 1 yard gain. You like to think your back could get those yards, but at the same time, asking him to get it again 7 guys in the box when blocking has been fairly weak all game is stupid. Play-calling was unoriginal and bland.

I would also like to point out how many 2 TE sets the Bears ran. I don't know if this was a product of the Bears practicing assuming Greg Olsen would play or not, but this to me seems like a product of playing to the Chargers defense rather than forcing them to adjust to your offense. The Bears have solid WR's. Mark Bradley is supposed to have a breakout year. And yet we barely run any 3WR sets, let alone 4. Run a quick slant with a spread offense. Force the Chargers to adjust their game plan. It's nice to beat them at their own game, but why not get creative?

Supposedly the punt that sucked hit the cable that carries the camera across the field. It blows, but both teams had to deal with it, so those are just the breaks. You know what else is the breaks? Missed calls. So fucking deal with it retard. Besides, there were a ton of missed holding calls (including when Lorenzo Neal clotheslined Mike Brown, which, coincidentally, was the play he was injured on) so it evens out. Even Troy Aikman pointed out that it should have been a penalty. Quit bitching.

So the Chargers get the ball and go 28 yards or whatever on 4 plays. But they score on a trick play. How does that show dominance? The fact that they had similar numbers in the first half? Yes, absolutely dominant. The only portion of the game that the Chargers dominated was time of possession in the 2nd half (due to always getting the ball on turnovers) and getting into the end zone.

So if it was the Colts or Patriots playing the Chargers and losing the game like this, does that mean that they're by far much worse teams than the Chargers? Why because it's an NFC team does it mean that the Bears, and the NFC, blow? The home team fucking won. It's not a foreign concept.

I'm not trying to say that the Chargers didn't beat the Bears, or that the Bears got screwed over. The Bears didn't execute, the Chargers did. But don't act like Grossman blew the game when he did all he was given with the weak playcalling. The Sex Cannon wasn't slinging laserwads to the Chargers all game. He saved them for all of the choice San Diego poon. And it's not the Bears fault that the refs missed the fucking neutral zone infraction, so cut the shit of calling them cheaters.

*Also, I was entirely sober for this game, so my memories are unclouded by alcohol.

Chicago sports roundup

2007-07-06T15:22:00.000-05:00

Because I'm too lazy to really write about anything, I'm just going to make this one all-encompassing post on the Chicago sports scene in the past couple days. At least the relevant scene. Fuck the White Sox.

The Cubs just complete a 4-game series win over the Nationals, and even on scrub day. Jacque Jones gets two meaningless doubles, but can't do shit with men on base OR against lefties. If I were Jacque Jones, and I'd seen my playing time dissipate, I think I would probably try and, you know, improve on my weaknesses. Especially if they're being presented for the world to see on a nightly basis. But, hey, self-improvement is obviously overrated in some people's mind. And he's got about $4.5 million reasons to say fuck it this year, about about another $5 million reasons for next year. So I guess if he's content, then cool. But, you won't be content in Chicago. Dickface.

Also, Cesar Izturis did something last night. He didn't really field to well, and his inability to yield to the 3rd baseman (which is something you learn very early) could have caused serious injury to Ramirez. But, hey, it's not like Ramirez is important to the team at all. Cesar certainly is though. And, did anyone notice, that although Koyie Hill is hitting a stellar .151 (I'm not calling for a replacement, just noting that it's low) Izturis was still put BEHIND him in the order? That's not exactly a vote of confidence.

So those are the Cubs. On to the Bears, who have reopened negotiations with Lance Briggs. Why? Well, probably because Briggs's agent wants to get paid. And the Bears have done a pretty solid job of playing hardball. I mean, sure they're cheap. But this is one issue where I think they're legitimately being cheap. And, honestly, I don't really care any more. I'm sure we can get something solid for Briggs if we trade him, and I doubt we end up letting him sit out 10 games or whatever. Although, if we do, it's his own fucking fault, and I could care less.

Now, the Bulls. In keeping with moves that fuck with my mind, they actually re-signed Nocioni. Now I stated how drafting Noah was reasonable with the liability that was Nocioni on his way out anyways, and a sign and trade with Nocioni would allow Noah to move right in. So now we give Noce a fucking 5 year contract??? When MEMPHIS WANTS HIM. It's not like Memphis has any players we'd be interested in though. They don't have an inside scoring presence who would like to play for a contender and who was very nearly traded to the Bulls (according to rumors) last year. Nope. I'm glad. Because I would feel like that was a missed opportunity to get the superior player, and then we're stuck with the inferior one at a very, very shitty contract. For 5 years. When that inferior player missed a portion of this past year to do a recurring injury anyways. Phew, what a mistake that would have been.

I get that Nocioni for Gasol doesn't happen straight up. You know who else the Bulls don't really need? Ben Gordon. Hell, I think that gives the Grizz too much. There's no way the Bulls do a sign and trade with Nocioni now.

Also, it's not like I hate Nocioni terribly. But where does he fit on this roster when he's making that much? He's not better than Tyrus Thomas. Offensively, yes, but Ty is also, like, fucking 21. And, to repeat, we probably could have gotten Gasol in a trade. But, anyways, back to Nocioni. His +/- is terrible. When he's on the floor we give up points and leads. He'll take the occasional charge, which is probably closer to a flop (but whatever), I just think he is out of place. And he certainly should not be making that kind of money. You know who's definitely out though? Ben Gordon. They don't have the money to have so many untouchable players, yet also be able to extend these guys.

I'm still waiting to be wowed by what the Bulls are doing this summer. And you know what? I don't think I'm going to see it. We're basically taking in the exact same team we had last year. And if we're relying on experience to propel us forward, I think we've seen in the past (i.e. this year) that additional experience is only going to take us so far.

Maybe Luol Deng turns into Michael Jordan and the Bulls begin a dynasty? Yeah, I don't think so either. But, fucking shit, when there are players out there to be had and we just sit back and re-sign Nocioni, that just fucking bothers me. Come on Paxson, impress me here.

No. No. No no no no no.

2007-06-29T15:30:00.001-05:00

Listen, I'm not one to rush decisions. I like to take my time with them. Kick them around a little bit. Like a baby. I mean, not like a baby, what is something you kick? No, I was right, a baby. Anyways, another thing I don't rush to is conclusions. And I especially try to hold out my conclusions about a team's draft, because it's going to take about three years for the players of said draft to come to fruition, unless they're in the top tier (and sometimes not even then).

But the Bulls fucking blew the draft last night. I missed all of the first 10 picks, except I did manage to see 2 seconds of them. Those two seconds? Joakim Noah wearing a fucking Bulls hat. Waste of a pick. Wait, I'll take that back.

Listen, I don't think Joakim Noah is a shitty player. He's just not what the Bulls need. No, I'll take that back too. I think he could be something the Bulls need, but it may take a little time. One thing he will never be, though, is a scorer. And that is one thing I hoped the Bulls could get with their #9 pick. Ok, I get it, there was none available for them to take. But what about shopping the pick? To the 76ers? Someone must have wanted Noah badly enough? Maybe? Did we really?

Here's what I expect from Noah. We need a young, athletic guy who can rebound and mix it up. I'd prefer he could also mix it up on the offensive end. But mixing it up in general is something I'll always get behind. We also have Nocioni, an undersized player who we don't really have the money (or desire) to keep. So Noah replaces Nocioni's role on the team of being the energy guy off the bench, but he provides better low-post defense and much better rebounding. We lose the offense of Nocioni, but then again, his +/- sucked at the end of the year anyways. Also, I think it will be interesting to see the pairing of Noah and Thomas down low. Not much offense (depending what Ty can add in the offseason) but high energy and tenacious defense. So, I guess I'm not as angry with this pick as I was at first. But just a note to Joakim Noah. Cut your hair, and don't be a fucking jackass. And please God shave. Thanks.

Now, on to the rest of the draft, or as I will call it, Shit Central.

Aaron Cook. I've seen this kind of player before. His name is every fucking other white center in the NBA who's failed in the past 20 years. Aaron Cook was constantly lauded for being such a great college center. And yet, his team has never won, and he always disappears in big games. And, two years ago his draft status wsa probably as high as it was going to be. There hasn't been any more improvement. He is a waste. Worthless. The Bulls should have drafted me. Because I also will never put on a uniform in the NBA. And I would not do it for less money. Aaron Cook. What a shite pick. Is Nick Smith unavailable that we needed to draft Aaron Cook?

And who's next? JamesOn Curry. First, what the hell is a JamesOn? There's probably some punchline to that joke, but I surely don't know it. Anyways, JamesOn went from being one of the top freshmen in the country to 3rd team All Conference last year. I didn't even know the Big 12 made a 3rd team. He's got no handle, no defense, and really his only skill is shooting the set shot, which he's not super awesome at either. Also, he's an undersized 2. Hmm, where else have I seen a team with an undersized 2. Shit, I just don't know. I'm glad we've got one though.

I get it, the end of the draft is a total crapshoot anyways and you're most likely never going to see anything from any of the players there. You're also going to take the best players available. And I don't really know what else was available. But I would much rather take a chance on a kid out of a small school (whatever happened to Harold "The Show" Arcineaux? Was that even his name?) than some player who I've seen a thousand times before and who used to (maybe once, on a fast break or something) impress me.

Also, John Paxson is a genius. Let's not discount that. I could be totally wrong, and it would be totally valid because John Paxson is bigger than Jesus. Well, I don't mean to say that he's bigger than Jesus, just a bigger deal. I would say Jesus was probably about 6'4".

So I could be totally wrong. And I would be fine with that. In fact, I suspect that I could be. While I don't like the Noah pick at first glance, it's actually pretty solid when you consider how easily he should be able to slide into his role. And really one pick is all you're going to get out of most drafts, so I'm guessing that Pax has a few ideas up his sleeve. If only we could rape the Knicks of a ton of draft picks again. Have they heard about the high ceiling on Ben Gordon?

Well that's a start

2007-06-20T09:25:00.000-05:00

Obviously, trade rumors have been flying around quite a bit for the past week or so. Well, this morning it seems that finally the Cubs have made an actual trade, perhaps kicking off what could be a pretty active trading season in the MLB.

I read on MLB Trade Rumors that the Cubs have traded Michael Barrett to the Padres for Rob Bowen, a backup catcher. Also included in the deal was a minor league player. Now I've read conflicting things. ESPN sources say that the Cubs got an unnamed minor league pitcher. However, MLB Trade Rumors says the Cubs got an outfielder who was drafted 35th overall last year, showed good power in high school and has a solid right field arm. Sort of a low-risk possibly high-reward type of player, if he can show anything against professional pitching, which so far he has not. Perhaps I can scout him during a Chiefs game and give my two cents, since I obviously know many things about scouting players. And people care what I think. But, it looks like it has since been updated that the Cubs did in fact receive an unnamed pitcher, and perhaps Buster Olney (who broke the trade) was had wrong information. So perhaps I won't be scouting Tyler Burke (the player originally rumored to be in the trade).

So so long Michael Barrett. I can't say that I'm surprised your gone, and I also can't really say that I'm sad to see you go. But you've been relatively good to us, and while your numbers have been down this year, offensively you've been pretty damn solid in the past.

Rob Bowen. Well, he's a backup catcher, but he's hitting better than San Diego's starter, Josh Bard. He's only got 82 at-bats though. Does that mean he's bad at handling a staff, but he can hit? Because we kind of just had a guy like that. He'll definitely be cheaper though. I think I almost would have rather gone with Josh Bard. Just because he seems to be able to handle the staff--well--and that sort of relegates Barrett to backup. And he was just a starter. And he's not really a backup catcher. I don't know the Padres' motives, but hell, if they want him, fantastic.

So, now with Barrett gone, we've got Koyie Hill, who, while not hitting much, is doing a solid job with the staff, Henry Blanco when he gets healthy, and Rob Bowen, whom I still know nothing about. What else could we do?

I read one incredibly unfounded rumor that the Cubs and Reds were discussing a trade involving Ken Griffey Jr. The trade would be Jacque Jones and Sean Marshall to Cincinatti, and Griffey comes over.

Now, as I said, incredibly unfounded, probably not even true. But what would be the point in that if it is true? Sure, Griffey is performing pretty well, and he'd definitely provide power from the left side. And we could use lefties in the lineup. And we definitely need to be rid of Jacque Jones. I just don't see this trade being even. And we need another outfielder when we'd still have too many guys to get at bats? Throw in Cliff Floyd, and Matt Murton. We've got a surplus, and we don't need it.

In addition to that, I still want to be rid of Scott Eyre and Cesar Izturis. They both suck and are dragging this team down. Izturis has lost his job to Mike Fontenot (or Theriot), and we're still going to need to get both Theriot and DeRosa at bats when Aramis comes back. I actually would not be terribly surprised to see DeRosa get traded. If we hadn't just signed him to a 3-year deal he absolutely would be on the block. He seems like he needs to be in the lineup in order to produce, as he's shown by going on a tear since the Cubs were in San Diego.

I still see a ton of moves that can be made, so hopefully Hendry will continue to remain active.

I have so much hate to give. So much.

2007-06-15T14:40:00.001-05:00

At times I can be a very hate-filled person. Like, there was the time that I was driving and I was cut off and then was forced to chase down the other person, follow them, then beat them senselessly. I can't remember if they lived or not. And I mean, I refuse to give Penny Dreadful a pass for sucking so horribly bad. The point is, I just have a lot of hate to give, but sometimes I wish I had even MORE outlets for it.

Anyways, with that being said, I would like to point out that I am always looking for new things to hate. Like, Li'l Bush. Hey, Comedy Central, why would you think allowing this show on the air would be a good idea? Remember your last failed George W. Bush show? No? You don't? That's a shame. Because it was horrible. I actually just puked a little thinking of how bad it was. But, yeah, maybe it will work the second time around, in animated form. That's going to work out great.

And now I've been forced to hate penguins as well. I mean, March of the Penguins was original or something. I get it. You know what isn't original? Like 8000 animated movies about penguins. I wonder what the next "It" animal will be? Giraffe's? Sandra Oh's? Camels? Oh, how about kangaroos? Maybe some sort of movie involving a rapping kangaroo would be fantastic. Get on that Hollywood.

So, now that I've gone off the topic I originally was missing anyways, let's just get to the list this week. Oh, also, it's great to be back. Venting my rage. To the list!

New this week:

America. Way to fucking go America, you're back on the list. And you know why? You chose to watch Tyler Perry's House of Payne. Why the fuck would you do something like that? Since when has Tyler Perry ever been the premier expert on anything funny? Oh, he dressed up like a fat old woman, that's, uh, original. But now this shitcom is making TBS a shitload of money, and I guarantee you it's so bad. I, of course, do not know, because I'm not a retard who would tune in to watch it. I made the mistake of watching about 5 minutes of an episode of My Boys when that was on. I then took out one of my kidneys as punishment. Without anesthesia, obviously. But, uh, anyways. House of Payne? "How about we make some sort of shitty family comedy with too many characters, weak plot lines, and an unoriginal background and slap Tyler Perry's name on it! People will love it! And the name can be suggestive! Suggestive!!" Fuck you TBS. And, come on America, I expect more out of you. The show was something like the highest rated sitcom on cable ever. This is only going to encourage both TBS and Tyler Perry, so for that America, you suck.

Bad Cubs. I was going to single out players, but I decided I could just lump them all into one category, and then call out the particular ones. First up: Jacque Jones. Dude, there's no room for you. Well, even if there was room, you wouldn't be playing, because you're about the 4th best option (currently, even with Murton in AAA) in the outfield as is. Actually, I would rather have Fontenot or Theriot out there in place of you as well. And you're complaining about playing time. Here's a hint: It would be easy to play you if you could hit and/or field well. Maybe if you knew how to hit a left-hander, or if you could hit with 2 strikes, you would play. But since you're insistent on not doing things well, it's no one's fault but your own. As for Cesar Izturis, you need to leave town. We do not want you. We certainly don't want you in the lineup. Fontenot/Theriot is a much better combination than anything you provide. I can appreciate your recent timely hitting, but still, you suck. If you could just get some sort of season ending injury so we could waive you, it would be greatly appreciated. So work on that, or I'll have to. And I don't think you want that.

Work. I hate work so much. I had the question posed to me this week, if I was doing this same exact job, but I was in Chicago, would I still hate it? I'm still not sure how to answer that question. I've done hours of soul-searching, I mean I would have if I had a soul, and I think I would have slightly more patience with this job, but I would still probably hate it. So I would probably still be looking for a new job regardless.

Heat. Speaking of this job, it's just so awesome. The a/c in our lab "works" really well. It's really great to come into work, and the temperature is set at 72, and when you leave at the end of the day, it's anywhere between 78-80. And that's actually good, because last year it would routinely get up above 88. So, that's bullshit. In addition, why does it have to be so fucking hot outside? I don't really enjoy working up a sweat by sitting in place. In fact, I despise it. Hey nature, go back to 75. Bitch.

Bachelor Parties. Man, I hate bachelor parties. Or, one in particular. Because things like gambling, and alcohol, and scantily clad women just don't mix at all. AT ALL.

Employers. Fuck you guys.

Peoria. You're really sucking the life out of me now Peoria. The heat, the isolation, the nothing to do. Hey, Cubs game tonight, want tickets? Oh, right, you live in Peoria. Damn. That sucks. You know what the best thing about living in Peoria is? I don't either.

Penny Dreadful. You better not be thinking I'll get over this, because I will not.

And what fell off:

Technology. My DVR is being a piece of shit, but I guess other than that, nothing ELSE has broken down on me recently, so I've got that going for me.

USPS. I found out this great new way to fuck over the USPS. It's called online bill pay. And, apparently, you can send money through a series of tubes to pay your bills, so you don't need to mail them. I have so many stamps left over that I've actually used them as currency to buy other collectible stamps.

TV Networks. I really can't justify taking any of these off of the last list. I think I'm just going to have to make a Dead To Me list also.

So that's all I've got. But there's oh so much more hate to give.

I still don't really get this

2007-06-14T09:25:00.000-05:00

Ok, so the Cubs have been doing better, but they're still not doing great, and I'm confused about a couple of things.

Why can't Piniella stick with one batting order? The top three spots in the batting order, for the most part now that Pie is up, are set, and when Ramirez is healthy, the top 4 are set. But why would you move around all of the different hitters? And why would you bat Jacque Jones anywhere but 6th or 7th? Or even Michael Barrett for that matter? Neither of them are hitting as well as they should be, so why would you want to exploit that by putting them in the 4th spot? That spot should go to Cliff Floyd, who should be in the lineup rather than Jacque Jones, and that's how it should stay. And remember when Piniella hit Jones 2? What the hell was he thinking? I just get sick of seeing a new batting order every single day, and it's just baffling.

Now that Murton has been sent down, which still seems pretty illogical, that should make roles just a little bit clearer. Floyd, Pagan occasionally, and Jones will share time in right, but I would hope that Floyd and Pagan get the bulk of the time. Remember how everyone said that signing Cliff Floyd would be a mistake unless they moved Jacque Jones? Well, now it's completely come to fruition. Everyone is playing out of place in right, except for perhaps Jacque, but he's sucking the most of everyone. I still don't see why Floyd needed to be signed in the first place, since Murton proved he can handle playing everyday last year. Baahhh. Still upset at this situation.

But, anyways, why do we still have Jacque Jones? What are we possibly looking for in return? There's one area that we need help at, and it's bullpen. And even that hasn't been too bad of late. Maybe it just took two months for everyone to get into bullpen mindset. Everyone except Eyre or course, because fatty just sucks. Are we looking for another major league caliber position player? We definitely don't need another outfielder, and we have an excess of middle infielders as well. So what do we want? Catcher? First baseman? It seems like those guys would just be wasting a roster spot. So we have to trade for a minor leaguer. I would be fine if we took a risk on a young guy with a live arm, and possibly not a lot of potential, just so we could get rid of Jones. I mean, there you at least have a chance that the kid could turn into something good. With Jones you just have a lot of inadquate play, and there's really not space for it on this team.

Now, about that bullpen. What the hell is going on out there? Why do we need 13 pitchers? We should have traded Scott Eyre when we had the chance, assuming we did have the chance. Sean Marshall has been amazing, and Rich Hill has been solid too (he can't get run support), so we are obviously doing a better job of developing pitchers. Speaking of, Marmol is doing well out of the bullpen also. We need to waive Eyre or something, because if we're not going to use him, it's worthless to have him taking up a roster spot. But remember Neal Cotts? What the hell happened to him? Did I miss something?

Anyways, here's what I would like to see happen. We package Jacque Jones, Cesar Izturis (who is now out of a job) and Scott Eyre and send them to someone who will give us a reliever in return. I would also say that as much as I hate to do it, Murton should be traded. I would love to get Saltalamachhia from the Braves, and I think we may have something they want, although I'm not sure what it would be. Starting pitching? Murton/Jones? Bullpen guys we have no use for but they may be able to coach?

Also, back to another concern I have. Now, I'll admit, I'm too lazy to look up injuries or anything, but what happened to the guys we had up earlier in the year? I mentioned Neal Cotts before, but what about Ronnie Cedeno? He had a great spring. Is he really sucking in AAA? (Fine, I'll check.) Nope. No he's not. (Neal Cotts however, pretty much is.) He's not hitting to the tune of .389 like a certain other player recently recalled, or even .340 like a player who was also recently recalled, but he's hitting .319. There's really no spot for Ronnie on the roster, so why can't we package him in a deal also? He could easily have a spot on another team looking for a little infield depth, and we just don't have room for him, what with having 4 utility infielders as it is.

Anyways, I guess there's really no point to all of this, except to question whether or not this team really has any direction. Deals should be being made to solve the problems. I realize that with the sale of the team pending, the Cubs, regardless of what they may say, are probably pretty limited in spending, so they're not going to be able to take on much more salary. But if the Cubs are waiting to find the perfect deal for Jacque Jones, they're probably not going to find it. I would have found it, though, because my perfect deal for Jacque Jones is ANYTHING.

So there are players to be moved, and this is really the first time in a while that the Cubs can be sellers with their glut of reasonably talented players. Hopefully Hendry can get off his ass and do something, but that remains to be seen.

Remembering things is overrated

2007-05-18T14:39:00.000-05:00

Well it's time for another installment of things that send me into a murderous rage for quite possibly no reason at all.

It's been a much better week for me this week. I feel like karma was less of a bitch to me. Actually, I take that back. I showed karma what's what, and now she knows not to mess with me again. And, I reiterate, she is a whore.

Anyways, like I said, much better week. Peoria, while being horrible, managed not to suck the life out of me. I also had motivation to take care of my business in a timely, efficient manner, meaning inspiration was plentiful enough. Man, why am I so cryptic at times?

Also great was tv this week. The deaf tranny won America's Next Top Model, some other stuff happened on other shows I didn't watch, the Bulls almost made a run and at least made things interesting until they forgot the point of basketball was to actually make shots, and the Office was great. All of these things combined with my ass-kicking of karma made this week semi-easy to handle. So where does the hate come from this week?

I'll tell you where.

New this week:

Technology. Well, you finally did it. Because my FM transmitter was being such a piece of shit and was actually ignoring the laws of gravity, thus falling over any time my car made a slight move to the right, I was forced to purchase a new one. Apparently bastards hadn't had the foresight to realize that manual transmissions may cause problems for stupid FM transmitters. So thanks for that technology. You continue to rape money out of my pockets. Don't even think about what that actually means, because I do not know either.

Jacque Jones. Guess who's back on the list. Your inability to perform on offense for the Cubs is horrendous. Plus, you have now been supplanted by Angel fucking Pagan. The walking contradiction. Pagan was hitting .250 in AAA, and he's hitting well above you now. So, don't let the door hit you on the way out. Also, walk out the door quickly please. You're holding up the line.

Work. Whoever came up with the idea of work on a Friday? It's complete bullshit. I tend to think of work as more of an option and not a requirement on Friday's though. Sure, I could do work. But what about free will man? I don't need your rules.

USPS. Hey, did you know the price of postage went up? Do you know why it did? Because the government likes fucking people. Do you know how much it costs to mail your typical letter? 3 cents. Where's the other 36, i mean 38 cents going? And why does it have to be an odd number? It's 40 too difficult? Fuck you post office. I just finished off my fucking 37 cent stamps, and now postage will go up right around the time I buy 41 cent stamps. I would like to tell this little anecdote. Last year, when postage went up, I fought the system by continuing to mail things with 37 cent stamps. I know, I'm a rebel. Well, the post office was my bitch, because they delivered that shit for a month. Suckers. Also, I'm glad there was a memo sent out about postage. I wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't told about it on Sunday night or saw it on cnn.com. If something was included in my mail about it, maybe they should have tried to not send it with the rest of the junkmail bullshit I get. Man, fuck the post office.

TV Networks. This week networks revealed new shows and shit for the fall. Or something, I don't know. My problem is with how retarded these networks are, specifically Fox. Fox has this grand idea that every piece of shit they touch is gold. And retards who watch Fox only solidify that fact. Fox has good shows, like Simpsons and Family Guy, and a shit-ton of people watch American Idol. So, Fox thinks they're untouchable, and they're pretty incapable of losing money. Oh, also they have that are you a redneck show with Jeff Foxworthy that people love for some reason. Anyways, because of this, and their inability to promote shows that are actually good, Fox has a lineup that is consistenly packed with shit that fails. The only shows Fox CAN promote are shitty shows. Case in point: 'Til Death. Somehow that shitcom got picked up for a second season, even though it's not funny and no one watches it. Yet, Arrested Development couldn't even squeeze out 3 full seasons. If you want to be successful at Fox, you either have to be mind-numbingly retarded or have a solid enough premise that can be picked up at any point by retards. Fuck TV networks, but specifically, fuck Fox.

Employers. Hi, I still need a job. Why are you not offering me one? Why are you an asshole? You can take your job and shove it, you're an asshole. But seriously, I'll take it.

Peoria. I said this week was better. You know how bored I was this weekend? I took like 4 naps and I worked out. On a weekend. I don't do that. I cannot come up with one benefit to living in Peoria. Wait, it's not Decatur. That's as positive as I can get.

Off this week:

Money. I will never have enough money. However, it varies from week to week how much of a problem that is. This week, maybe not so much. Next week, probably.

Karma. See above. Karma is still a bitch, but I made it my bitch. I don't want to get into the specifics of how this occurred though.

Best Buy. You are still a bitch, and I hate your policies. However, I cannot stay mad when you have so many reasonably priced HDTV's. Also, I have developed a plan for getting a new TV, which Best Buy is involved with, so in the interest of the partnership, I have chosen to remove Best Buy, at least temporarily.

The Cubs are bad

2007-05-18T08:51:00.000-05:00

I fail to understand how the Cubs continue to lose games that should be won, and I fail to see it for a number of reasons. The only reason that I keep coming back to is that this is just a bad team, and maybe everyone on the team is on the decline. Of course, you look at the mostly excellent starting pitching of the past, oh, month, and then you look at the ability of the Cubs to have an extremely high team batting average (thank you Derrek Lee), and you really wonder why they suck so incredibly bad. The main problem, obviously, is the inconsistency. And it comes from everywhere.

The bullpen sucks. How can you walk in runs? Or, more importantly, how can you walk runs in when there are already two outs? You've got Wuertz who will blow a game, but then you turn around and you see Dempster blow a game. And these have been two of our more consistent pitchers. There's Eyre, who is actually very consistent, in that he's fat and he sucks, Howry, who has been fairly steady in his recent past, but this year has just been inconsistent, and then there's Cotts, who started out hot, but is now sucking. Add into that also Rocky Cherry who's inexperienced, and while you'd like to see him be able to come up and be solid immediately, you need to allow some room for rookie inexperience. All of this results in a bullpen that, when given a lead, never leaves you to feel confident.

Cardinal rules of baseball: never walk the leadoff man, never walk someone with two outs. These seem like pretty simple rules to abide by, and yet the Cubs suck at it. It has bitten Rich Hill in the ass in his last two starts, it hurt Marquis in his last start, it's hurt Dempster and Wuertz. Everyone does it, but when you walk someone, you ruin your chances of getting that player out. I know, it's pretty complicated.

Anyways, on the whole, the starting pitching has been otherworldly when compared to how I thought it would be. I never expected Ted Lilly to be pitching so well, and I honestly didn't even expect Angel Guzman to be pitching as well as he is. And, I will again admit, Jason Marquis may not suck at life like I had originally thought. Zambrano may have turned the corner on his season, and obviously, if Rich Hill can limit his walks, this starting rotation is primed for success. But, that bullpen...

To the offense, inconsistency is perhaps too accurate in describing it. This week is a perfect example. Put up 4 runs on Tom Glavine, then stop. Put up 10 runs the next day. Then get fucking 2 hit by Jorge Sosa, then get 5 runs the next day. The way our starters pitch, 5 runs should get a win. But it does not, because of our bullpen. Let's go all the way back to last weekend against the Phillies, when the Cubs got 1 run(?) against Cole Hamels, then put up 7 only to give up 11 (thanks bullpen), and then they won on like 3 runs or something Sunday (I don't remember and I'm lazy). It's not even this past week either, it's been the entire season. To be able to score so many runs, yet to still have the record we have is ridiculous. Also, the disparity between runs scored and runs allowed is ridiculous with the record we have. It all goes to show that the Cubs, when they score, give up a lot, and when they don't score, they don't give up a lot. I suppose it could also be an indicator that on any given day, despite good pitching performances from our starters, they're being outpitched by their opponents, but that's not really the case when the Cubs squander opportunities to score runs.

Anyways, I have learned that there's really no such thing as clutch hitting. It's not a statistic, and there's nothing that makes one hitter perform better in a "clutch" situation over another. However, they do keep track of things like batting average with RISP, RISP and 2 outs, and I think those are a fairly good indicator of how someone will perform in a clutch situation, and, usually, the better hitters are also better in the clutch. So, when at the end of an inning you've got 2 outs, runners on second and third, and Jacque Jones or Cesar Izturis up, I am uncomfortable. Even with Cesar hitting surprisingly well of late, I do not like the situation. So I would like to make some suggestions as to how I would change this team.

First, unload Jacque. He's not really hitting any more, and he's certainly not doing it with any consistency. He's surprisingly sufficient in center field, but at one point do you trade sufficient outfield ability with inability to hit? Hell, Angel fucking Pagan is hitting really well right now, as he did last year before being injured, so I'd much rather have Pagan in center anyways. And who cares what we get for Jacque? Bullpen pitcher who's prone to big innings but doesn't give up many walks? Minor leaguer with plus arm but terrible control who will never make it to the majors? I DON'T CARE. He needs to go.

As much as I love Ryan Theriot, and as surprised as I am by Cesar Izturis, this team needs to re-evaluate the middle infield. Theriot is reminding everyone that we didn't need to sign Mark DeRosa, at least for second base, and it's great. But I would like to see Theriot play everyday. He's too good, and the other two do not one Ryan Theriot make. So either play Theriot at second or play him at short, but make sure he's in every single day. Also, I would actually like to see what Fontenot does in the lineup. He's tearing the shit off the ball in AAA, so let's see what he does in the bigs. It's not like he'd be any worse than Cesar, and he got a double his first at bat, so give him a start. Please Lou. Please. As for DeRosa, I still like having him around as a utility guy/second baseman/whatever, I just wish he would hit more. It seems like some of the guys just don't get enough AB's to get into any sort of groove, and having too many good hitters is not really a problem I saw the Cubs having. Ever.

As for the bullpen, something needs to be done to light a fire under their asses. There are still too many walks, and it seems like most of the time they're throwing batting practice for the opposing teams. I don't know if this is because of their approach, or because of their lack of execution (the walks have to be lack of execution), but Lou just looks baffled every time he sees a lead coughed up. And I'm baffled too. And enraged. So let's play around with it a little. Bring Rocky Cherry back up, and send someone down who isn't out of options (we're actually pretty limited there, which blows). Maybe look to trade. Switch around roles. I would say Dempster is fine at closer, despite yesterday, but if yesterday is any indication, do not bring him in just to have him pitch. Or, if he blows it, don't be afraid to give him the hook. I find it hard to believe that this bullpen is collectively unable to throw strikes on any given day, so somebody has to be able to do it. Right? Please tell me I'm right.

I really do expect this team to bring it all together at some point, and the season is long, so there's still time. Also, I would consider the bulk of the teams in the NL weaker than the Cubs, so you would have to like our matchups most of the time. That being said, this team better fucking quit sucking.

Welcome Back. Bitches.

2007-05-11T15:12:00.000-05:00

So it's been a little while since I've written anything. And you know what? I've barely had any inspiration for anything at all. I'll start hating something, and then I'll forget about it. Me and my lousy memory. If I could remember I'd write something about that too. But anyways, where was I?

So, what's new? Not a lot, thanks for asking. My life has no direction, but that's nothing new. Also, I have become increasing obsessed with Michael Cera for reasons beyond my own understanding. I think he may be the funniest person alive. And have you seen the preview for Superbad? That shit looks hilarious.

Man, what's my deal? Not even any hilarious anecdotes this week? You'd think after so long off I'd be saving shit up in my lockbox of hilarity. Well, I lost it. How does that sound? So without further ado, this week's list:

New this week:

Technology. Yep, you're still on my shit list. Nothing you do can go well for me. My tv continues to suck, and I think there my also be a spot of discoloration developing as well. That's just terrific, because often I wonder what my TV would look like if it were in variations of green and blue. Hopefully, soon enough, you can quell that thirst for knowledge. Also, my FM transmitter for my iPod now sucks. Apparently it wasn't designed with my car in mind, because whenever I reverse, I have to slip it on its side. Well, now it flips over almost every time I make a right turn. That's not annoying at all. Thanks for that technology. Except replace the word "that" with everything. Oh, and replace "thanks" for "fuck you."

Money. Man, so many fucking bills to pay this month. Also, I want to point out that when we had yearly reviews, in JANUARY, mine was stellar. But I couldn't get a raise because they're in NEGOTIATIONS. So, yeah, that will happen never. Perhaps this should be filed under work, but it's regarding money, and I still don't have enough. I may pick up another job on the side dealing drugs, because where's the downside in that? Nowhere is the correct answer.

Work. Man, remember how I complained about how cold it was in here, back in like February? Yeah, those were the good old days. It's 81 degrees outside, and yet it's a brisk 78 degrees in here. It's amazing I don't catch frostbite in these working conditions. 78 degrees. What do I look like. A penguin? (If I do look like a penguin, just don't tell me.)

Karma. So, I hate my job, and I'm still looking for a new one. Since I don't give a shit about it, I called in sick on Monday. Woohoo extended weekend. Well karma is kicking me in the ass for it, because among various other things, I'm getting sick. And/or I've gotten sick. But can karma give me a new job for working a shit job for this long? Of course not. Because karma is a cold-hearted bitch. And I heard she was a whore too.

Best Buy. I actually still hate you, and as proof, I actually bought something from Wal-Mart. God, I just shuddered as I typed out Wal-Mart.

Employers. Hey, employers, why don't you quit following karma's lead and get me a new fucking job! I'm a great employee, and as long as I'm interested in my work and feel like I'm being reimbursed for said work fairly, I'll not take too many sick days when I'm not sick. Hell, Monday was the first I'd ever taken here. So what's that bullshit about? Um, anyways, back on course, I would very nearly give my number out on here just to see if employers would call it, but I'd probably get a lot of fans calling, and I don't have the effort to screen calls this weekend. So, uh, where was I? Oh yeah, I need a new job.

Peoria. You know what there is in Peoria? Shit. None of my friends. A strip club that I refuse to go to by myself. A strange smell on various days. Boredom. Apathy. And my fucking job. It's like my apartment is an oasis in a giant desert of dullness and whatever the opposite of life is. I need to get out of here.

Penny Dreadful. I was in Best Buy like a month ago (before the iPod debacle) and I bought two movies from Horrorfest. You know how many of them were Penny Dreadful? Zero. In fact, I saw the pile of Penny Dreadful movies and I broke them all in half, while screaming incessantly, and then I puked on them. Yeah. Take that Penny Dreadful.

Off this week:

Jacque Jones. You know, he should probably still be on the list. How do you fucking leave 9 runners on base in one game? But, you know what, I just don't have the Jacque-hating in me right now.

Tires. Apparently I am fickle and cannot hold a grudge for very long. Who says I haven't learned anything from women?

So that's all I've got for this week. It's kicked my ass, and I'll be glad to say good-riddance to it. So I guess I'll see everyone in three weeks?

I forget things

2007-04-24T13:57:00.000-05:00

This weekend was not your typical weekend in Peoria, but, then again, my typical weekends in Peoria are spent indoors with the lights off, shades drawn and a gun by my side as I peer out my window between the shades. Oh, and there may or may not be alcohol there. But this was Internation Beerfest weekend, so there was really no way it could be typical anyways.

Friday started out with me leaving work at 6:15. Hey, that's exciting. I had to stop and pick up some extra Captain on the way home, and I believe I saw one guy walking the street who already was outrageously intoxicated. Good times. I was actually kind of jealous of him though, not for being in the street, but for being intoxicated. But I digress. I got home, had a small dinner and showered so I could get my drink on. Streets and Bootz got to Peoria around 8:45, and they seemed to have made pretty good time. I was not yet completely drunk by the time they got there, but I was well, well on my way. So I continued drinking, they began drinking, and we all started getting drunk. The night is actually really hazy after that. I don't remember leaving my apartment too well, but I do remember getting to 4play. I believe we got there and it was pretty empty. I have no idea what time this was by the way. So we sat down, and we kept drinking obviously. Then there was a whole lot of empty space in my memory. I think the three of us were dancing, and then I think the two chicks went to the bathroom, leaving me by myself. That was great. I was grabbed by some chick and asked if I wanted to dance. Why the hell not? So when Bootz and Streets walked out of the bathroom, I was dancing with some chick no one knew. Somehow I wandered away from her or something though, and I was back in the clear. Um, there was more dancing I guess, and then we left around 2:30 or so. AND WE DIDN'T GO TO BIG AL'S. Hugely disappointing. Anyways, we crossed the street over to Hoops for some kickass pizza. Streets ordered and paid, and I remember ordering a beer. Then we found a table and sat, waiting for our pizza. For some reason, Streets decided to take a string of 28 pictures of Bootz and myself, while we did nothing spectacular. I went to check on the pizza, and like two minutes later it came. So we marched back to my place (not actual marching, at least that I can remember), and at one point Bootz carried the pizza on her head. I don't know why either. We got back, and everyone had pizza I think, and there were phone calls made, I think. Bootz was adamant about me getting out my futon mattress for her to sleep on, and I don't think anyone knows why that happened either.

Woke up the next day before 10 I think. I'm pretty sure. We were all very hungover, and there was much Tylenol to be had. After the chicks took a short nap, we all went to eat at Buffalo Wild Wings. It wsa not as enjoyable as possible, probably mostly due to the intense much smell we were getting. No one was feeling too hot afterwards, and this was a problem in part due to the fact that we were going to try many various kinds of beer with no break in between, and some of them were going to be bad. We took a cab to the IBF, but we had to wait like 10 minutes for it, so we waited outside. Just sitting on the bench behind us was none other than Sergio McClain, who I had met previously at 4play. While drunk. I fought the urge to go talk to him, mainly because I had nothing to talk about besides looking like an idiot. Our cab driver there was particularly special. She took us a long, roundabout way, and she made various types of conversation. I will not go into the topics of conversation; suffice to say they were mainly about this crazy lady's problems. At the beerfest, there were roughly 12 beers tried by each person, althought there were some repeats, even after the rules were explained. We probably left around 6:30 or 7 back to my place, when we got a nice cab for the ride back home. Then we headed to get some dinner, and we saw like 10 people who we'd seen earlier at the Beerfest. We walked to Martini's, had a drink there, and we were going to have another but the waitress never came back, so we walked back home, I drank, then we headed out for a night of boredom at 4play. There was seriously no one there until like 12:30, and we left at like 1:30. There were no other shenanigans in the night, except that we watched like 20 minutes of Cursed, a terrible, terrible movie.

That was pretty much the weekend. Streets and Bootz had to leave early, so there were no further adventures. It started off awesome, minus Big Al's though, and it ended pretty boring. I guess that's the risk you run when you drink various beers all day though, and then no one goes out at night. Still, it was way better than any other weekend in Peoria though.

I declare shenanigans

2007-04-23T15:40:00.000-05:00

I will say directly off the bat that I did not see very much of the Bulls-Heat game on Saturday, mainly because I was busy indulging in massive amounts of microbrewery/international beers. However, I call shenanigans on every person who is bitching about the refs in the game.

First off, Shaq should quit being such a whiny bitch. Contact is contact, and just because he usually (and probably will) gets those calls at home doesn't mean that he's going to get them on the road. I would like to point everyone to the series last year between the Bulls and the Heat. The Bulls couldn't win in Miami because they got fucked over by the referees, and then, surprise, the Bulls could win when they were getting the calls at home. I'm not saying it's right or it's fair, but that's the way it is.

Second, fuck you Heat. It's bullshit to claim an entire loss is due to referees. They can make it harder to overcome in the long-run, and provide some extra tense moments in games, but to say you lost a game ENTIRELY due to the referees is complete bullshit. Why can't you blame it on Luol Deng making a bitch out of everyone? Because that's what he did.

Third, who's to say that the reputation of the Heat don't precede them, especially when they play the Bulls. James Posey doesn't exactly make the cleanest fouls when he plays the Bulls. This can be evidenced by any of the times that he was ejected after a hard foul in previous matchups. Fuck James Posey. It's not our fault that he plays dirty. (Very objective statement, feel free to ignore. But what you cannot ignore is two ejections.)

The Heat got outplayed. Sure Shaq was in foul trouble, but wait until the games are played in Miami and the roles are completely reversed, with Ben Wallace in foul trouble and Shaq only having two fouls. You know it's going to happen to. Then what will it be a product of? Enough bitching by the Heat to get their way? The referees "realizing" that the Bulls are "fouling" numerous players on the Heat? Or the fac that the Heat have the home-court?

It's obviously the last one. Regardless, the Bulls will win, the Heat will complain, and no one will matchup with Luol Deng.

Happy Pot Day Bitches

2007-04-20T16:53:00.000-05:00

I would say that my fondest memory of 420 would have to be from my senior year of high school. I went to a small high school, and it was located on the edge of a really rural town, so we were surrounded by a lot of cornfields and stuff.

For the last period of the day, I had Advanced Biology, and our teacher was pretty young, so she was pretty informal. She told us that we could either stay inside and take notes (it was a Friday, and that actually makes me feel pretty fucking old) or we could go outside and do roadside cleanup for the Adopt-A-Highway bullshit. We chose the latter since it was a nice day. Well, at one point while we were out there, our teacher told us to be on the lookout for an unmarked white van. Apparently, one had driven past the elementary school (very nearby) two or three times and had been reported to the police. So our teacher was apparently cool with us getting kidnapped and taken to be sodomized as long as she didn't have to put together some sort of after-school or weekend roadside cleanup activity. But, hell, we were outside, and it was a pretty nice day, so we complained, but we could have complained a lot more. We lost 2 kids out of our class that day, but I'll be damned if that road wasn't slightly cleaner by the time we finished.

So let's see who or what is on notice this week:

New this week:

Technology. FUUUUUUUUCK. I've tried typing this bitch out twice now, and it keeps fucking closing on me. Thanks for that technology. Add to the fact that my TV screen keeps resizing itself at the edges. It's difficult to explain, but basically I see it happen and I begin to think I'm having seizures. Then I realize that my TV is just shitting out on me. Seriously, technology has done nothing but tread on me for the past month at least. Fuck you technology.

Jacque Jones. Nothing too personal here Jacque, but we don't need you any more. We didn't really need you last season, since you really didn't do anything too spectacular, and you certainly didn't increase your trade value (somehow), but we definitely don't need you now. You're the odd man out in our crowded outfield, which could be a compliment, since it says we think too much of you to put you on the bench. Yeah, just consider it a compliment, and not the fact that you're not good enough. But you're on notice regardless. Get off the Cubs.

Work. I'm fucking working overtime on a Friday. I don't know what the deal is, but for the past three fucking weeks on Friday (Thursday during Vegas week) right around 1pm is when I get fucking swamped with shit to do. Thankfully I don't have shit going on till later tonight, otherwise I'd be hellapissed about it. Regardless, work, you're treading on me. Fuck you, you're on notice.

Tires. Tires, you're preventing Meg from coming to Peoria. Specifically, fuck you out of stock tires. You should remain in stock at all times, and you should come up with a system that will replenish yourself if you should be nearing the end of your in-stockedness. And what's with that blowing out shit? Bullshit I tell you.

Best Buy. Hey, still no word on my iPod. Well, I guess that's incorrect, since I STILL DON'T HAVE IT. I NEED MY IPOD. GIVE IT TO ME. Fuck you and your shitty-for-the-most-part warranty system Best Buy.

Employers. Still no job in Chicago. Fuck you, I need one. Peoria is killing my will to live, and specifically, my job is kiling my will to live. Hire me already. Please, seriously, I'm dying over here.

Peoria. IS KILLING MY WILL TO LIVE. It's fucking in the middle of nothing too. There's no direct way to get anywhere except Champaign or Indianapolis from Peoria. Oh, I can get to Galesburg??? OUTSTANDING. Why would I want to go to Chicago if I could go to GALESBURG?? And there's no Amtrak in Peoria either. What's that about. Oh, I could take a charter bus that will take me to either of two airports or the mall in Schaumburg. What a sweet deal. Seriously Peoria, get your shit in gear.

Dropping off:

Weather. It's about time you got your shitass in gear. I don't have time for this cold bullshit. It should be 72 and sunny from here on out. It can get slightly warmer, but no cooler. Otherwise...

Hangovers. I can't stay mad at you. I mean, I haven't felt like puking from alcohol since last Tuesday. Besides, you mean I probably had fun the night before, and I'm definitely going to feel better than you at some point in the future.

So that's all I've got for this week. I fucked Blogger over and still managed to post this despite them, so I feel that's definitely a personal victory. So who wants to get fucked up.

What's the deal

2007-04-19T07:43:00.000-05:00

Last night I managed to catch the bulk of the Cubs game, especially when I wasn't busy and/or disgusted with what I saw. It was one of the first games in a while that I've been able to watch, this is what I took away from it.

From what I've seen basically all year, Jacque Jones is worthless. Not worthless in the Neifi Perez category where he's going to OBP exactly what his BA is, and he's going to hit soft grounders and popups everywhere. He's worthless in that he constantly appears to be trying to much at the plate, and it gets him nothing. In Sunday's game, he had a key strikeout on three pitches that were nowhere near the strikezone, nor was he close to hitting them. He cannot hit lefties, which is a shame because he's one of the few lefties we have on the team, and it's nice to have at least one in your lineup daily.

In last night's game, Scott Eyre, who I'll get to later, came into the game, got two quick outs, then blew ass and gave up a 2-run single. It was hit to right, Jones came up throwing, and the throw was well off target. Now, I think a good throw would have nailed the runner, but it's not like I expected Jones to throw the guy out. Actually, that's kind of the problem, because I KNEW Jones wouldn't throw the guy out.

Maybe I'm just spoiled, or I expect too much, but Jacque Jones needs to go. Pie is already proving that he's a pretty solid lead-off hitter, and he's proving (at least two games in) that he can be an offensive spark. Pie can move to center, since he's an outstanding defensive player (he's got range and a gun), move Soriano to right since he's got range and a good arm, and then you can rotate Murton and Floyd in left. personally, I think Murton should get more ab's than Floyd, because it doesn't seem to me like Floyd is hitting a lot, and he's not really going to. He only hit .244(ish) last year. Give Murton at least 60% of the playing time out there and let him do what he does.

Should we decide that Pie isn't quite ready yet (although so far it looks like he is, after all 2 games) then we should play DeRosa in right, Theriot at second and Murton/Floyd/Jones in left. Now, why did we sign Cliff Floyd? Or why did we not move Jones? We knew it was going to come to this, a logjam in the outfield (imagine if we'd kept Josh Hamilton, and had foresight). I just really see no benefit from giving Jones everyday playing time but not the other two guys. He has better range, but probably hits worse. And in a clutch situation, I would rather have either of the other two guys hitting than Jones.

It's not that Jones is bad per se, it's just that I don't think he really fits on the team. He said he'd be willing to move back to left, should Pie stay up and Soriano move to right. Looking like a good team player is yet another thing that will allow him to be traded easier, but we already have 2 left fielders (up to 4 or 5 if you count Ward, Theriot, DeRosa). We don't really need another.

So I just don't see where Jones fits on this team, and I also don't see how he ends this season with the Cubs. I would love to see him go somewhere else, back to the AL perhaps, and succeed, but I'm done with him on the North Side. And should the Cubs end up getting their ass kicked in a trade, I'm still ok with moving him. Seriously, we have 5 outfielders on the roster, and how big would it have been to have Angel Guzman last night.

Speaking of last night, and actually this season so far, it seems like the Cubs have been struggling due to a lack of execution, rather than incompetence from the manager. A perfect indicator of this was last night when Eyre couldn't get the third out in the 7th and we saw Lou in the dugout just shrugging. Eyre had 2 outs quick, then walk, infield hit, walk, 2-run single, then somehow another run scored while I looked away in disgust.

What is that an indicator of? Eyre just had a lack of focus (which was excellent, since he was probably the only pitcher on enough rest to be effective)? Eyre doesn't have the stamina to pitch a full inning (fatty)? Eyre is just not effective enough? Obviously, it's easiest to pin this all on Eyre, and while it's not entirely his fault, I still won't stop from blaming him. Entirely.

Speaking of another lefty, how about that Will Ohman? Lou continues to go to him, and Ohman continues to suck. We all know that it probably should have been Ohman, not Guzman, who was sent to the minors, so what does that mean? The Cubs reward experience over performance (still?? I thought we were done with that)? I'm all for sticking with a guy through some rough patches, but how many losses can you handle until you realize that something could be wrong?

It's nice to see that Rich Hill is going today, since he appears to be the best starter we have in our rotation. Carlos is Carlos, and walks continue to kick his ass. I'm starting to wonder if Henry Blanco shouldn't be the personal catcher for Carlos. Henry is excellent handling Carlos's disposition, while Barrett seems slightly intimidated (and understandably so). Even if Barrett isn't intimidated, he doesn't handle Carlos's demeanor quite as well.

Regardless, hopefully Jacque will find his way out of Chicago (if he'd get hurt, that would save us having to trade him for a while, although it could hurt his value), hopefully Pie will remain up, and hopefully the bullpen gets its shit together, because our starting pitching has been pretty stellar, and it sucks to come away with little to show for it.

A closer look at the Illini '07 recuiting class

2007-04-17T13:56:00.000-05:00

According to the News-Gazette, the Illini have secured their fifth and final commitment from Rodney Alexander for the 2007 incoming class. While nothing has been made official (Alexander has until the end of the spring signing period, May 16), I'm going to assume it is official that Alexander will be with the Illini next year. Because this class is complete, and this is the first time in years that all of the scholarships have been used up, I thought I'd take a closer look at the players the Illini will be getting.

PG Demetri McCamey - Demetri was the first commit from the 2007 class (if memory serves). I could bore you with statistics and everything, but why would I do that? Demetri's got pretty good size for a PG at 6'3", and he should fit right into the relatively tall Illini backcourt. Demetri, as many of you may know, is also known for the time he spends with Big Brothers of America, as he often volunteers much of his time with that program. In addition to that, he volunteers at numerous hospitals and retirement homes. It is said that Demetri saves at least one person's life a week just by showing up and brightening their day.

PF Bill Cole - Bill was technically the second to commit to the Illini. Well, not technically I don't think, but of the people who actually signed LOI's, Bill was the first. He has helped lead Richwoods to various successes in recent years, including a 2nd place finish in the offensive shootout vs. Chicago Simeon in March, 2006, in which the game was tied at 29 at the end of regulation. One of the commonly known facts about Bill around the Peoria area (with which I have become increasingly familiar) is that, while not very imposing, he has the strength of 10 men. He often puts on feats on strength for anyone who asks him. Rumor has it that if you make him mad enough, he will go on a phonebook tearing rampage. And we all know that that's never pretty.

C Mike Tisdale - The third of the 2007 commitments (it has recently dawned on me that I could be way off on these), Mike Tisdale may be one of the most controversial. He committed very early for a Class A player, and he also seems to have a similar build to one Nick Smith. Really, pretty much any comparison to Nick Smith is grounds for disturbance, and I'm sure it's one that Mike is not comfortable with. Anyways, in his free time, you can find Nick volunteering for the Riverton Fire Department. No, he doesn't fight fires. He takes advantage of his length by rescuing adorable kittens and puppies from trees and roofs. He also cleans gutters and gets kites out of trees. Oh, he probably works on his game too.

SG Quincy Watkins - Quincy was a recruit who came out of nowhere pretty much (I can guarantee he was the fourth commit). Watkins was sort of late to the game when it came to garnering attention, but he certainly managed to do so, as both Arizona and UCLA showed interest. He (19.7ppg, 4.2rbg)emerged as a scoring threat down the stretch, so Illini fans are optimistic that he can continue improvement and give the Illini the scoring they desperately lack. Quincy is sort of a local hero in Compton, as he once walked into a convenience store while it was being held up. Quincy was overcome by adrenaline and beat up both of the thieves, absorbing two gunshots in the process. I use the term absorbing loosely, however, as numerous eye-witness accounts report the bullets appeared to bounce off of Quincy's chest and fall to floor. Quincy then rescued a runaway stroller from a busy intersection and helped 4 separate old women across the street. Then he returned to kick the thieves' asses a little bit.

SF(?) Rodney Alexander - The final piece of the recruiting puzzle this year is Rodney Alexander. A direct descendant of Fresno State standout Courtney Alexander, Rodney is a JuCo transfer from Redlands Community College in Oklahoma. He averaged about 13 and 5 this past season, but at 6'7", he possesses excellent size and athleticism. Not much is known about him to the Illini faithful, except that he was recruited by Oklahoma, Indiana, Tennessee and Kansas State. They're all losers. A fun fact about Redlands Community College, they actually teach a course there called Crop Art. The class explains various styles of crop art, including Alien Circles, and then the students are called upon to create their own designs. Rodney won first place for his submission of The Accolade, and then the entire class went out to a nearby cornfield to bring Rodney's creation to life.

Now imagine this in crop-form

So it looks like the Illini should have a pretty excellent class coming in, and at least three of the players should be able to be impact players. Some of them may even have some superhuman powers as well. I look forward to excellent years to come.

Early surprises

2007-04-17T08:47:00.000-05:00

Obviously, it's still early in the baseball season. I will continue to say it's early in the baseball season at least until May, and possibly until June. Although the phrase "relatively early" could be used a lot in May regardless. But I digress. So far I've been caught off guard by a couple of things early this Cubs season, so I thought I'd share them.

First, where the hell did Jason Marquis come from? He's supposed to be a terrible pitcher, and yet he's been surprisingly consistent. His numbers aren't terrible, he hasn't had to leave a game in the 3rd inning (knock on wood) because he's given up 8 runs, and he isn't losing us games. In fact, he's kept us in every single game, which is sadly more than you can say for Carlos Zambrano.

And it's not just Marquis. I will admit that I was only cautiously optimistic coming into this season about Rich Hill. I know he came on strong last year, and I know he was pretty dominant throughout his career in the minors, but I just did not see him returning to form right out of the gates. And not only those two, but Ted Lilly has been lights out as well. Now I know we're only 3 starts into the season for these guys, but still, this sort of consistency and performance wasn't expected this early at all. I didn't know if Lilly or Marquis would put together 3 quality starts in a row throughout the entire season, so for it to happen this early is just a huge bonus.

Second, unsurprisingly, Jacque Jones is the same old player. He may be slightly better in the field what with his arm being repaired or recovered or whatever, but he's the exact same hitter in the plate. He may warm up as the season goes along, but he's not going to get on base enough, and he's not going to hit for a high enough average. And he doesn't take enough pitches to hit in the two hole. He swings at shitty pitches, so a pitcher can get him to 0-2 without a problem. Once you get him there, he's going to swing at just about anything, so he doesn't benefit from batting in front of Derrek Lee. In fact, I don't know where he benefits in the lineup, but it's probably going to be at 5 or 6 only.

Another surprise is Ryan Theriot. After starting out the season slowly, he has come on incredibly strong. And he is showing that he deserves at-bats. He was another player I was only cautiously optimistic of because of his inexperience. But daaaaamn.

I can't get over the fact that Theriot is playing BECAUSE he deserves at-bats. That never would have happened under Oldy McNoyoungguys. A player can actually earn his way into the lineup rather than just have it handed to him because he's older, and de facto better. This is just boggling my mind.

Anyways, now to the bad news. With Soriano down, we're going to likely see more of Jacque Jones in the outfield instead of less. And, a question for me is how long Soriano is going to be out. I guess it isn't a big deal necessarily, but if he's going to end up on the DL for 15 days, which it doesn't sound like will happen, we should get Pie up here ASAP so we have a solid-fielding center fielder. Ideally, you'd rather have Soriano go down when Pie wouldn't have to lead off, and maybe with Theriot hitting so well, Pie wouldn't have to, but I'd still like to see Pie up if Soriano is out for an extended length of time.

And we're all under the assumption that Jones is gone as soon as Pie comes up, right? I guess, as a counter-argument to my previous point, it doesn't make sense to move Pie up and down a lot, so we should only bring him up if we're going to leave him up. I digress. What we should be doing is trying to facilitate Pie's time with the ballclub by trying to get rid of Jacque Jones. We don't even need someone of equal value. Hell, we have new scouts, maybe we can find a gem in someone's system. Anyways, Jones needs to be gone.

I could also see us trading a left-handed reliever. Neal Cotts has been lights out thus far, and having 3 lefties in the bullpen doesn't make a lot of sense. Maybe we could package Jacque Jones and Scott Eyre for, say, Johan Santana. Hell, we'd even throw in Wade Miller. That's fair, right?

I am hoping that after last night's performance, Lou will realize that having Jacque Jones in the 2-hole just isn't working. And it doesn't work having him in the 3-hole even more. He needs to hit down in the lineup where he can do damage with runners on, and yet not be a rally killer. Floyd can rotate with Murton in left, but Murton needs to get his at-bats.

Also, I am not averse to trading Cesar Izturis in any sort of package. I think Ronnie Cedeno can handle short, as he's much better equipped this season. Hopefully. If not, we can lose a little range and glove-work and put DeRosa or Theriot at short. Hell, let's bring up Luis Montanez and put him at short (even though he's an outfielder now, and he may suck again, I'm not sure).

Anyways, there's some good, some bad, but as it warms up, things should only get better. Especially if Jacque Jones is gone.

It's been awhile (not like that shitty song)

2007-04-13T15:29:00.000-05:00

So I realize it's been a while since I've made this list. First, I'd like to say it's not my fault. First, the end of the day snuck up on me two weeks ago. And I really wanted to make a list, but I felt it would be inappropriate to work overtime because of that. Last week, it totally wasn't my fault. I got stuck at the other building for about 90 minutes longer than I thought I would, and I ended up working 45 minutes overtime as it was.

So, without further ado, here's who's on notice this week (this may look different to many of you):

Technology
Work
Technology
Weather
Employers
Best Buy
Hangovers
Penny Dreadful

Notice anything different about that list? Just imagine me holding up the board and pointing in your face. Me or Colbert, either works, and we're both angry.

So, who's up this week:

Technology. You bitch. Here I am, just trying to do my business, and I can't fucking generate an On Notice board. You know what website? You suck. Sure you've given me and thousands of others hours of entertainment. But quit sucking you bitch.

Work. Man, work is really cramping my style. I worked a fucking 3 day work week and I'm still hella burnt out. Yes, I said hella. Last week work even kept me from putting people on notice. And I NEED to put people on notice. It's one of the three or four things I live for. Drinking constitutes at least 2 other things I live for.

Technology again. Fuck you. Oh, we reach cruising altitude and my iPod fucks up? Hooray indeed. I didn't really WANT to use my iPod. It's not like I made a separate journey JUST to get my iPod. I really wanted to wait in security AGAIN. I love being around a lot of people. If I could live in a cattle pen with about 9000 other people, I would be in heaven. Fuck you technology.

Weather. What the fuck is up with this bullshit?? Last week it's 80 fucking degrees on Wednesday. Then on Thursday it's 40. Then we head to Las Vegas and it's a beautiful 85. Then we come home AND IT FUCKING SNOWS. And it's still fucking cold. You know what weather? It's April. Cut this shit out before you're dead to me. You and technology are on a thin leash.

Employers. I've been looking for a job seriously since October. You know how many job offers I've gotten since then? ZERO. Why doesn't anyone want to employ me? Because they're all a bunch of bastards. And maybe they have a link to my blog. And, my current employer sucks too. Because they actually make me work, and they don't pay me enough. And I don't get paid for work I don't do, like on weekends and stuff when I don't work. I should get paid for that shit.

Best Buy. Hey, I needed a new computer 2 weeks ago. Oh, you don't have any Macbooks in stock? Terrific, I'll take my business elsewhere, assholes. Hey, my warranty is about to be used on my BROKEN iPod. Oh, what's that, a cracked screen is only covered about HALF the time? Even though I've got the warranty on it? And I DIDN'T DROP IT!!!!! Terrific. Maybe I'll go buy a broken TV from you next. Or I could just pay you the $2000 and cut out the whole "goods and services" thing.

Hangovers. I seriously had at least a 48 hour hangover from Las Vegas. Not only that, but I could have easily puked just about anytime within that 48 hours with very little effort. I did not, but I could have. Of course, I could never stay mad at hangovers, because then I'd have to stop drinking in excess. Ha, like that'll ever happen.

Off this week:

Everything college basketball related. The season is over, and now I'm only interested in recruiting and returning players' progress. The rest of you suck.

My sister. She wants to be talked about more. By talking about her more, I'm only giving into her demands, and she'll never learn that way. Learn what? I'm not sure. But it won't happen regardless. Also, I'm a great person, and as such, I feel like I will give her the pleasure of not being on notice any more. I await my nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize.

So that's the week. Hopefully I'll gain more inspiration in the future so I can start updating this more, but lately I've just lost the energy. Hopefully I'll regain it soon enough.

Here we go again

2007-04-13T13:44:00.000-05:00

Remember how the Cubs started off last year? It was hot. They tore up the month of April. Then they sucked shit for the rest of the season. I mean, individually they still hit pretty well, but guys must have been clogging up the bases or something according to Ol' Cloggy Bases, because the offense was stagnant.

That makes me concerned about the way this team has started out. On one hand, I really love the way that Lou Piniella runs the team, aside from hitting Jacque Jones in the 2-hole. Through the lineup we're pretty solid, and if our worst hitter hits something like .270 (aside from the .230 we're likely to get from Neifi 2 with a glove), this team could really win some big games.

But then Piniella is kind of making excuses for the team's poor performance. I really don't think it's something he should be doing either, since the season isn't even 2 weeks old yet. But he said that the Cubs aren't built for 40 degree weather. What about 30 degrees? Does he realize Chicago is cold in September/October too? I hope so. I would rather have him say something along the lines of "We're just not hitting, and our bats haven't really warmed up yet."

Then he let go this gem. "We're not really built for small-ball." This is just wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. We've got speed throughout this lineup, and while we're not gonna have 5 guys stealing 60 bases, we do have speed. But we easily have enough speed to get a lot of guys in motion with hit and run's and whatnot. And various guys can get bunts down. This team can play small-ball, but it's built for power hitting. You want fewer power hitters? Make guys make adjustments, shorten their swings on cold days when the wind is blowing in. Seems simple enough. Of course, then Adam Everett could go yard on you, but whatever.

I have also heard complaints that this team is too right-handed. Right-handed, shmright-handed. We have enough good hitters that it shouldn't matter what kind of pitchers we face. And if that's not true, then what the hell did we sign all these people for?

Anyways, aside from all that business, guess who got some more bad news. I don't understand Mark Prior. I would love for nothing more than to see him succeed in a Cubs uniform. Chicago Cubs, but also Iowa Cubs first. If I were Mark Prior, I would want as much time for a full recovery as possible. This hurrying back from injury (aside from inability to diagnose the problem) is obviously not working. If he's got a tear, fix it. Then let it recover. If it's unfixable, then let it go. It's not like he's forgotten how to pitch. His arm and his mind probably just don't match up.

Anyways, it's same old same old in Cub country. I think the lack of performing, while a problem, is not a horrible problem. Look at how even the NL Central has been so far. And with Carpenter going down for the Cards so early, they could be in a lot of trouble.

Whatever the case, it's a long fucking season, so it's way too early to get our collective panties in a bunch. Let's just all chill out about not winning every game this season, and just win out from here on out.

My life should be more like Vegas

2007-04-11T13:37:00.000-05:00

For those of you not aware, which was probably no one, this weekend was the first trip that I'd ever taken to Vegas, though I'd been wanting to go since I turned 21. Well, since returning, I want nothing more than to go back to Vegas. Of course, since trips are not quite cheap, I obviously can't afford to go. And I also can't afford to miss more work. So here is my plan to make my life more like being in Las Vegas.

Gogo dancers in my apartment. They really just brighten up the place. And, I mean, I know they have those at tons of places and not just in Las Vegas, but whatever. And I think I would put them in cages. Just chicks too. No dudes. I don't need dudes around when I'm trying to enjoy my gogo dancers. I think I would probably let the chicks out of their cages if they needed to go to the bathroom, but that's it. I don't want them to steal my stuff while I'm at work. Also, there are strict rules for the dancers. No sitting down while I'm in the room, I'm not paying you anything, you can't drink, there is a shift change once a night, and new dancers must come in every week or so, unless there is one I'm particularly fond of. And I refuse to do the interviewing of the new dancers. I don't have time for that. I'm thinking like 2 cages in my place, one on either side of the tv, and then one dancer per cage. That's reasonable enough. No need for trapeze shows though.

Multiple gambling tables in my apartment. Also, there would be a dealer for each table. And to make sure things are fair, they're going to rotate every hour unless I'm on a roll. I get to keep winnings of the house, since it's my apartment, and I also get to keep my own winnings. But my winnings when I'm playing aren't actually my money. It's actual profit, which comes from, say, selling things on the black market. I'm thinking maybe I'll let some losers in my apartment while I'm at work, then when I get home I'll kick them all out. No, I'll have a bouncer kick them out before I get home. I'll hire a dealer to double as a bouncer, and he may get paid, but none of the other dealers will. I will however tip them, as I am a very generous player.

Cocktail waittresses wandering around my apartment. Again, I'm not paying them, except for tips from my winnings. At least one of them has to be a short, hot Asian woman with large boobs like the one we had at New York New York for most of Sunday afternoon. I was a big fan of hers, especially as I got drunker.

It should be approximately 80 degrees and sunny for long stretches of time. This is required so I can be able to go to the pool. Which is in the sun. And is decorated with many hot chicks around.

I am allow to get as drunk and loud as I want. All the time. I am pretty sure the dealers will think I'm charming and clever as I say "You're breaking my balls" louder and louder everytime I don't get a blackjack or they flip a face card. In fact, the louder I get, the more charming and clever it is.

I think that's about all I can think of. Really, it's quite simple to do. Just start an underground gambling ring, I'll be the boss of it. Then it's going to get bigger as more people want to come and I'm going to turn into some crazy mob boss, and then I'm going to get really skeptical of all people I meet. Then I'll get really paranoid until I fall into an endless pit of insanity as my once-great gambling empire crumples without me around. There will also be something about prohibition in there too. Somehow my Vegas seems to have combined with The Untouchables and just about every other mob movie ever. Sounds about right.

Vegas bitches

2007-04-11T07:53:00.000-05:00

Today is my first day back to work after returning home from Vegas. I don't really think much of a premise is needed for this weekend recap; just be sure that I'm not remembering huge chunks of it, and it was all fucking amazing.

So Thursday night I went to bed sometime after 1. I was pretty exhausted and we had to get up at 6, but couldn't sleep. I finally did sleep, then woke up around 5. And there was no more sleep after that. I drove us to the airport, we got through security, I pull out my iPod. Uhoh, I must have left it in my car. We had about 45 minutes to board, so I hustled back to my car, nearly got EXTREMELY lost trying to find my way to my car, but I got the iPod, waited in security AGAIN, then made it back to the gate with about 10 minutes to spare. We get high enough that we can use our electronics, so I pull out my iPod, and it's broken. Sweet. Glad I wasted that trip. Also, The Holiday was on, and that made me hate myself. So I was 0 for 2 at that point. Great, it's going to be an awesome trip. I think I slept for about half an hour on the plane, then woke up for descent. We get to Vegas, meet up with everyone else, then get to the hotel (after checking in at the airport). We check our bags, then go eat because we're starving. Almost all of us order our first round of drinks for the trip, except of course Steve (he got water) who was 4 beers in already. One or two drinks later (it was two for me) and a lunch later, we hit the gambling floor. I saw about $40 disappear quickly and decided I was done with slots for the weekend. Then we went and finally got into our hotel room. Everyone in my room slept, and I went down to gamble with everyone else. We went to the Monte Carlo and played some blackjack. Except when I say 'played' I really mean threw our money into the shitter. I cut myself off after losing $45; let's just say the others didn't make the same decision. We eventually headed back to the hotel (after getting a quick dinner and buying alcohol) and started to get ready. Well, except, our toilet broke. It wouldn't flush unless you took the back off of the toilet, and lifted the thing manually. I was told to fix it, but I could not. Luckily, like 20 minutes later, some dude came to fix it and we were cool. Then all of us got ready, and I continued to drink heavily. I was on a mission. So 10:30 or 11 rolls around, I'm not sure which, and we head down to Studio 54. There's no line, which we love, and we walk right in (after the overpriced cover). I buy an $8 beer, and everyone else is like, hey, we're going to go back upstairs to drink. I then finish my beer, and then Steve and I go up to drink more as well. And as we're walking upstairs, the alcohol begins to hit me. I'm wasted! Awesome. So we have like 2 more drinks (they were like 6 ounce cups) and then head back down. I buy one more $8 beer and I think that was it for the night. There was dancing, go-go dancers, some sort of trapeze show or something, and then a large gap. I think we left around 1:15 and went up to pass out.

Saturday I woke up to a text message around 8:15 or 8:30. It says get ready, we're going to the pool. So I get ready, and everyone but Chris and Bootz gets up and we go to the pool at about 9. I think the bar opened up around 9:30 or so, or maybe 10, who really knows, and we all got drinks. There was some lazy river time, some hot tub time, but mostly just sun time. And there was 'I'm getting wasted time' for me. And it occurred after about two beers. I think I had at least 6 or 7 beers while we were at the pool, and we finally left around, uh, let's call it 3. Streets and I head back to the room to change and then meet up with everyone, uh, somewhere. Then, uh, some stuff happened I think, although I can't be sure. Then we went to eat dinner at a Mexican place (I forgot about this until yesterday morning). It was really good, but I couldn't eat a lot. I was full on chips, salsa, and loads of alcohol. There was no gambling for Streets and I on Saturday though. So we leave whereever we were (I remember a spiral elevator and lots of stores) and then we head back to the hotel to get ready for the evening. On the way back we saw two fountain shows, which were awesome. So we get ready (there's much drinking while doing so) and head to Tabu. We go there because at the pool we got tickets for getting in free (for the ladies) and dudes pay half. Well, guess who is the only one without a ticket. This guy. And we later discovered it wasn't my fault. But anyways, we go in and sit. At one point, we get kicked out of our table because someone has bought it. Ok, we move over. A little later, we're kicked out of that table too. The night ends like this:

SCENE MISSING.

Actually, I guess everyone left except me, Streets and Steve. Or, at least if everyone left, we hit the casino floor. Steve played a couple slots or something. I seriously have no idea whatsoever.

I do remember waking up on Sunday. I woke up still kind of drunk. Checkout was 11, and it was about 9:30 or so, so I was trying to finish up what was left of the captain, and I almost did it. Then our room went down, checked our stuff and hit up a little more gambling. Streets and I were up in blackjack when everyone was down, so we went and ate brunch. What a glorious brunch it was. And mimosas were included. From there we went to the Excalibur and gambled a little more, because tables were cheaper there. Things were not so lucky there. I lost about $140, then pulled another $100 out of the ATM. Bad idea, yes. The girls went to do something, Chris and Bootz went to the airport, and the three of us dudes went to New York New York for more gambling. Now, I should be pointing out that throughout the gambling there is a steady flow of drinks in front of me. New York New York was awesome. There was big money to be had, and the dealers were almost all awesome. And I think everyone at the table was pretty friendly. Except I was probably the loud obnoxious drunk guy at the table. I think twice Streets was out of chips, and someone paid for her to play, and she won. Anyways, long story short, we cashed out around 9:30 pm. We probably got there at like 4. I stood up, realized how incredibly drunk I was (and we didn't eat dinner) and then I thought I was going to be sick. So we walk back to our hotel (slowly in my case), get our bags, and head to the airport. I guess the cab driver reeked, but sitting in the back, I sure couldn't smell him. Anyways, we got to the airport, checked in, got through security. I was feeling better, so Streets, Steve and I went to get something to eat. The plane ride was miserable, but I slept for probably 2.5 of the 3.5 hours of it. Get home, I have to drive us home, then we go to sleep before the Cubs game on Monday.

Well, I had trouble sleeping, feeling like I would puke if I laid down. So I slept sitting up for about an hour, then slept laying down for about another hour. Around 11 we headed to Wrigley. There's not much to say about it. It was freezing, there were some loud little kids like 2 rows behind us (and one of their hot moms was getting drunk), and Streets got crazy drunk (Chris also got drunk, but I don't think he was crazy drunk. Maybe a little). So after the game, there's sitting around, Streets leaves, I start feeling super hungover. AGAIN. Finally I went to sleep around 11:30 and don't sleep too well.

The weekend kind of ended there. The drive home was miserable yesterday, I slept for 2 more hours at home, and I am not sure my iPod will get repaired even though it's still under warranty. Even still, it was an amazing weekend, and regardless of how little I actually remember of it, it was still totally awesome. Now I need REST.

Preparing for Opening Day

2007-03-30T07:18:00.000-05:00

It's almost here. I can't believe it. I'm giddy. Giddy like a school girl that is. Opening day for the Cubs is Monday. It seems like March has gone so fast, and suddenly there are meaningful (more than spring training at least) games to be played. So, with all that in mind, I thought I'd report on some stuff about the Cubs, because, hey, there's stuff, and I really don't want to do any work.

First up, Monday is the deadline for the Cubs to get a deal done with Carlos Zambrano. Of course, Zambrano imposed his own deadline on negotiations. The Cubs are not dumb enough to let Big Z walk, especially after shelling on $60 million on Marquis and Lilly. Those two, while hopefully serviceable, together do not make up one Carlos Zambrano. To lose him would be devastating.

But, regardless of my opinion on the situation, basically everything I've heard is that the Cubs are going to get a deal done. That's coming from outside sources or whatever, but basically everyone, aside from Mets fans, is in agreement that a deal will be reached and Carlos will have a deal in place Monday. And that's a relief.

Next up, the Cubs have set their 25-man roster. Notables on the team include 12 pitchers and neither Mark Prior nor Kerry Wood. Also notable, both Ronny Cedeno and Ryan Theriot have made the roster. I was a big fan of Ronny Cedeno back when he was in AA, and even in his first extended action in 2005, but last season was a disappointment. I am, however, glad to see that he's back doing well in a Cubs uniform. And, if nothing else, he's improving his trade value. He's still an extremely young dude, and he still has the ability to improve. And he's shown that he can this spring, both offensively and defensively. He may never have the glove that Alex Gonzalez had, but he can definitely be a much more reliable hitter.

Also, as far as Theriot is concerned, he has been absolutely tearing shit up this spring. It seems like he really may be as good as he looked last year. It's a new thing for the Cubs to have position players come from their system who actually appear to be able to perform at a major league level (for the Cubs). I would like to see Theriot get a shot in the outfield, so he can be a defensive replacement or just a replacement in general for Jacque Jones. However, we know that DeRosa can play right, so it's not as imperative that Theriot can play outfield. I would just like to get his bat into the lineup as much as possible.

With regards to Felix Pie, unfortunately he will not begin the season with the Cubs. When I say unfortunately, I mean unfortunately we're stuck with Jacque Jones in our outfield. This is actually great for Pie because it allows him more time to work on his hitting. We've seen in the spring that he can hit. We already know that he can throw and field and run. Because we don't have to thrust Pie into the lineup right now, he can continue to mature, and he can get out and play everyday, facing live pitching, as opposed to, say, taking bp and then sitting on the bench for 7 innings. In addition to that, Piniella has told Pie what he needs to do to get ready for the big league level. Go back to AAA, hit .315, .330, learn better command of the strike zone, take some walks. So Pie still has motivation to do well, and hopefully he feels like he has something to prove, rather than just waiting to be called up to showcase his skills. I really think this is a great move. If only we had tried it with Corey.

Mark Prior supposedly was not questioning being sent down to AAA to begin the season this year. I didn't read any articles about his press conference or anything, but a lot of excerpts made it sound like Prior wasn't too happy about being sent down, but he was going to do it. Which is good, because he doesn't have a choice. So Prior was sounding like kind of a bitch.

Listen. I am a huge Mark Prior supporter. He just has to realize that he's not performing the way he has in the past. Would he rather be getting lit up at the major league level while throwing towels every day? Or would he rather be in AAA where he can get some useful tutelage? I wouldn't say this is the Cubs writing off Prior, and I wouldn't say that this should even be considered a demotion. I would look at it as a chance for Prior to regain confidence, rebuild his strength, and get back to the level he was at back in 2004 (or whatever year he almost won the Cy Young). If Prior were to return to that level, there is no doubt he would return to his place as a cornerstone of the organization. It seems like this is the best situation for everyone, and I just wish Prior would understand that.

Another surprising name on the roster is Angel Guzman. Remember back in 2001 when Guzman was, like, a year away from being on the roster? Well, 6 years later, he's finally made it on opening day. He's older now, and he's, what, 8 surgeries (that's supposed to be an exaggeration, but I'm not sure how much of one it is) more mature. His ERA wasn't that great this spring, but he had a great K/BB ration. And I think, should anyone in the rotation faulter (I'm looking at you Jason Marquis), Guzman can come in and long-relieve us some great innings. Like how I just made 'long-relieve' a word? The problem is, now the Cubs are in a situation where there could feasibly be too much depth, which is a good problem to have. But you've got Miller as your 5th starter, even though he'll be way better than your fourth, you've got Guzman who should be a starter (remember when Carlos started out? I hope Guzman can follow in Big Z's footsteps on how to become an effective pitcher), you've got Prior, who in a recent start supposedly had much better command and was hitting 93 on the radar gun. Then you've also got Sean Marshall, who I assume could fill in a role should he need it, and you've got Rocky Cherry who could be useful in the bullpen. Suddenly depth, especially in our rotation, is not as much of a concern, which is actually a great thing. I still worry about Cotts though. If he's not going to be a setup-man, couldn't we have just kept Aardsma?

Aside from the fact that we're probably taking one too many pitchers on the roster, I'm really excited about the job Lou Piniella's doing. He's saying things like the Cubs will "practice," whatever that means, and that he'll "teach" the young guys things. Remember Old Nopractice McNoteach? It's so nice to hear that your coach actually understands what is necessary for people to continue improving.

It's also nice to hear Piniella give shit to the media. He's going to coach this team, and he's going to be unapologetic. It sounds like he's not going to make excuses for losses, and hopefully he won't ever say anything along the lines of 'well, you really have to hand it to the other team.' I really think this can be a great year for the Cubs, and I don't think it's delusional at all to say that the Cubs will win their first World Series (of 3 consecutive) this year.*

*It sure is delusional, but it should be a great year nonetheless

Bears stuff

2007-03-27T09:39:00.000-05:00

I'm actually starting to get kind of intrigued as to how the Bears are pursuing the whole Lance Briggs thing. I mean, on one hand, you've got the Bears who have Lance Briggs and his bastardized agent by the balls, and on the other hand you've got Lance Briggs acting like a complete bitch.

In an attempt to play fairly with Briggs, Jerry Angelo met with him alone, and I can only assume it was over a romantic candle-lit dinner. Following the formalities and small-talk, Angelo went into business mode. He said he would remove the franchise tag from Briggs next season, as long as Briggs played this entire season. The deal, by the way, is more than fair, since the Bears have every right to put the franchise tag on Briggs AGAIN next year.

So here's the deal. Angelo, like he did with Thomas Jones last year, is trying to make a deal with Briggs to get him to shut his fat fucking mouth, stop his bitching, and next year they'll let him go. Which is something Angelo doesn't need to do. I'm serious, I would love it if the Bears fucked over Briggs again next year.

But now Briggs and his shit-agent are saying that Briggs will play for the Bears in six games next year, and he'll sit out ten, and that constitutes a season under league rules. That means that Briggs will get his money or something. But it doesn't require the Bears to play Miss Bitchpants at all. And, I believe the Bears could choose to suspend/not dress/whatever Briggs's ass if they wanted to for those 6 games. He still gets the money, but he doesn't get to dress or play.

Ultimately what the Bears could do is lower the value of Briggs. By not playing him for one (or even two) years, what team is going to be willing to pay $10 million per season to a dude who hasn't played in two years, and is two years older?

If Briggs would quit his fucking bitching, the Bears would gladly trade him next year, or even possibly let him walk away. But Briggs, while backing down, continues to be a piece of shit about the situation. BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING HE CAN DO. He can't force the Bears to do anything. He's fucking himself over.

But, rather than deal with this bullshit anymore, the Bears are considering trading him for a top 10 draft pick this year, and possibly a draft pick next year too. The Redskins have been named, and they have the number 6 pick. I would hope that with that pick the Bears could pick a linebacker, but I just haven't paid enough attention to the draft so far to know who would be available.

And just a word of advice to Briggs: It didn't work out too well for T.O. when he complained enough to get traded, and then bitched his new team out, and then got traded again, and now nobody really wants him. Skill only gets you so far, and if you want to be a bitch, then by all means, go for it, but don't expect to keep paying your bills that way.

Anyways, in other news, I read two different reports yesterday about Ian Scott. One said that the Bears were close to re-signing him, the other said that the Falcons were close to signing him. I didn't really know which to believe, but today I read that the Falcons have backed off on him, and I believe we're the only ones in pursuit. This is awesome because I believe that Ian Scott makes the other two tackles better. Add to that we don't know how Tommie Harris is going to come back as far as strength is concerned, and we're not sure what's going to happen to Tank in lockdown.

I think that's about all I've got for now. Hopefully we can just get Briggs out of town and get something back for him, because he's not worth the headache. And then hopefully he'll suck whereever he goes, and then we can all laugh and laugh about it. We'll also get a really awesome pick (or two), and the player (or players) will morph into a better version of Lance Briggs. Like maybe Lance Briggs minus the bitching.

My life is a joke

2007-03-23T14:03:00.001-05:00

My life is a joke that I think I'm in on, but I'm not entirely sure after the past week's occurrences.

Anyways, I am still in the job market. I got a call about a job this week, and it seemed ideal, so there had to be a catch, right? Well, of course there was. I technically didn't have any of the experience that they were looking for. I mean, I have experience, but not in the main thing I would be doing. So I don't expect to hear anything back from that. Terrific.

Anyways, when I was drunk last night I started thinking about things I could do. I could be some sort of critic who gets paid to shit on a lot of things that people like. Like Grey's Anatomy. Man would I tear that show apart. Or perhaps I could be a consultant for Best Week Ever. Of course, I would probably have to not be too ugly to appear on television, I would probably need some sort of stand-up comedy background, and I would probably have to wait until the people who actually do the blogging at BestWeekEver.tv also appear on the show. But, whatever. I'll do that.

So I would like to announce my candidacy for any awesome job openings involving being a critic, or just commentaries on pop culture in general. And if I get to swear, that's even better. Anyways, let's get to the list for this week.

New this week:

Technology. Holy shit computer. What is your problem. So I'm working on my recap for the Real World on Wednesday night and I hear this clicking noise. In fact, this is a clicking noise I heard last week, except this time there was a 'whirr' added into the mix. Terrific. My computer shut down and I thought I'd lost all my shit, but luckily Firefox had my back. Three more times before the end of the night, and twice within an hour, my computer restarted itself. So I spent Thursday looking at deals for Macbooks. However, it was suggested that I perform an error check on the hard drive and maybe it could repair the problems. I did so, and there were 7 ERRORS that had been repaired. Seriously, what the fuck is up technology?

Work. Holy shit work. My working conditions are still terrible. It's been humid in the lousy place all week. Or I'll come in and it will be a perfect 68, and then by 12 it's 74. And it only gets hotter. Work is such a pain in my ass. I don't even know why I do it anymore. Well, to be honest, I don't do it very much anymore, I'm just here a lot.

Referees. I'm not sure if you know the job of a referee, but it's basically to enforce all of the rules their certain governing body has put into effect. Apparently the referees in the basketball games last night did not receive the memo. Let's see, SIU lost by three points, and the referees blew a shot-clock violation that was painfully obvious, and they also blew a goaltending call. That is a 4 point swing against SIU. I wonder if those four points (or even two points) would have made a difference in the outcome of the game. No, probably not. Jackasses. But at the end of the other early game, they took forever to make a ruling in how much time rolled off the clock in the inbounding play. They rules 1.1 seconds. Wait, what? 1.1? After the ball was touched, and the whistle was blown IMMEDIATELY after? We saw that the ball didn't touch out of bounds when you said it did. But that doesn't mean you can retroactively correct that call. The clock stops when you blow the whistle, and it was blown immediately. Way to fuck up THE ONLY THING YOU DO. Also, how do you call a foul with 3.1 seconds left anyways? And such a wiener foul at that? Way to impact the ENTIRE END OF THE GAME. You blow refs.

Kansas. Rock Chalk, You Sock. Except in place of sock, put 'are fucking pieces of shit.' We all know that you should have lost that game last night. People are praising Bill Self for such a wonderful job of coaching he did, when he didn't do shit. He nearly (and should have) lost to a team that they should have supposedly beaten easier, and he didn't call any plays, his players took the game over. Bah, fuck him. And fuck Kansas. Come on UCLA.

Seth Davis. At the end of the Texas A&M game, you tore into the referees for fucking up that call, which we all saw. And I was like, man, good work dude. Let them have it. Don't pussy-foot around it. And then we come back at halftime of the next games and you're saying the refs did a good job and you were wrong? Bullshit. BUUUUULLLLLLSHIT. You can't say the refs did a good job of retroactively correcting their own blown call. Because they can't do that. And it wasn't a good job. You're an idiot.

People. Like I need a reason for hating people. The harder thing would be coming up for reasons why NOT to hate people. And I can't do it. So there you go.

Off this week:

Gonzaga, Davidson, Old Dominion. You know what you get for sucking? Not a second thought. Well, kind of a second thought, since I put you on notice in the first place, but after that, not a second though. So, not a second second thought. But I still give you all a BAAAAAAH.

Taxes. I'm not really sure why I took you off the list. Probably because I hate you so much that thinking about you puts me into a murderous rage. So good job with that. I hope you get a boomerang.

Weather. While you should probably be on this list because you're still kind of retarded, since Sunday you've been fine. And fine is fine with me. Just don't get too hot too fast or I will stab you. And if anyone sees me running around stabbing at the air, you'll know what I'm doing.

That's all I've got for this week. In 2 weeks from now I'll be in Vegas, or Wetas as it's occasionally known, and that day cannot come soon enough.

Current Events Roundup

2007-03-23T08:05:00.000-05:00

Every morning when I get to work I try to read cnn.com. I enjoy knowing what's going on in the world, and I'm too lazy to actually read a newspaper. Mostly I just read through the headlines on the page, unless I see something about how five dogs robbed a bank and then got away. But I thought today, and possibly many times in the future, I'd just give everybody a little overview of what's going on in the world.

Edwards' wife battling cancer again. Is that the proper way to punctuate the possessive Edwards? I don't think so. But, then again, I don't have a grammar book right here. If only there was a world of information right at my fingertips. Hmm. Well, anyways, hey! Someone who's running for president 18 MONTHS FROM NOW is married, and his wife has cancer. If that's not free press, I don't know what is. Listen, I'm all for battling cancer and everything, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, except possibly the people who made Penny Dreadful. But all of this just seems like Edwards is exploiting the fact that his wife (whom I'd never heard of before this) has cancer so he can look like a supportive family man who is going through what all of us go through. Remember the John Edwards who announced his candidacy on the Daily Show? Where is that guy? Also, did America really need a press conference to find out that the cancer is treatable but not curable? Should I call a press conference after I complete my yearly physicals? No, and no.

Report: New Orleans levee planners ignored danger signs. Wow, really? Why, I had no idea. I'm so glad that this report was done. Because without it, America would have no idea. People really messed up and were completely unprepared for a hurricane of that size? I never would have guessed. Because I'm incapable of, you know, thought processes. You know what a report should be done on next? Video iPods. I wonder if they're a good invention. You know who should get credit for this report? 60 Minutes. Because I watched 60 Minutes 18 months ago and saw this report. Why is America so retarded?

Angelina Jolie's son's sad early life. You mean conditions AREN'T ideal in Vietnam? That is news to me. Here I was thinking that all of Vietnam was just like Hollywood. Big houses, expensive cars, overpriced, plentiful food. I'm glad that someone managed to report to me that Vietnam is not PERFECTLY ideal, although I'm sure it's still pretty close. I was thinking of vacationing there, so maybe I'll go to Chechnya instead. I hear it's beautiful and cheap. And no one knows of it!

Harvard group promotes abstinence on campus. I've not been to Harvard. I don't personally know anyone who's been to Harvard. I've not even actually seen the campus of Harvard. However, I assume that this is not going to go over to well, since Harvard is, in fact, a COLLEGE. And why is this a story? I assume there are groups all over colleges promoting abstinence. Did no one promote abstinence at Harvard until now? With all those people who are richer/smarter than me who go there, no one thought, "Hey, you know what's a great idea? Abstinence. Let's force our opinions on other people!" until now? I kind of find that hard to believe. The real story would have been if a group was promoting orgies or something. Would a group promoting the opposite of abstinence, whatever that is, get the same press? Or would that be offensive? I give this a Baaaaaaaaah.

Dina Lohan: I'm not a club-hopping 'party mom'. The entertainment headlines are such low fruit. It's like shooting fish in a barrel, but easier. Just because Dina Lohan may go club-hopping 5 nights a week, and just because she likes to party, that doesn't make her a club-hopping party mom. It makes her a responsible parents with who is still responsible for a minor (Little Lohan isn't 18 yet, is she?).

That's about all I've got for now. Check back this afternoon when I put everyone in the world on notice. Ok, that's not going to happen. Or is it? Would I really give it away. I bet the tension is mounting in your world now.

Two weeks and counting

2007-03-20T09:12:00.000-05:00

I probably should have written this yesterday, but what are you going to do. I didn't have the inspiration (that is to say, I had no inspiration) that I have today (which is very little). What I do have, however, is plenty of boredom. So with Opening Day now under 2 weeks away, why not give an update as to what's going on with the Cubs.

First up: Zambrano, still without a contract extension. He said he wanted one done before Opening Day, or he would wait until after the season. He may still be willing to give the Cubs a hometown discount should they not get an extension done before the beginning of the season, but why take the chance? Just give him the extension (it will probably be cheaper now than later) and get it over with.

The Cubs are also interested in acquiring Clint Barmes from the Rockies. There's a great idea. I'd heard rumors that the Cubs were looking for another middle infielder, although I'm not really sure why. I mean, I would hope it would be to replace the offensive black hole that is Neifi Perez #2. But I can't confirm that that is why. I actually think it would be a mistake to bring in a middle infielder with poor range to replace/spell Cesar Izturis. The one thing that Izturis does is field the ball. As terrible at hitting as he is, I currently am semi-comfortable with him playing.

Here is what Barmes did last year: .220 BA, .264 OBP. Youch. We like his game? I mean, he's 28, so he could still improve, and he did well the season before, but .220? That's painful. Here's Izturis: .245 BA, .295 OBP. The sad thing about that is it looks good compared to Barmes. Maybe Barmes can make a turnaround. But he's not having a stellar spring, so I don't really know why the Cubs like his game. They hate offense and guys who get on base?

Other rumors I've heard are that the Cubs have a reasonable chance to trade Jacque Jones. I personally think this would be pretty great. We all know that Jones has suspect defense, and we all know about his slow start last year. If we trade Jones, possibly for a middle infielder or *gasp* a prospect(! probably wouldn't happen though), we can bring up Pie, who tore it up this spring. Pie gives you very solid defense in center, you can move Soriano over to right and take advantage of his strong arm, and then everybody's happy. Plus, with the firepower this team has at the top of the lineup, you can bat Pie down in the lineup (probably in front of Izturis) where he's under less pressure. Also, just to reiterate, PECOTA lists him as batting in the upper .280's this season.

The final rumor I've heard (I think, at least recently) is that the Cubs may have a trading partner in the Marlins, who are interested in Angel Pagan. I'm not exactly sure what you could get for Pagan, but I don't think it's outlandish to think we could trade Pagan for Dontrelle Willis, straight up. Right? Seriously, we'd probably get a lower-grade prospect, or possibly a backup infielder or something. I don't really know, but it does clear room on the 25-man roster.

Man, I can't wait for this season to start.

At least it's over

2007-03-19T09:23:00.000-05:00

I was so disappointed with the Illinois team this weekend. But, on the positive side, this season is now over. And what a relief that is. So here are my final thoughts on this year's Illini team.

First, I can't believe we didn't win that game Friday night. It's so disappointing. When you lead a team that's struggling to score, it should be pretty simple to take good shots. Of course, if to describe your own offense as stagnant at best, good shots are few and far between.

The game Friday was a microcosm of the entire season. You've seen that game before. Illinois played it against MSU and Michigan on the road early in the Big Ten season, and also at home against Wisconsin. And I think it might have also been similar against the Hoosiers in Indiana.

Build an early lead. Basically shut down the opposing team's offense. Make a few shots. Stop hustling. Don't really move on offense. Wait until there are 10 seconds left on the shot clock, give the ball to Frazier, who can't really create his own shot. Maybe get off a terrible shot, maybe have a shot-clock violation. Do that every time down the floor. Give up big shots. Call time-outs to draw up plays, and then don't execute them. Shoot free throws poorly.

It's so frustrating. How can the Illini not take any shots within the last 5 minutes of a game?? The worst thing about that statement is that it's not much of an exaggeration.

In the tournament, it comes down to execution and making big shots. I loved that the Illini went for the win, rather than go for the tie. Deron Washington just took over the game, and no one really had an answer for him down the stretch. The Illini offense certainly wasn't going to answer back.

In the end, yes there were some botched calls, heinously, miserably botched calls. But you can probably say the same thing in any number of games. And, even if they do call that foul at the end of the game against VT with Illinois only down two, who's going to shoot the free throws? Chester Frazier? We'd still probably be losing after he shot them.

Ultimately, Illinois just didn't execute. I think one of the biggest problems with this team is that with all of the constant injuries, the inability for some of these guys to practice led to problems in crunch time. Or, maybe the last 5 minutes of a game.

Next year, Chester Frazier needs to work on free throws and creating his shot. And getting into the offense sooner. He needs to stop getting across halfcourt, then dribbling for 10 seconds. Randle needs to work on his aggressiveness and decision-making. He still seems pretty much like the player he was last year, and with his athleticism, he should totally be improving. He needs to stay healthy. Pruitt needs to work on free throws and his interior passing. That and passing out of double teams.

I'm hoping that with Demetri McCamey coming next year, he can spell Frazier and/or allow Frazier to change positions. I also hope that it allows Illinois to get into their offense faster. I'd like to see McCamey and Quincy Watkins put up some big scoring numbers as well. I would also like to see Semrau log quality minutes next year, as well as Carlwell. And, let's not forget we have that kid from North Dakota who transferred and can pretty much shoot the lights out.

Next year's team needs to take a big step forward, otherwise it's going to be hard to continually support Bruce Weber's coaching ability (which, let's not forget, is amazing) while not being able to bring in the players to produce. It's difficult to place any predictions on next season because you have no idea what to expect. In this long offseason, hopefully the players can make the necessary changes to their game, and hopefully they have the motivation to do so.

I had another knife fight with a monkey

2007-03-19T08:00:00.000-05:00

Oh man. What a weekend. It's rare when you get the combination of a birthday celebration, and then the following day is also a celebration of a holiday that includes drinking copious amounts of alcohol basically all day. It would kind of be like if my birthday was on December 29th or something. Or, if you're in school or something, it would be like my birthday was 2 days before Halfway to St. Patrick's Day, or something like that. Anyways, why not just get right into it?

On Friday I decided to take off work early. I didn't take lunch, so I left at 1:15. I was ecstatic about leaving early. I left for Chicago right around 2:20, and I was in traffic for a while, especially on Lake Shore Drive. But, it was rush hour, so, that was a big surprise. I believe I got to Chips's place around 6:10 or so. I pretty much walked in and started drinking pretty soon. We watched the Illini, the girls got ready, and then we all went to LBC for dinner. Well, LBC didn't quite have the exact thing I was looking for, but it was basically the same, so I was cool with it. I also wanted to try to not eat too much, as plans for the night included drinking as much as possible and losing parts of my memory. So we were at LBC until just about 10:00. We walk outside of the bar, hail a cab and then I get sort of ambushed with a blindfold.

Now, at this point, I thought we were going to Belly's. But then the girls all tell me that we had to stop somewhere really quickly, and I'm thinking, shit. Great. Anyways, we walk in the door; I'm still blindfolded. The bouncer, in a very gay-sounding voice, says I'm cute, he wants to take a shot with me later, his boyfriend is going to give me a wristband. At this point I'm positive I'm in a gay-strip club, or some sort of gay club or something. Which is actually strange, because, as I mentioned before, we were already at LBC for dinner. Anyways, the girls walk me in, take off the blindfold, and there are all of my friends, some of whom even lied about what they were doing. And, we were not actually at some sort of gay club, we were at Grand Central, where we were for New Year's Eve. I had actually mentioned going here earlier in the week, and the girls said no and that I was dumb for wanting to go there. So this was an awesome surprise. And, since we had wristbands, we had open bar from 10-1. I was like, you know what, I should get very fucked up. So I drank some captain and coke. And I was already like 5 or 6 beers into the night. After 3 more of those or so, I started getting hazy. I remember we were on the dance floor, trying to find someone for me to dance with or something, and I think I was really more interested in drinking. Then I vaguely remember someone giving me my coat, and at one point I also had 3 beers at once (which I don't really remember). So we left, and went looking for a cab, but we of course could not find one. We went walking down Sheffield, which I don't really remember, because of the shitcannedness. Get home, vaguely remember some things, pass out.

I wake up at 7 a.m., sitting up on the couch. I was embarrassed about passing out sitting upright. Not only that, Kim comes home and tries to wake me up so I'll lay down and was unable to. Oh well. I laid down and slept for a while longer. We sat around, watched something on TV for a while, started watching basketball, went and got lunch. At 1:30 we went to the guys' place to watch basketball and drink ALL DAY. After a couple rousing games of Circle of Death and Asshole, I started getting fairly drunk. Actually, really drunk. I remember it was sometime around 6 or 7 when we went out to Barleycorn. We had a lot of people though, so we were all figuring out who would go in what cab. Well, I think the girls went outside and got a cab, and I was dragged out also. However, I think I tied my shoe inside, stood up, hit my head on the edge of the door (which was open) really hard, which THE Balsan saw, and then went outside. I said my eye hurt in the cab, and the girls said shut up. Then I said it again, and they said shut up and asked if it was bleeding I think. I touched my face, looked at my hand. Yes. Yes I am bleeding. Then they felt bad that they were ignoring me and there are various pictures of it. Basically it's just a little cut on my eyebrow. I would post a picture but someone didn't put pictures of the weekend up yet.

Anyways, we get to Barleycorn and it's packed. There were long lines everywhere. St. Patrick's Day is about as bad as New Year's Eve. It's amateur night again. Anyways, about half an hour later we finally got inside. We went upstairs because there would be dancing later. So there's much more drinking, and after the basketball games end, there's much dancing. We were trying to explain to Streets what a boomerang is, but we told her she'd have to do it, but she was too chicken to find out. I'm sure many people have done it, and there may even be many who also would like to. Her loss. Anyways, drinking, dancing, and Streets somehow becomes belligerently drunk. Chips takes her home, but not before she can fall down. Oops. Eventually, more people from our group have gone home. I think there were 5 of us left, and we all decided to leave as well. Now here's where my dilemma comes in. I was starving. We didn't eat dinner, and I'm always hungry at the end of the night when I'm drunk anyways. Buck says he wants to go to the Mexican place by his place, and since his friends and sister were with us (and staying at his place) they all obliged. I, however, was torn. Chips had left her door unlocked for me, and I didn't want to walk all the way to Buck's, then all the way back. Also, due to other occurrences in the night, I wasn't positive it would be a great idea for me to go stay at Buck's place. So I was like, I'll just go to El Burrito instead.

So there I was, around 2 a.m., in El Burrito by myself. I really didn't want to see anyone I knew. I got my phone out, and started calling just about everyone I knew, and all in a cycle, leaving voicemails with everyone. I stop long enough to get my food, then I leave and continue the calling cycle. Finally I get back to Chips's place. I believe the thought process I had was, holy shit, this taco is awesome. I should share this experience with someone, so I called Ltrain. Then I took some pictures of myself enjoying the tacos. Seriously. They were amazing.

This time I remember laying down to pass out, probably around 3. So I'd say there was a little over 12 hours of drinking. I wake up around 7:30, and there's Streets, kind of laying on the other end of the couch. Why is she there? She wasn't there when I passed out. She said she had no idea why she was there either. We went back to sleep until around 10 I think. Streets was still drunk when she woke up then. We went to get lunch around 12, then came back and watched basketball. Then I left to drive home, piece back together parts of my night and any one of the 13 or so (at least) voicemails I'd left the previous night, and reflect on the pure awesomeness of the weekend.

This weekend had it all. I seriously don't think it could have been much better at all. Now under 3 weeks to Vegas. That one is going to be insane.

I thought I had an STD but it just turned out to be March Madness

2007-03-16T12:45:00.000-05:00

This has got to be the best time of the year. There are still a lot of teams playing men's college basketball, and Duke isn't one of them, upsets galore (hopefully at some point through the tournament), and my birthday. And let's not forget a new season of South Park and 300 last week, which was insanely awesome.

Another great thing (*shameless self-promotion alert*) is that I started recapping The Real World on TVgasm. Which, if you were wondering, is still blocked by my firewall. I work for Nazis though, so I guess we shouldn't be surprised. Anyways, the recap is a lot more fun to do than The Surreal Life Fame Games and people actually read it. I was afraid that I was going to be hung out to dry in the comments, but actually people were pretty perceptive to the jokes. Some people even loved it. Although I'm sure their IQ's are in question.

Anyways, I don't have a lot of time this week to try and be funny, so let's just get to the list.

New this week:

Technology. Just when I think everything is working right (aside from my iTunes, whatever that's all about), my computer starts making this clicking noise and goes all blue screen, then restarts itself. Fanfuckingtastic. Not only that, it's still making the clicking noise every once in a while, so I fully expect it to crash any day now. And I definitely cannot afford to replace it. But what are you gonna do? Technology is almost dead to me.

Old Dominion. What's up ODU. Couldn't pull off the upset against Butler? Even though you totally should have. Bastards. .

Weather. Seriously, I told you to cut this shit out. It's 80 here on Tuesday night, and then it's suddenly 38 today with a chance of snow? Fuck you. That's what I say to your snow.

Gonzaga. Ok, I know you lost Josh Heytvelt because he likes magical mushrooms, but is that any reason to play Indiana like a bunch of pansies? Illinois gave a perfect recipe for beating Indiana. TWICE. But you can't follow it? Pressure the shooters, specifically Rod Wilmont. Oh, you'll just go and let him go off for 16 (or whatever he had) in the first half? Suit yourself. Losers.

Taxes. I mailed my taxes in to be processed this week. And I didn't pay that state tax bullshit. And I told the government to keep that fucking $59 they owe me. I don't need their pity. Ok, that's a lie. I totally need their pity. But fuck them anyways.

My sister. Remember how my friends were on notice last week? Well, now my sister is. Because she thinks they're soo funny. And she was challenging me to put her on the list. I think we all know she learned her lesson. I expect her to apologize profusely any second now. Any second.

Davidson. Even though I technically picked you to lose in almost every bracket I did, I'm pissed off at you. You easily had the easiest chance for an upset early in the day, and then you blew it. Not only that, in one of the brackets I filled out, I picked you to go to the sweet 16? You know what that got me? Shit. So you're on notice now. Look what you've done.

Off this week:

Work. Work probably shouldn't be off. I work in terrible conditions. It's like The Jungle all over again. Verbatim. Plus, it interrupts my college basketball watching. You know what? Work is officially back on notice. Way to go work.

Firewalls. I hate you, you suck. You won't let me to TVgasm. I need TVgasm. Fuck you.

Kelvin Sampson. Is it his fault that Gonzaga came out with a terrible gameplan and poor guard defense? No, it's Gonzaga's fault. I should put Mark Few on notice. But I won't. Even though I would be totally justified if I did. Plus, a win for the Big Ten will shut up all those other bastards complaining about the Big Ten getting 6 bids. What about the Big East? Maybe they shouldn't have gotten all those bids. Or fucking Stanford. What's that shit about? (note: technically this rant should have come last week, but apparently I was short on time)

My friends. My friends made a big comeback this week. They're just lucky that it was my birthday that they would get ample opportunities to get back in my good graces.

Anti-Chief people. I'm done with you.

So that's all I've got for this week. Feel free to check out my shit at TVgasm, because I'm awesome. What other reason do you need?

An Optimist's predictions for the Illini

2007-03-15T07:57:00.000-05:00

The NCAA tournament starts today and I couldn't be happier. There is absolutely nothing better than this time of year. I mean, unless you hate college basketball, and you particularly hate close, exciting college basketball games. Then maybe it's not so great for you. But in that case, you're an idiot.

Looking at the Illini's matchups, I would say that there is an extremely, EXTREMELY outside chance that they could make the elite 8. And that's being incredibly optimistic. But, the Illini can totally advance past this weekend. A closer look at the matchups:

vs. Virginia Tech

VT is a quick, athletic team. Athletic teams can give slower teams a big headache if they control the pace. However, if there's one thing we've seen from the Illini this year, it's that they can slow down ANYBODY. They will make you play an ugly game. I don't necessarily see that as something Va Tech can handle. Also, I like the matchups that they present Illinois with defensively. Deron Washington is out-of-his-mind athletic, but I think Brian Randle can match his athleticism well. Leading scorer Zabian Dowdell will probably get matched up with Rich McBride, who is just about as good a defender as anybody on this team, which is actually a relief to most Illini fans, since he doesn't always bring his shot to the gym. After that, you've got a G/F who will either draw Warren Carter or Brian Randle in defense, or perhaps even Calvin Brock, the center who doesn't score a lot, and the other guard who will get matched up against Chester Frazier.

Defensively, I think we can interrupt this team's flow pretty easily, assuming the officials let us play. I also think that, since they don't really defend much in the ACC, the ACC may face some extremely tough challenges in the tournament. I like the Illini in this game, because they can out-ugly you with some of the best.

vs. SIU/Holy Cross

I'm just going to pretend that Illinois would play SIU in the second round, although Holy Cross isn't one to be taken lightly. SIU averages close to 66 ppg as a team. This could make things difficult for the Illini, because, as opposed to the ACC where they don't really defend, some of the MVC teams CAN defend. There are also some teams on the low end of the MVC (cough, Illinois State, cough) who you can go light up.

Regardless, the Salukis both defend and can score, and they bring a pretty even attack at you. Their leading scorer is Jamaal Tatum, who I assume will draw Rich McBride. After that you've got Randal Falker, whom I believe will be guarded by Brian Randle when he's on the floor. Again, I like these matchups. If there's one thing Illinois does pretty fucking well, it's disrupt the offense. Also, of the top 5 scorers on the team, the tallest guy for SIU is 6'7". I think that Pruitt's (and Carter's) size can disrupt the guys on the inside, and possibly can disrupt the Saluki's gameplan, should they need to bring in their center. (They have the size, I just don't know much about what type of offense they run or who's in their starting lineup.)

Also, I like the master coaching against his pupil. Lowery used to be an assistant of Bruce Weber's, and, whatever you feel about the Illini, you have to admit that with this team, and all the distractions, it's pretty much a miracle the Illini are in the tournament. I don't know if the Illini WILL win this game, but they definitely CAN.

vs. Kansas

I will say that I'm not even sure Kansas will make it this far. Remember last year? Everybody said they were playing the best basketball in the nation, and then they lost in the first round to Bradley.

Anyways, Kansas creates tough matchups because they bring a pretty balanced attack. Well, maybe you could call it balanced, maybe you could call the players inconsistent. I figure you match up Brandon Rush with either Rich or Randle. You don't have to worry about the PG much. You may match Julian Wright up with Randle or Carter, depending on who's on the floor for Kansas. I think, again, with the Illini's ability we can disrupt their offense. But, the problem is that Kansas can score bunches of points quickly.

One of the reason's I think the Illini can win this game is because Bill Self isn't a great coach. I think throughout the course of a season he can learn his team's abilities and whatnot. However, we've seen him fail TWICE in the tournament. With the gritty Illinois defense, we can give Kansas a game. However, if we play like we did in the Purdue game and give them a 13 minutes head start, we're definitely screwed.

Should the Illini actually advance past the first weekend, I'll update my predictions. I think Illinois might actually have a little bit of the upper hand against Virginia Tech. Gotta love the 5-12 matchup.

The easiest way to win games in March is to play perfect basketball (obviously). No turnovers, smart shots, good possessions, solid defense, make your free throws. If UNC doesn't shoot 100% from the free throw line, NC State could have taken the Illini's tournament spot away. Unfortunately, the Illini only have like one of the keys to win easy games in solid defense. If, IF we catch fire and get a lucky break or two, Illinois can find themselves in the Sweet 16. If not, we'll be looking forward to Demetri McCamey and Quincy Watkins next year.

I-L-L

Taken to task: Lance Briggs

2007-03-14T10:56:00.000-05:00

I would like to reiterate what I've said before, that I am a big fan of Lance Briggs on the field. When the Bears took him in the THIRD ROUND of the draft, I was like, ok, that's probably a good pick, but in no way did I see it leading to two consecutive Pro Bowls before his initial contract was up.

Since I'm such a fan of Lance Briggs, I would like to offer this piece of advice: Quit being such a bitch. Seriously. Quit it.

Point #1: YOUR agent when you were a rookie negotiated your contract for you. So whose fault is it that you were a restricted free agent this year? Is it the Bears' fault? IS IT? NO. It's YOUR agent's fault. And also possibly yours. Of course, no one had the foresight to see how good you'd be, except for yourself perhaps, but if that's the case, then it's YOUR FAULT you agreed to such a contract stipulation.

Point #2: Because of YOUR contract, the Bears have the right to do whatever they want with you. Because they're working WITHIN THE REALMS of YOUR contract, they could have let you walk for nothing, they could have signed you to an extension, they could have traded you, whatever they wanted. Is it their fault that they chose to do something they were allowed to do? Also, THEY OFFERED YOU AN EXTENSION, and you chose to reject it. Perfectly reasonable on both sides, but don't say they're not doing anything to re-sign you, because we both know that's complete bullshit. And, just as a sidenote, MAYBE PAYING YOU LESS ALLOWS THEM TO IMPROVE THE TEAM THIS SEASON. I know, it's crazy to think that the Bears might be trying to do something else than make you miserable.

Point #3: You say you want to be "the man" somewhere. That's fine, a lot of people want to be the best at something. But did you ever think that maybe it's BECAUSE of Brian Urlacher that you're able to excel so well. I'm not saying you suck by any means. But if a team has to gameplan for 2 Pro Bowl linebackers, as opposed to, say, one, they're going to have to spread out blocking schemes, etc. for 2 linebackers. Whereas if there was only one awesome linebacker, it would be much easier to contain him. Unless he's some sort of freak athlete.

Point #4: Your constant bitching to the media. You say that you're prepared to sit out all season in order to make your point. You'll even take out loans if you need to, because you're sure to get paid next year, right? About that:
1.) You're fucking getting paid $7 million if you play. If you're willing to walk away from that, I would like to simply ask if you're a retarded person.
2.) Did you see the contracts in free agency? Let's do a little math. If you play this season, you make $7 million. If you get a free agent contract within the range of Nate Clements (which you totally should if you don't turn into a shitty player suddenly), you could make $10 million a year. So, let's see, $10 million + 0 = $10 million. $7 million + $10 million = $17 million. I mean, if you're cool with not making any money for a year, then go ahead. And obviously you're not big on team loyalty (not that many people are any more), so why not just sit out.
3.) With all your bitching, you look fucking insane. Remember Maurice Clarett? He sat out a year and came back out of shape. He's now in jail. I'm not saying it will happen to you, but how do you stay in shape when you've got nothing to do for 16 months? And why would a team want someone who's bitching about making $7 million a year?

Point #5: "When I did talk, you guys criticized me." Well no shit genius. Of course people are criticizing you. You're acting like a jackass and a little whiny bitch. Maybe you're right though. Maybe you should be allowed to bitch about the owners not paying you what you want, even though it doesn't seem like you even want to be in Chicago any more. I'm pretty sure the Bears are cool with not paying you and letting you sit out the season if you're going to be a prima donna. If I were to bitch about my job and demand more money, I'd probably get fired. But let's all give you the benefit of the doubt, because the Bears won't give you $10 million more. Fuck you, shut up.

Point #6. Remember Thomas Jones? That other jackass who said he was going to hold out with you last year? He got traded. He worked out a deal with Jerry Angelo where he would get traded following the 2006 season if he played the season hard. And did you see TJ getting his carries, and respect? Angelo is obviously true to his word.

Awww, but you want more money? TOUGH SHIT. The Bears have every right to slap the franchise tag on you. It's your own fault you're being a pussy about it. My only concern right now is that if the Bears were to trade you, they wouldn't get ENOUGH for you back because you're being such a whiny bitch. Maybe you should just shut your fucking mouth and stay focused on football. Don't worry, we'll be ok without you.

The Illini are in

2007-03-12T08:32:00.000-05:00

Well the Illini made it into the NCAA tournament. I was positive that the Illini would get in regardless of what happened in the conference tournament, but it's pretty apparent that had they not beaten Indiana, or had they gotten their shit handed to them by Wisconsin from the beginning, then Illinois would have been left out in the cold. But they're not.

Here's what I don't like though. Illinois was obviously one of the last 4 teams to get into the tournament. This is bullshit. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we're in. But why did we get the fuckjob?

You take a team like Purdue and put them at a 9-seed. What does Purdue have to show for themself? An inability to win any big games on the road, plus the ability to lose in Minnesota, zero quality wins, and a worse strength of schedule and RPI than the Illini. And yet, somehow, all of those things translate into a higher seed. Good work selection committee.

Then there's Michigan State. I understand that they helped themselves by beating Wisconsin at home and almost beating both Wisconsin and OSU on the road. But what about bad losses? The Illini beat the shit out of them when they played at Champaign.

Then you had people arguing for Drexel. I watched Bracketology on ESPN before the selection show, and the guys there said that Drexel would only be in if you put in Old Dominion. ODU just played better in conference. It says a lot for a Drexel team to play a strong out of conference schedule (and catch teams early in the season, hello Georgetown), but you've gotta back up that play in the weak conferences or you're screwed. I would have liked to see Drexel make it though, in favor of:

Stanford. Why the fuck does Stanford get in? Is it the terrible RPI? The 18-12 record? The 4-4 record vs. the 51-100 RPI teams? And they get a better seed than Illinois? I understand that Stanford did fairly well in the Pac-10, but they also got their asses kicked by an Air Force team that got left out of the field of 65. And everyone beat up on each other in the Pac-10. It's not like beating UCLA alone is enough to put you in the field either (right West Virginia?)

And Indiana gets a 7? They're RPI is one better than the Illini, and their Strength of Schedule is 52 compared to the Illini's 24. Illinois also won the series 2-1. And let's look at the quality wins that Indiana had: SIU, Wisconsin. Does beating the Illini count as a quality win also? Indiana was 5-8 vs. teams in the RPI top 50, Illinois was 4-9. Illinois beat Indiana twice. Shouldn't Illinois be closer than just one of the final four teams to be in the tournament if Indiana got in as a 7?

None of this is to say that any of these teams shouldn't have gotten in, except for Stanford. I was especially annoyed yesterday when Billy Packer was bitching about how this is the year when the fewest mid-major teams have gotten in in the past 6 years or something. You know what Packer? Just because you say things doesn't make them true. Maybe it's related to the level of play. When you've got mid-major conferences beating up on each other, the teams that stand out are the teams that are going to get at-large bids. But, maybe you're right. Maybe we should just pick the teams who haven't really played quality competition (or who have, but haven't been able to match the intensity within their own conference) as opposed to those who have. You jackass.

I'm just glad that Illinois didn't get the fuckjob I was so terrified they were going to get, even after beating Indiana. Some point before Thursday I'll go through and look at the matchups Illinois has, and I'll take a (most likely very, very optimistic) look at their chances for advancing. But until games start, I'll probably continue to bitch about the Illini not getting a better seed.

Giddy like a school girl

2007-03-09T13:49:00.000-06:00

What a great fucking week this was. I mean, sure, I had some really shitty days, like Tuesday and yesterday. And Wednesday wasn't that great either. But, this week is rounding out very nicely.

First, there was the premiere of South Park's new season on Wednesday night. I didn't really realize the true goodness of it until seeing it again. For a while I used to love South Park. It was still pretty early in the show, and I loved it more for it's outrageousness. I'm not really sure if all of the shows had some sort of current event relevance or whatnot. They were funny. But then I got tired of it. I didn't really watch it for like 2 years, and I actually kind of tried to avoid it. But then right around the fall season in 2003 was when I started watching again, and it was pretty fucking awesome. Since then I've watched every episode, and they're all great. And almost all are pretty poignant too. It's actually brilliant how they do it. So, yeah, fucking awesome. Of course I have to start watching Real World again, but that doesn't mean South Park won't be DVR'd.

But really, the thing that makes this entire week, regardless of what happened earlier in the week is 300 coming out today. There's not really much to say about it. It's going to be the fucking best movie of the year. I actually cannot imagine how much ass it is going to kick. It's well beyond my comprehension of ass kicking. And my comprehension of ass kicking is very, very extensive.

So, 300 pretty much sets the tone for the entire weekend. It will be a weekend for kicking ass. Obviously.

But on to this week's list:

Of note this week:

Technology. My AIM is still being pretty dumb. And now my iTunes is being stupid as well. Since I downloaded the update for iTunes, it won't ever minimize. Why not? Because it's stupid, that's why. So, technology, seriously, work this shit out. At this rate we don't have to worry about robots taking over the world for years because programmers can't figure out the "Minimize" command.

Work. Hey, work. Fuck you. I can't go see 300 until you're fucking over, so hurry the fuck up. Seriously.

Firewalls. I still can't go to TVgasm, which is complete bullshit. I could kill two birds with one stone if I could, because then I could edit my recaps and shit while at work with some downtime. But noooo. Fuck firewalls. And do they even know what TVgasm is? Bastards.

America. Seriously America. What is your fucking problem? Remember when I took you off the list last week because I didn't think any more people would go see the steaming piles of shit that you released to movie theaters last weekend (aside from, perhaps, Zodiac, which I would at least watch)? But you went and did it. You made Wild Hogs or whatever that movie was #1 in America. And I died inside. Seriously. I'm dying a little each week. Good thing I've got 300 to almost undoubtedly kick the shit out of the other movies.

Taxes. Guess what. I'm still not gonna pay you fuckers. State taxes are for bitches. I'm no bitch.

My friends. Now, you might be thinking to myself, why are my friends on notice? Well let me break it down for you. This past weekend, Streets and Bootz came down to see me. I welcomed them into my home on Saturday. While I was taking a shower, I heard rustling around in my room. I was thinking, hmm, they're probably going through my stuff. This can't be good. So I get out of the shower, and I see them with my clothes on. But, not just my clothes, but, like, layers of my clothes. They chose that opportunity to tread all over me. And they damn near made me lose my sexy. And they LIED about what they were going to do. But it's not just those two who are on notice. There are pictures, and everyone thinks they're HILARIOUS. But guess what. They're not. So, now I've got to return the favor to them. Which will be both creative and horrifying. And I'm excited about it. But, probably until then my friends will be on notice.

Anti-Chief people. You know what? I'm glad the whole thing has been resolved because now I don't have to listen to your un-informed babbling bullshit. Assholes.

Off this week:

Weater. You know what? It's changing, and it's not making me sick. And it's fucking 56 here today. 56 glorious degrees.

"Lost." Now that South Park is back on (and I'll be watching Real World) I don't have to watch this show and wonder at how nothing ever happens. The worst thing about it is that it has set the tone for shows like Heroes and shit. Just keep introducing new twists and turns, never resolving anything, never explaining anything. But, if you do explain something, make sure it's really bizarre. And hey, add new characters whenever. Whatever, I don't have to watch it.

I'll probably be back on Monday with a recap of 300, and probably some Illinois talk, and probably a lot on the brackets and whatnot. Oh God is this a fucking awesome time of the year.

Handicapping the Illini

2007-03-09T08:35:00.000-06:00

Last night the Illini survived the battle against Penn State to advance out of the first round of the Big Ten Tournament. I'm ecstatic that the Illini won, because Penn State is a team that, while overall not incredibly dangerous, can steal a game from just about any team in the Big Ten.

I actually didn't watch the game, and I blame ESPN for this. And my job. But, regardless we're out of the first round.

I am actually quite curious as to how we managed to score 66 points. This isn't a team that has been able to shoot the lights out, and scoring often comes sparingly. So how did we win this game? Thankfully, Chester Frazier and Warren Carter were making shots.

But what did I see from the highlights? Well, first, Illinois came out strong. They've done a much better job of this since early in the year when they fell behind to everyone, then battled back, only to fold (usually) again late in the game. Of course, maintaining their MO, the Illini once again failed to maintain the intensity down the stretch.

Illinois isn't going to score a lot of points. I get it. But why are we so incapable of scoring within 3-4 minutes left in the game? We don't even get shots up. I don't know if it's so much a matter of anything more than the players on the floor either being inexperienced, or lazy, or terrible free throw shooters, or what. But to lose a 10-point lead (I'm not talking about this game specifically) in the final three minutes is unacceptable. And I often wonder why someone like Trent Meacham isn't on the floor. The offense seems to flow better with Trent in, possibly because no one is entirely comfortable with him dribbling for 20 seconds. Then again, Trent doesn't quite have the intensity and quickness of a Frazier on the defensive end.

But I'm getting off-track here. I like this win, and I think that Illinois is probably safely in the NCAA tournament now. However, we can totally help our chances with a win vs. Indiana, and I think today could be one kickass game. You've got the Indiana inbreds chanting something about how they're bitches (I fucking hate them. It's really immature, but guess what: I am) and then you've got the Illini fans actually chanting poignant, relevant, original things (like "Fuck you Hoosiers" (perhaps a poor guess on my part)). There's the animosity towards the Hoosier coach, there's intensity among the players. The rivalry has totally been revived. I'm at least happy for that. It's too bad that the occurences leading up to said rivalry had to happen, but they did, so whatever.

Anyways, back on track again. I think the Illini are in the tournament now. I'm not entirely confident about it, but, come on, 22 fucking wins, and 34 RPI ranking and 32 strength of schedule. But how will the Illini fare? I actually had this discussion the other night.

As per usual with the NCAA tournament, it all comes down to matchups. Illinois, obviously, is an outstanding defensive team. So, say they get matched up against a team that is all offense and no defense. I'd like the Illini's chances for an upset in that game. Say, however, Illinois matches up with a fundamentally sound team that makes very few mistakes, maybe we don't match up quite so well. I would also like to say that I think we match up really well against a Georgetown type team because we defend the Princeton offense so well. But that's just me. If we get refs who call touch fouls, as often happens to Big Ten teams in the tournament, that is going to hurt the Illini's chance.

Basically, unless this team can show the ability to score points, I don't think we'll get very far in the tournament. Maybe yesterday was a sign that the points will be able to come from elsewhere than expected, but I'd like to see it come from somewhere else (Calvin Brock? Marcus Arnold? Did I really just hope Marcus Arnold scores a lot today?) again today. And if that happens, then we'll get a better seed and a better matchup for us to win.

So we're in the tournament hopefully, assuming no more crazy business happens with these conference tourneys. I think Illinois can advance out of the first round (and possibly even the second) but it's going to depend on matchups. And maybe we can come out of this with, say, a 12-seed, and just make it to the sweet 16. A 12-seeed would be perfect for us to do that.

Update: Illinois is 3-8 vs. the top 50 in the RPI, which doesn't look too great. But I looked at the games they've played. Of the 8 losses, 7 came against teams with RPI's higher than Illinois. And the 8th loss was at Purdue, who has a lower RPI, and a lower strength of schedule. Many people say Purdue is in. Looks pretty crazy to put in a worse team than Illinois and not put Illinois in. Also, the two of the three wins came against teams with higher RPIs. Illinois better fucking get in.

Bears grumblings

2007-03-06T09:24:00.000-06:00

Last week I made a post about possible moves and stuff that the Bears could do. Well, we're a week further along in the offseason, so why don't I reflect on what's going on with the Bears now. You care what I think, right? Right?!

First, the Bears slapped the big fat franchise tag on Lance Briggs, which we all knew they'd do. At least right away. They had a coaching extension that was their top priority to take care of, And then after that maybe they'd renegotiate some contracts.

Well, now Briggs is pissed off. He's got the franchise tag, so no teams can offer him a contract without giving up a first-round pick as compensation. Regardless of how good a player is, very few teams are going to give up a first round pick.

But, whatever. Briggs is seeing these contracts and I think he's getting pissed off because he knows the money is out there for him. He also is probably pretty concerned about the Bears opening up their checkbooks in order to give him the money he feels he deserves. And his agent is first-class prick Drew Rosenhaus. Rosenhaus has to be telling Briggs that he can get a deal better than Nate Clements (thanks for that one 49ers), because he totally should be able to.

So Briggs either wants the tag removed or he wants to be traded. There is no way I think the Bears do this. It's not their style to renegotiate contracts when they don't need to. And I'm not sure that the Bears have decided whether or not Briggs is in the long-term plans or not. He's doing a good job of making the decision easier though by being a jackass about the whole thing.

Listen, I like Lance Briggs. He was an absolute steal in the draft. While some times I personally feel like his tackling is questionable, his ability to be in the right place at the right time is pretty amazing.

Briggs says he loves Chicago the team, but not Chicago the management. So, basically, he loves the Bears, but hates the front office. Join the club Briggsy. But he's pretty much acting like a dick right now. He's in line for a huge raise because of the franchise tag, but he's too impatient to wait for it.

If the Bears don't give Briggs what he wants, the only reasonable thing I can see him doing is holding out. Because Rosenhaus will tell him to. Prick. If not, Briggs will play just as hard as always to make sure he gets the big payday (and next year he'd get even MORE money with how the market has ridiculously blown up this year). But I probably see the Bears just letting him complain, doing nothing about it, possibly while he holds out, then probably letting him walk next year. Briggs should just man up and play out his contract. Seriously, I'm pretty sick of the whining about it.

The Briggs news came right around the same time that I found out that the Bears had traded Thomas Jones and their 2nd round pick to the Jets for the Jets 2nd round pick. I was really excited when I saw "The Bears have agreed to trade Thomas Jones..." and then I was waiting for the player they were going to get back and I saw "and the 2nd round draft pick..." and then I saw the rest.

I do not know how to feel about this. Basically we get two picks close to each other, which we could possibly package and trade up (like 4 spots at most probably).

I think I'm disappointed with this, mainly because we're getting virtually nothing in return. Well, that's not true. But we're getting potential as opposed to impact. Why couldn't we get a DT, since we'll probably be losing at least one. And the Bears love depth. Also, I kind of look at this like Jerry Angelo is so confident in his ability to scout and recognize potential that he's confident he can get just as good of a player at 37 (I think that's the pick we get) as Thomas Jones, a former top 10 pick. Is it possible?

Well, as we all know, I personally felt that TJ was overrated. I don't think he did anything that Cedric Benson couldn't do. And now that Benson is the feature back, I think Benson will show that he can be just as good (or better) than TJ.

But let us also not forget that TJ's accomplishments in the past two years were a product of an absolutely amazing offensive line and an offense with a.) pretty incapable QB's for almost an entire season, b.) a QB who was very streaky, c.) a dedication to the running game. His yards/carry, while fairly solid at 4.1, is nothing that can't be achieved by most other capable RB's in the league. So the problem is just making sure that we have other capable RB's.

However, I am kind of disappointed that we couldn't trick people into thinking those stats were outstanding. I think that's why we didn't get more for Jones.

Ultimately, I'm ok with the trade, aside from being slightly disappointed. Assuming Benson can stay healthy, I expect him to be just as good as Jones. I also wouldn't be surprised if the Bears drafted a speed running back later, just sort of as a change of pace.

One final note: Lovie Smith said he didn't want to trade Thomas Jones. This is a firm reminder to Smith, following his contract extension, that while his opinion is possibly valued, he is not the GM of this team, and he will not be the decider in who stays and goes. I'm not sure how I feel about that. But I'm glad TJ is gone.

What a weekend

2007-03-05T07:59:00.000-06:00

Oh man, this past weekend was awesome. It makes coming to work on a day like today so much less bearable. It's actually quite unfair to have to go to work on a day like today, a day reserved for perhaps the greatest man in history, Casimir Pulaski. Such a great man. He did things like develop the first laptop, and he saved the world from an asteroid once. Bah work.

So, on Friday night I was heading to meet Bootz and Streets in Bloomington. It was snowing for most of the afternoon, but none of it was sticking to the ground or anything. So I'm thinking, no big deal, I'll just meet them down there. So as I'm driving, at one point I see like 3 cars in the ditch. I'm like, shit, how did that even happen. So I slow down a lot, and notice what appears to be black ice (this was at like 7:45 Friday night). Then about 1/4 mile down the road is a bridge I'm driving over. I see a tow-truck on the far side of the bridge and wonder why he isn't back at the other group of cars. That's about the time that I saw like 4 more cars in the ditch up by the tow truck. Then I feel my rear-end start sliding. Yep, no control of the car. Luckily I managed to straighten it out without too much difficulty and/or freaking out. I'm an awesome driver. But, regardless, I finally did make it there around 8. I believe I had somewhere in the area of 6 beers before we went out, and I didn't eat much for dinner. But I did eat dinner, as opposed to Bootz and Streets. We get downtown in Bloomington and everyone except for us three goes to Paulie's while we go to Mulligans. The girls split a long island, and I had my own. And it was awesome. I was so drunk. While there we saw my friends from school, and they all left to go to El Roy's eventually. I didn't want to walk all the way down there for nothing, so we said we were going to Rhino's to dance. The three of us went to Rhinos and there were some weird looking people inside. But Finlandia had some sort of promotion, and the girls had tiny martini's or something. I don't really remember. After a little bit of dancing, we were grabbed by our friends and told to go to Paulie's. I think we were only there for about one beer, then we left. We went to Flinger's to get pizza, and it was so fucking good. However, the entire time we were at Flinger's, Streets was passed out on the table. She got up to go to the bathroom, and she was waiting in line when we were told we needed to leave. So we go out (Streets an Bootz in front of me) and we see our one friend, and he hugs the girls. And I think I hear something hit the sidewalk, like a splash. Then I hear it again. Then we walk down the street a little ways and hear it again, but this time see it. Streets is puking. On the sidewalk. In Bloomington. And the first time she did it over our friend's arm that was around her.

I'm pretty sure I was laughing hysterically. But she was ok after the puking, which didn't last too long. We managed to find everyone to get on the bus back to our friends' place. On the trip was my first unsolicited kiss from a married chick. Not that I go around asking all these married chicks to kiss me or anything. Once back, I don't remember a whole lot. I do remember being attacked however. For some reason, Bootz was pinning me down. I don't know why. And her friend was sitting on my legs, pulling at my leg-hair. She wanted to hurt me. Again, I have no idea why. I was drunk enough that I couldn't feel it too much, and apparently I have some sort of pain-tolerance, because I wasn't saying anything. This only made her pull more though. Eventually, though, everyone let me up. I got on the air mattress to pass out, and Bootz laid down on the couch (where someone else was sleeping, but had gone outside to smoke I think) and passed out. And, save for a question I haven't been asked since I was a sophomore in college, that was the end of the night.

We woke up sometime around 9 or so the next day and tried to piece the night back together. Apparently Streets wasn't the only one to puke on the street. We left to go earring shopping (why do I always end up shopping when I hang out with the girls?) and then we went to Panera shortly after that. We got back to Peoria around 11:45, and save for a lot of confusion and Streets taking the wrong exit, there were no huge incidences. Pretty much everybody passed out for a little while, while I watched the Illini. There was a lot of sitting around until around 4, when everybody got ready and we went to dinner. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings and there was much hot bbq. I had two 23oz. beers there, then I got to take the girls shoe shopping. Seriously. More shopping. Not only that, but following our trip to the shoe store, I had to take them to my most hated place, Target. Luckily there wasn't too much time passed in the stores. I think we got back to my place around 7, I showered, then the drinking really began.

Well, first, I got out of the shower to find the girls treading on me very hard. I was glad that I could invite them into my place and have them make fun of me mercilessly. But anyways, we were listening to music and drinking heavily. I had 4 captain and cokes, and the girls worked on a fifth of voda. I have no idea what time we went out, but maybe it was like 10? So we went to 4play and to Club Reign. Which was empty. So we sat down, rather than dance on an empty dance floor, and played I Never. I learned many things about the girls, and I doubt I remember most of it. Well, eventually the place filled up and we went to dance. Probably somewhere around 1 or maybe 1:30 we went to Big Al's. We were there for such a long time. And we made the mistake of drinking there. At one point, I vaguely remember getting a call from Jake, and he said he was on his way to Peoria. And I got off the phone, and I was like "Um, I think Jake is coming here." Luckily I forgot about that. So while Bootz and I waited for her card, we sent Streets over to Hoops to order us some pizza. We get over there and she's only ordered us one slice each. And I thought we had specifically been talking about ordering a pizza. Well, we were upset about it, but there was nothing we could do. Luckily, I remembered I had a pizza in my freezer from about a year ago. It was a take and bake pizza, and they were really good. I just never made this one because it was so big. So I'm like, shit, I'll make that one when we get back. So, I got home, made the pizza, took it out, cut it. It had a weird area that was kind of burnt, but I thought nothing of it. Finally I took a bite, and it was the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted in my life. No amount of hot sauce could have made that ok. So we wasted the whole thing, which I was actually ok with.

Then there was more sitting around, listening to music I think. This is at like 4:30 in the morning. We were also calling people and leaving some very drunk messages. Most of which none of us remember. Finally, around 5 or so we get into bed. Bootz however isn't satisfied with this. She's very angry. Very angry. And she was acting crazy for like 15 minutes. Not New Orleans crazy, but still crazy entertaining. Finally, somehow, she calms down enough that she passes out. This was at like 5:20.

We all woke up around 10 or 10:30, all pretty hungover I think. For lunch we went to Joe's Crab Shack, which I'd been to before and I raved about the food. Streets did her usual thing and ordered a crazy combination of food, and Bootz and I got the same thing. While we're waiting for our food, the restaurant manager sidles up and begins talking to us out of nowhere. The place was empty, so I don't know if he was bored, but it was odd. While Bootz is eating, she notices something weird stuck to her plate. It looks like cheese, and it's stringy. Then she smells it, and it's gum. At that point the waiter comes up and asks how everything is. She mentions what's stuck on her plate and the manager again sidles up out of nowhere and says "Maybe it's something in the calamari." So, note, do not order the calamari I guess. Anyways, she gets a new plate of food, which the manager brought out by sidling up and she got a free meal. Jerk. Then the two of them left at like 2:30, leaving my place a mess and bogarting some of my stuff.

It was such an awesome, awesome weekend.

Welcome to March bitches

2007-03-02T15:14:00.000-06:00

It's finally March. As we all know, March is the most kickass bitchingest month you'll ever find. First, it's when the weather starts to warm up and unretard itself. Second, all of the greatest people in the history of forever have been born in March.

For example, Albert Einstein was born in March, as was Ghandi, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Martin Luther King, the guy who invented the Roomba, FDR, Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, that guy from that movie about the thing, and I'm pretty sure Jesus was too. You could get some great things accomplished with the people on that list. Especially the Roomba guy.

And a number of amazing things happened in March too. First there was the discovery of electricity by Thomas Edison, after it was first invented by Jesus, and then left for thousands of years, forgotten. Then you've got the development of the A-bomb, D-day, the first exploit to the moon, the signing of the Declaration of Independence.*

So, as you can see, March is The Shit. All the other months are little whiny bitches in comparison to March. And the fact that March follows the little wiener month February makes it all the better.

So don't fuck with March. Let's see the list for this week:

New this week:

Technology. Last night my AIM was all fucked up. I would send like 3 message, not even right in a row, and then I would get a message that I had been rate limited, so I would have to close AIM, then sign back on. It was a pain in my ass. I'm sick of technology treading all over me lately. So, once again, you're on notice!

Work. What's up 5-day work weeks? What, you think I don't have anything better to do than to work five whole days a week? Well you've got some nerve. And I do. I could be doing plenty. Like looking for a job I'd actually like. So, work, you're cramping my style. On notice!

Weather. Seriously weather, what the fuck is up. Middle of the week you're in the 50's, then on the weekends you go back to being shit. I'm sick of this shit. Warm the fuck up right now. Nobody cares about global warming when you're snowing and pissing everybody off, except they want it to hurry the fuck up and get here already. So, until you get your stupid fucking act together, you're on notice!

Taxes. Hey government. Fuck you! I got my taxes done the other day, and guess how much money I get back? 59 fucking dollars. Wow, I could go and buy a pair of shoes or something. Or pay a bill! I know, I know, I'm so lucky to get back so much fucking money. But guess how much it costs to have the state of Illinois fuck me over? $60! That's right. I fucking owe money on my taxes this year. What a giant load of bullshit is that. Am I in the tax bracket that means I get not only do I not get to keep any of the money I make, but the fucking government will take a little bit extra as well? I'm seriously considering not paying the state, because what's $60 to them. I already had to pay to register my fucking car for this year. That's more than $60. That shit should cancel out. So fuck you taxes. No, wait. Let me finish. Seriously, fuck you.

"Lost." Does anybody even like this show anymore? I mean, I can understand wanting to know how it's all going to work out, but the shit is so boring. You spend 50 minutes (or 44, whatever isn't commercials) of the episode being bored out of your mind, and then at the end something may or may not happen. It's a bunch of bullshit. Besides, there's no point in trying to guess at what's going on, because there's no fucking way you'll figure it out. Because the writers don't even know. I get the feeling that the show will end with someone waking up from a dream, or it will all be inside an autistic kid's imagination. That's the only way the fucking show makes sense.

Anti-Chief People. Fuck you. I'm over the Chief being retired. And if you're sick of the argument about the Chief, then that's fine, you unopinionated bitch. But, if you're against the Chief for what you feel is a valid reason, then you're absolutely fucking wrong.

What fell off:

Money. Oh, don't get me wrong. I absolutely don't have enough of this. I had to take my car in this week and I doubled over in pain when I saw the estimate. And that was just for a checkup! But I got to drive a BMW X3 for a day, so that was pretty sweet.

America. Again, don't get me wrong, I still have to destroy America. I expect people to be less stupid about movie choices in the future though. Well, I take that back, that Wild Hogs movie or whatever it is has got to be awful, and a lot of people might go and see it.

Being sick. I started feeling better on Saturday and my drinking for the evening wasn't impeded at all. So I only had to suffer through two days of work before feeling better. So being sick is off the radar for hopefully a long time.

"Popular TV." I absolutely can't stand Heroes. It's turning into Lost, and they're just going to keep adding and taking away characters, giving just enough backstory to confuse, then going back to the present, and I for one don't care. But Lost was more annoying this week.

So that's all I've got for this week. It's going to be another crazy weekend in central Illinois, and I'm probably not going to remember a lot of it. But I'll try. Kind of.

*Don't try to tell me I'm wrong by using "facts." You can use "facts" to prove anything.

Awesome.

2007-03-02T09:33:00.001-06:00

I saw this video at With Leather this morning, and it's awsome. I missed the NBA All-Star Dunk Contest because I was in New Orleans, getting shitcanned. I heard it was pretty cool. But it couldn't have been as cool as this.

Man that's gotta hurt. I wonder if the point of the dunk was to knock that chick over and then land on top of her or something. Because there's no way it could have been to actually jump over her and make the dunk. He hip-checked her face. And the girl just gets up laughing! Man, if all I needed to do to get on some chick's good side would be to make her stand in the middle of the floor while I try to jump over her to dunk it, only to introduce her face to my hip, my life would be much easier. As long as there was a basketball hoop within range.

You suck Duke*

2007-03-01T14:22:00.001-06:00

I know this is nothing new, but I'm seriously sick of all of the "respect" that Duke is getting this season. I'm disgusted at how they're constantly hanging around the top 25 when they have absolutely no business being anything higher than 20. So I decided to do a little research as to Duke's position throughout the season, and then rip on the voters who continue to give Duke voting fellatio** for no reason.

I also want to point out that, no, I don't like Duke. I hate them. But, they are not a threat this year, as opposed to other years when they were easy to hate because they were so good. This year, it's not like I hate them as much as I'm just annoyed by all of the press for playing average. Also, I'll point out that I'm using the Coaches Poll, because I'm too lazy to look at both.

#11 Duke vs. Columbia, W 86-43. Don't want to start off the season with too much of a test. (1-0)

Well hell, Duke won that game, let's move them UP!

#10 Duke vs. Georgia Southern, W 72-48. That's more of the test we like to see in the early season. (2-0)

#10 Duke vs. UNC-Greensboro, W 75-48. Tough competition, I'm surprised Duke has been able to win by nearly 30 points. (3-0)

New week, new ranking:

#8 Duke vs. Air Force, W 71-56. Air Force has been one of the most up and down teams this season, so at first this looked like a huge win for a solid Duke team. Now, not quite so much. (4-0)

#8 Duke vs. #17 Marquette, L 62-73. So this means that Marquette is an awesome team if they can beat the #8 team in the nation right? Duke probably won't fall too far, right? (4-1)

#8 Duke vs. Davidson, W 75-47. After two tough teams in a row, it's good to take a break mid-season. (5-1)

#10 Duke vs. Indiana, W 54-51. Indiana isn't an easy team to beat, but, Illinois beat Indiana by more than 3 at home, so does that mean that Illinois should be in the top 10 as well? (6-1)

#10 Duke vs. #23 Georgetown, W 61-52. This was while Georgetown was in its free-fall stage. Play this game now, you'll probably get a different result. (7-1)

#9 Duke vs. Holy Cross, W 57-45. This was probably a closer game than most expected. (8-1)

#9 Duke vs. George Mason, W 69-53. Probably thought this game would be closer when it was scheduled, so I won't really mock them for this one.

Just so we're all on the same page here though, after 10 home games in a row, Duke is 9-1.

Well, while most teams start playing real competition, Duke was still taking it easy. By comparison. But let's move them up regardless of competition. I mean, come on, it's DUKE!

#6 Duke vs. Kent State, W 79-72. Kent State is kind of a strong team if they make it to the NCAA's, so this isn't a terrible game, but still, #6 in the nation? (10-1)

#6 Duke AT #24 Gonzaga, W 61-54. Wasn't this the game that Heytvelt disappeared in? Or was that later? Regardless, Gonzaga has been up and down this season too, but this is a pretty decent win. And it's on the road. ON THE ROAD! (11-1)

#5 Duke vs. San Jose State, W 70-51. SJ State had all of 1 win coming into this game. Again, good idea to schedule a cupcake in between real games. (12-1)

#5 Duke vs. Temple, W 73-55. Temple is sometimes good, right? (13-1).

So, at the conclusion of non-conference play, Duke has played 3 ranked teams, with the highest team ranked at 17, they've played one game on the road, yet they're ranked #5 in the nation. Seems fair, right? No?

#5 Duke vs. Virginia Tech, L 67-69. Virginia Tech must be a top 10 team to come INTO Cameron Indoor and knowck off the Dookies. Right? Right?! (13-2, 0-1)

#11 Duke AT Georgia Tech, L 63-74. Ok, loss on the road, the ACC is tough, blah blah blah. Top 15 team though? I know I'm questioning it at this point. (13-3, 0-2)

#11 Duke AT Miami, W 85-63. A win on the road is a win on the road, but it's not like winning at, say, Maryland. Or Georgia Tech for that matter. Which I guess didn't technically happen either. Always good to get off the shnide in conference play though. (14-3, 1-2)

#17 Duke vs. Wake Forest, W 62-40. Wake doesn't have much of a team this year, but it's still good to beat the pants off of a rival, right? By the way, this is the first time I've thought the ranking has been anywhere near close to accurate. (15-3, 2-2)

#17 Duke AT NC State, W 79-56. NC State is a team who has taken a while to get it together, and they've been up and down this season. So is this a good win? Meh, it's a solid beating at least. (16-3, 3-2)

Well, the coaches were sick of Duke being out of the top 10 for so long, so after two mediocre wins against average (at best) teams, they decided to do something about it.

#10 Duke vs. #17 Clemson, W 68-66. We all know this is bullshit and Clemson should have won this game. But what a surprise, the DUKE operators fucked up, allowing Duke to win. Regardless, it was a win against a Clemson team that was still performing at the time. Well, not regardless. It's bullshit. But whatever. We know the truth. (17-3, 4-2)

#10 Duke vs. Boston College, W 75-61. I can't remember if this was after BC lost those dudes for the season or what. I've personally always felt that BC was overrated, so this win doesn't surprise me much. It was a decent win I guess. (18-3, 5-2)

#10 Duke AT Virginia, L 66-68. Why isn't UVA ranked? They beat a top ten team. Even if it was at home, that should be good for something, right? Good win for UVA, who, I reiterate, is unranked. (18-4, 5-3)

#10 Duke vs. Florida State, L 67-68. Youch, Florida State? Really? Ok, I guess, uh, they're tough. Even though you're at home. And ranked #10 in the nation. Right? They're tough? (18-5, 5-4)

#16 Duke vs. #5 UNC, L 73-79. Like we didn't see this coming. Rough stretch for Duke, first losing to perennial ACC powerhouses UVA and FSU, now losing to UNC? Ouch. (18-6, 5-5)

#16 Duke AT Maryland, L 60-72. Maryland always plays Duke tough at home, Why isn't Maryland ranked 16 though? Following this game, the teams had similar cumulative records. (18-7, 5-6)

UNRANKED (Gasp!) Duke AT #21 Boston College, W 78-70. Now I'm positive BC didn't have those two dudes who were suspended, and Duke won this game pretty easily. I expected BC to win, and I was very disappointed. It's a good win on the road though, right? Maybe not quite so much, but at the time they needed it. (19-7, 6-6)

UNRANKED Duke vs. Georgia Tech, W 71-62. Duke atones, sort of, for the loss at GT. The ACC is tough this year? (20-7, 7-6)

Again, the coaches had enough of Duke out of the top 25, so guess who's back baby!

#17 Duke at Clemson, W 71-66. Try as they might, Clemson's timekeeper didn't get the opportunity to fuck over Duke, and Duke comes away with the win. But seriously? Back in the top 25 at 17? That's a joke coaches, and you know it. (21-7, 8-6)

#17 Duke at St. John's, W 67-50. SJU was overmatched from the beginning. They could have used some of Bootsy Thornton's magic. I loved him. This was an easy win over a pretty weak team. Who cares? (22-7, 9-6)

#14 Duke vs. Maryland, L 77-85. I didn't watch the game, but apparently Maryland out-athleticked*** Duke in this game. Also, apparently the coaches cared about the win over SJU because they moved Duke up in the polls. (22-8, 9-7)

So that's where Duke stands now with a game coming up at UNC (a loss) and then the conference tourney. Just to be fair, Duke's RPI is 13, and their strength of schedule is 3. THREE?! Are you serious? They played all non-conference games at home except for one, and only 3 of those teams were ranked. Bah, I used to think RPI meant something, but if Duke gets a 3 for strength of schedule, then I refuse to buy into it. THREE??

*While I dislike Duke, this is more directed at how the media and coaches give them so many votes for playing so average.

**Voting fellatio is a term trademarked by me.

***It's a word.

Continue to Bear down

2007-03-01T08:07:00.000-06:00

So, the NFL offseason has been underway for a while, but only recently has speculation risen about who is actually going to be an unrestricted free agent, and who will get the franchise tag, and who the Bears will get and their draft-plan and whatnot. And I was reading some things today that had me worried.

First, we gave Lance Briggs the franchise tag. I'm totally cool with this, as it lays the groundwork for a big raise next year, should he not hold out like that Rosenhaus prick will almost certainly tell him to do. And the Bears don't really negotiate contracts unless we're tying up someone long-term (see Azumah, Terry, and McQuarters, R.W.) before they hit the market. Man, what was with those deals. Anyways, if things don't work out with Briggs after this season is over, I see us picking up a linebacker in the draft who will have a year to learn behind one of the best linebackers in the game right now.

Now I've seen articles that the Bears should re-negotiate a deal for Thomas Jones so he doesn't end up going somewhere else when he becomes a free agent. That's just a stupid idea. I realize that Jones performed pretty well last year, but I stand by my argument of "who wouldn't have?" The Bears continued to jam the run down people's throat, and usually it worked. It worked in the Super Bowl until the Bears went away from it, for some unknown reason. But tell me that Jones is a better back than Benson. It's not true. Jones doesn't break tackles, he's not very fast, and he's not a hard runner. He relies on his ability to slip through guys' hands, and the occasional reversal, or he goes down. I contend that Benson can be our first back, Adrian Peterson can be our second, and we can draft and/or sign someone for our third and also special teams. And we can probably get something decent for Jones by trading him.

I also saw that the Bears could be very interested in trading for Adam Archuleta. This is dumb. Dumb dumb dumb. We've got two solid young safeties who have Super Bowl experience. Archuleta had a great reputation for run defense, but people knew he was kind of a liability in coverage. Well, that blew up this past season, when he was basically held out on any sort of passing downs and coverage schemes. Tell me why we would want a safety like that in our Cover 2 secondary? Huge mistake. Plus, he's fucking expensive. And there's nobody I would give up for him. Not even Thomas Jones. So what do we do? Well, if Mike Brown is on his way out, we draft a safety. Look at our history with safeties lately. Mike Green managed to play his way into a nickelback role his first year, and started his second year. Then he was beat out by rookie Chris Harris. Who was then beat out by rookie Danieal Manning. I think if Manning has an offseason to learn strong safety, he may be better suited for it than Chris Harris.

Now let's go to the defensive line. We're probably going to lose at least one tackle in free agency. And it's possible we could lose two. I know that we drafted Dusty Dvorachek last year, and I really thought that was going to be a steal, but then we heard nothing more from him. So early in the draft this year, say, second round, we take a tackle. Do tackles last that long? Or is it more of a "early or late, nothing in between" deal? Anyways, we don't know what's going to happen with Tank Johnson as it is, but we need a backup plan.

I would really like to add some offense at some point this offseason. I like our receivers, but that's not to say I don't think we could get BETTER. Or we could add a better tight end behind Desmond Clark. I don't care.

So here's what I think we need to address in the draft.
1. Offensive line. We're old and getting older. And if we can't bring in Eric Steinbach, we need some youth. And depth.
2. Defensive Tackle.
3. Linebacker.
4. Running back/safety
5. Cornerback.
6. Marcus Colston type receiver. What, that's not delusional, is it?
7. Grab-bag.

The Bears really don't have a whole lot that they need to fill. They've done a pretty solid job of building depth, especially on defense, through the draft, but now we need to make sure we don't lose any of that depth for a long time. And if we can also fill some holes on offense or at least increase production, then there's absolutely no reason we shouldn't be favorites in the NFC. Well, we won't be, as long as the Saints are in the NFC, and maybe even the Giants. Or Seahawks. But we know the truth.

I cannot wait for baseball

2007-02-28T08:13:00.000-06:00

Spring training is finally here, and I've neglected to say really anything about the Cubs since Carlos avoided arbitration. Last week. Well, that's over for now, as I'm dying for the season to begin.

First, there was an article on Jason Marquis on chicagosports.com. The article was pretty stupid, and it was mainly Marquis making excuses for his performance last year. He pretty much blames his poor numbers on the start against the White Sox where he was left in to get a pounding. And, supposedly, his ERA skyrocketed just because of that. Not true. His ERA is still terrible if you take that out. His PERA for last year, taking into account peripheral statistics I don't even understand (Baseball Prospectus is fucking loaded with stats. It is literally insane) was 5.71. The PERA is less subject to luck, and 4.5 is average. Obviously, Marquis was well below average. What about his other numbers though? Well, the other two that stick out to me on his PECOTA card are his "Stuff," which measures his dominance, WHICH WAS NEGATIVE, -14 to be exact. The other is his VORP, Value Over Replacement Player, WHICH WAS ALSO NEGATIVE, at -5.7.

So Marquis sucked last year. In 15 innings, J.K. Ryu, whom the Cubs traded over the offseason, performed pretty poorly, and his VORP was only -3.7. Les Fucking Walrond had a better VORP than Marquis. Ok, Angel Guzman had a worse one. Seriously, I was looking at Cubs pitchers who performed poorly last year (in short stints) and it took me three to find one with a worse VORP than Marquis.

But what about this article? First, Marquis is pretty much blaming La Russa for his poor numbers last year. Didn't La Russa realize it was his contract year? How dare he.

Then, Paul Sullivan goes on to say that the Cubs expect big things out of Marquis this year. Not true at all. Well, if it is true, then we're up shit creek. He was brought in to be a 4th starter out of spring training, only because we have so many question marks at the end of the rotation. But we are not lacking in depth. So, if we can find two pitchers to perform better, Marquis probably moves to the bullpen. But, given the shitty, shitty, shitty contract we gave him, money matters might make us keep him in the rotation over, say, Sean Marshall, who, surprise!, has better numbers than Marquis. Definitely by mid-season though, Marquis should be our fifth starter, and if he's not, he will still be our worst starter.

Then Sullivan talks to Lou Piniella, who I'm liking more and more all the time. I really hope I don't start to hate him, because I've said a couple times that I actually think he could be a good manager. I guess that's easy to say before the season starts. Anyways, Piniella says if you take three or four of Marquis's bad starts away, his ERA drops to about 4.5. This is actually probably pretty close to true. Well, it probably drops to 5. But the problem is that you can't take 3 or 4 of those starts away. Lou also uses the phrase "malt-liquor-bull type of approach." I don't know what that means, but I like it.

So let's get off of how depressing the Jason Marquis signing is and to SPECULATION!

Well, first, I saw this article about a week ago, talking about how Felix Pie and Alfonso Soriano have been hanging out together a lot at camp. This is awesome news, because Soriano can help Pie with what to expect, and Pie can help Soriano with defense. And obviously, having Pie around keeps a very expensive Soriano happy.

Now to the speculation. Jacque Jones may spend a lot of time in center field this year. Perhaps the Cubs are showing him off a lot right now so they can build up his value as a team player. But why would they want to ship him off when there's really no viable replacement?

Well, first, there sort of is. We've got Angel Pagan who started out last year awesome, and who knows?, maybe he can hit a curveball this eyar. Pagan can play for when Cliff Floyd gets hurt, while we've got Soriano in center.

Second, Soriano is happy when Pie is around. It makes no sense to have Pie up with the team unless he's playing every day though. Why not give Pie center? Well, don't give it to him, but if he earns it, why not let him have it? PECOTA (STATS!!!) projects Pie will bat .289 this year, in his first year in the majors. That would be stellar. Hell, all Pie really needs to do is hit somewhere around .270.

I think that the spring games will show what direction the Cubs will move in. If Pie is hitting, because we all know he can do EVERYTHING else, then I say the Cubs intensify the plan to move Jones. If Pie isn't hitting, then they'll probably keep Jones around, at least for a little while. I really can't see the Cubs moving Jones to bring in another CF though, when basically everyone on our roster can play the outfield.

So, in review:

Jason Marquis sucks, and he's kind of being a bitch about his terrible numbers last year. The Cubs are not looking for big things from him. Unless you consider not getting hurt "big things."

Jacque Jones probably won't end the season with the Cubs, but will he begin it with them? I hope not.

May I ask you and your mullet for a dance?

2007-02-26T10:31:00.000-06:00

I didn't do anything on Friday night and the weekend craziness was all jammed into Saturday night. But it was very crazy.

Jim, Jake, and Dan (friends from ISU) all came up for the night after getting fitted for tuxes for Jim's wedding this summer. We watched the end of Florida/LSU and then we went to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner. We walk in, and the place is packed. We had already decided we were going to sit in the bar, so we walked right in. The bar however was packed. We stood around for a second, trying to decide what to do, and the people at the table in front of us said they were about to leave. Well, as we're waiting for them to leave, this girl comes up and asks their table who wants to play NCAA March Madness '07 on PS2. They were all like, oh, we're leaving, ask those dudes, pointing to us. Jake says he'll play, and the girl said they needed a second, so Dan said he'd do it. Well, on second thought, Dan changed his mind, so I decided to play. Well, I beat Jake's ass. It was embarassing. Then the dude by the PS2 tells us that it's like a tournament, and I should stick around because I'll be playing again soon. Long story short, I ended up winning the tournament, and I won some Miller Lite gear and the game for PS2. Not bad for the cost of a meal.

So then we went home and continued drinking. I had 3 captain and cokes, then 2 more beers, in addition to the 4 beers I had at dinner, and the 3 guys split 23 beers. Then we went out. At like 11, possibly earlier. We went to Sully's, but they said cover was $10. Fuck that. But the bouncer told us the Real World members were there. The place was empty. I hope it stayed empty all night. Uh, anyways, we went to 4play. We were in Tomkats for a while, then we went to Club Reign. We hung out a little bit, then we went across the street to the Adam's Apple. By this point I was incredibly drunk. I don't remember much about it, except that the bartenders there were very interesting looking. And one had a super mullet. Well, at some point, everyone decided it would be fun to try getting shot down by as many girls as possible. We were all really drunk. We each had a long island at that bar, and then we pretty much got out of there as fast as possible and went back to 4play. Back at Club Reign, the guys were again asking as many girls to dance as possible. At one point I went up to this chick and asked if she wanted to dance or something. Then she mentioned something about a husband, and I was like, wow, ok, a no would have been fine. Then she was like, no, it's ok, or something like that, I'm not really sure. But at some point I wandered away, back to the guys. Then they asked if these two black girls wanted to dance, and the girls pulled all 4 of us onto the floor, or so I'm told. Shortly after, everyone walks back, except for me. I was like, fuck, I'm gonna dance with this girl.

So we danced for hours. I remember at one point looking back and seeing Jake starting to pass out, and then he disappeared shortly after. At some point the girl I was dancing with had to leave, so Dan, Jim and I made our way to Big Al's. Dan pretty much left as soon as he walked in, leaving just Jim and I. All I had was like a 5 or something, so I traded Jim and got 5 singles. And I spent the entire time there by the stage. I made some friends, as did Jim. He was sitting at a table with two chicks, and it was one girl's birthday. When I gave my first dollar to a stripper, the girl next to me told me to tell the stripper to smile. So, the stripper came over, and I said: "2 things. First, you should smile more, you look like you're having a terrible time. Second, it's the girl's birthday behind me and she should have a good time." The stripper comes back with "And?" and I was like, "Uh, that's all I've got." Then I sat down feeling and probably looking like a jackass. I got back on the wagon though, and later, one dude came and sat on the other of me (after Jim got up) and I imparted some strip club wisdom to him. His life will be forever changed, I'm sure. Anyways, Jim told me he was going to the ATM to get money for a lapdance. So I was stuck by myself. Well, I think I went to the bathroom and waited for Jim to get done. Shortly there after, Jim comes back and says we should leave.

Apparently his lapdance didn't go to well. She started, and then he had to get up, walk outside, and throw up. So Jim and I got our coats and went across the street to Hoops for some kickass pizza. It was about this time (nearly 3:30), that I realized that neither Jake nor Dan, both of whom had been gone for nearly an hour, and Jake for about 3 hours, had my keys to get in. So, rather than call and ask if they were ok, or go home and let them in, I told Jim we should hurry. So we see the two girls who were at the strip club at Hoops and we sit down with them. They say they've ordered a pizza and we can have some, so we don't have to order our own. The pizza came pretty quickly, and Jim and I each had a piece or something. Then Jim was giving me a "let's not pay" look. He goes to the "bathroom." Like 2 minutes later, he calls me, and I look back and see him behind the corner, calling me. So I get up, tell the girls I also was going to the bathroom, and we took off. Suckers. Jim isn't feeling too hot again, so we walk home quickly (it was raining, which I don't remember) so he can get back. I have to unlock the outside door and I wonder how Jake and Dan got inside. The elevator pulls up to the 9th floor and Jim looks again like he's about to puke, so I hurry inside to unlock my door. But, when we got off at my floor, there were Dan and Jake, with Jake curled up on the floor sleeping. We get inside, Jim pukes for awhile, we call Poops.

I don't remember too much else of what happened. It was 5 when I passed out, and I woke up around 9, still drunk. The guys leave around 11:30 or so, no big deal. I was getting my stuff ready for work last night, and I realized I had no idea where my wallet was. Not on my desk, check the pants from the night before, no wallet. Oh no. So I'm thinking "Oh shit, oh shit oh shit, I have to call Big Al's, would they still have it, has anyone spent any of my money, oh shit, oh shit, what am I going to do, oh shit..." I started to check if anyone had spent any of my money online when I went back into my bedroom to make sure it wasn't in there. Sure enough, on the far side of my bed, was my wallet, with 5 singles strewn about. Then I remembered taking it out of my jeans last night and throwing it on the ground, then doing the same with the singles in my pocket. And I remember looking at them as I woke up Sunday, still drunk.

So that was the night, and the only night of note all weekend. It is also worth pointing out that it very well could happen again this weekend. It's going to be another awesome weekend.

So much to rant about

2007-02-23T15:41:00.000-06:00

Like two weeks ago I was reading this AP article about people taking naps at work. Apparently, there was a study done with people who takes naps at work versus those who don't, and those who take naps were at a reduced risk of heart conditions.

Well, since returning from New Orleans, I've been extremely tired and just about every day at work I've been struggling to stay awake. But I can't take a nap. So I'm wondering: should I develop a heart condition, can I sue my employer because they're not allowing me to take a nap? Or should I just go ahead and take a nap, and then if they wake me, tell them what's up. I really think there's only one way to find out.

That's as good as I can do for an intro this week. Let's see who made the list:

New this week:

TECHNOLOGY. I was just working on this fucking thing for like half an hour, and I was almost done with it. I minimized the window so I could look back at what I had on the list last week and zap. Entire thing gone. Not saved at all. So, I don't know who's to blame for this? Is it my work computer for being a dumb outdated piece of shit? Is it Blogger for being a piece of shit? Is it Internet Explorer's fault for being a dumb bitch and outdated browser? I tend to think it's a little bit of all three. So, whoever's to blame for this shit, you're on notice!

Money. This week I found out that when my car goes in for "inspection" that it's going to cost out the ass. That sounds as painful as it is. I knew it wasn't going to be pleasant, but we're talking at least twice what I was expecting to pay. Guh. And I don't know if that takes into account any parts/labor that may be required. So, money, you're on notice because I don't have enough of you. Ever.

Weather. On Saturday when we left Chicago it was cold and snowing. When we got to New Orleans it was 62, but it there was a strong, cold wind blowing. Well, on Sunday it was only like 52, and the cold strong wind stuck around. Then on Monday we get back to Chicago and it's fucking 46 degrees and feels warmer than New Orleans. All of this changing climates is bullshit. It's going to make someone sick. Seriously weather, make up your mind. And you better fucking choose pleasantly warm. Or else...

America. America, you are one crazy bitch. Did anyone ever see any previews for Norbit? How could you not, it was a fucking sponsor of the Super Bowl. Well, I remember saying that if enough Americans were dumb enough to pay to see the movie that it would be the number one movie in its opening weekend, I would need to destroy America. Well, unfortunately, it happened. Seriously, how can this be allowed to happen?! Well, did anyone see previews for Ghost Rider? The first time I saw those previews, I said the exact same thing. Well, not the first time, but one of the first 8 times. So you can imagine my surprise when I came back home this weekend and saw that nearly 45 million people(!) paid to see that piece of predictable shit. So now I have to destroy America. Seriously, how to so many jackasses have enough money to pay to see these movies? And you're only making it worse by going to see them. I heard they just greenlighted Norbit 2: Eddie Murphy Dresses Like a Fat Woman Again and Norbit 3: Eddie Murphy Dresses Like 2 Fat Women, A Fat Man, and A Normal-Sized Woman. I also heard they're making Ghost Rider 2: The Exact Same Movie As the First with Slightly Different Characters. People who go see these movies should automatically not be allowed to vote. So, America, you're on notice, and unfortunately, I will have to destroy you.

Being sick. Hey, weather, remember when I said you'd make people sick? You fucking did it. You bitch. I feel like my sinuses are getting prepared for a flood, and that's not a pleasant thing. Luckily I'll try to drink all this shit away this weekend. But, you know, being sick is interrupting my plans of, you know, BREATHING REGULARLY.

"Popular" TV. I'm talking about Heroes, Studio 60, Lost and Grey's Anatomy. I don't like any of these shows, and on the first three NOTHING EVER HAPPENS. Also, Studio 60 is not funny in any way. It sounded like an interesting premise, but obviously there's not enough interesting shit happening behind the scenes of whatever that unfunny live show is. As far as Lost and Heroes, nothing ever happens. They'll promote something huge, and then you get there and you're like, oh, uh, that's the surprise. Huh. That's...uh...what the fuck?! It doesn't make it a great show when the writers can just throw in a curveball that will draw shit out for another 3 weeks, until there will be another promotion that leads to another let-down. It's a cycle of bullshit I'm against. As for the shitshow Grey's Anatomy, this week they tried promoting a cliffhanger: "Will Meredith die?" Yes, ABC, I'm that stupid that I think the STAR OF THE SHOW is going to die. I also need to be reminded to breathe, because if not I stop. I like fun things. Wheeeee. Uh, I got offtrack a little bit, but, uh, shit shows, you're on notice!

Off the list this week:

Jim Hendry. He managed to get Big Z to agree to a one-year deal for less than the middle-point in negotiations, and Z avoided arbitration. Although I'm pretty sure Z could have made more if he had gone to negotiations, but that's neither here nor there. Also, I feel good about our chances of tying up Zambrano long-term, so Hendry's off the radar for awhile.

Work. I still hate you, but when my I lost my blog, you got bumped. Expect to be back next week. Bitch.

Firewalls. Ditto. Minus the part about technology.

Kelvin Sampson. Ditto again fatty.

Cold. You better be on your way out. I wore sandals the other night, and that was fucking awesome. I like wearing sandals. So you best stay the fuck away. But, since you didn't piss me off as much as other things this week you're safe. For now...

Snow. You didn't keep me from anything this past weekend, and as far as I know, you'll never be back again. Ever. And I'm not naive in any way at all.

HOCKEY!

2007-02-23T08:52:00.000-06:00

Back at the beginning of October, I went to a game to see the local minor league hockey team, the Peoria Rivermen. They are a minor league team for the St. Louis Blues, but that's not important.

I've never really been a big hockey fan or anything. I remember in high school (I think) I was watching a game (might have been a playoff game) that went three overtimes. That was cool. But the greatest thing about hockey games are the fights.

When I was at that Rivermen game, there were like 3 fights. And I think two of them were really good. But there's always that moment after the fight where one guy wins, and the other guy just has his ass beaten and he's bloody. There's almost a pang of sympathy for the beaten dude. Lousy conscience.

But I saw a link with this video today. This is bad ass.

Look at that. The goalie for the Senators looks like he's smiling the entire time, both while delivering a beating to the opposing goalie, then while getting beaten by the other team's enforcer.

That's a hockey fight. The rest of the NHL should take note and allow these things to happen all the time. It's not like people really get hurt in them; the referees prevent that. And it's fucking awesome.

It would have been awesome to see the coaches go at it too. Good work last night hockey.

More New Orleans

2007-02-20T15:26:00.000-06:00

I remembered a couple other things about New Orleans that I left out before.

On Friday night, on Bourbon Street, there were a bunch of dudes handing out condoms. Each of us went up to the dudes to get a handful of condoms. There is a series of pictures taken of Bootz, first with her putting the comdom package in her mouth like she was biting it. Then she opened it. Then she put the actual condom in her mouth, like she was biting it. I'm pretty sure this happened before we got pizza.

Back at the hotel room that night, before people started passing out, for some reason the girls all started throwing the condoms at me. Bootz was really drunk, she was standing about 3 feet away from me, and she was still only hitting me with 1/3 of the condoms she threw. I was whipping the condoms back at the girls, but it was 3 against 1, so it wasn't very fair. When everyone had satisfactorily thrown all the condoms at me, Chips picked one up and began inflating it. There is also a series of pictures of this. I think we left a lot of the condoms strewn about the floor when the maid came in the next day. And speaking of the maid, the maid cart we saw had a flask on it. Apparently during Mardi Gras you can drink and do your job. Lucky bastards.

The next day, during the second parade (I think) of the day that we were watching, somebody threw an entire back of pirate beads to me. Everyone was jealous of the beads, and I kept them all to myself. I told the girls that they could have them, but they would have to earn them. Well, back at the hotel (bathroom break before dinner) the girls weren't too happy about having to earn them. So I got pinned down. One person was trying to grab each hand, and then the third was trying to get the beads off. I was valiantly defending my booty from the three of them, but then Muffy grabbed my arm and sat on it. With my arm at an extremely uncomfortable angle, I thought it might be best if I chose not to break my arm for the sake of a couple beads that we all know I deserved. So I gave up and let the girls divide the pirate beads evenly. It was a sorrowful moment.

Also, I've never heard "I'll kick you in the junk" so many times in less than 48 hours.

I'll impregnate you!: Mardi Gras recap

2007-02-20T11:34:00.000-06:00

For all of the worrying about the weather this weekend, little did I know that the New Orleans weather would be so much less than desirable. Also, I tried to remember as much as possible, but if there are things I've left out, perhaps someone will fill me in as to what happened. Oh, one more thing: I don't remember the names of almost anything we went to.

We went to bed a little after 12 on Friday night, and we couldn't decide what time we wanted to leave. I'd already checked us in online, so we just had to wait to get through security. We didn't know how much snow would be on the roads, so we got picked up at 4:30 Saturday morning, and we all woke up at 4:10 (Chips, Bootz, me; Muffy was already in Louisiana). We were through security by, like 5:15 or something, probably sooner, and our flight didn't leave until 6:30. Also, it was very depressing to be at the airport while stores were opening up. We got on the plane, and Muffy called just before to see how the weather was and if we'd be delayed, and also to mention that she was just getting home. Well, the weather was pretty fine, we were delayed like 20 minutes, but it was no big deal. The flight to Charlotte was fine, and everyone slept except for me. Bootz and I contemplated drinking once in Charlotte, but we chose not to hang out in one of the smoky bars just for a beer. We landed in New Orleans around 12:30 or so and met up with Muffy. We took a shuttle to our hotel, and this shuttle smelled like chicken parts, and there was a can of green beans in the back. We chose not to ask questions.

We got to our hotel at like 1:30, but check in wasn't until 3, so we went to Mothers to eat after checking our luggage. We waited in line, finally got food around 2:15 or 2:30 and began the day's drinking. The food was awesome and I didn't get made fun of for getting a plain sandwich. Then we left and caught our first beads of the day on our way back to the hotel. We ended up sitting at the hotel for over 30 minutes waiting to get a room, and Bootz and Muffy went to get beer while we waited, and then we started drinking. Open alcohol laws are fucking awesome. Finally we got up to our room, I showered and we were ready to head back out. I think things pretty much turned into a crazy haze right around this time, because I really don't remember exactly what happened next. I think we headed down to Bourbon Street. And, I think it was on our first stroll down Bourbon Street where I saw the first flasher. What amazed me more was all of the dudes with video cameras though. And if a chick ever looked like she was going to lift up her shirt, there was a circle of dudes around her in 2 seconds. I got a beer somewhere I think, and then we went to get hurricanes from Pat O'Brien's. Then Chips went to get her Mardi Gras initiation, complete with the dude who kind of humped her leg while he played her washboard suit. While Chips and Muffy were inside, Bootz was outside finishing her hurricane, at which point she said "When I'm puking later, this will be why." Shortly before she finished I went to get a Huge Ass Beer for $4 (sweet deal). I drank that, then had another one, and this is definitely where the night becomes foggy for a while. At some point I was without a drink, and we were walking down Bourbon Street, and Bootz wanted some chick on the balcony to throw her beads. The chick points at me or something, so Bootz pulls me over and lifts up my shirt. The chick on the balcony says that's not good enough, then says "His balls, your tits." So I did it of course. Ok, I didn't do it, I got out of there, and Bootz was close behind. At this point I busted out the phone and made something like 4 phone calls in a row. Shortly after (maybe, maybe not) we went to get pizza, and it was awesome. But to use the bathroom at this Mango Mango Pizza, you needed a receipt, so you had to wait in line and order pizza first. So I was last to order, then I went to the bathroom and came out to eat my pizza. While we were eating, Bootz dropped her pizza on the ground. Then she picked it up, took a bite, blew dust off of the pizza, then continued eating. She got the award for most drunk that night.

At some point, we were waiting to meet Muffy's friends outside of New Orleans' gross version of White Castle. I hear it makes White Castle seem delicious, which can't be good. Well, while we were waiting, we went into the Hustler store which was across the street, I think so the girls could use the bathroom. Of course, the bathrooms there were closed off. I would like to point out that while you may think going to an adult store with a group of girls is awesome, at some point it's going to get very awkward. And that point was right around the toy area. Luckily I was very drunk at this point, and I managed to block out some of the memories of the store, and then finally, shortly after the toy section, we left.

Somehow we decided to go back to the hotel, and then we went back out to watch the last parade (Endymion). We'd missed the first 10 floats or so, and we hung out for a little while before going back to the hotel again (I think). Before heading back, I managed to catch some beads with my bare hands, and by this point it was probably below 30 degrees outside, with a freezing wind. I thought I'd broken my finger. Anyways, back at the hotel, Bootz was spectacularly drunk, and spectatularly entertaining, and Chips decided she was done for the night too (after she got back from Wendy's). Muffy and I headed back out, but it was so ridiculously cold and windy. We went to Sean Kelly's for a while, and then we were going to go somewhere to dance, but cover was $20! They don't even have that at most places in Chicago! Then we checked across the street, and that place was $15 cover. So needless to say we went home. I think we got back around 12:30, had one more beer and then passed out.

Since everyone went to bed so early, we were all up early. Bootz was up at 6, I woke up at 8, Muffy at 8:30 or so, and Chips maybe at 9 or so. We all got ready around 10 and went do Cafe Du Monde for beignets. They were fucking awesome. Nothing like sweet pastries for breakfast. Then we wandered around New Orleans streets for a while, and Muffy was showing us around. Probably around 12:30 or 1 or so we went back to the hotel to get the beer from the night before. There were 7 left, so we started drinking those and headed out to the street for the first parade of the day. I think we'd finished 5 before the parade made its way over by us, so we went to get another 12-pack (our third so far of the trip). We also had to buy coozies because it was so incredibly cold. Well, I think by the end of the 2nd parade (the first two started within half an hour) we were done with the second 12-pack (Chips was deciding to wait for a while, but she had 2 beers without much to eat). Then we went to eat at another cafe whose name escapes me.

We were waiting in line, and there was this group of three dudes in front of us. We started talking to them, and they were all friends from law school at Pitt. At one point, they started talking a little bit of shit about Rex Grossman, so I stood up for Rex, and I proved my point, and while they may not have necessarily agreed, they at least thought the points were valid. We all decided to just sit together and eat. One of the guys seemed to be a little outspoken about how cool he thought I was, and while we were looking at menus, Bootz pointed out to me that that dude was totally gay and was flirting with me, and apparently I was flirting back. This was definitely news to me, as I didn't think he seemed gay, so I went for a second opinion to Muffy, who agreed 100%. Well, the girls made fun of me for it, and I tried to back off on the apparent flirting that was going on. But it was news to me. Anyways, the food was awesome, and not only was it awesome, but they had PBR specials too. I had 2 with dinner, and then got a third as we left. After dinner we left our new friends to head back to the parades.

This is totally the point where the night gets really hazy. We saw Bacchus, which was the one James Gandolfini was in, as was Drew Brees. While waiting for the parade to start, we had to use the bathroom. The closest was Wendy's, so we went in there, but there was a sign that said bathrooms were out of order, so use the porta-potties in the alley. They were sespools of filth, and I've never been more glad to be a dude. At one point when I was in line, I was in line behind this mom and her two little girls. Why you would bring your kids to Mardi Gras, I'm not sure. Muffy pointed out that there was another mother in the alley with one little girl, and she was telling her other child to go to the bathroom between the dumpsters. We thought it would be a little boy, and then out walks another little girl. And that was actually cleaner than the porta-potties. After the parade we went walking to Muffy's favorite bar, which is all the way at the end of Bourbon Street. I think I was drinking at this point, but I have no idea what. I might have gotten another Huge Ass Beer though. While we were at that bar, I might have been drinking, I don't know. Basically all I remember is that we were there for a while, and I apparently was singing or something. Then we left, and Muffy went to meet up with her friends after we got pizza, and the rest of us went home. We passed out at like 2, and then we woke up at 4:45 to catch our shuttle back to the airport which came at 5 to the hotel, and our flight left at 7:40.

There were certain things that surprised me. I said before I was surprised about all of the dudes with video cameras. I saw a chick with a shirt painted on, and she was really proud about it, letting everyone take pictures. I was also surprised by how many strip clubs there were on Bourbon Street.

And let me just say again that open alcohol laws are awesome. Some bars will only let you in if you buy something, which is kind of lame, because if you have a drink they may not let you drink it inside. But it's awesome to be like, oh, I have this open beer, but I want to leave. Oh, hey, I'll take it outside! Oh, let's go into this place. I'll drink this beer. Wait, no, I'll take it inside! New Orleans is fucking awesome. If it hadn't been so cold it would have been even more fun (but slightly harder to remember probably).

So that was the trip. Just about a month and a half until we head out to Vegas.

It's Mardi Gras Bitches!

2007-02-16T14:01:00.000-06:00

Oh man do I have a lot to complain about this week. Like, I finished my recap for TVGasm on Monday night. I had all Sunday to do it, I was just much too lazy.

Anyways, I finished the recap, and I sent an email saying that I was done and it was ready to be published. Well, the email didn't send correctly. I was expecting to see the recap posted Monday night, but it wasn't posted until Wednesday.

Well, I enjoy looking at the comments to see what people have to say. The first recap that I did didn't get such a warm reception, as I was slightly unclear on the rules of the show, and also one dude just thought I was not funny.

Regardless, I think I do a pretty decent job on the recaps. So I saw that my recap was finally posted on Wednesday night, so I was just giving it a glance through to make sure there weren't too many typos or anything, and to look for one of the jokes I put in. I saw that I had a comment, so I checked it, and sure enough, it was the hater hating on me again. He's such a hater.

I mentioned looking up the word loquacious, mainly making fun of myself for not knowing it, and the dude just thought I was stupid. Now, I'd like to make a bunch of snarky remarks back and be really immature about it. Becasuse I am. I'm immature. But, I feel like that would be too easy. And it would be like when Jerry went to heckle that lady who heckled him while she was at work.

So, I don't respond at all. I'd like to even respond in the next recap, because at least I know one person reads it. But, whatever.

Anyways, with all of that off my chest, let's get to what's on notice this week: New this week:

Jim Hendry. He's back on the list. This may be unnecessary, but I really need him to extend Carlos Zambrano's contract. I need him to do me a solid. Now, the reason this may be unnecessary is because Zambrano was backtracking on what he said, saying he'd still negotiate with the Cubs if he didn't get a contract done by Opening Day, and he also said they were close to a 5-year extension. Still, get the deal done Jim.

Work. Not new this week. Seriously though, you're cramping my style. It's Friday, I want to leave, and I could have left after lunch, but nooo, I have to finish an experiment and then stop another one. Bullshit. Cramping my style work. You're on notice.

Firewalls. I guess the firewall has recently become relaxed more because I can now to go With Leather. TVGasm is still blocked though, stupid work bastards. And the other day a link I got from Craigslist was blocked. Make up your mind idiots.

Kelvin Sampson. You and those unoriginal inbreds at IU screwed the Illini out of a win Saturday. Well, you really just coached poorly (surprise!) and your crowd was full of jackassed yokels. So, for you it was just another game. At least it was evidence of your sucking though. That's always fun to see. You're on notice turd.

Cold. Now, you may be thinking I'm complaining about the cold outside. In a way, I am, because holy shit it's fucking cold out. I hate it. But, I came into work on Wednesday and it was 51 degrees in here. Outstanding. Nothing like being afraid of getting sick and then being stuck in 51 degrees all fucking day. Also, I worked until 7 on Wednesday. Fucking awesome. Then I come in on Thursay and it's 50 degrees inside. Fanfuckingtastic. Then, around 11 yesterday, this maintenance dude says he got it fixed and it should be warming up in here. It did a little, then it STOPPED. I come back in this morning and it's 54 degrees. So I've got 2 space heaters today, probably trying to prevent me from suing. Well, I'm not satisfied. You're on notice cold. Seriously, get the fuck out of here.

Snow. Cold and snow each get their own complaint this week. First, snow came on Tuesday and was a pain in my ass. Only about half of the people made it into work, and pretty much everybody left early. On Wednesday it was much better, but not everyone made it in to work again. Now this weekend we're flying to New Orleans. Mother fucking snow is threatening our flight time, and we have a connecting flight that we can't miss. Snow is even threatening my drive up to Chicago, and it's making my parking situation much more difficult. Fucking snow. You're on notice!

Anti-Chief People. I've pretty much said all that I need to say about this today. Fuck you anti-Chief people. You're as hate-filled as you think the Chief is. Pricks. You're on notice.

What fell off this week:

"Super" "Bowls." It's in the past, so I don't care anything about you bastards. Until I fall for the same trick next year.

Megabus. Until you start coming to Peoria (or I move to Chicago, or God forbid, one of the other shitstains of their destinations) I will dislike you. However, because you're doing nothing to cause my hatred of you this week, I will allow you off this list.

So have a good weekend everybody. I'll be back on Tuesday to divulge information about all of the drunken happenings this weekend at Mardi Gras. I hope there aren't too many uggos there.

So long Chief; we hardly knew ye

2007-02-16T09:17:00.000-06:00

I discovered this morning that today is the day that the University of Illinois beloved Chief Illiniwek will unfortunately be retired. We all knew it was going to happen sooner or later because of the jackasses at the NCAA, and we all knew it was going to happen this year, but no one was sure when the Chief would be put to rest.

Let me explain my relationship with the Chief. I didn't go to Illinois, but I'd been a fan of Illini sports since junior high, back when Kevin Hardy and Simeon Rice were terrorizing opposing Big Ten QB's, and back when Kiwane Garris was controlling the Illinois offense. Back when Jarrod Gee was Jerry. I really wanted to go to a basketball game, but I live a solid 2.5 hours from Champaign. Also, my parents weren't alumni, and they probably didn't think it was really worth it to drive 5 hours for 2 hours of entertainment. Well, college entertainment at least. And maybe they were trying to shelter me from the profane chants (not that they happen a lot at U of I games, but it's not like my parents would know anyways).

I ended up going to Illinois Wesleyan University, although one of my best friends went to the U of I. After I went on temporary hiatus from my girlfriend freshman year, my dad asked if I would be interested in going to an Illini game in Chicago. One of his friends had a son who went to U of I, and they were both avid Illini fans. So I went, and this was the first time I'd seen or even heard of the halftime performance. It was something to behold. Also, my best friend was in the Orange Krush, so he was in Chicago and I saw him at the game. He got to go out and stand around the court while the Chief performed. I was in awe. I got chills.

Cut to about a month later, and my friend invited me down for the weekend. He was in the Farm House, so I got to discover (sort of) frat life at U of I before even experiencing it at IWU (I was kind of a turd freshman year). He managed to get me a ticket to the Sunday game of Illinois vs. Michigan State, and I was going to be in the Orange Krush.

I had no idea what I was about to get into. Being such a huge Illini fan, living and dying with the team's performance, and, frankly, swearing way too much for a normal person at my TV while watching games, this was an amazing experience for me. The Illini ended up losing, and they blew their home winning streak that game, as Marcus Taylor lit up the Illini. No matter though, he left after his freshman year, and who knows what he's doing now. Maybe cleaning toilets. Or making millions overseas.

Regardless, at halftime, I actually GOT to run out onto the court and watch the Chief perform. It was amazing to see it so closely, and then to look up at the alumni in the upper decks and see them just as captivated. Again, I got chills. Well, to commemorate the trip, I bought myself a Chief shirt celebrating 75 years of the Chief (which a different girlfriend later bogarted and never gave back).

I ended up dating a girl at U of I for a while sophomore year, so I went to like 3 football games that fall, never leaving before the Chief performed.

And now they're taking the Chief away. I thought it was a ballsy move by the university to keep the Chief around all year after basically being told to get rid of him.

But who exactly is the Chief offending? There is no single tribe that he was based on, and the dance was researched and based on dances of various tribes. Because there is no one single tribe that the Chief can be attributed to, when Illinois was told they must get rid of the Chief, no one tribe could come forward in support, the way that the Seminole tribe did for Florida State.

And what's with uneducated people stepping forward, making Illinois out to be extremely prejudice, hostile and hatefilled? I'm looking at you Bill Plaschke. He wrote an article about how Illinois should get rid of the Chief. Yet he knows little to nothing aside from the name and possibly what the Chief looks like.

So what do the Illini do now that the Chief is gone? Well, they're being extremely classy in removing the dance, keeping the name and giving the symbol to not-for-profit organizations.

Do I agree with this? Under the circumstances, sure. I think it would be better if we could come up with a performance that was legitimately offensive though. I now live in Peoria, IL, hopefully not for much longer, but I'm close to the town of Pekin. The high school was the home of the Chinks. Yes, they were the Pekin Chinks. That is legitimately offensive.

Why not make Illinois the Drunken Irishmen, or the Women's Rights Activists, or the Mexican Laborers? Those are legitimately offensive. But would the NCAA step in and do anything about it?

What the fuck is hostile about the Chief, except for those people who want to get rid of him? Fuck this PC bullshit. I probably wouldn't even care that much, except it's those retarded, ACLU pricks who are probably driving this whole thing. Bring me a legitimate reason Illinois should get rid of the Chief. Is he doing harm to anyone? Washington has the name the Redskins for fucks sake. How is Chief Illiniwek less offensive.

Fuck the NCAA for bowing down to this bullshit, and fuck everyone else who thinks the Chief is offensive. I'll offend you, then we'll see how fucking offensive the Chief is.

Anyways, I can at least be glad that I got to see the Chief perform. So farewell Chief.

Oh, wait, you're right, this is terribly offensive. Look at him, all offensive and stuff. I'm so offended. Jackasses.

These aren't your grandfather's Cubs

2007-02-15T13:44:00.000-06:00

And I kind of wish they still were. Remember back in the good old days of 2003? The Cubs had a pretty decent team and all of Chicago's North Side had high expections for the upcoming season. Unfortunately, 5 outs from greatness, the Cubs stumbled. It happens. It happens to some more than others, but it happens.

Then came 2004. Ok we all thought. The Cubs came really close last year, so with a full season of everyone healthy, the Cubs should be money. Of course, the Cubs made zero to few offseason moves, as is customary under Jim Hendry: follow up a winning season with multiple players having career years, then expect them to duplicate that.

2007 is a new year for the Cubs though. Penny-pincher MacPhail is out as CEO. He was holding us down. The Cubs re-signed Aramis Ramirez, signed the top free agent Alfonso Soriano, brought it at least one adequate pitcher, and an adequate 2nd baseman/RF that we may or may not have needed necessarily.

And now this. The pristine mecca of baseball, Wrigley Field, has been sullied. It is impure, unclean, bogged down by STD's. Wrigley Field is famous for drawing sell-out crowds, despite the on-field performance. The Cubs always make money for the Tribune Co. They're one of the few, if not the only, entities that actually turns a profit for them.

After MacPhail was shown the door, John McDonough was brought in as interim (is he still interim?) CEO. McDonough has no experience as CEO; he's a marketing guy. So, obviously he had to have some hand in this. All of this makes me wonder:

1.) Has this been in the works for a while? The Cubs make money, but have the fatcats in the Tribune Co. just been to greedy and they want more? Was one of the reasons MacPhail was fired because he didn't approve of this deal, and with him out of the way, they could make it? Also, is this the reason why Hendry was able to expand the spending money for Soriano, etc.?

or

2.) Was this just a McDonough as CEO type of deal, where he's more about making the biest profit possible. A winning team brings in more fans which brings more money, and sponsorships bring in more money.

or

3.) Did Hendry spend a lot of money that resulted in the Cubs needing to do this?

In the article the Cubs marketing director fills our heads with propaganda. "Waa waa, the Cubs cost money. Waa waa, Wrigley costs a lot in upkeep. Waa waa, you want top free agents, this is what it costs." I'm paraphrasing obviously.

It's impossible to buy into this type of bullshit. This is the first top free agent that the Cubs have brought in. They gave out their highest contract. They are one of the highest earning teams, and yet they only have a top-10 payroll (last season at least). Last year, following the Derrek Lee deal (in which he got a raise), the Cubs payroll was $99 million.

I can't imagine what this deal actually means for the team. How much moeny are they actually going to see as a result of allowing Under Armour to strip Wrigley Field of basically the purest thing it had (outfield walls)?

In addition, the Cubs are jacking up the prices. The Cubs are, like, the only team that is not privately owned. Therefore, they technically have unlimited spending money. So to argue that they need to do all of this bullshit to be able to maintain Wrigley Field at its current pristine status is useless. We know you've got money, and you finally spend it on fielding a good team. Then you lie about it, and say that signing big contracts means the Cubs need to make money elsewhere. Bullshit.

Remember how it seemed like the Cubs were posturing to be sold? Well, I think this may prove that they aren't. Or maybe they can void the contract if the team is sold. Bring in Mark Cuban and have him take all that shit down. Yeah, doubtful.

So, I don't know if I like where this is heading. On one hand, you've got trying to win, which hasn't really happened. Hopefully we actually will win. That will make the eyesores slightly easier to look at.

Also, just a note, but how shitty does that photoshop look? Real professional Tribune.

Happy Valentine's Day Bitches

2007-02-14T16:58:00.000-06:00

Some things really make me want to go on a massacre. Like naming a holiday after a massacre, and then commercializing it into something that is supposedly about love and whatnot. Ok, maybe I won't go on a massacre, but it is pretty dumb.

Since today is Valentine's Day and I've been having a shitty day thanks to work, I thought I'd just take some of my free time to share with everyone what may have been the worst experience I've ever had on Valentine's Day. Also, I just want to let the record show that I am utterly, utterly alone on this day, and I will probably die alone, never to be loved by anyone. But I digress*. The name will be changed so as to protect the "valentine."

I'd been dating this girl, let's call her Carol (note: I've never dated any Carol and I don't even think I even know anyone with that name), for a couple of weeks. Mainly we would just meet up once out, and then hang out. There was never really anything serious, but Carol was pretty cool, and I thought I'd ask her to go out for Valentine's Day if she didn't have any other plans. I really didn't want to make a big deal of it, but I thought it would be a good way to get to know Carol in a more intimate setting, and maybe let her see a different, sober side of me. This can sometimes be a letdown, because I can be pretty charming when drunk, but again I digress.

So I picked up Carol and we went to eat at this nice Italian restaurant. I was dressed slightly nicer than usual, as this was a nicer place, which meant that I was wearing khakis. We get to the restaurant and there's a wait, so we head to the bar. I was thinking, what the hell, why not get a drink. So I set sail with a Captain and coke. Just one though. I was driving. Anyways, Carol decides to get a glass of red wine. We finish our drinks, and our table still isn't ready. So Carol gets another glass of wine, and I get a beer. Well, Carol doesn't have a super-high tolerance for alcohol. The hostess tells us that our table is ready, so we get up to go. I pick up my beer and go, and Carol goes to pick up her glass of wine, and she spills it all over the back of my leg. On my pants. Khaki pants. Guh. Strike 1.

So we sit down and we're eating or whatever. Obviously, I was paying, and Carol ordered this really expensive steak. On one hand, I'm thinking, awesome, she likes her meat (no double entendre intended. Ok, maybe a little) and on the other hand I'm thinking, wow, did she really have to order the most expensive thing on the menu? But, that's the risk you run when you take a girl you don't know too well out to eat and volunteer to pay. Besides, I already spent money on flowers, so I was just thinking, hell, get it out of your system now because if we start getting serious I PAY FOR NOTHING.

Anyways, we're waiting for our food, me with my stained pants, and Carol is finishing up her second drink. We're making conversation since we've never really been in anything more than just casual conversation. Well, Carol, despite being slightly drunk, is actually bringing up some really good topics for discussion. And I'm wanting to impress her, so I think of the best things to say. I open my mouth at the first break, but before I can even make a sound she starts talking again. We were seriously waiting for 30 minutes for food and I think I managed to squeeze out 3 sentences. Now, I'm all for keeping up conversation when I lag a little bit, but I like being allowed to talk. Strike 2.

Also, during that "conversation," only about 5 or maybe even 10 minutes were actually on topics that I had anything interesting to say. After I realized I wouldn't be able to say anything, I really started to judge her. And then my mind started to wander. Why does she talk so much? Is one of her eyes bigger than the other? Uhoh, she's going in for another drink. Wine isn't cheap. Is she an only child? Damn she talks a lot. Oh, she IS an only child. That makes sense. I wonder if you could quantify how much she loves the sound of her own voice. And when I actually did squeeze in a sentence, forget about getting another word in for the next 10 minutes.

So then the food came, and we ate and luckily there was no real adventure there. Aside from Carol not eating even half of the steak that she got. And she chose not to take it home. I mean, I'm not gonna re-heat steak, but she could have at least feigned that she would.

Anyways, after dinner we go back to my place so I can get a little more comfortable if you know what I mean. And by that I mean so I can change out of my wine-stained pants. So I change and then we're just sitting and watching tv for a while. I ask if she wants to watch a movie. She says she doesn't like scary movies, and she doesn't really like any of the movies I have. But she loved My Boss's Daughter! Do I have that?

Uh, how about we just watch TV instead? I'm flipping through the channels and I don't really see anything. As I'm flipping through I see a particularly funny episode of South Park about Scientology and I want to watch that. And she was like, oh, I hate South Park. I'm closed-minded and I don't really understand satire. Let's watch something that I can understand because I'm simple. What's on TLC?

Strike 3.

Well, I obliged, because I was hoping maybe we could talk more. You know, maybe I could actually tell a little bit about myself. Boy was I wrong. Carol talked about herself for about 2 more minutes, and she did the whole spiel. There was talking about ex-boyfriends. There was talk about baggage. Oh so much baggage. So, so, so much baggage. At this point I'm just thinking, ok, what is the best way that I can get her out of my apartment?

So I do what any self-respecting man would. I go to the bathroom for 25 minutes. I make a lot of loud heaving noises. I come back, looking disheveled, eyes bloodshot from heaving so much (you have to sell it if you're going to make it work), and I tell her that I'm suddenly not feeling so hot, and it has nothing to do with her at all. I ask her if I can just take her home. She's like, well, I could just stay and take care of you. I was like, no, really, I don't know if I'll sleep much tonight, so I'll take you home.

So I took her home, and I never called her back. She called me one other time, and I never returned the call. I think she may have gotten the message. She probably thought it was because I never talked, but maybe it was because SHE WOULDN'T LET ME.

I'm not bitter about it at all.

So that was the worst Valentine's Day I've ever had. Never have I felt more like I wasted an entire night. Well, that might not be true, but I've never felt like I've wasted a night with another person as much.

*Actually, I'm totally cool with being alone this year for V-Day, because I don't have to spend any money.

I hope we don't get a Hendry*

2007-02-13T13:11:00.000-06:00

Yesterday Carlos Zambrano came out and stated that if he didn't get a new contract from the Cubs by the beginning of the season, he would refuse to negotiate his contract any more and he would leave the team at the end of the year, if not at the trading deadline. I absolutely believe he is not bluffing, and I am nervous about Jim Hendry giving the Cubs a Hendry.

A Hendry is a multi-functional verb. It actually has two meanings. The first is just when the Cubs GM fucks over the Cubs by letting a player go in free agency rather than getting something for that player when said player's value was high. See Pierre, Juan. The second meaning is new to this season, and it is when Hendry fucks over the team in the long run because he's about to lose his job and he doesn't care what it takes to win before he inevitably gets fired. So how are we about to get a Hendry now?

Most Cubs fans know about the situation with Carlos Zambrano, but let's just revisit it for a second. Carlos is in an arbitration year, and he's asking $15.5 million. The Cubs, however, are only offering $11.025 million for this upcoming season.

The problem with this is two-fold. First, Big Z doesn't want to get screwed over in what he's making, as he's been underpaid pretty much since he joined the rotation. He's still young and he still has such a huge upside. So, he wants to get paid as close to $15.5 million as he can, which is more than fair. However, I don't think Carlos cares what he gets out of arbitration because he wants a new contract before the beginning of the season, which would either replace the contract out of arbitration (if the two sides can't reach an agreement before February 20th, his arbitration date) or add on to that contract.

So, let's assume that the arbitration hearing is split down the middle, and Carlos earns $13.25 million for the 2007 season. A solid raise from last season. Zambrano's career numbers are 64-42 with a 3.29 ERA, and he's pitched over 200 innings in each of the past four seasons. And he's only going to be 26 this season (I'm no sabermetrician, and I don't really understand those stats, so we'll just keep this analysis simple). Now, the biggest free agent pitcher this past offseason was Barry Zito. Zito will turn 29 this season and is basically making $18 million a season for seven seasons. Zito is 102-63 with a 3.55 ERA. Zito has thrown over 200 innings in his past 6 seasons, and in his first season he didn't get nearly enough starts to come close to that. So durability has never been a problem for him. His ERA is not nearly as good in the past 3 years compared to his first 4 years.

So you could look at Zambrano at $15.5 million as a bargain. Which I believe it is. But the Cubs have also brought in two "starters" (I use the term loosely for Jason Marquis). Ted Lilly was brought in as a starter. Lilly will be 31 this season and was signed for $10 million a year for 4 years. Lilly is 59-58 in his career with a 4.60 ERA, and his highest inning total for his career is 197 (he's been over 170 IP 3 times in his career). Jason Marquis, the worst starting pitcher on the free agent market, and one of, if the THE worst starter in major league baseball last year, got a $21 million contract for 3 years. Marquis is 56-52 with a 4.55 ERA, and he's been near or over 200 innings in the past 3 years. And he's only going to be 29 this season. It would appear based on these statistics that Marquis is actually the wiser signing.

This is why numbers can lie. But, regardless, is Hendry saying that Zambrano is worth only slightly more than Ted Lilly? Not necessarily. Perhaps Hendry thought he had a lot of time left to get a deal done with Zambrano for a contract extension, so they made fiscally wise decision to pay him as little as possible, then reward him with the extension.

But now Zambrano has said he wants a new deal or he's leaving.

So what will Hendry do? Obviously it would be ridiculous to let Zambrano go, suggesting we can't pay him. We just threw $40 million at Ted Lilly, who is obviously a far superior pitcher. If Zambrano hits the free agent market, he will be the best free agent pitcher to have been on the market in years. And the Cubs don't need another Greg Maddux situation.

The question is, will he Hendry us? He's already done all he needs to (supposedly) to build a solid team for this season, and slightly into the future, as the core players are locked up for a while. But another member of that core is Big Z.

I really hope he doesn't Hendry us and he gives Zambrano a contract before Opening Day. I just can't be sure if he will or not. On one hand, Penny-pincher MacPhail is gone, but this is also the GM who passed on Jeff Suppan for Jason Marquis.

I think we can all assume that if Z walks though, Hendry will be out after this season, if he makes it that long.

*I hope getting a Hendry is a phrase that doesn't require catching on, but I proclaim myself the first to use such a phrase, and should it catch on, I own the rights to it. Also, I demand credit for verb "Hendry."

Elevator, elevator

2007-02-12T08:14:00.000-06:00

Illinois got the shaft in the game against the Shiteating Hoosiers on Saturday. That's not to say they didn't partially deserve to lose the game, but all things considered, I really thought that they played hard enough to win the game. We finally saw an Illini team that played nearly all game, but they played their worst down the stretch. However, like Billy Packer (he was the announcer, right) mentioned, I, yet again, have optimism for the team this season. It seems like everything is meshing at the right time heading into the tournament. If we can take a team that is supposedly so dominant at home (and a top-25 team no less) to the wire, we can escape the first round of the NCAA tournament. Anyways, here's what I noticed from Saturday's game. Also, I should note, I really wanted to post a recap of the game directly after the game, but I was so fucking angry. I was a giant ball of rage.

Kelvin Sampson and his coaching staff love cancer. Saturday was the day when the head coaches across America ignored dress codes and wore tennis shoes in support of the Coaches vs. Cancer foundation. At least, that was what Billy Packer explained; I'm not sure if he's to be believed. Regardless, it was for a good cause. But where were Sampson's sneakers? In hindsight, he probably could have approached the situation differently. Why was it his job to wear the sneakers? Why couldn't the sneakers call him? Asshole. (Note: I also saw Thad Matta without sneakers, while I think all of his staff had them on. So, if it's any surprise, Thad Matta loves cancer also. And what kind of a name is Thad? If he name is Thaddeus, he should shorten it to something else. I'd go with Deuce.)

Rich McBride continues to show up, which is really a relief to see, because not many other players do. Warren Carter had a big day, but Chester did nothing offensively, except for miss 3 free throws and have a lot of rebounds and assists, Jamar did little more than make a shot, and Pruitt was ineffective. So, it's good to see someone stepping up consistently. If only Rich could have turned into the Kevin Turner of this team as opposed to just a 3-point shooting off-guard.

Who would have expected to see Marcus Worthless Piece of Shit Arnold actually perform at a Division 1 level? I didn't, that's for sure. I heard IU is offering him a scholarship if he'll take a 5th year of eligibility after that performance. It was good to see him come in and do anything, especially since Pruitt was so ineffective.

And let's get back to Pruitt being ineffective for a second. The reason he did nothing in the first half was because he didn't play. He was called for two touch-fouls, in which he did nothing wrong. He was the victim of a fuck-job by the referees. The referees held a press-conference after the game.

Reporter: So, were you watching a different game on a mini-tv, and then making the calls based on what you were seeing on that tv? Because the calls you made had no relevance to the game you were actually refereeing.

Referee: Nope, no, I'm pretty sure we were watching the game on the floor today and making calls we thought were pertinent.

Reporter: Ok, well, then exactly what kind of excriment is your head filled with where your brain should be? Is it all human excriment, or is there dog excriment, or is it just a mixture?

Referee: No, I'm pretty sure my head isn't full of excriment. Good question though.

I don't understand how you could call two touch fouls on Pruitt, and then Carter leaves with two fouls around 10 minutes in the first half, and then Randle goes out with two around 5 minutes. And Illinois had the lead after the first half! I expected big things in the second half, but luckily the referees put the kabosh on that. Randle picks up his third quickly, then picks up his fourth. Pruitt remained ineffective despite not really getting into foul trouble (I don't think). Meanwhile, calls were not going both ways. I saw Warren get pushed on one play two different times that would have been called on the Illini, yet they weren't called. The refs called it closer down the stretch at least. Randle really fucked up where he fouled out holding that dude's jersey, but what about the push in the back that the dude offered him before Randle held his jersey? Nothing on that? Also, there were two or three times that I noticed Warren, when on offense, going to rebound a ball and he jumped on one side of the basket, but was pushed and landed on the other side of it. Obviously, the referees thought he wasn't pushed, which makes sense, because everybody knows if you jump on the side the ball goes to, you want to end up on the side it doesn't go to. Seriously, the referees were retarded.

But, all that aside, Illinois still should have won this game. At the end, we got fucked over on fouls a little bit, but the main thing was that our offense turned to shit. The problem I see with Chester Frazier is that he can't get into the offense. He'll spend 12 seconds dribbling before he makes a pass. By that point, we've got about 4 seconds to get into the offense or he gets the ball back to isolate for a shot, which he usually misses.

I also have a problem with our inbounds plays. Indiana was running plays and getting shots, but when does Illinois ever score off an inbounds play. There was the play that Carter dunked on on Saturday. Rarely have I seen that against any other team though. And then to take two timeouts at the end of the game Saturday and on one possession you don't get a shot, and on the other the best shot you can get is Rich shooting kind of a pull-up three? In the final three minutes of the game, I think Illinois only attempted something like three or four shots. Actually, it was closer to three if it was that many. That's going to kill you. Especially on the road. The one game we get to the free throw line and actually make them, we end up making turnovers at the end.

One more thing. Pruitt needs to learn to pass out of a double-team. I know it was easier for him early in the season because double teams, when they would come, would come late. But now teams are planning for him. He gets the ball and he's immediately double-teamed. He needs to learn to recognize double teams and if he can't split them (and usually he can't) he needs to kick the ball back out.

So we lost the game, fuck the Hoosiers. But I think there's definitely reason for optimism. First, Jamar's shot finally seems to be coming back around. Second, Brian Randle played a lot of the game, and he played pretty well. He still makes dumb fouls, but his defense is so aggressive. Third, the team finally played an entire game. We know that our defense can carry us against lesser opponents. Now we just need to work on closing out close games, which is something we really haven't had to do. And, we're at 18 wins. We should close the season with at least 22 wins, and our RPI is good enough that it should put us in the tournament. We've defended the home floor, and if we can finish with a win at Iowa, I think that makes us a pretty solid bet for the NCAA tournament. Maybe we can even make a run at the Big Ten tournament.

Getting Pey'd bitches

2007-02-09T14:39:00.000-06:00

Remember that dude who changed his name to Peyton Manning? That's probably the best thing to happen to him in a long time. He's managed to wring like 5 minutes (ok, maybe like 2 or 3) of fame out of that. And, aside from that, he actually had his trip paid for out of Decatur. I wish I got paid to leave Decatur when I lived there. Actually I did once. I had to go to this conference and I got paid for the mileage there and back. That was pretty sweet.

But, there are a number of reasons to get out of Decatur. First, there's the smell. Holy shit what a smell there is. I lived on the far side from ADM (the source of the smell) and there were days when it would start smelling by my apartment. I couldn't ever sleep with my windows open because I was worried about my place reeking of burning soybeans when I woke up. And then I'd never be able to get that damn smell out.

Then of course there's the crime. Oh, the crime. I would regularly turn on the news, of which there was no local station in Decatur (if I remember correctly), and see a story of a murder or something. I lived on a pretty safe end of Decatur. One day a state investigator asked me if I knew someone who used to live in my building (I did not know him).

These are just two of the reasons that getting out of Decatur, regardless of why, is awesome.

So, uh, with that, let's see who's made the list this week:

New to the list:

"Super" "Bowls." So this past week was the Super Bowl, right? Well, my dad told me that he got tickets to the Super Bowl and he asked me to go with him. So we're driving, and I'm thinking that we're headed to the airport. This was of course Sunday morning, but I decided to trust my dad anyways. So we're driving, and we pull into a parking lot in Peru, IL. The building says Super Bowl on it. It's a bowling alley. I doubt this is any sort of a chain of bowling alleys, but I'm sure a lot of clever assholes named their bowling alley this. Well, you bastards are on the list. Super Bowl my ass.

Snow. On Tuesday it snowed probably between 4-6 inches here. Peoria is grossly incapable of clearing snow away. It stopped snowing before 5 on Tuesday night, yet Wednesday when I drove to work, there was still like 2 inches of snow on the road. Just taking the night off people? Regardless, the snow should know to stay away. It was cute when you snowed 2 inches, but cut this bullshit out. You're on notice.

Megabus. I'm not exactly sure what this is, but Chicago is the hub and then it goes to a bunch of cities for relatively low prices or something. Now, it's bad enough that Amtrak doesn't go directly to Peoria, Megabus doesn't either. But, it does travel to a bunch of other major metropolises. Metropoli. Metropoles. Cities like Toledo. I can just imagine that bus being sold out day in, day out. So many people looking to leave the doldrums of Chicago to get back to that sweet center of the world, TOLEDO! Seriously? Toledo? Come on Megabus, you're better than that. You're on notice!

Falling off this week:

President Bush. Meh, out of sight out of mind. I seriously didn't ever hear anything about his visit to Peoria. I just hope at some point I can see it being mocked on national television in some manner.

Indianpolis Colts. We gave you a gift of a shitty football game. You didn't win it, the Bears lost it. And I blame conservative playcalling on all fronts.

This is our country commercial. I definitely still despise you, but since football season is over, I expect to see much, much less of you. Now I just have to deal with that fucking song for the rest of my life, including John Edwards's presidential campaign and the press tour for John Mellencamp. That bastard.

What do I do now?

2007-02-07T08:21:00.000-06:00

Now that my wounds have healed from the Bears loss in the Super Bowl (I'm awfully fickle), it's time to look ahead in this sports year of 2007. The Super Bowl just ended, the Pro Bowl(!) is just a couple days away, pitchers and catchers report in just over a week. But how are you supposed to fill in the spaces? Nobody cares about the Pro Bowl, and just beause pitchers and catchers report doesn't really mean anything. But here's how I plan on filling in the gaps.

1. Major coke/alcohol binge - I have developed a new method of time-travel, patent pending, in which I drink a lot of alcohol and then I don't remember anything when I wake up. So the alcohol would be for time-travel. The coke however, is to make the time (that I won't remember) go faster. Also, I could really use that two week coke-binge to do something good, like clean my apartment 45 times.

2. Watch college basketball - As an Illini fan, it's my job to root for the Illini. It's not so much root for the Illini as dread any sort of loss that will completely destroy their season. Tonight they play at Northwestern. Northwestern is terrible, and yet I'm not confident that the Illini will blow them out, which is what they should do. Following that there are games at Indiana and Iowa. I'm almost positive we'll lose to Indiana but the Iowa game is the real terror. Iowa is a shitty team, and yet they beat Indiana. So I'll be spending this time basically waiting for the Illini to fall apart, while secretly hoping that they don't. Anyways, if you don't have any rooting interests in college basketball, the least you could do is watch every game Texas and Ohio State play, and then draw your own conclusions about the better player to draft would be or why. Or at least watch Kevin Durant's domination of the college game. Your call. Well, the least you could do would be nothing at all.

3. Watch hockey - Hey! They play hockey still. Good for the NHL. I really don't watch hockey, but if you do, then good for you. You can spend this break between popular sports by rooting for your favorite teams. If there's anything I remember from playing NHL 94, it's that the Hartford Whalers were a can't-lose team. I bet they're destined for great things this season as well.

4. Help fix your favorite baseball team - Maybe you're not entirely happy with your team's offseason moves. I've been very vocal on here about how much the Cubs signing Jason Marquis sucks. It sucks so bad. Well, why not help them modify their roster? How can you do this? You can put a hit out on Jason Marquis. If he "mysteriously" doesn't report to spring training, then he can't ruin the team, which he is almost certain to do. This can work for probably just about every team in baseball also. (Note: If you're worried about the ramifications of murder/collusion/attempted murder, you can probably just cut off their arms or something. Anything as long as they can never play again.)

5. The NBA is on! - We're actually just getting to the heart of the NBA season. Well, I actually consider the heart as the playoffs, because that's where everything is really interesting, but we're near the All-Star break, which is a little past the halfway point. There are a number of interesting story-lines to follow. Will Gilbert Arenas be the MVP? Is there any chance anyone can beat the Suns or the Mavericks? Who's the gay Net? Is it Vince Carter? Vince Carter? It's Vince Carter, isn't it? How good of a draft pick will the Knicks get hosed for this year?

6. Kill a hobo - It's not like you actually get charged with anything. Hobos are disappearing all the time. The police don't seem to care. It's a good way to practice your killing techniques too, just in case you ever get in a fight or something. And people say hobos are good for nothing.

So this is just a short list of things I will be doing to pass the time until March Madness, which is really the next great thing in sports that people actually care about.

Doing the Super Bowl the right way

2007-02-06T08:50:00.000-06:00

This was a crazy weekend. I think I did something that I haven't done since I graduated college, and even then I'm not so sure I didn't clearly do it much better. I don't want to give away too much too soon though.

So I pick up Muffy in Bloomington around 5 on Friday afternoon, so I've got a little company for the drive to the city. This actually made the drive much more enjoyable, and we made really good time although it seemed to go pretty slowly. We completely avoided traffic which was awesome. While we were on our way to the city we realized we had no idea where we were staying. I thought we were staying one place, Muffy thought we were staying at another. I think everyone had a different idea of where we were staying. Anyways, we finally got it all figured out. We didn't do much on Friday night aside from not eat dinner, then I started drinking pretty heavily and we watched The Prestige. I give the movie a big MEH. I got drunk, we watched the movie, we went to get pizza, I was forced to watch Grey's Anatomy, I passed out. I also passed out for a while during the movie too. Excuse me for not sleeping well and not eating dinner and getting drunk. Anyways, sidenote: Grey's Anatomy is such a terrible show. And Ellen Pompeo looks like ass. And Sandra Oh! looks like some sort of a mix between a llama and a dog. She's a llama-dog. She walked into a bar and the bartender was like, "Hey, why the long face?"

So, I'm not entirely sure what time we woke up on Saturday. I think it was fairly early. 9:30 or so. That sounds about right. We laid around for most of the morning, and then we finally started getting around. We went to go see Smokin' Aces at 2, and we had yet to have lunch. So that means that Muffy and I didn't have dinner and we didn't have lunch. The movie got over around 4, and then we went to Target. We were there for a while, and we decided we'd make dinner and make tacos. Of course, there's shit for tacos at Target. Also, I fucking hate Target. So then we left and went to Jewel to get shit for tacos. Following that we finally got home and had lunch/dinner whatever you want to call it. One meal for the day. And drinking began during it. So there was much drinking before we headed out at 10 to Belly's. At Belly's we got the $25 special for free drinks from 10-1. I have absolutely no idea how much I'd drank before we went out, but there was quite a bit. So anyways, we got there and I just drank beer the whole night. Well, Brooke showed up around 10:30. We sat around and played asshole for a while, and red/black/high/low, because there wasn't much to do at the bar besides watch the Bulls win and drink. Around 12:45 or so, Brooke said she needed to leave and that she was too drunk to stay any more. She also said she thought she'd be sick if she stayed much longer and was worried about puking in the cab. That was the last I'd heard of her that night. Around 1:15 or 1:30, Muffy wanted to dance, so we all headed to some after-hours bar. That place was skeevy. Is that accurate enough to describe it? Well, we were there until about 3:30 or so, then went home and passed out a little after 4.

Now, I woke up at 10 on Sunday morning. I was still completely drunk. Apparently I opened up a beer when we got home on Saturday night, but I only drank about 2/5 of it. Anyways, I woke up at 10, found out how Brooke's night ended (pukily), showered, opened the first beer at 10:41 and finished it before 11. This is how my Super Bowl Sunday began. We went to Costco and Jewel, and then came back home and started making food. Well, the people who were cooking made it. I just sat around and drank. At 2 we started watching Puppy Bowl 3 and then we played Loaded Questions. I don't remember any specific questions that were mistakes to ask, but I'm sure there were some. Anyways, I bet that the kickoff would not happen before 5:29, and I ended up losing $10 on that. I was sure to go double or nothing during the remainder of the game, but that never happened. I came out even for the day, as I won $25 but lost a $10 bet and paid $15 on squares which allowed me to win $25. So anyways, following the game, most of us were disappointed, but that didn't stop me from drinking. We watched Idiocracy which didn't look very good, although I probably passed out for about 30 minutes of it or so, and then we followed that up with watching Old School. It was like 1:15 or so when we went to bed that night. I eventually stopped drinking when I passed out during Idiocracy, but in no way was I sober when I went to sleep. So I was effectively drunk all day Super Bowl Sunday.

Woke up Monday at 10 again. I was dying of thirst and sober, but I was not hungover in the least. Monday of course was the first time I'd been sober since Saturday. Awesome. At one point in the morning I went to the bathroom in Dumpy's room because someone was in the other bathroom. As I flushed the toilet, I noticed the water rising. Hmm, interesting. Why is it going up when it should be going down? Then it started nearing the edge, and I thought, oh shit. This is bad. You haven't lived unless you've plunged someone else's toilet after not leaving anything behind to clog it, and I was about to live for the first time.

I jammed the plunger in as the water started pouring out. One plunge, two plunges. Nothing. I think in all I plunged four or five times and then the water finally went down. Surprisingly, walking out of someone's bathroom and saying "I need towels; the toilet overflowed" is kind of embarassing. I managed to get the whole thing cleaned up, and because I was so quick on my feet, there wasn't that much to clean up. And then I washed the skin off my hands just to make sure I was clean.

So that's how you do a Super Bowl weekend. You wake up drunk on Sunday and drink all day, then take Monday off. Except, uh, try and make sure your team wins.

Trust me, I don't care what you think

2007-02-06T08:01:00.000-06:00

First day back to work after the Super Bowl. You know what? I'm not happy about it. Probably not a surprise though. Anyways, I've been here less than an hour and I've heard two incorrect opinions about the game on Sunday. And I've read a couple more that, while probably not incorrect, I disagree with. So here's a final wrap-up of the Bears season. And then I'll probably get too depressed and start crying when I finish. Ok, that's gay, I won't.

I do not argue that Rex could have performed much, much better. But I also don't really think he was ever put in a position to succeed following that first TD he threw. How could we consistently end up in a 3rd and long situation every time? Following that first TD he threw, it seemed like the Bears weren't really interested in winning the game. Or scoring. Or staying competitive.

Losing Benson hurt us big time. He's a punishing runner, and he changes the pace from Thomas Jones, who, shouldn't be starting. Well, we saw how ineffective TJ can be when he's the sole feature back. And I thought it was a great coaching decision to stay with an ineffective Jones. I know running early can set up the run later, but it's also nice to run effectively every once in a while. At least Adrian Peterson stayed on the sideline though. I'd rather not have someone at least able to provide a spark.

And what was the deal with the fumbles? Lost snaps, dropped passes. You can't blame the fumbles, aside from the snaps, on Grossman. Basically everything I thought the Bears would excel in they didn't, and everything I expected from the Colts playing in the rain actually happened to the Bears. Not that I think the outcome would have been different without rain necessarily, but whatever.

I'm just really sick of everyone saying that Rex completely cost the Bears the game. We've had this discussion pretty much since the Arizona game. He was the only QB who could have won that game. Not fucking Brian Griese. Maybe Kyle Orton. But with that playcalling, there aren't too many QB's who can win the game. We've seen before that Rex struggles trying to do too much. So let's just let put him in situations where it's easy for him to do too much. That can't end badly at all. Nah.

Fuck that. I've complained about playcalling before, and I'll probably continue to do it. We know Rex can't do everything. But seriously, you think Brian Griese can? Rex was outplayed by Peyton, just like we expected he would be. But who would have thought that the Colts defense would have played so well? Or, perhaps not well, but at least adequately? Not me, that's for sure.

I'm in a hurry bitches

2007-02-02T15:35:00.000-06:00

Not much time today. Let's get right to business.

New this week:

President Bush. I don't know if you know this or not, but Peoria is kind of a big deal. President Bush was here this week to promote economics or something. I heard absolutely nothing about his speech. However, twice I had to leave and come back. Well, once I had to. I was on my way back to work and there are 3 possible bridges I can cross. Well, all 3 bridges I could cross had been closed, even though only two of those bridges were especially close to where the King of the Free World was. So I had to go 20 minutes out of my way just so I could get back to fucking work. The President. Speaking about economy. Yet keeping me from work. You may be thinking, "20 minutes out of the way isn't that far. Quit bitching." Well you've got some nerve. And when it increased your trip by about 400%, that's a big deal. So fuck you Mr. President. Also, I should have written a post mocking him while he was a mere half mile away. That's probably as close as I ever get to him, unless he presides over my execution at some point in the future. But I digress. So for keeping me from work, the President makes the list this week.

Cold. Winter has been replaced just by frigid fucking cold. The high is about 7, the wind chill is about -10. Why the fuck did I choose to not just move to Florida or something? I absolutely despise cold. And it's at least going to last all fucking weekend. So fuck you cold. You think I can't handle this? I can. But just because I can doesn't mean I want to. So you suck cold. Get the fuck out of here. You're on notice!

In the interest of time, I'm going to skip what fell off the list. And more explanations. Just go back and read last week's if you care to. Next week I should remember and not be an idiot about doing this though.

What I would do for Super Bowl weekend

2007-02-01T09:34:00.000-06:00

Obviously, I've never been to Miami, and I obviously don't have tickets to the Super Bowl because I don't have that kind of money. Instead I get to stay in lovely (read: miserable) central Illinois, soaking up all of the overcast, 6 degree days. I know, you're jealous.

But there are some lucky bastards out there who are going to the Super Bowl. They're going to be in Miami for the entire weekend, or possibly they've been there for the entire week. But they have absolutely no idea how to spend their time. So this is my gift to all of those ungrateful assholes lucky enough to be in Miami. Here is how you should spend your time there.

1. Hit the bars in all white. You never know when you're going to be at a bar and Diddy will walk in. He owns Miami. Now, say you're at some little podunk sports bar that's completely empty, and you're the only person there in all white. You'll feel like a jackass, right? And then who walks in? Diddy. And he'll see you and he'll immediately want to party. Trust me. If I know Diddy, which I don't, that is exactly what would happen.

2. Try the coke. I hear that there's cocaine all over Miami. If you don't try it, it's like you're missing out on a time-honored tradition. And, as I learned this morning while listening to Sports Bloggers Live from Tuesday, you want to make sure and get the shit that isn't cut with bleach. I would totally try the coke if I was there. I'm pretty sure I could do it and not even get addicted to it. And, hell, even if I did get addicted, I could use a little variation in my life, and I think a crippling addiction to cocaine could be just the thing I need. Unfortunately, I'm not in Miami, so I'll just have to live vicariously through everyone else.

3. Find a celebrity and harass the hell out of them. Everyone's in Miami for the Super Bowl. There are your biggest sports stars, celebrities who love to party, etc. I'm sure it wouldn't be hard to find one. Just wait outside of a popular bar, again, dressed in white (on the off chance that they don't let you in, but come on! You're dressed head to toe in white!) and when a celebrity/sports personality walks out, just follow them. Oh, sure, they may act like they're not interested in talking to you, but you know they totally are. They may even get 'restraining orders,' whatever those are, or call the police, or have their bodyguards/entourage beat you senseless, but trust me. They want you to fawn over them and they love the attention.

4. Befriend a celebrity. Of course not everyone in Miami is on top of the A-list. You're probably going to find a bunch of D-list celebrities, and lower, and they're going to be getting turned away from bars, and they're going to be buying their own drinks. Losers. This is where you come in. You tell them how much you respect their work, and how you think that they totally should have gotten that role that they read for in whatever piece of shit movie is popular and maybe they should fire their agent. You may have to listen to a bunch of bullshit, but it will be worth it. Why? Because chicks love celebrities. Any celebrities. If they even look like they might be semi-famous, or even look like they might be semi-famous, chicks, especially drunk, love celebrities. So maybe if you're lucky you'll your new celebrity friend will toss you some of his scraps. On second thought, maybe this isn't such a good idea. I mean, you've got your self-respect, right? Well, if you don't, then do this.

5. Hit up the Spring Hill Nursery. Why you ask? Well, if you are a loser and went to Miami for 'family fun' or to do something stupid like go look at flowers, then this is the best place you can go. Sure it's not technically in Miami, but it's probably close. Also, you should probably go here because if you end up in Miami, Ohio, and you're thinking you're going to see the Super Bowl, you're a retard and may want to consider killing yourself.

6. Hit up the Calder Race Horse Track. If you've been morning Barbaro, as I'm sure many, many people are, this is a great place to go and pay your last respects. Also, it's a good way to gamble on something. Since there's obviously nothing else going on in Miami this weekend that you could gamble on. Nope. Not a gambling hotspot this weekend. Not at all.

So I suggest you take my advice on how to spend your time wisely in Miami. Also, you may want to bring along a sober friend, because while you're drunk and/or coked out of your mind, you may not remember much except things that aren't happening, like being attacked by spiders. Be sure to take a lot of pictures, and get as many phone numbers as possible for "networking" as well. And never be afraid to look like a jackass, because, you know, you couldn't possibly look like a bigger jackass than most of a people who live there.

Continuing their reign of underwhelmtion*

2007-01-31T08:16:00.001-06:00

I didn't watch the first half of the Illini game last night, except for a couple minutes here and there. I was really hoping they would come on at 6 and then I could watch the entire game. Anyways, I'm not sure how the first half went, so I'll just have to assume I know how it went. Shittily. So I'm going to base my opinion of the game purely on the second half that I watched.

First, another poor, poor output on offense. We would have scored in the 60's if we could have made some fucking free throws, but in general I was very underwhelmed. I get really sick of watching the players just stand around while Chester dribbles the ball, only passing it around the backcourt while players are getting great position down low. Then with ten seconds left Chester creates and throws up a shot that's pretty ugly, but last night it was going in. That's not offense. That shouldn't be considered a reasonable option. It's not.

And why can't we make any fucking free throws? Do we not practice it? This is the second year in a row where we've been terrible from the free throw line. And we're LAST in the Big Ten this year in it. We should never be last in anything in the Big Ten, unless they keep a statistic called sucking. We can be last in that. And has anyone else noticed Shaun Pruitt's practice stroke he takes while he's at the line? I sure have. He never uses his legs when he does his practice stroke, but then he's obviously using his legs when he shoots actual free throws. Seriously, should I just coach the team?

I think the players on this team in general just have a terrible basketball IQ. I think that might be part of the reason why the Illini can never close out games. I would like to reiterate that I don't see the point of fighting through a screen along the baseline, because by going under it, you can basically pin your man in the corner and get in the passing lane. Yet the Illini continue to do it, and they continue to get burnt on it. But I just think in general that as the game goes on, the other team is able to make adjustments to what the Illini do, and that is how they go on runs. Meanwhile, the Illini don't seem to make the adjustments and they make the same mistakes late in the games that they make early in games. I mean, we just saw it two times in a row last night where Neitzel was coming off of screens and got a three. Part of that is on the coaching staff to help these guys realize the adjustments they need to make, but I think a huge part of it is just that the basketball IQ isn't there.

I can't really speak about a whole lot of good things about the game last night because I didn't see much. I was glad to see Chester scoring and shooting with more confidence, but I'm pretty sure it was just because it was a home game. Maybe I'm wrong and he has a great ability to forget about the previous game, but I don't thinks so.

Also, it's not like this was a great win for us. This was a win we needed, but we didn't beat their brains out, even though we probably should have after only giving up 17 points in the first half. MSU was coming off a huge high after nearly beating OSU at OSU, and this was their second road game in a row. They were pretty much set up for a let-down game.

I pretty much think the Illini backed into this win, kind of the same way that we backed into the Indiana win. This win doesn't leave me feeling confident about anything other than the fact that we'll probably play the rest of the home games this way: build a big lead, then give it up down the stretch, then we may or may not hold on to win.

We might as well be Purdue since we're only about 50/50 to win anymore games on the road.

So now the question is, even if we get that 10-6 or 9-7 record in the Big Ten, do we have a chance to get into the NCAA tournament hanging our hat on a win at a neutral site during the non-conference, and then winning at Minnesota, but defending (mostly) at home? And then even if we do make the NCAA tournament, is there any chance that we make it out of the first round?

I don't mean to sound all pessimistic, but this is what was running through my head at the end of the game last night. I'm just too used to watching this team blow games down the stretch to think that anything good can come from it, regardless of what (if any) tournament we play in at the end of the year.

I sure hope this team can prove me wrong with a vengeance.

*It's a word, look it up.

I think I'm going to the dark side

2007-01-29T10:13:00.000-06:00

Well, what a game the Illini had on Saturday afternoon. I didn't know if they would be able to maintain their high level of play after beating the Hoosiers at home, but they sure proved me wrong. Yep. No let down whatsoever.

I don't know what the deal is with the Illini any more. I'm sick of trying to figure it out. First, granted, they played on the road against a Purdue team that is apparently unconscious playing at home. That same Purdue team lost to Minnesota on the road. So it's hard to say whether or not the team just plays lights out at home, or if they're an actually better team than the Illini. But here's what I saw from the game.

How does Illinois come out so terribly on offense? While I can argue all I want that they weren't getting any calls for the first 10 minutes of the first half, that doesn't mean anything. They managed to get Landry into foul trouble early. Then the calls were called either evenly or actually in the Illini's favor for the rest of the game. Purdue just had the intensity and no one on the Illini did. How we come out and lack the ability to match intensity with a team who should be inferior is beyond me.

What is Chester's problem? He's never been afraid to shoot from the outside in past games, but recently his shot has stopped falling. But how immasculating must it be to not even be guarded unless you're within about 15 feet of the basket? And not only that, he didn't even make Purdue play at all. He would just stand behind the three-point line, trying to decide if he should shoot or not, then pass the ball. He wasn't being guarded, he could have been slashing to the basket during ball reversal or something. And while his intensity on the defensive end was useful at times, at other times it worked against him. I seriously don't know what the deal is with him, but he needs to pick it up. Big time.

Also, why could no one defend Teague? He's got a quick, pretty accurate shot, yes. But look at where you are on the floor before you try to fight through a screen. There were a number of times when Teague was curling around a pick only to have the Illini defender follow him through it. But the majority of the time, the pick was occurring below the free throw line, which would have meant that the only place he could have gone to get his shot, if the defender went under the pick, was to the corner. And that's an extremely difficult pass to make for anyone. Plus, they would have had to lob it over the defender/screener anyways, allowing time for recovery. Where was the defensive adjustment to recognize that though? Probably about 60-75% of the time Teague was defended pretty well, but he made his shots when he needed to.

The one lone spot in the entire game, at least in my opinion, was Rich McBride' s aggressiveness. It's about fucking time we saw the player we all expected to be seeing at the beginning of the year. It was like he realized that no one else was doing anything on offense, and he managed to get to the rim a couple of times. Well, maybe not the rim, but he attacked the basket and made a couple shots inside the three-point line. In addition to that, he got to the free throw line a couple times as well.

However, that was the one lone spot. I know I've been an avid supporter of Bruce Weber for a long time. Right when we first hired him, I was tentative, then we were 3-3 in Big Ten play his first season, I thought it was a mistake. But since then I've not had a problem with him. I even thought his recruiting was sufficient. However, I may be starting to change my tune. It's not to say I think Bruce is a bad coach, because I don't think he is. And I'm not sure he's a bad recruiter. But with all of the young, up-and-coming coaches in Division I these days, think of all the good recruits we could be getting in addition to the solid coaching. Could we make a mistake and bring in a shitty coach who rode one good team to success? A Lon Kruger of the 2000's if you will? Absolutely. And that would suck. But this team should be in a much different state than it is currently in.

Before I was thinking that Illinois would have a cake-walk through the rest of the Big Ten season, but now I don't think so. If teams defend their home floor the way Purdue did, then we're screwed. However, if they defend their home floor the way MSU or Michigan did (both games we should have won), we may have a chance to finish fourth and make the NCAA.

After Saturday, and with Arizona getting the shit beat out of them by UNC, I'm not sure it matters where we end up playing at the end of the year. It's not going to be good enough.

You're on notice bitches (if you're on this list)

2007-01-26T14:11:00.000-06:00

I used to be really busy. Seriously. I had no time whatsoever to do a lot of the things I used to enjoy, like watching TV. I wouldn't know what I was doing any given weekend until Thursday or possibly even Friday. That pretty much changed when I became single living in Peoria. I had all kinds of free time. Especially over the summer, my life began revolving around TV. It happened gradually, so I didn't really notice it. It started with Thursday nights too. Watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia was the most important thing of the the week. More important than work.

Well, anyways, as I was sitting on Monday night, working on my recap for a show that's on on Sunday nights, I was realizing: I don't have as much free time any more. It's amazing how one or two responsibilities took so much of my time away.

So from here on out, I'm shirking all responsibilities. My baby mamas are not going to like that.

Speaking of not liking that, let's find out who's on notice this week:

Additions to the list this week:

Yahoo Mail. For some reason Yahoo, excuse me, Yahoo! Mail has been acting completely stupid since Wednesday. Since I do most of my work through Yahoo Mail, you can imagine how difficult it makes my job. Ok, so maybe I don't use it for work email, but I am on it a lot throughout the day, and it basically makes web navigation impossible. 'Why, I have new mail? Why let's check out the inbox and see who it's from. Uh, come on you slow piece of shit. Ok, cancel that. Let me go to another page. Oh, that's not gonna work either? Outstanding.' Fuck you Yahoo Mail. Get that shit worked out. Until then, you're on notice!

Kelvin Sampson. No, this isn't an addition. But we beat his brains out. While that's also not entirely accurate, he did lose, and the Orange Krush got a bunch of quality chants in. Fuck you Sampson. Go back to your underachieving Oklahoma program and your NCAA recruiting sanctions.

Firewalls! So I was doing my normal web-surfing during some downtime on Wednesday morning (I think) and I made my way to TVGasm. Then I went back, closer to 11 or so, and sure enough, it's now blocked. This is great, because now that I, you know, write something for the site I can't even get to it while I'm at work. Not only that, I can't go to a number of other sites. For a while, it was impossible to check Myspace profiles, but I could go to my homepage. That has since been unblocked. I can't to go With Leather any more either. WHICH IS A SPORTS BLOG. So, thanks to people using clever domain names, I get screwed out of going to them because the company I work for is run by a bunch of Ebays, Intertube hating jackasses. So firewalls, Fuck. You. You're on notice.

Indianapolis Colts. So now you're taking on the Bears in the Super Bowl. Apparently your quarterback isn't the choke artist that he's been in the past, which is good for him. Also, you're 7-point favorites, which I'm totally cool with. You're more than welcome to be the favorite because the Bears do much better when they're not expected to win. Just as the Saints. You think you're going to be able to play that well when you're not in the RCA Dome and your fans aren't going to be able to control the noise level? Fat. Chance. Also, I don't care what you think, but our coach was the first African-American coach in the Super Bowl. Who cares if Tony Dungy is a copycat?

Off the list:

Money. I still don't have enough of it, but Yahoo Mail was making me way more angry this week.

Winter. It was only supposed to be like 29 here today and it was 44 when I came back from lunch. So you get a temporary reprieve winter. I'm still keeping an eye on you though.

Bill O'Reilly. Apparently he had a body language expert on his show to discuss his appearance on the Colbert Report. I guess I don't really have a joke or anything for this. But anybody who buys into body language experts is not worthy of being on notice. They're too simple.

Really? Decision-maker?

2007-01-26T11:43:00.000-06:00

Now I try not to get too uppety about politics because I don't know that much about it. I know what I don't like. I don't like people lying to me, passing the bill, or being treated like I don't understand the complications behind certain military actions. For instance, if you caught the Daily Show last night, you would have noticed that Dick Cheney flat out denies being wrong. EVEN THOUGH THERE IS EVIDENCE. I hate that shit.

But anyways, it looked as if once this Democratic Congress got elected that the president was changing his tune and would be open-minded to working with the Democrats. Well throw that out the window.

In a move that could only be considered confusing at best, Bush said that he is the "decision-maker" on the number of troops we send to Iraq.

I do not even know if he understands how the political process works. I really don't think he does. It appears that he thinks he can just strong-arm Congress into doing whatever the hell he wants, and it just doesn't work that way. He probably thinks he's more of a dictator.

Congress will have to approve whatever he proposes. And just by naming himself 'decision-maker' isn't going to influence their thoughts one way or the other. So, in all actuality, he's not even close to the decision-maker.

But you have to love his midguided insistence otherwise.

How to get Bears Super Bowl tickets

2007-01-25T10:30:00.000-06:00

Some people may be getting tired of the fuss that fans in Chicago are making about the Bears going to the Super Bowl. Well, I'm not, but I could understand if those non-Bears fans outside of Chicago were getting tired of it. During baseball season, Chicago is divided up into Cubs fans and people who for some reason like the team on the south side of Chicago. So the Bears allow all of Chicago's fans to come together. And Chicago has been desperate for a championship since the great Bulls dynasty of the mid-90's. And you know that White Sox fans are especially desperate since the World Series was cancelled in 2005, resulting in both the Astros and the Sox becoming losers.

But the Bears are back. And with the possibility that this could be the last Bears team to make it to the Super Bowl for a while, fans are trying to do whatever they can to get tickets. People like this dude, a car salesman who will give away any vehicle up to $15,000 for 4 tickets. Or there's this contractor who will install hardwood floors for free.

I don't think these people are going far enough. I don't even think this person is going far enough, but they have the right idea. So it is with that in mind that I would like to list my suggestions for how you should go about getting Super Bowl tickets.

Body Parts - As I said, the person who would give away their kidney for a ticket had the right idea, but I still don't think it's going far enough. What about both kidneys? A kidney and a liver? Appendages? I think at least there should be a two organ minimum if you're going to trade something for a ticket to the Super Bowl. If not, you're just not desperate enough. Or you could just let them harvest your organs when you die. Some people may be too shortsighted for this though.

"I should be a bargaining chip"

Sell your child into slavery - Now I don't have a kid, but I think if I did, and I was that desperate for tickets, I would sell my child into slavery. I think that they would do the same thing to me if our roles were reversed. Of course, some people may not be satisfied with the amount of work a child would do. So you can also sell yourself into slavery. But, be sure to remind them, that a child will get bigger, and will probably be a much better slave than you would ever be.

Sell your body for sex - This one would be an easy one for me. Although you would have to come to an agreement about for how long you would be whoring yourself out. Also, you may want to decide how ugly you're willing to allow yourself to be sold to. The more desperate you are, the uglier you'll go. You also need to decide if you're going to allow yourself to be sold to a member of the same sex. Once you make the decision though, there's no going back. Also, ladies, you may want to bring in one of your friends for help. Not that I condone that sort of thing though. (Note: I totally condone it.) And please ladies: no uglies.

Sell your soul - Now with this one you have a couple of different options. You could write that you sold your soul through a binding contract, and just do it that way. Then, whoever holds the contract holds your soul. Of course, if you do that, you may be holding out hope that your soul really isn't in the contract, and that you still have it. Well, I've got some bad news for you. Or you could just sell your soul. I think I know someone who would be interested.

Commit a crime - You know that everyone thinks about committing crimes, but they're too scared to do it. That's where you come in. Say someone's been conspiring to kill their boss or their co-worker or something. And they just happen to have tickets to the Super Bowl. You take the tickets off their hands, kill the person and destroy the evidence, piece of cake. If, of course, you should happen to be caught, it is up to your discretion whether or not you give their name up to the police for making you kill someone.

So it should really be easy to get tickets to the Super Bowl if you want them. You just have to want them bad enough.

Cram it up your Hoosiers*

2007-01-24T10:33:00.000-06:00

Last night was a very important win for this Illini team. I don't think that's a surprise to anyone. However, I think this could be a game that will (hopefully) be the turning point game that I hoped the Minnesota game could be (but wasn't). So here are my thoughts on the game last night.

First, it Orange Krush was awesome. I thought maybe the only thing that would happen was that they would boo Simpson** and that would be it. But damn was I sorely mistaken. The chants as old Cal*** walked out of the locker room of 'Call me Kelvin' were hilarious and poignant. I really also appreciated the 'Don't call us; we'll call you' chant while Wilmont or whatever his name is was trying to shoot his free throws. And finally when he was getting booed like crazy during his interview right before halftime was awesome. The Krush brought their A-game. And it was all insulting to the coach and not to the players, which I found particularly classy. It was much more classy than I would have been.

Now to the game. You could tell that Bruce Weber wanted to win the game because he was all up and down the sideline on the bench. He was screaming, pointing, arguing, pouting, and calling out plays and directions. This team has had a tendency to just kind of fall into a lull, and I think this might be the best way that Weber can offset that.

In the first half the defense started out pretty slow. D.J. White was hitting, other players were hitting, and Illinois was slow to rotate. They picked it up though, and Indiana stopped making anything. To be able to shut down any team for over 10 minutes without a field goal is a credit to any defense, and also our rebounding prevented second shots from close range. It was too bad that our offense was sluggish, otherwise we may have been able to not only come back to tie the game but pull away.

Rich McBride was pretty impressive last night. I'll admit I was all over him at the beginning of the season. I think it was fair too, because he blew. Hard. But now his defense is continually improving and he is shooting the ball with confidence. And if he makes his shots, I don't care where he shoots them from. He is still a liability passing the ball occasionally, which should be one of his stronger points, since he's usually passing it anytime he's not wide open. But it's not. However, he makes his free throws, and last night he even made a shot or two inside the three point line. Overall I was impressed.

Both Shaun Pruitt and Warren Carter were monsters on the boards. A number of times we held the Hoosiers to just one shot on a possession because of their ability to rebound the ball. And I don't know if the Hoosiers just had a small lineup or if none of their guards ever went in to rebound, but it seemed like on every possession either Carter or Pruitt was pulled down a rebound. I know Carter only had six, but it seemed like he was pulling down big rebounds at the end of the game a lot.

I liked seeing Carlwell get some action last night, but I did not like seeing Marcus Arnold get into the game before Carlwell. Why must we continually play Marcus Arnold. He is a waste. I wouldn't say Carlwell is a liability on the defensive end, as he helped cause (I believe) two steals last night. On the offensive end, he's at least tall and has pretty soft hands. Arnold has nothing. He's undersized, can't jump, can't rebound, can't really defend, except for his wide base. I just don't understand the thinking here.

I really like Chester Frazier's intensity, but I have a question. Well, I guess I have two questions. First, why can he not shoot free throws? He wants to be a point guard, he needs to be shooting 1000 free throws a day. He just looks terrible at the line. Second, when the game is going to come down to free throws, I appreciate that he wants the ball in his hands. But can't he give it to someone who is money from the free throw line? We had Rich McBride, Jamar Smith and Warren Carter all perfect from the line last night, yet Chet refused to pass the ball to them and took the foul himself. He did make the front of of a bonus last night (twice, I think), but he was 3-7 from the free throw line. There comes a point when you need to make the decision that's right for your team, and as a point guard, if he can't shoot free throws he should be able to get it to someone who can. In addition to that, what was the deal with just having the ball taken right away from him as he was basically dribbling right in some dude's face. His passing can be kind of lazy too. I like having him on the floor, he just really needs to focus and make the right decisions.

There was a stretch in the second half where I was pretty sure we were trying to give the game away, but we managed to come back strong. Once we got up by 8, we never led by less than 4 the rest of the way out. I think this game could help us to keep intensity in the second half when we have a lead.

So now we're 3-4 in the Big Ten. We benefit greatly this season by not having to go to Wisconsin or Ohio State, so we're done with them. And, personally, I think the refs screwed us out of the Wisconsin game, not so much with fouls called against us, but by not giving us baskets on various plays. Regardless, we're done with those teams, and we've already played Michigan and Michigan State on the road. We should be able to win out with the schedule we have left, and if we lose, I see only two potential losses coming at Purdue and at Indiana. We've already shown we can beat the Hoosiers, so hopefully we'll have Brian Randle to help drive the point home in Bloomington.

If we go 11-5 in the Big Ten, we're in the NCAA tournament. If we go 10-6, I think we're still in. If we go 9-7, I think it's close. But I see no reason to believe that we can't at least go 7-2 in the final 9 games.

*I'm pretty sure this doesn't make sense as it is. However, since I think of the Hoosiers as assholes, you can just substitute assholes and make it work.

**I know his name. It is out of pure disrespect and contempt that I misspell it.

***Ditto. I loathe him.

You kiss your, uh, kids with that mouth?

2007-01-22T15:00:00.000-06:00

Shortened weekend in Chicago, and it was actually supposed to be pretty low-key, as we really wanted to avoid spending as much money as possible. But there was no way that I could not go to the city to repeat the events for last week's Bears game, lest I anger the football gods resulting in a Bears loss. That was not something I wanted on my shoulders, so obviously I was going to Chicago for the game.

So anyways, I got to the city around 6 on Saturday night. I went to get beer as soon as possible so I could keep the evening as cheap as possible. So, I'd had probably something like 8 beers before we went out (wow, did I really have that many?) around 10:30 or 11. We went to this bar and I have no idea what its name was, but we stayed for approximately 10 minutes before leaving.

Here is where the night took a turn into the bizarre. We had already planned on going to the Hange Uppe, which is somewhere we never go. Of course, there is a reason for not going there. They play a lot of 80's music there, and sometimes you can be in the mood for that, which is fine. I've been there before. But a lot of the time the crowd there is less than desirable. So it's good to go if you're pretty trashed.

Anyways, we walk in and we go downstairs, which is where they play the 80's music. First we go the closest bar to get drinks. I think we were pretty much all under the assumption from the moment we walked in that none of us were drunk enough to be there. But, it was our choice regardless.

The air was thick with B.O. Or feet. Or puke. Or perhaps a mixture of all of them. With our drinks all in hand, our group (there were 5 of us, 3 dudes, two ladies) made our way to an open area on the dance floor. This area also happened to be directly in front of the stage area, where a group of uglies was dancing when we walked in, but they had been replaced by a group of women in their late 30's to mid 40's. Well, soon enough, we found out the most likely reason that this particular area of the dance floor was open.

We make our way to the spot, and before all of us even get there, Dumpy is grabbed by one of the ladies on stage and given a kiss on the lips. Immediately after that, the lady next to her grabs Dumpy and kisses him on the lips. While that was going on, the first kisser grabbed the Balsan and gave him a kiss on the lips and tried to shove a piece of ice (and probably her tongue) into his mouth. Following that, one of them grabs Muffy and starts going in for a kiss before Muffy pulls away and hides behind me. She wanted none of that apparently. Then, anywhere between like 5 and 45 seconds passes and then finally one taps Toots on the shoulder and asks her to go up there for a kiss as well, but she apparently wanted none of that. I mean I don't understand why.

The entire time, there I'm standing, not too far from the stage, but I'm watching all of this happen and I'm also trying to avoid eye contact with any of these ladies who might grab me and try to kiss me. And you know what? Not one of them tried at all. So, uh, that's not spirit-breaking or anything. I mean, these older, probably drunk ladies grabbed the two dudes and then the two chicks, and then didn't even bother giving me a passing glance. It was like they made the conscious decision. They looked at me and thought, "You know what, we're drunk, but even we have standards for who we'll randomly kiss on the lips while at the Hange Uppe dancing to 80's music." And I think that's what hurts most of all.

Well, as I tried to put the pieces of my life back together following that horrible rejection for the rest of the night, there wasn't too much of note that I can remember. I'm not exactly sure what time it was that we left, but we ended up going to El Burrito, where we hadn't been in a long time. I remember at various times throughout the night pointing out that I had no cash and opening up my wallet to prove it. Then I made various phone calls throughout the night and attempted to play "Hey There Delilah" while on the phone and drunk, but, surprisingly, it didn't work out so well. We'll just assume that it was because we couldn't remember the words and that was the only thing wrong with it though.

Anyways, that was pretty much where the night ended. Shortly after the abridged version of the song we got off the phone and passed out. Following that was the AWESOME Bears game on Sunday, and that's just about it.

The Bears are in the Super Bowl, so it was a super fucking awesome weekend.

Hey, remember the Cubs?

2007-01-22T14:17:00.000-06:00

I've taken a little bit of a break from the Cubs lately, as basically there has been absolutely nothing going on. And as exciting as nothing can be, I just haven't really cared much. But, it appears as if something may actually be happening again. That's right, I've got speculation!

But first, this weekend was the Cubs Convention. I of course have never been to this, as sinking that much money and being around that many crazy Cubs fans unless it's in Wrigley Field. Plus, I also would get really bored standing around in line all the time. But, I was reading up on it at Goat Riders of the Apocalypse, and I saw one really awesome thing from the Q & A sessions with Lou Piniella and Jim Hendry.

In response to the insinuation that Rothschild deserves blame for the failings of the pitchers last year, Piniella responded with: "You can't blame a pitching coach for that. You can't blame a strength coach for that. You can blame a manager if he allows a guy to go out there and throw 100, 145 pitches consistently, and all of a sudden he breaks down, and that won't happen."

Then, later, Hendry said "[Larry isn't responsible] for who comes in in the seventh - that's the manager's call."

Goatriders goes on to question why we retained Dusty Baker as manager, but that's beside the point. The point is that, finally, someone is willing to pin blame on someone who actually had the most responsibility for the sucktitude of the pitching staff and all of the arm problems over the years. Imagine if, say, Mark Prior hadn't been rushed back from injury, or Kerry Wood hadn't been rushed back from injury, and once back they didn't throw so many pitches.

I remember a post I made a while ago in response to an article in the Tribune about how so many pitchers had gone on the DL this past season. I believe it was right after Carlos Marmol went on the DL. Dusty was quoted as saying something about the problem being that the pitch counts were too high. But he refused to accept responsibility in setting pitch counts or anything. Also, Marmol would have been an obvious one to need a pitch count because he used to be a fucking catcher! It's common sense, something obviously lacking under Dusty Baker.

So, this could be yet another positive of bringing in Piniella as our new manager. First, pitch counts. This will be especially important with our young pitchers. I'll admit that I was pissed off about the low pitch counts that Kerry Wood had imposed on him during his rookie year. But, in hindsight, think about if he'd had those low pitch counts and didn't end up requiring surgery any of the times he's had it. Or at least one of the times. Imagine what kind of pitcher he could have been if Dusty had kept a closer eye on what was going on. And also consider how lucky we are the Zambrano's arm hasn't fallen off.

In addition to that, hopefully Piniella's rules will force the pitchers to work closer with Rothschild. I'm not expecting Rothschild to be a savior or anything of the sort for terrible pitchers like Jason Marquis and, well, Jason Marquis, but at least maybe the young guys can learn a little something. And if they can't learn from Rothschild, maybe at least Rich Hill can help them. I also want to point out that it can't be a bad thing that Piniella speaks Spanish.

Now for the rumors that have recently started swirling. Well, recently in some cases. First is that Cliff Floyd is, a month later, still close to signing with the Cubs. Apparently he's also gotten some interest from a couple other teams. He's probably just waiting for an offer from the Cubs, and if he doesn't get one, which he probably will, he'll move on. I'm hoping it's been made pretty clear to him however that he'll only be a fourth outfielder. Of course, I'm fine with having his bat on the bench, but I'd prefer our fourth outfielder to be, you know, a good fielder as well. I guess you can't have it all though. It seems as though Piniella likes Murton, so it's at least good to know that Jones shouldn't steal too many AB's from Big Murt.

One crazy rumor is that the Cubs may have had discussions about bringing in J.D. Drew. His deal with the Red Sox still hasn't been finalized, and maybe he's getting sick of waiting and not getting the money he thought he would get. At this point I think we could bring him in for maybe 2 years. That would allow us to get rid of Jacque Jones.

Speaking of the Jacque, I've read various things about him being ok with staying in Chicago, even though it was reported earlier that he wanted out. So he may or may not be on his way out and he may or may not want out. But, Soriano has given his approval for a move to CF, so we could either keep Jones in right or move him to center, whichever works better. I personally think I like Soriano a little better in right, but I don't really care a whole lot. I just want the season to start.

Speaking of, less than 1 month until pitchers and catchers report. Awesome.

Super Bear down

2007-01-22T11:32:00.000-06:00

What an amazing game for the Bears yesterday. At the beginning of this season, I actually never thought that the Bears would seriously make the Super Bowl, although, of course, it was something I was hoping for. It's just that since I've been alive and able to understand the concept of sports (and stop using diapers, which, surprisingly, only recently occurred) the only team that I've ever expected to win a championship has been the Bulls. Sure in 2003 I hoped the Cubs would make the World Series in 2003, and once the Illini started kicking ass 2004-2005 they were the best team in the nation and I knew they'd make the championship game. But, hands down, beginning to end of the season World Champion expectations only come from the Bulls. Hell, the Bears have barely been able to scrap their way to a playoff win that I can remember.

But yesterday was such an awesome game on so many levels.

First, special teams was much improved. To get a turnover (Adrian Peterson is terribly underutilized on offense, but he has almost as much impact on special teams) was absolutely huge. Not only that, the coverage (on kickoffs especially) was much improved, Hester failed to fumble any kicks, and even Brad Maynard had a pretty awesome day. He did have some terrible kicks, but, as opposed to last week where he really only had 2 good kicks, he had AT LEAST 3 absolutely stellar kicks. And Robbie Gould was automatic all day.

Second, blitz protection was much better. Rex on the whole had more time to throw than he did against the Seahawks, and I think that is both a credit to the offensive line and to Cedric Benson's improvement and increase playing time.

I think playcalling was weak in the first half, especially in the first quarter. It was pretty weak all the way up until Rex overthrew Desmond Clark in the endzone. That play was perfect, and Rex just missed it. From that point on though, aside from the final two plays on that drive, the playcalling was much improved. There was, of course, the mix up at the end of the first half, and game management continues to be a weak point for either Rex, Lovie, or both, not to mention lining up with three seconds left in the first quarter, but those ultimately didn't screw us over. I guess, let me make an addendum to the playcalling. We absolutely blew in the third quarter. We get the safety, then go three and out. Our defense was the game saver in the third quarter, because offensively we played like we weren't interested in scoring any more. So, I guess if you take into account the second and fourth quarters, and parts of the first, playcalling was much improved. Or, maybe it wasn't really that improved.

But the use of both Jones and Cedric Benson was amazing. Jones was obviously ineffective on the first drive. Benson, however, was not. It seems as if the coaching staff finally realized that mixing the two up made them that much more dangerous. I think it's rare to see a player with the power of Benson who also has breakaway speed combined with a player who has the elusiveness of TJ. I still don't like him, but shit he ran well yesterday. I love mixing the two backs up.

The defensive line was just a beast yesterday. Mark Anderson continues to make Jerry Angelo look like a fucking genius, and he is just all over the place. Getting to Brees so early in the game I think was a huge factor. It was a huge momentum swing. But it wasn't just that. The line stepped up time and time again, getting TWO intentional grounding calls and overall just giving Brees more pressure than he'd seen in a while.

I think it speaks volumes about this team's versatility in that either the offense or the defense can provide a lift when the other needs it. Towards the end of the season the defense started to struggle, yet the Bears managed to win. Yesterday, the third quarter was basically non-existent for the Bears offense, and yet after that safety everything turned completely around. Well, a couple of drives after that for the offense. But with the defensive momentum came the offensive.

I for one am totally cool with being underdogs to the Colts. We were underdogs to the Saints; look how that turned out. Here's what we know about the Colts: their run defense has been pretty weak, although very solid in the playoffs. Can that continue? Also, we know that their ends are strong, but their tackles can be pretty weak. We also know that they have amazing receivers, which could play to our weakness. But, at least in my opinion, the Colts are really soft, as were the Saints receivers. If they come out and get lit up once or twice, that could impact the game in a huge way.

I'm not going to speculate much on the Super Bowl because there's tons of time for that. I was just so impressed with the way the Bears came out and took the lead early yesterday, and then, while initially letting the Saints back in, the closed the door big time. It probably helped that we could run all over them, but I'm not so sure we can't do the same thing to the Colts.

Holy shit, the Bears are in the Super Bowl.

Should I be alarmed that I have no semblance of a life?

2007-01-19T14:39:00.000-06:00

On Saturday while in Chicago I decided to check my e-mail. I actually received some awesome news. I guess, I'll backtrack a little bit. I'm an avid reader of TVgasm.com, and I've always thought that it would be something awesome to do if given the chance. Well, they've had some people move on and they're recapping a lot more shows now, so they have been looking for new writers. I recapped an episode of Top Chef 2, but apparently I sounded pretty angry. And for good reason, that Marisa was a bitch.

But anyways, I wrote a submission for I love New York, since I didn't know if they would have anyone recapping it, and, hell, I've got some free time. So I submitted it, and unfortunately they already had a writer for it. One of the moderators must have liked it enough though, because they asked if i watched Surreal Life Fame Games. I said I'd caught part of the first episode, but I wasn't watching it very closely. However, if they wanted me to recap it, I said I'd give it a shot. And they posted it on the site. So now I'm a part-time guest-blogger for something that actually receives a lot of hits. But it's for a show that not many people watch. Not bad beginning though.

So, I'm not really sure how to tie this together. But, uh, let's go to the board!

What's new this week:

Money. I want it, I need it, I never have enough of it. You're on notice because I now worship you more than I worship the image of myself in the mirror. Or perhaps pictures of myself on other people's camera. But that's what you get for giving me your camera. What was I saying? Oh yeah, money! Stop ruling my life! Oh, who am I kidding, I could never be mad at you. But you're on notice!

People. I despise people. Everyone really. From your douchey toolbag to your vapid girl to pretty much everyone else you can think of. Drivers, people in grocery stores, all of them. This explanation doesn't do anywhere near enough justice for the loathing of people that I feel. Just know that it's a lot, and hope that it isn't you. But it most likely is*. So people, you're on notice!

Bill O'Reilly. This dude is fucking brilliant. And I say that in an truly objective way. He's obviously not very smart, as he's a conservative Republican. But he has his own show on Fox News. And HE IS NEVER WRONG. If you didn't know, and how could you not, O'Reilly appeared on Colbert's show and vice versa. And last night was the first time I'd ever seen O'Reilly's show. I couldn't believe it. He seriously is never wrong. He presents his opinion in such an unobjective way. It's his way or nothing. But then he has the ability, if someone calls him out on it, to complete alter his meanings. You can never catch him off-guard because he is fully prepared to reneg on what he meant to say. It was literally sheer brilliance watching his show. I mean, he's a pompous dick who is a know-it-all conservative, but I'll be damned if it wasn't something unbelievable to watch. That being said, he continued to take a couple of shots at Jon Stewart, and he pointed out, twice I believe, that he gets better ratings than both Daily Show and Colbert Report. What he didn't point out, however, is that he's also on THREE HOURS EARLIER in primetime. He is a master of his never-wrong craft, and for that, he's on notice. But he's also on notice for being such an arrogant prick in general.

Who fell off:

David Beckham. Take your money and your amazing good looks that are constantly forcing me to fantasize about you and get out of my sight already. You're old news. And I love you. And if it's wrong for a straight man to love you then I don't want to be right.

Poodle Lady. That shit just isn't right, but it's been out of my sight all week. She's still on the monitor though.

Bruce Weber Haters. You're also still on the monitor, but losing that game that should have been won at MSU doesn't help my case at all. Until the team plays 2 full halves, I've really got nothing.

*isn't

I will be an awesome parent

2007-01-19T10:37:00.000-06:00

I saw this article on cnn.com yesterday and I really disagreed with it. I mean, how could you recommend parents to deal with some of those annoying things kids say like that? That's terrible advice. So I wanted to weigh in with my two cents on actual good parenting, not that razzmatazz parenting they recommend.

Here is how you should respond to the annoying phrases if you want to be a non-shitty parent:

"Mine!"

"Oh yeah you little punk? Well, you're mine, so I technically own you, so anything you own is technically owned by me. I don't want to get into semantics with you, because your brain is too small and simple to handle it, so you better trust me. Also, stop being so annoying." This response could be met by tears and/or confused looks, but trust me, it's all part of their plan. They love looking hurt and confused because then they get their way. Also, I recommend the use of violence to rip things out of their hands. To drive home the point, I think you should probably follow them around for 2 or 3 days, saying 'Mine!' and ripping everything they pick up out of their hands. Then they'll know who they're dealing with.

"It's not fair!"

"You know what else isn't fair? You were an accident. But nooo, because once your mother got pregnant she stayed pregnant. I've dated other girls like that, too. No I haven't. Why don't you remember that no matter how much I don't want you around, I can't throw you in the dumpster. And how is that fair to me??" Again, this might be met with tears. But in the end I think your kids will respect you more for it. Because honesty breeds respect. Also, it's better they learn early in life that things are never fair, so they don't go and develop things like 'high spirits' whatever those are. I would probably get rid of all your kids' toys if they ever say this too. But make sure to destroy them in a really horrific way. Because that's just funny.

The man I get my parenting advice from

"You're not the boss of me"

"You want to bet I'm not the boss of you? I own you. You're mine. I could sell you on the black market. I could harvest your organs. I am the boss of you. But who said anything about a boss anyways? Why don't I just let you be your own boss and fend for yourself. You can buy your own groceries, pay rent, bathe yourself. What are people going to say when they see a two-year-old walking down the aisles at the grocery store? That person should have listened to their boss." Tough love is the best way to respond to this. But, we all know that you hate your boss and secretly scheme ways to kill him/her. Maybe that's where this whole boss comment came from. I would watch out for any sort of signs that your child may be plotting to kill you. And remember to think outside of the box, because with their seemingly undeveloped mind, they could probably come up with a number of original ways to kill you that you wouldn't even think. Like bashing your face in with a building block. Wouldn't have expected that would you? You're welcome.

"I want it now!"

"You know what I want now you little bastard? I want you to shut the hell up. All you do all day is talk, talk, talk, complain, complain, complain, shit your pants, throw up, make a mess, stink. I want all of those things to end, but will they? Probably not, unless you mature about 5 years in the next 2 seconds. So why don't you just chill out. The more you scream about wanting it, the more I want it. Until, of course, you stop wanting it, and then I will just throw it away. I think I have a psychological problem with wanting things until I have them, then losing interest." I guarantee the only response you'll get from this is confusion. But that's perfect. Because by confusing them, they won't even know what the hell they were whining about wanting in the first place. Maybe just jingle your keys to bring them out of that confused stupor. Seriously though, you may want to think about seeing a therapist about dealing with that problem.

"You never let me do anything."

"Oh you think so, do you smart ass? Well, guess what. You're really going to see what it's like to not do anything. You will remain trapped in this house for as long as I want. You can't even go to school any more. And you get no toys. But you know what? I'm gonna do whatever I want all the time. No more staying home to take care of you. No more waking up in the middle of the night when you call my name, terrified of the boogeyman. I'm gonna let him get you! He and I had this understanding before that if you said my name, it was sort of a sanctuary and he wouldn't get you, but fuck that, I'm telling him and you're all his. What was I saying? Oh yeah! You were an accident!" In a situation like this, I think it's probably best to withhold food from the kids for a while. Just to show them you mean business. And when I say a while, I mean as long as it takes until they apologize for what they've done. A couple days after the apology.

"I don't like you."

"Big fucking deal. I don't like you either. In fact, I would rather spend as much time AWAY from you as possible. But the courts don't seem to think that that's responsible parenting. Well, the joke is on them, because the longer I spend with you, the more I don't like you. But what can you do about it. You're stuck with me. I, however, have the means to kill you. I could do it. I could kill you in your sleep and you'd have no idea. All I have to do is decide to do it. Sleep tight tonight junior. Also, don't be so annoying." Really this is the easiest one to deal with, because, really, who's going to care what a kid says. I know I wouldn't. They like eating boogers and stuff. And they're fickle.

Parenting is easy.

What is wrong with TV today (a statement, not a question)

2007-01-17T14:39:00.000-06:00

Behold at your own risk.

I did a search on Youtube for 'funniest Ugly Betty clip' and it obviously returned no hits. This video is the best of the first five episodes of the season. I tried to watch this shite but I could barely get 1/3 of the way through it before violently vomiting all over my computer screen and stabbing out my eyes. But apparently this is what the 'writers' feel is the best show on television today. Which somehow beats out The Office? That is absolutely ridiculous. But, regardless of whether or not it's better than The Office, which it obviously is not, tell me how it's funnier than this:

That's right, you can't tell me how it's funnier. You know why? BECAUSE IT'S NOT. Come on!

There's no way that shitty show Ugly Betty is funnier than most of the shit on TV. But, regardless, it won a Golden Globe (the Hollywood Foreign Press is made up of meth addicts and crack babies) as the best comedy something or other. And, somehow, it's one of the top rated shows on television. (I'll point out that not only do I not watch the show, the only reason I don't protest against it is because Salma Hayek is occasionally on it. That and the crippling laziness.)

I seem to remember the actual funniest show on TV also winning an assload of awards. For some reason though, it was marketed about as well as my ass. Actually slightly worse, as my ass hasn't won nearly as many awards but has not been cancelled yet. Let my good friend David Cross help me explain my point:

And THIS is what is wrong with TV today. Somehow Ugly Betty, while winning the Golden Globe, regardless of whether or not I agree with it, which I don't, is promoted incredibly well on ABC's estrogen programming network. Which basically includes everything except Lost.

But an amazing show like Arrested Development, which won every kind of award and was praised by absolutely every single person in American with an IQ of over 50, got promoted like shit. And what was FOX wasting their time promoting instead of AD? A complete pile of shit. And that's just one season. I could go into more detail about the massive fuck-ups that have been cancelled during the run of Arrested Development and since Arrested Development, but I won't. Because I'm lazy.

FOX completely fucked over everyone who appreciates intelligent, edgy, groundbreaking comedy in favor of the shitfest 'Til Death and other similar shows. By failing to promote or market the best show on TV (for all three seasons) and then cutting two of the seasons short, they basically admitted that they didn't know what to do with a show that was actually good.

But luckily for all of us they've been able to keep pieces of shit like The War at Home on the air. So out of protest I refuse to watch anything on Fox unless I have some reason to think I will like the show. And, 9 times out of 10 that never happens. So, good work original Fox programming. I hope everything you've had that's successful goes to a channel that isn't completely inept at marketing. (And just to point out how bad Fox is at it, even CBS keeps their show on the air!) I also hope aliens come down and eat all of your children.

The serious turning point of the season

2007-01-17T10:30:00.000-06:00

So I came out in huge defense of Bruce Weber, and some people agreed, some didn't, no big deal. I welcome all opinions. Yours just sucks. But, regardless, the team came out and let me down hugely, making me look kind of like a jackass. Which is nothing I'm not used to.

I didn't watch the game on Sunday. There were more important things at hand, such as the Bears game. I would pick a Cubs playoff game over the Bears regular season (luckily I don't ever have to make that decision) and I would pick a Bears playoff game over the Illini, and obviously, March Madness trumps everything.

But anyways, I can't accurately say how disgusted or enamored with some portions of the game. And I'm totally cool with that, because from the sounds of it, I should have been disgusted with all of it and enamored with less than none of it, even though that's not technically possible.

I mean, seriously, how is Rich McBride our leading scorer? Don't get me wrong, I think it's a pleasant surprise, since I pretty much hate everything about Rich McBride after I was such a huge fan of him during his freshman year. And then Brian Randle just disappears after beating ass in the Iowa game? So disappointing.

This team has been up and down all season. Initially we couldn't come out to a fast start and we would fall behind every competitor consistently. I think right around the Arizona game was where we turned that around. But, then we couldn't finish the game. Missing our two best players (arguably at that time at least), we thought we'd be in for great things when everyone got healthy.

But we still can't finish games. Up against Arizona, Xavier, Michigan, Michigan State, we just can't play in the second half. Hopefully this team will learn to play as well in the second half as it does in the first half, but so far this team has been a team that will only play one half well.

So tonight is a turning point for the season. If we lose tonight, at Minnesota, we can probably write off the NIT in addition to writing off the NCAA tournament. If we win tonight, we're home against Wisconsin and Indiana. Wisconsin is not an unstoppable team, and if Randle is able to lock up Alando Tucker (which is obviously no easy task) then we have a chance in that game. I don't expect us to win, but I hope it would be a closer game than against OSU.

Following that game is the home game vs. Indiana. The only other games we can lose this Big Ten season are to Wisconsin and atIndiana. If we lose anything else, I would write our chances of making the NCAA Tournament off.

It's not just the fact that we have to win those games though. The way this team is playing, they're making virtually every game look way more difficult than it should be. And they're also showing they can't win on the road.

So that's why tonight is a turning point. Come out strong, beat the shit out of Minnesota and prove that we can win big on the road. If we lose tonight, or if it's a close game, people will just be talking about how we barely squeaked by a shitty opponent and how we could lose to Penn State or Purdue or at Iowa.

And I probably won't have much of a rebuttal. I mean I will, because I'm a know-it-all jackass, but it will be even more far-fetched than usual.

More profanity on TV this week involving a Saints game?

2007-01-16T15:12:00.000-06:00

Hopefully most everyone has seen the picture of the lady in the shirt that said "Fuck da Eagles" on national television. That is, if no one saw it live. Which leads me to question whether or not Bears fans will try to sneak profanity onto the screen this week when the Bears play the Saints. Of course, it's not like that lady was trying to sneak anything onto the screen, aside from maybe her abdomen. We were watching the game, I was drunk, and it was like, uh did I just see that?

So anyways, I thought I would string together some of my thoughts on the Bears game. And, obviously, I'm way behind schedule since I didn't work yesterday and I'm too lazy to actually post things while at home. Well, in many cases at least. It gives me something to do at work.

Anyways, first things first, the correct Rex Grossman showed up on Sunday. And when I say correct, I mean for Bears fans. Fuck the Seahawks fans. That bomb he threw to Bernard Berrian was just immaculate. I almost cried tears of beautiful, beautiful joy when I saw that. Ok, who am I kidding, of course I cried.

And, again, Cedric Benson was underused. I'm not going to say that Thomas Jones did poorly, except there are absolutely a couple instances when he did. But Benson is just the better runner. And you see it time and time again, when each one gets in the open field. Thomas Jones is completely unable to make anyone miss. He also runs out of bounds. Meanwhile, Cedric Benson runs through guys. There were a couple different times that it took at least 3 guys to get him down. You will never see that from TJ.

The drops were big for the receivers. Specifically Muhammed's drop was the worst, because it took us out of range for everything. Then, coming back from that pick, we go absolutely nowhere. Which brings me to my next point:

Where the fuck did the playcalling go? It was absolute shit for most of the second half. It seemed like the entire game we were simply content to have any lead over the Seahawks. There was no urgency in playcalling to go up by any more points. I just can't understand how we seemed to score so easily on one drive, then have maybe 2 go for like 20 yards each until 3 consecutive shit-called plays. And how were we ok with going into OT without even taking a shot? The Seahawks had a terrible secondary and we did shit to expose it. It was amazing that in the OT we FINALLY chose to run a seam-route. And what about not letting Gould kick a 49 yard field go? If you're going to pooch it, you might as well just take the delay of game, put your punter in, and knock them inside the 10. The conservative playcalling is just so confusing when it shows up. You can play to not lose or you can play to win. Run up the score. Who cares.

And what about Maynard? His game was shitty. The best punt he had all day was a touchback. I'll take that back, I think his first punt was good too. The rest, though, were shit. Hester sucked (for the most part) too. He had the return called back, but other than that, there were the 3 or so kicks he muffed. That will need to change.

In addition, we also need to remember that Tillman should have been able to take the interception back for a TD. If he gets that pick, the game changes completely. Anyways, as it is, we won, and now we've got the Saints.

So what do we need to work on.

Special teams obviously. Gould was fine, but no one else was.

Pass coverage. There were too many times that the Seahawks just looked to move the ball effortlessly against our secondary. Luckily for us, if we could hold them to 3rd and short they couldn't do shit. The Saints are gonna come with 5-wide, multiple looks, it's going to be tough. We need to look at exactly what the Redskins did to beat them and copy it exactly.

Blitz pickups. Grossman needs to learn to hold onto the ball until he's ready to throw it. It flops out of his hands too often. But so many times the Seahawks brought Tatupu off the end right into Grossman's face and he had no time to get rid of the ball. Sidenote: How about that Benson block. If a linebacker goes high, you make him pay for it. It sucked to see him come down wrong, but still, that's what you get when you go high on Benson.

Running game. Seriously, this doesn't need much work. I suggest we make Benson #1, Peterson #2 (he's more explosive and probably just as slippery as TJ) and trade Jones. Ok, so that's not feasible right now, and probably won't ever happen, we at least need to make Benson #1.

Blitzing. Why do the Bears never blitz any more? I admit, when we had Tommie Harris and Tank on the line, we didn't really need to, but a lot of the time we don't get the pressure on the QB that we used to. And if blitzing can cause a QB to struggle (see: Grossman, Rex) why not do it? I loved seeing Urlacher come through and smoke Hasselbeck. Let's see it more often.

The Saints definitely scare me, because their offense is so potent. I just hope the style of play maintains at such a high level, and I'll definitely be more ok with a loss than if we get blown out. But to say that I'll be ok with a loss is probably a fat lie.

I occasionally with* I wasn't such an idiot

2007-01-16T11:45:00.000-06:00

This weekend started out inauspiciously enough, beginning with the cancellation of the Who's Bad show that was supposed to be Friday night, and I was basically fully prepared to be disappointed around every corner. Didn't quite happen though, which was quite a relief. But anyways, let's kick it off (hooray for the football reference).

First, on Friday afternoon, I actually found out that Monday was not a paid holiday. Fuck that. How dare the man tread on my black heritage? And how dare he say I have none? Just because I don't? Anyways, I was told that if I was planning on taking the three day weekend I might as well do it. Well, I left this up in the air and headed to take the train. The train was scheduled to leave at 5:54, and I got to the station at about 5:40, actually a little before. I walk inside and see the station is PACKED (note, this is a tiny train station), there is a long line and there's only one dude working the counter. 20 minutes later I get to the front of the line, get my ticket, rush outside to put a parking pass in my car, and the train still isn't there. It was 20 minutes late, so I still had about 10 minutes to wait after all that. Manage to find a seat on the train and I purchased 4 beers during the trip. Well, also during the trip, the signals went out on the track we were on. So, luckily, we got to enjoy the darkness of the midwest as the train went 20 mph stopping every 2-3 miles (which is standard when signals go out) for the better part of 45 minutes. About 10 miles outside of Joliet the signals came back on. So right now I'm about 50 minutes behind schedule I'm thinking. Well, about 20 minutes later they announce we're about 25 minutes from Chicago. All in all I only ended up about 45 minutes late, as opposed to, say, an hour and 20 minute (or more) which was what I feared. So anyways, get to Chicago, go have some beer (didn't have dinner) and then we go out. I don't remember too much of note about the night, aside from finally getting revenge on Bootz for pinning me into a corner for 10 minutes. I actually did it to her only for about a minute or two. But trust me, it was all hilarious. After we left the bar we went to Pizzaria and I ate more pizza than I knew was possible. Ok, that's not true, but I had a lot and it was f'ing awesome.

I woke up at like 8:30 Saturday and couldn't get back to sleep. I found out Meg was coming at like 2, so I was about ready to get lunch. Then she called and said she was there at 1:40. No problem, we went to lunch and then decided to go watch football at a bar somewhere. More expensive, but great nonetheless. We decided on Barleycorn. So we went there and were actually there before the bartender showed up (by like 5 minutes). So we're drinking at the bar and decide to move to one of the sweet booths they have. These booths are made for like 8 people, and it was just the two of us. It was awesome. Anyways, we watched the game, which sucked, and bet on it (a shot), and we spent at least two separate spans of 15 minutes not caring about the game and instead talking about Arrested Development. I had like 5 16 oz. beers at the bar, and after the game was over we left to go to Pizzaria to pick up dinner. I was drunk, so I was ready for it. We talked to the dude who sold us the pizza and he said he'd be there later and he'd hook us up if we came back that night. So of course we would be headed back. We went back, ate, then headed to watch Arrested Development instead of football. That's how disappointed we were in the early game. And we obviously missed a good game. But, that aside, we headed out to Grand Central (there were only three of us) around 10:30 (so that's nearly 8 hours of drinking already). After just standing around for a while we started dancing, and I went to the bathroom. I came back directly where we were before and no one was there. So I stand around for like 10-15 minutes, by myself, thinking maybe they went to the bathroom or something. Finally I get a call and it's Meg saying they're at the front of the bar, but they went up there so they could hear me when they called me. Well, either they were too drunk to realized they moved (perhaps) or I was not in fact where we were (doubtful). Regardless, we headed back to dance until we saw this super tall lesbian. She appeared to be a lesbian anyways. Well, we dared Meg to get a picture of her or something, and she did. But she actual told this tall chick that she was on a scavenger hunt and needed a picture with a woman over 6 feet tall. This chick was taller than me by probably at least two inches. I was terrified. Well, eventually we left and went back to Pizzaria, ONLY TO NOT GET THE HOOKUP. That bastard lied to us. We stumbled our way home, ate pizza and passed out, but I have no idea when.

We woke up at like 10 or so on Sunday I think. The entire group (minus Chips) got together to watch the Bears game, and Meg left. I was chastised by Bootz for not drinking beer at 12:15 on a Sunday. I think I started at like 1. I had 5 beers throughout the game, which was awesome. Aside from feeling like I was in a sauna for about 30 minutes, the whole experience was awesome. Anyways, we left at like 4:20. My train back left at 5:15, so I needed to get to the train station. Well, Poops gave me a ride, and she thought she was going the quickest way to the station since she was headed south on Ashland, but she forgot about the stop lights. Then she thought she forgot where the entrance to 90/94 was. At this point I was getting pretty nervous. Finally we find 90/94 at about 4:59. We only had to go about 3 or 4 miles to the exit for Jackson, but unfortunately she didn't see the sign for it. She took the exit after, which probably worked out just as well, and I got to the station at like 5:06. I got on the train at like 5:08. When the dude came by to collect my ticket, he asked what I was doing there. I was like, oh, haha, good one. He's like, 'you're going to Bloomington, I wouldn't have told anybody to get on this train going to Bloomington, everyone here's going to St. Louis. You'll have to get off all the way at the front of the train.' I was like, did I just get lectured by this dude? It was all a moot point because in Bloomington they let off in 2 cars. Besides, the train was packed, so maybe I wandered all the way back there looking for a seat. Anyways, I get off the train, start driving home, FUCK. I left the book I was reading (that wasn't even mine) on the train. So the weekend ended about as well as it began, but there was good stuff in between.

Oh, and in case it wasn't clear, I didn't come into work yesterday.

*I didn't intend for this typo, but it works, and proves how much of an idiot I am.

Addendum to Bruce Weber post

2007-01-12T15:39:00.000-06:00

One note from the Bruce Weber post that I made the other day.

I brought up Bill Self's name to prove that Weber is an upgrade over the former coach. I didn't necessarily mean to slam Bill Self's name, it just sort of turned out that way.

However, finding out that the link was posted on a KU forum (apparently they're now literate there), they seem to take offense to some of the claims I made. It didn't really appear that it had anything to do with what I said; I guess the problem was more the fact that I was saying it, since I didn't really say anything offensive or outlandish (although feel free to point out if I'm wrong).

But let's just call a spade a spade. Bill Self is ENTIRELY OVERRATED. Bucknell, Bradley. That is all.

It's the weekends Bitches; you know what that means

2007-01-12T15:09:00.000-06:00

Today I got a free lunch thanks to a salesman. We went out to Buffalo Wild Wings and I ate so much Hot BBQ sauce. I don't even really like BBQ sauce. I just love hot. It was totally worth it too. I used to go out for lunch every Friday at my old job, and this is only the second free lunch I've had in over a year at this job. I made sure to get all I could out of it. By the end of the meal I couldn't even feel my tongue and I loved every second of it.

Free lunch is the shit.

That being said, it's time to see who's on notice this week:

Changes to the list this week:

David Beckham. Screw you. If I could make $50 million in one year, there is no way I'd want to turn it down. And come on, Europe? I mean, yeah, it's awesome to have a house over there and whatnot, but everybody knows America's where it's at. So first, you're on notice for not being here sooner. And then you're on notice for making so much money. I wish I got paid that much to LEAVE the U.S. Of course I'd do it. And then they'd obviously pay to bring me back as well. In addition, fuck you for being so damn attractive. Does that make me gay? If being in love with a man and wanting him to hold me while I look into his gorgeous eyes, then go a head Mr./Ms. Judgmental and call me gay. Posh Spice is f'ing hot too. Why does he rub his perfect life (minus the World Cup failures) in my face. Yeah, HA! I've never failed in the World Cup. Now whose life is better? (Still his) You're on notice Beckham!

Winter. I was totally planning on going to Chicago this weekend, for the three day weekend. First I found out that the weather might be bad, so I decided to take the train. Now I'm worried that the weather may be so bad that the train schedules could be fucked up (or dare I say cancelled again). So fuck you winter. You should be above 32 at all times, and if you aren't, you definitely shouldn't be spitting shit from the sky. You're on notice.

Bruce Weber Haters. Uh, thanks to Deadspin, I more than doubled the amount of visitors to this site in the previous, oh, 4 months or so, in ONE DAY. So I feel like this week's list should include some sort of reference to that post. And that's fucking awesome. But, aside from that, I really am sick of all the naysayers that are naysaying Bruce Weber. Obviously. So you're all on notice.

Poodle Lady. While I don't really have any reason to put her on here because she's not necessarily doing any sort of harm to anything I believe in, I feel like she absolutely deserves to be on notice. I mean, come on. No normal person does that. And I will be diligent in my suspicion of her, so Crazy Psycho Lady Who Loves Poodle Exercise, you're on notice!

Finally, one note. Fuck you Penny Dreadful. You will be on this list possibly for eternity because you sucked so incredibly badly. Deal with it.